Very Sticky Marriage Question - Affair

[IC SARAH-CPP]

I am so confused!! Many people here know that my marriage has been very troubled for quite some time. My husband and I just kind of have different ideas about what we want from life. Like the kind of life we want to have, where we want to live, kids, etc. It is kind of crazy how different we think about those sorts of things. But we do love each other a lot and have been together almost 9 years now, so it is obvious we have a lot of love and respect for each other.

Anyway, after we moved to Hawaii I thought things would get way better b/c he was just so miserable in California and I thought his misery was what was making our marriage have so many problems. What he did to me in moving to Hawaii without me was just so wrong but I wanted to try and save my marriage so I moved over there 3 months after him and was prepared to try and work things out.

Well after I got here, things just started to get worse and worse and worse. Things were so bad that HIS parents, sister and grandma all told me I needed to leave him. He was verbally very abusive to me and he even pushed me one time and I fell down and hurt my wrist really bad. To top this off, we were living on his parents property, in our own house but still on their property, and they are totally off their rockers so that added problems to our marriage. I tried sooo hard to make it work everyone. I put up with so much from his parents, his nephew, and even him.

Well I finally reached my breaking point. I never knew what depression was until I went through this. I mean I could barely get out of bed in the morning, that is how depressed I have been. I told my husband every single day that I was unhappy, so unhappy, and that we needed to do something to change things. He just didnt listen and he didnt take me seriously.

I got a job in the town by where we live b/c I needed to get out before I hurt myself or something. During this time I swear to God, I thought about leaving my husband every single day. I would make plans in my mind about how I would leave him and what I would do, etc. But I never actually did anything about it.

But at this job I met someone..............a guy. I would never have an affair but I have feelings for this person! Like MAJOR feelings. Romantic feelings that a married woman should never have. This person and I have hung out together quite a few times and I have been able to talk to him about things I cant talk to anyone else about. He is the sweetest, most caring person and he does make me so much better about myself and my situation. I haven't done anything physical or even verbal with him but I still feel so bad. I told my husband about him and he is mad, of course, but I dont like to lie.

The part I need advice on is that I dont want to make a decision about marriage that is clouded by my feelings for this other man. In my mind, just the fact that I AM attracted to him and I WANT to do things with him is bad enough and says something very bad about my marriage. And I don't know if I am only feeling attraction and feelings towards him b/c I am so devistated by my marriage and I want out so bad that I am manifesting this by feeling attraction to someone else? Or if I do have feelings for this person and for my husband and that is just something that happens? I have never been through this before, ever. I have always been 100% loyal and attracted to my husband and have never ever thought of doing anything with anyone else.

I am just so confused!!! I don't know what to do. I am so angry at my husband for putting me through what he has put me through and for beating me down so much. And now he is being so nice to me and trying to make things work but I feel like it is only b/c now he is like "Oh crap, she is serious about leaving so I better shape up" but why didn't he do this or take me serious all the times I told him I was miserable and I wanted to change things? AND he refuses to go to marriage counseling or compromise on the things that are so important to me! He actually said " things will be fine if you just follow me and stay behind me and do what i want to do!!!!!!!!!!!!" Can you believe that? How am I supposed to deal with that?

Please don't think I am a bad person. I didn't mean for this to happen. I haven't done anything sexual or anything but just these feelings and desires are making me so guilty and scared. That guy called me the other night and we talked for 3 hours and it went so fast, it was like 20 mins. I can talk to him about anything and he is so understanding and cool.

Sarah

[petrie86]

Sarah,

You are NOT A BAD PERSON! There feelings your having are only natural. Your deprived of love and compassion. You husband has ignored you and your feelings and now is scared and willing to make things work? Does this "friend" you speak of feel the same way as you or does he only think of you as a friend? I'm not saying go for this new guy or friend, nobody can tell you what is right or wrong but only you and what's in your heart. If you feel your marriage is truely over and it's unfixable then its up to you to get a divorece and move on. But I wish you all the best in your decisions and i'm here to talk if ya ever want to!!!

hugs
Rachel

[ICNDonna]

Please talk with a counselor! If your husband won't go with you, go alone. You most definitely need help sorting out your feelings and making decisions for your future. It may be that your marriage can work; maybe not --- but I strongly advise against making quick decisions that will effect the rest of your life.

And let me know how you are doing.

Warm hugs,
Donna

[SandyRN]

sending you a pm

[IC SARAH-CPP]

Thank you ladies.

I agree 100% Donna, I don't want to make any quick decisions and I know my judgement is clouded by my feelings for this other man and i don't want that to be the reason I make the decision to end my marriage. I was feeling very much like divorcing before this happened but I guess I was too scared to do anything. I just don't want to hurt my husband but I also have to do what is best for me.

I think this other person does like me romantically but I am not sure. I know for sure he wouldn't do anything while i am married because he just isn't like that. He is so sweet though. He bought me a journal and wrote this lovely poem and message in there and told me he wanted to get me that so I could journal my feelings during this hard time. He has said he really worries about me because of the abusive things my husband has done to me. Like the pushing thing.

I have been to counseling and I am going right now. It is the same counselor I have been seeing for a couple years, so she knows me really well. I got my hubby to come in there one time and she said she really didn't think she could help us b/c of my husbands attitude. She was shocked at how he verbally abused me. So is everyone else, our friends, his family, my family, and my friends. His own mother pulled me aside recently and told me I needed to leave him. She said it broke her heart to think of me going through 30 years of abuse like she went through with my father in law. He calls me stupid in front of people and tells me I am lame and boring and I don't belong in Hawaii and I don't belong with other people. I should just sit in my room and read books and not have friends. It is so very hurtful and it has really beaten down my self confidence.

Thank you so much for reading my whole saga. I just am not feeling comfortable opening up to other people right now so it helps so much being able to post on here. I guess maybe it is easier to post on here than tell people in real life what is going on.

Sarah

[leelee88]

I agree with Donna, You really need to talk with a counserlor.. And remember anything you do you can not take back. Please think long an hard about this.

[Want2BPainFree]

From your post, I can understand why are you are attracted to this man. And despite the fact you are married, you seem to no longer have the love necessary to feed a marriage. I firmly believe that love is not a feeling, but action. One must love by acting lovingly, and then comes the feeling of being loved, but you do not love someone by feelings for them alone.

With that said, this man you are attracted to....you do not love him. However, if he continues to act in a loving way toward you and do the same (ie having long conversations, paying you compliments, calling, hanging out, etc), you will eventually actually be loving this man, and that will indeed ruin what is left of your marriage.

I agree with Donna. See a counselor. If you want to save your marriage, you must get your feelings in order and find out for yourself what it is that you want for your future. I do, however, speak from my own personal experiences, that no good comes of a physical or emotional affair outside of your marriage. It may feel really good right now, but it probably won't later, particularly because you work together.

Now, I would like to offer you a hug because while I am not walking in your shoes, I can hear how desperate you are for having your husband actually love you by his actions.

Hopefully a hug from a stranger will suffice for this moment.

[ICNDonna]

Another option for you is to contact the folks at a women's shelter for abused wives. They can also help you sort out your feelings, and if you are in an abusive situation, they will help guide you out of it.

Warm hugs,
Donna

[Babs RN]

Sarah,
I agree with Donna. Counseling is very important. I also want to add that being at the tail end of an abusive marriage myself where I had no self esteem left at all(you know the story), please don't jump into anything with someone new. I am glad you have a friend. Leave it there. If your marriage needs to end, you need to heal the wounds that have been left by your marriage before you will be able to be a contributing partner in a relationship again. PM me, please. I know how confused you are. Chris and I were together 15 years and have been apart coming up 2 years and I still don't see myself ready for another relationship. Really. Love ya kiddo and please PM me so we can talk, ok?

Hugs,
Barb:smile tee

[Bessie]

Hi Sarah,
I think everyone has given you some wonderful advice and suggestions. I am sorry you are going through this. :grouphug:

[dancemomof2]

I have to agree with counseling. Even if it is just for you to deal with the abuse. You are human and your feelings are normal for someone in your shoes, but please don't try to work through it alone.

[IC SARAH-CPP]

Thank you for the advice ladies.

I know that I cannot date this person at all, or jump in to a relationship with him. I guess it is just nice to have some nice, loving attention from someone. It has been so long since I have gotten any attention of that kind from my husband. I know that he does love me and he wants to work things out but I have so much resentment towards him and so much fear of being hurt emotionally.

I wish it was easier to know what to do. I thought I would just feel it if I needed to get divorced. Like it would be cut and dry, okay I need to leave - boom. But it isn't like that. I have so much uncertainty and so much fear of doing the wrong thing for myself. It is so hard hurting him too. He just cries and cries every time we talk and asks me how I could do this to him, etc.

Anyway, I do want people to know I am not having an affair. I am just tripped out that I have romantic feelings for another man. And that I have talked to him on the phone so much and hung out with him. I have an appt. with my therapist tomorrow and I will talk to her about all this I am sure.

Sarah

[Cricketmk3]

I agree with most all of the statements above! It sounds to me like your husband is not only verbally abusive but mentally abusive as well by treating you like crap and then crying when he thinks you're going to leave. I would have left the very second he pushed me down and hurt my wrist. If he was ever capable of doing that to you, he will be capable again. People don't change very easily. It is very natural for you to be drawn to someone who pays attention to you and talks to you when you are so confused so don't feel bad about that...your husband has pushed you right into it. I know from experience how it feels. I was married for 14 years and had two children when my husband found someone else and wanted out. I dated the first person who paid attention to me because I needed to feel like I was attractive and interesting to someone. BIG MISTAKE!! I believe you already know that your decisions can't be based on anything to do with the other guy. It's great that you are going to counselling. If your husband won't go then that is a perfect sign to you that he is not serious about working things out and changing. If you don't want to go so far as a divorce right now, then seperate for a while. Live by yourself and think about things without any influences. I believe you'll find that there can be someone in your life who loves you and won't treat you bad and who you can be truly happy with. I found someone wonderful like that and I am much happier with him than I ever was with my ex-husband...we were a bad mix. My boyfriend and I have been dating now for 6 years (I'm kind of sour on the marriage thing and can't bring myself to do it again). Don't feel guilty about your feelings...just be smart and do things in the proper order and if you are religious at all, pray. This is your life...the only one you'll get...and it flies by fast. When you know what you really want to do, be strong and do it!!

[sami4]

I think the fact that you are attracted to someone nice is a hopeful sign in the sense that you have not given up on the possibility of loving someone.
The bad news is that when you are in a bad relationship you are not clear headed enough to properly evaluate another potential person and have a tendency to pick someone who has a lot of traits like your present partner.
You also really dont intimately know this other guy and so you are free to project your hopes of what you think or wish he was like. Maybe he is what you think, maybe not, you have to know him under a lot of circumstances to know.
I guess the question to ask yourself about your present partner is,"Do I want to live the rest of my life like this?" He has already told you his way or the highway, so he is pretty clear on the fact that he isnt going to suddenly change or that he wants to (refused counseling). Marriage is usually thought to be a two way street, each person gets some of their needs met. Sounds like you are not getting much out of this, so you have to decide.
If you go to counseling by yourself, understand it may not effect him one whit. Have you ever asked him if he wants out? If he basically does then nothing you can do to or for yourself is going to make him turn into good marriage material.
So-would your life be better with or without him. Your life, not his or the kids, yours?

[ICNDonna]

I found a checklist for spousal abuse on another site. It makes so much sense that I decided to copy it here. If you think you might be in an abusive situation, it might help you decide what you should do.

Does your partner:

Threaten you or your loved ones?
Break your belongings?
Use guilt trips on you to have his own way?
Humiliate you in public or private?
Make you feel as if you should not go out with or contact friends and family?
Push, hit, choke or slap you?
Restrain you using force?
Apologize after being violent and yet repeat the behavior?
Blame you for his or her temper or behavior?
Wrongly accuse you of doing something?
Pressure or force you to have sex?
Ignore your feelings?
Withhold approval, appreciation or affection as punishment?
Continually criticize you, call you names and/or shout at you?
Abandon you in a dangerous place?
If your answer is "Yes" to one or more of the above, you may be involved in an abusive relationship.

[stacey79]

You've definitely gotten some good advice here. It sounds like you are on the right track with talking to a counselor.

Just wanted to send you some hugs right now. :grouphug::grouphug::kissing::grouphug::grouphug:

[Zygala87]

Sarah think back. Didn't you & your Husband talk and talk for hours and didn't you feel he totally understood you. That seems to be the case when two people are fond of each other and are lonesome. IS THE 'FRIEND MARRIED? Was he? Why isn't he? I think your Husband stinks. Had he hurt me physically he would not be able to walk for weeks. Did you ever feel your Husband was your soul-mate? Do you feel this new "FrIEND" is becoming your sould-mate? Do you have kids? If so remember the true Father is almost always the best Dad for kids. If you do not have children you know having one will NOT make your marriage any better. If no kids get away from your Husband but don't jump into a new relationship right away. Heal your body and soul before any commitment to either your Husband or any other Friend. Donna's advice is very good but after reading your post I have my doubts other then it may help you sort out your feelings. Last word=look your Husband in the eyes and tell him in no uncertain terms is he to lay his hands on you to hurt you. No pushing or anything else like that. Pray on it and God will help you sort things out one way or another. We all need help, can't hurt. I care so much for you. Life is short. Find a way to have peace and contentment. If your have children think of what is best for them first. Keep us informed as I am sure we all care and want the best for you. Ziggy

[kuntrygurl78]

I just wanted to say that I think youve been given some good advice. My real dad was very mentally abusive. Ive talked to my mom about it and what it took for her to finally get out. It was really hard. Then after my mom left, my dad started treating me the way he treated her. It was very hard because I was only 16. I know sorta what you are feeling. You love him so much, and he says he loves you, but yet why does he do these horrible things.

Dont wait til its too late. Do what you gotta do when you gotta do it. It took my grandpa physically helping me move out to snap me out of it. Then it was years of blaming myself. I shouldve been in counseling, but I couldnt afford it. Now I realize what I went thru was abuse. I didnt see it then. I didnt want to.

I bid you prayers on your journey.:pray:

[lisabar36]

Your not a bad person. I agree with everyone about counseling. I do not know if you are in an abusive situation or not. I do know that I was and it was very easy for me to be attracted to someone that was nice to me, but really what I needed was to sort my own feelings and deal with the divorce, I seen a counselor, I took my kids to counseling. It took me years but of course we are all different and I really needed that time to be on my own and deal with all the emotions and feelings. As I said, I have no idea what your situation is, I really wish you the best, I am sure your feelings are all over the place and I have been in your shoes before my divorce because when someone understood me, thats what I was lacking and needed, and my case maybe was different because my x husband was very very abusive, but I realized that I needed to be on my own and get my self esteem back and get my life together. I wish you the best of luck, you can PM me anytime if you need to talk, or vent, or anything. Don't feel like a bad person, a person cannot help feelings, its part of you. Its how you deal with them and approach your feelings thats most important. Sometimes guidance is the best resort from an experienced professional. They helped me ALOT. Good luck. :) Lisa