how do you motivate the unmotivated?

[petrie86]

Augh im so frustrustrated with my younder sister Bekah. Her current situation 17 years old, living with a friend, unemployed and all she wants to do is sleep late and hag out with her friends. How, do i get her to wake up and make her realize she needs a job and to go to hs and get her hs diploma?!!!
It's sad and frustrating to watch your family spiral downward and they dont have the motivation to help themselves! I found out from the hs that my mother applied for bekah to be homeschooled in 2006... however she never followed up with the school to let them know what classes she's studied so she can be credited. So now if bekah was to go back to hs she'd have to start in 10th grade where she left of bc of my mom. I'm so busy with my own life i text bekah saying since she's not working to call my mom or dad and find out waht they did and how she can get her credits so she can start in 12th grade where she should.... her response... NO WAY! I'm abusolutly livid with her, i said i dont mind helping you out once in a while but i cant do everything for you. you need to grow up and start taking responsibility for your own life! i will re enroll you in school, but you gotta do the dirty work and find out what mom did. she said she didnt want to talk to them and upset them. BS! she just wants us to do all the work. im tired of nagging her to get a job, and start making money and saving it but she just wont listen. I know when she runs out of money she will come crying to my older sister and i for money. and i wont want to give it to her. (outa the kindness of my heart i probably will but i dont want to.) she's gotta wake up and do things for herself. I cant make her do anything she has to WANT to do it for herself. I've had it!!!!
Chelsea said she's going to the laundry mat later and will text my mom. But i just wish bekah would snap outa it. I swear she's 17 going on 12. What more can i do for her? i dont want to see her homeless with no money. But she doesnt do things bc she thinks oh my older sisters will do it! well no way!!! im done!
any advice or support would help me at this point. I'm only 21 and new at mothering lol please help!

[traceann]

Oh boy, what a tough situation!! If you help, she's never going to learn the skills to do for herself, but being loving family it's hard to resist the urge. Nothing like being stuck between a rock and hard place! I have a friend who's brother is in his late 30's and sometimes is so clueless on the "must do" side of life, because his parents have always stepped in and taken care of things the minute he gets into a sticky situation. We joke that he's going to be in a world of trouble when mom and dad are no longer around to bail him out of his troubles! And they are stupid ones too - like just pay your dang bills, lol. Ugh.

So yeah, it's a tough spot to be in. On one hand she needs to learn the REAL consequences of her actions or should say inactions, the lesson learned the hard way, maybe that might be enough motivation to never want that to happen again etc. But it's hard to watch someone we love struggle (even if it's their own fault they are there, no matter how irritated it makes us, lol ;) ), we feel compelled to step in. You can only do what you can only do - short of grabbing her by the hair and physically dragging her to the school, lmao, which is probably not a good plan, :)

Some things a person has to do for themselves, no one else BUT them can do it. *sigh* That's where the serious frustration sets in! Maybe a good long heart to heart over a quiet lunch or something might help get her to see the light - you never know and it's worth a try. Maybe try to twist it so you are guiding her but she feels that SHE's making the decisions etc, instead of being pushed into them and whatnot. You gotta love teenage rebellion! NOT!!! ;)

Just know that I am sending you lots of positive energies and good thoughts to help you help her!!! ;)

[petrie86]

Thanks Tracey, augh gotta love teenagers!!! But We've all sat with her on numerous occations over dinner and talking about her priorities and what needs to be done. My sister and i and our close family friend janette whose like a mother to us all. It goes well during dinner she agree's to all we tell her to do and never does it! It's like it goes in one ear and out the other. Like janette told her to apply to shop rite bc they have great benefits, of course she didnt want to work there bc its' not "cool" but she agreed. a week later she applied online bc we made her and she hasnt done anything since like gone in the store and asked for the manager... nope she's so lazy its rediculous. iyiyiyi i could rip my hair out. LMAO anyways my parents are going to the bahamas tomorrow so we've heard through the grape vine... so things have to be done today. The women from the school will be contacting me this week and letting me know what we can do.

Thanks again for the kind words and support. Lord knows we need it now!!!!

[ICNDonna]

I wish I had an answer for you. :grouphug:

Warm hugs,
Donna

[yvette]

(((((((petrie)))))))))))) ugh. i understand this better than you know...my only advice is this: Its that saying...You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. This is so true...as much as you want the best for your sister, you can't live her life for her. She has to be the one to do it.

If you continually come along and save her butt all the time....she'll feel she's entitled...and it doesn't help the situation. (I think the professional term is called "enabling".) You can support her in other ways besides the material and financial aspect. You can listen to her, give her moral suppoprt....but the rest of it....It can get pretty out of control, but she's YOUNG so maybe she'll get bored of that lifestyle once she sees it goes nowhere fast.

Ultimately what you do is your decision....I can tell you from expereince I've dealt with an OLDER sibling with this problem....I'm done. I have no more money to give (and that person has worn out their welcome with everyone else too) There's, of course, more underlying problems too....

Good Luck in whatever you decide....and don't let it make you crazy, K?!?! :hi:

[Claredale]

Dealing with teenagers isn't easy. I raised 2 and they were famous for listening to advice then not following through. They grow out of it most of the time! I just don't know the answer except to pray hard for her! As Yvette said, you can lead a horse....

I don't want to scare you, but I have a brother-in-law that pretty much did the same thing. Dropped out of school, he eventualy got his GED, but he is now 52, always had people take care and get him out of his decisions his entire life. He is 52 and hasn't kept down a job for more than a few months and his parents still help him out. They are retired and older now and they tell him no most of the time. He blames them now and said if they didn't make it easy for him when he was a teenager, responsibility wouldn't scare him. He was a very clever teenager from what I have heard. He was already in the full mix of his mess when I married into the family. He called me for money one time so he could eat. He also had a little girl at the time I went to some fast food restaurants and got him gift certificates (this was a long time ago) and he wasn't happy with me at all for not just giving him the money. I only did that because of his daughter. She was since raised by another aunt on her mom's side). She is grown now and off to college.


Prayers and hugs!
Tracey