need advice about what to do...

[petrie86]

ok i need some advice... last night my bf said he needed to talk to me. while i was away on vacation last week he was working at his dad's office. His father and him own a construction business. his father owns a 2 small builidings with apartments above his office. so last week a new girl around 27 years old from brazil moved in to one of the apartments. she moved in very very quickly and it seemed odd to my bf's father and my bf. Well she needed help hooking up the flat screen tv's and while doing so jamen (my bf) was just small talking with her bc she looked distressed. she asked if he had a gf and said yes and told her about me, then she seemed uneasy and asked if the town was safe. jamen said yea he grew up there and asked why? she couldnt get the words out, she told him something happened to her 2 weeks ago and she needs to be safe. she had tears in her eyes and finally came out with it, she moved to the area bc she lived in newark,nj and was raped 2 weeks ago. her family and friends are all in brazil, she has no friends in the area bc she recently moved from boston. she has no one! they caught the guy who raped her, someone walked in while it was going on. Thank god, but she's a total mess.... she has no one to talk to. Its every girls worst nightmare...
At first i got mad bc jamen didnt get to what happened fast enough i thought we was going to tell me he cheated on me, then i got mad bc i thought she was hitting on him. i trust him, but its just odd that out of all people she told my bf. she made him swear not to tell anyone. she hasnt even told her family yet. I'm sure all she wants right now if a friend. and jamen is a great friend, im just scared that if he starts talking to her and comforting her she will fall for him bc he really is a great guy. idk my mind is running wild with questions.... im sure the last thing she wants is a guy hitting on her and maybe thats why she asked if he had a gf. anywho that was last week. jamen said he didnt give her his number. well this morning i got to work and jamen text me saying this girl text messaged him bc her court date was today and she didnt have anyone to talk to and was freeking out. i got all mad and asked how she got his number bc i thought he lied to me. apparently while jamen was away on vacation this weekend she asked jamen's father for his cell number and he gave it to her. should i be mad about that??? i guess not, she needs a friend right? we agreed that he would be a friend to her and let me know what happens waht they talk about and not lie to me or keep me in the dark. if she seems to come on to him he'd stop talking to her. but he's concerned she might be suicidal and is scared for her life. she mentioned seeing a therapist but hasnt done that yet. i know there are 800 numbers for help and support. i mentioned that to jamen so next time he talks to her he can tell her about them.
i just needed to vent, i really feel bad for her. she works in nyc... i bet she's having a hard time working and sees that guys face everytime she closes her eyes. she's a mess. any advice on what to do would be helpful. i offered jay to tell her we could all hang out, he said we will see how it goes.
thanks for listening....

Rachel

[ICNDonna]

I think I would go with my boy friend and offer my support and friendship to her.

Donna

[lisabar36]

I agree with Donna. I would do the same. I also would have your boyfriend ask her if maybe she would want to talk to you. Maybe once she meets you she will feel more comfortable talking to you. I hope that all works out ok.

[snowgirl]

Both Donna and Lisa have excellent and the right thing to do here for this girl.
Vicky

[dg2901]

If her story is true, then she most definitely needs a friend. It just so happened she felt comfortable enough to confide in your boyfriend. I highly doubt she's after anything other than guidance and support.

[petrie86]

thanks ladies, your right.... im sure if this all is true the last thing on her mind is looking for a bf. jamen's been talking to her through text messages today, she went to court and they brought the wrong guy to the court. they rescheduled for another day. im trying to put myself in her shoes. jamen and i talked things out and he's concerned about my feelings and not wanting to hurt me. he told me that he only wants to be with me that he loves me and always will. jay feels obligated to talk to her and try to help her. he said he would feel guilty if she hurt herself and he did nothing to help her. i agree and offered to help in any way possible. were going to take things day by day. thanks for the advice!

Rach

[snowgirl]

If her story is true, then she most definitely needs a friend. It just so happened she felt comfortable enough to confide in your boyfriend. I highly doubt she's after anything other than guidance and support.

I totally agree. Can you imagine the stress she was under for this court date probably did not sleep at all. Goes to court and the wrong guy is there. So, she has to go through allof that stress again. I feel sorry for her. She needs to get in contact with sometype of shelter for rape victims that can help her through this with counseling and support of other staff and clients. Vicky

[ICNDonna]

It wouldn't hurt if you went with him. If she's really on the level she'll appreciate that the two of you don't keep secrets from each other --- and she'll be glad to have the support.

Donna

[Berkshire Road]

Rachel, I really have to agree with Donna on this. Why wouldn't Jamen want you to be with him, and why wouldn't this girl want more support?

[amaranthe]

I agree with Donna and Carolyn.....DEFINATELY go with him when he talks to her, and have him make it clear to her that he doesnt keep ANYTHING from you. Maybe I am a cynic, but I dont get a good feeling about this girl. I mean it is just more than a bit odd to me that she asked him if he had a GF, and she just so happens to have NO friends and NO family she can talk to about this, and the ONLY person she feels comfortable talking about it with is good-looking guy who is her own age, that she JUST met! THEN, she tells him to tell no one about it, (after finding out he has a GF). I dont know...but the WHOLE thing, (asking him to hook-up the sattelite, etc.) just smells fishy to me.

If I were you, I would make DARN sure that I was with Jamen EVERY TIME he has to go there for ANYTHING, and if possible, send his Dad to do repairs instead of Jamen going. This chick is just coming on too strong too fast IMHO.

Obviously, your alarm bells went off just like mine did, and from past experiance, when mine go off, there is ALWAYS a reason for it. So, listen to your intuition, and keep both eyes on this girl!

[petrie86]

Jamen and i talked some more last night bc my gut feeling is that she's not telling the truth. although i wouldnt understnand why someone would make up something so horrible. ya know? My mind always thinks the worst of people when i meet them or in any situation. jamen think im just thinking way into this. That he has no intentions of every dating her or flirty or anything. He reassured me, plus he's like if i was really going to cheat on you(which he wouldnt) would i be telling you all about this? good point. im just trying to protect myself. he said he wouldnt mention if she wanted to talk to a girl that i would love to. He's not sure that he will meet with her or hang out but that he's just offering support. So I do trust him, its her i dont trust.
funny thing we were watching the news last night, the preview for the news was some teenage girl made up a story that she got sexually abused. We watched the news bc i wanted to see why a girl would make up a story about being molested or raped. she made up a story taht she was on her way to school and lied saying she took a short cut through the woods and got beat up from behind and sexually assalted, she did it all bc she wanted to get out of an exam in school. Can you believe that?>!!! so i know these days im sure anything's possible, girls are desperate so who knows if she's telling the truth. I want to believe this girl my bf's talking to, i do bc it's a horrible thing to go though especially if you have NO ONE. I'm, starting to believe she felt comfortable enough to talk to jamen bc he has a gf and is in a stable relationship and knew he wouldnt try to hit on her. the last thin that would be on my mind after being raped was finding a bf. I dont think that's the case here. im trying to stay calm and let god handle this all. Thing happen for a reason, there's gotta be a reason she told him. and i'll find out. If jamen does plan and meeting this girl to hang out and give support i'll be sure i go! and the advice about making jamen tell this girl that he doesnt keep secrets from me and he told me is a great idea. i'll be sure to alk to himabout it today. Tahnks again ladies.... i'll keep you all posted on this situation.
hugs
rach

[ICNDonna]

The alarm lights are flashing here! Your bf shouldn't be alone with her. It sounds like she might be setting him up. There have been guys who have been jailed because of girls telling lies. It just makes sense that he shouldn't be alone with her given what she has told him.

Donna

[petrie86]

donna... do you know of any 800 numbers for rape victoms?? so we could suggest that to her?

[lisabar36]

I totally agree with Donna. I can see your concern, I would be concerned to! I would have her talk with a professional verses your boyfriend. And texting? It could be legit but you hear all to much about the crazy things that happen. I would be very scared. Honestly, if this were my boyfriend, I would have him ask if I could talk to her, and I would have him get her a number she could call for help and then I would ask him to stop all contact and then you know he tried to help her, so how could he feel guilty if something were to happen? Its just to much of a scary world out there. As long as you know you tried, thats what counts. You can look online for a rape hotline. I absolutely would not allow my boyfriend to continue to talk to her, reason is not jealousy, but fear, for his and your safety, there are to many red flags. It could be legit as I said and you want to help, you just have to use caution here. If she was raped, she needs professional help, no just texting and talking to your boyfriend. That is not good. Just my opinion on what I would do. I really hope the 2 of you can figure this out and I really hope it is legit. Just be careful. :confused: Lisa

[ICNDonna]

There's a list of support centers by state at http://www.brokenspirits.com/directory/index.cfm?country=us that should help you to refer her for help.

Donna

[mary124]

I was going to agree here with everyone. This smells very fishy to me.
Keep an eye open on her and don't let your bf be alone with her either. I know here in Austin we have a Rape Crisis Center - do you have something like that out by where you live? I would also try the website that Donna put up.

[meme]

From personal experience......a girl that has a "major" problem and will only talk to your bf about it is trouble. I'd call her myself and tell her that if she wants to talk you're available but Jamen is not. After all, shouldn't you be able to help a girl with her problems better than a man could????? It really bothers me that she got his # from his dad too. That's just plain weird, maybe I'm just on the offensive considering my situation, but are you sure that's where she got the number?

[SharonA]

After reading your 1st post, my alarm bells were going off. This really sounds suspicious to me. I know that there are people who like being the center of attention and will make up stories, situations to get that attention.

If this story is true, then she really needs to have professional help. I hope Jamen will suggest this and stop all communication with her in a private situation...text message, phone calls or in-person contact. This is not a good idea...for you, for him or for her. There needs to be witnesses of all communications.