So Upset

[Butterfly2946]

I feel like my whole world is falling apart. My husband and I are basically splitting up and getting a divorce. I have been through so much in the last few months with finding out I have endometriosis,IC, and IBS....and now this. Some people have no clue about how we feel. He is mad cause I can't have sex as much as I used to and then accuses me of cheating on him. I have never cheated on him. He says that the doctors are just using me as a guinea pig. I don't understand at all how he could treat me so awful. He has no idea how much pain I have been in. He started staying gone all the time when I started getting sick. I am just so upset, I just don't know what to do. My nerves are so tore up that it is causing my IBS to be worse. I can't count how many times I have been to the bathroom in the last week. With all of my medical costs I am not prepared to have to pay for a lawyer for the divorce, let alone start over. He has not been supportive at all through this. I have done so much for him and his son.......I have been just treated so wrong. I just think he is being selfish and doesn't want to deal with a wife that is sick. Have any of you had terrible relationships because of your IC? It would be nice to have some support right now.....I really need it ......I am really upset.:(

[dyno]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Would your husband be willing to try some counseling? That may really help. IC as well as any chronic illness can cause stress in a relationship. Sometimes it just takes a person outside the relationship to help the couple realize the situation. Also has your Dr. talked to your husband about the situation, that could also help.

Now onto the sensitive subject of sex....open communication is vital with IC. Remember also that there are other ways of satisfaction beyond intercourse and sometimes that becomes necessary when you are in a lot of pain.

You know that we are always here for you to vent and we will do what we can to help. The key here is good communication. Hang in there.

I am also going to add a link here to some suggestions for sex & IC. This was a very good thread to maybe find some suggestions to help.
http://www.ic-network.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22522

[Agape]

I know what you mean about not having your husband's support. My husband basically ignores me and never wants to hear about my health issues. He buries himself in work and then the TV and shuts me out of his life. I feel very isolated with this condition since I have no friends that have it or truly understand what it is like to live with this daily. Sometimes I just want to become a hermit and go off somewhere by myself and sulk. I know that isn't good and certainly doesn't help with the symptoms. Thank goodness for this message board and the chance to vent and be understood. I wish you the best in finding answers to your marriage problem. Maybe a seperation to give him time to think will be a good thing and not necessarily lead to a divorce.

[leelee88]

I really hate that he is acting like this. It's just not right. I truly believe alot of people shut thier spouses out who have chronic illnesses because they feel helpless and do not know what to do or how to handle the situation. They want to help fix you, but they can't.
But that still does not give them and excuse to be mean in anyway!

Dyno has a point about counseling. Sometimes it takes someone outside the marriage to help with things. Maybe he would be open to this idea.
I wish there was something I could do or say, I know this just has to be heartbreaking. But please just know you are not alone and we are here for you no matter what happens. And we do care..(((((hugs)))))

[Babs RN]

While my marriage had issues, it essentially ended as a result of my endo, IC and chronic illnesses and my inability to have sex the way he wanted to or with the frequency he stated he required. Financially it has been difficult paying for the lawyer and starting over but here is a :smile tee: I have made it and am better for it. You can too. Take care and please PM me if you need to talk. I know how raw the emotions are.

Hugs,
Barb:hi:

[gtg728]

I am so sorry to hear this is happening to you. Please know that you are in my prayers. I wonder if your husband would consider counseling or at the very least speak with your doc. Love and prayers for you and your situation and know that we are here for you.

[DreamChaser]

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I find it difficult that people just don't get the pain we are in. If we had a cut, bruise or something to show the pain maybe the would be more understanding. I hope your husband can talk to your doctor. You deserve to be loved inspite of the IC. The stress only makes it worse. Keep us in touch with how you are doing.

Unfortunately I stopped having relationships because I didn't want to deal with the sex issues so I went the loner route. Not the best idea because I really do believe partners can be there for you. Hope the best for you.

[Berkshire Road]

A lot of men seem to have a need to "fix" things; see a problem, solve it, end of story. With IC, this role is not available to them and many partners find themselves completely lost. Taking this out on the sick partner is obviously not a mature solution, but it's convenient, and it does unfortunately happen far too often.

Here's the thing: Have you explained IC as well as you possibly can to your husband? Have you taken him to the doctor with you? Is it possible that you may ever have expected him to be 'understanding,' when you yourself barely understand what's going on?

Serious illness is brutal on long-term relationships, and some marriages/partnerships just don't survive. But if it's not too late, maybe you can find a middle ground where you can discuss your current situation. Giving him literature to read about all your illnesses (both ICN and ICA have terrific guides for partners available for purchase); taking him with you to doctor's appts. and letting him voice his concerns to the doctor rather than to you; and most of all, making an appointment for couples counseling for the two of you, are some ways to try to stop the downward slide.

If that all just seems like too much work, then ask yourself this: Why did you marry this person in the first place? Is the person you married still in there somewhere, and if so, is he worth keeping? If not, look to your own concerns. If your condition is as you describe it, then you should be eligible for disability, and as a disabled ex-spouse, you should also be eligible for alimony. If he has job-related health insurance, he may be required to keep you on the policy beyond the 18 month COBRA period. He may also have to pay the premiums.

I sympathize with you and my heart goes out to you in this situation. I hope the two of you can find your way back to each other, and if not, then I wish you a low-stress separation and a better future. You'll be in my thoughts.