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View Full Version : having problems letting go of hurt from spouse


lorihoss
02-22-2008, 06:34 PM
My husband recently admitted that he was addicted to internet pornography. We talked a long time about what he was covering up by staying on the internet when everyone else was asleep. He finally admitted that he has resented me and been angry at me for having this illness. He feels like it is something all the time with me.

I had post-partum depression after each of my three children extremely bad. I finally got that taken care of and then had to have a hysterectomy. I had a tumor removed from my uterus before I could have my last two children. So literally it has been something it seems like every two to three years or so.

I am a believer in the victory of Jesus and how he died to save me from my sins. My husband is a believer who is learning to rely on God to fill his needs instead of attempting to handle things his own self. He has had problems in the past 16 years of our marriage of getting overwhelmed and trying to handle things on his own.

I am now tired of trying to get him to open up to me, and let me in. He holds things inside and then seems to expect me to carry the relationship by emotionally chasing him down. We spent a whole weekend talking through these things and how he was rebelling against God by putting his faith in his own addiction to help him handle his problems. We talked about many things, but now I find myself really struggling with letting go and trusting him to be there for me when I feel bad.

I am now having huge problems believing that I can be weak in front of him. I now just don't believe he will be there for me if I get sick. I have lost faith in him. I feel like telling him to get out, that if I have to handle everything on my own, then I will do it by myself.

I know that God is with me. that is what is keeping me from loosing it. I know he is my rock, my refuge, my fortress, and my comforter. I know he knows my comings and my goings. I know that each step of my path is numbered and ordered from the beginning of time. that is what keeps me sane. That is what gives me hope that I will regain faith in my husband.

He has been a good man who has stumbled due to his new job of working 12 hour days and coming home to then put in about 3 hours a night on preparing lessons and grading papers. He works at a KIPP Academy which is a very intense school setting. I know that God is growing him, stretching him, and pulling him along a little bit at a time. Yet what I know and feel is just so different. So anyway, I just needed some way to vent and air my thoughts as I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this. So many people admire him, and I don't want to cause them to think less about him. Right now I just feel so hurt, and I am struggling to not get swamped with it all.

Poppa is dying of cancer, and I have to tell my children that news. I don't like being a grownup anymore!

ICNDonna
02-23-2008, 03:07 AM
Please see a professional counselor. This is not something you should have to handle without help.

Sending warm hugs,
Donna

Berkshire Road
02-23-2008, 01:42 PM
Please see a marriage counselor as soon as possible. It is much preferable for you to go together, but if he won't go, go by yourself. Please.

IC SARAH-CPP
02-23-2008, 02:41 PM
I agree that you should speak to a counselor or maybe your pastor, if that is available? I know that you probably have some issues with self esteem because of the pornography thing and it sounds like you have some resentment towards your husband. I personally believe from experience that the resentment needs to be addressed b/c it can become like an 800 pound gorilla in the room if you don't confront it.
Also, they have sex therapists and groups for men/women with sexual addictions. Maybe if your hubby is willing, he could attend something like that as well. I had a girlfriend whos fiance was a sex addict and he went to that support group for over 2 years and was making a lot of progress in recognizing how destructive his behavior was to their relationship, their finances, and to himself.
Please know you are not alone and you are obviously strong and love your husband very much. I hope that you two can work things out and start healing.
With love,
Sarah

tigger_gal
02-23-2008, 02:53 PM
I am going to go out on a limb here... the fact is I truly believe porn should be a paid for sight. and they should not advertise it on nearly every internet page. Everything in this world is sex sex sex.
I have a husband, who use to do the same thing, and screamed at me because I got mad.. my theory was he wasn't satisfied with my apparence enough so he had to go looking for it on the internet. It is a win lose situation. It could be worse, that he is out looking for it, rather then sitting at home in the middle of the night on the puter. It doesn't make us feel any better about our looks with them flipping thru pages off willing galls to flaunt there bodies, I say parental control lock the puter and let him know that you don't approve it, and feel disrespected by it. mine quit after every time I found it in my puter, I tossed the hard drive and bought a new one. it became to costly for him. I do believe, more of our husbands do it, or has done it then we care to admit to.
sending you big hugs.

dyno
02-23-2008, 03:40 PM
I also agree that you need to talk to someone. Also be aware at times this type of behavior can lead to other things. You need help with this. Sending hugs your way.

lorihoss
02-23-2008, 04:54 PM
I agree with the statement that I have resentment. I was just so blindsided by it all as I thought that we had a very good relationship and was able to talk about things. It just seems to have brought some things to light that need to be dealt with. I am in a group study of Get out of the Pit by Beth Moore which I know is going to help me out. I will find someone soon to talk to as I know God will direct me to the perfect person. The last time I needed a counselor he did. That is one thing I can praise god for.....He always comes through. thank you all for your help. Goodby.

leelee88
02-23-2008, 05:43 PM
Oh don't you just love Beth Moore..

But about your subject, You know internet addiction is very real! Esp porn and sex sites. And viewing sites is sometimes as far as it goes. Sometimes it leads to other things outside the marriage sometimes but most the times it does not.
Please know that by him doing this, it is not because you have did anything wrong. So do NOT ever let him make you feel that way.

This is his problem, HIS addiction. Please understand this is and addiction. Just like drugs or alcohol.
And yes I know it is affecting your marriage but it still is not from something you have done wrong. I really think professional help is what would help him out the most.

I hope you can work things out. Please know that if he is the man you say he is. You can work through this. :pray: