Comtemplating Divorce

[ROSA]

After 21 1/2 years of marraige my husband come to me and tells me the morning of daylight saving time this past Nov 4, after a night of romantic sex (we started having sex after 2 years of not being able to due to pain) that he found someone (the love of his life) a women whom he understands completely and she understands him completely... He has been living a lie that for the past 15 year he only saw me as the mother of his two daughters...

I am still in shock and very very very angry......

I'll be 45 this year... I'm obese(250lbs.), gradually gaining weight due to all my meds and illnesses and lack of exercise... I retired in 2005 form the military 20 years of service and am currently 100% disabled according to theVA yet they say the my bladder condition is not permanent...

I'm comtemplating selling my house here in MD and if the Lord is willing I will be moving to Jax, FL where my mom lives...

[dyno]

I am sending hugs your way. I am so sorry you are going through this. I can tell you there is life on the other side of these terrible situations. You just have to take it a step at a time.

Right now if you have anyone you are close to, keep your friends and family close for support. I am sure you are in shock, and angry, you have that right.

I know because I have been there. 3 years ago this coming May, I left my husband of then 13 years after a horrible situation came to light. It was very difficult and at first I had no idea how I would cope.

Now almost 3 years later, I am happy, working at my own business and have a new man who treats me great.

It will take time and you will go through every emotion you can dream of, sometimes more than once. It is OK to feel those things.

Just know that we are here for you to listen and believe me when I tell you that you can get through this.

Hang in there!:kissing:

[Claredale]

:grouphug:

Tracey

[tigger_gal]

Rosa,
I am so very sorry :grouphug: men can be so cruel..
sending you big cyber hugs, and a lot of prayers to get you thru this hard time.
Divorce is never easy, I went that route 12 years ago, I remarried 3 years later.
I bet you will lose a lot of stress when he is gone.

[ICNDonna]

I'm so sorry you are facing this. But just remember that you will get through it.

Warm hugs,
Donna

[leelee88]

Something like a this is never easy and can be devastating. But he will realize that the grass is not that greener on the other side!!

I really am sorry you are having to go through this, but you will get through this and be stronger for it. You just remember YOU did NOTHING wrong! And you do not deserve this. But you will be better off without him in the long run. And maybe later on down the road you will find someone deserving of you. ((((((hugs))))))))

[ICNJess]

I myself am going through a divorce. My husband left me and our daughter on November 9th and caused a wake of destruction in the process. If you would like to talk, I would be glad to listen. Big hugs!

[hdb1982]

I am sorry you, and anyone else in this situation, are going through this. I imagine it is very painful. Remember what they say, if he doesn't want you during the bad times, he doesn't deserve you during the good!!

[Berkshire Road]

:grouphug:

[GriffsMommy]

I am so sorry. I can only imagine the betrayal you feel after finding out how long this has been going on. You deserve someone better than that, someone who will be honest with you. I'm sure it will take a lot of time to heal but it sounds like you are better off without him which I'm sure everyone is saying right now but it is the truth. I wish I could take away your pain but all I can do is give you a big hug :grouphug:

[dverba]

Rosa,
My prayers are with you. I am so sorry life has to have such hard trials.

[SharonA]

I am so sorry. You will get through this. (((Hugs)))

[ROSA]

thanks, all...

It's been hard to keep positive and not cry in front of both my daughters, my oldest will be 21 in March and my youngest is 16. I really do not keep up with friends its the darn military mentality. I might call or email. But frankly I am really bad at keeping in touch with people...

My girls are very mad at their father, especially since he wants them to accept his mistress and her kids. He intends to marry as soon as he and she both get divorced. The irony is she is also married and with two kids 20, 16; also, her work visa has expired.

I should write a book...:loco:

[tigger_gal]

boy that makes me mad.. gggrrr, you know not sure what the law is there but here in Mich, if you became disabled while you were married, he has to keep you on his medical insurance and pay alimony. Just a thought for you to consider.

[ROSA]

Well, what gets me madder is I have medical and dental benefits through the military since I retired with 20 years of service...I have a retirement check 1/2 my last pay while I was in and I also have disability check through the VA 100% service connected disability.

My husband has benefits due to my military career.... He has been benefiting from me for the last 19 years!!!! And he will still benefit even if he gets a divorce...

The tables are turned in his favor because he is my dependent spouse. If he gets married he will stop getting benefits, but can start them over if he gets divorce.

I told him he waited all these years to have these benefits while he was being an adulter behind my back.

what do you think of that...

[tigger_gal]

I don't think that is fair at all.. if he is not your dependant any more, then he should not get anything else.

[BBB]

Rosa~
I am so sorry. You and your children are, and will remain, in my thoughts and prayers. I wish there was something I could say to comfort you and take your pain away.

You will go on. It will not be easy, nor quick, however you will survive. I pray for that time that you may forgive (but never forget) and let go of your well deserved anger so this does not destroy your soul. The road could be long and bumpy but you, the wonderful women you are, will take an exit to a new city with blue skies. Someday you will be happy again!

On the other hand your husband will not. I have heard and seen of these affair situations many times. When the "love of his life" and he share a real life and not a fantasy life, regret will be swift. Quickly, these two people will see each other in day to day life of sickness, paying bills, work issues, cleaning toilets and waking up to morning breath. Not to mention the challenging task of blending children and families that are hostile.

This women will have "warts" (we all do), issues and god knows what else..as she will see in him. This will be no longer a fantasy love story but real life with real problems that have to be faced each and every day. No escaping to a women that appears to be perfect on hard days.

Why wouldn't he appear to be perfect to her also? They both have never been together 24/7, weeks on end, with fights about whos turn it to do what it takes to run a home or deal with a ****** off 16 year old who wants a later curfew.

It is then that they see each other for the "imperfect" people they are (like all of us are)...BUT how could that not be a HUGE let down to this fantasy they have been living (apart mind you) for so long. Remember this....he was with you in real life when he found her. When life becomes real with her what is to stop him from looking elsewhere? Crash and burn, love story over.

By then you have gone through hell and back and are healing. This has nothing to do with your weight or illness. It is his issues. Yes you have yours but if he had an ounce of character you would moved on long ago.

In my humble opinion, please don't try to stop loving him overnight. You were with him a long time and have two beautiful children together. For right now your job is to just breath in and out and take care of your children.

Sincerely,
Betsy

P.S. If all else fails go the "Corp" way and just pull yourself up by your boot straps G*d Dam**t!! Just kidding....I am a daughter of a 71 year old Marine and that is what he tells me when I am down! Not trying to make light, laughter is my best medicine!

[ROSA]

I agree, yet in the military laws were made to protect the wives of sailors, marines, soldiers etc.,. that were married and later divorcing their wives at a drop of a hat... You know a wife in every port ...

Well, there are many women on active duty that have husbands (dependent spouses) whom may have been previous military and gotten out before retirement and became civilians or were civilians to begin with.

These laws were made to protect dependent spouses regardless of civilian jobs along with their children.

In my case my husband got out of active duty due to a bad knee (20% disability) in 1987 with 8 years completed on active duty and has a goverment job here in MD with NIH. He was using my medical and dental dependent spouse benefits all this time and continues to use them while I retired I pay around 400.00 a year to have medical benefits for my dependents(husband and children) and around 20.00 dollars a month for dental family plan...

Military personnel has lost a lot of free benefits throughout the past years. Now only Medical excluding dental is free if you are on active duty. Active duty personnel pay for dental plans for their families. It is still very affordable..., yet military personnel have great sacrifices to get them...
and long hours to boot...:bonk:

And you wouldn't believe me if I told you about the things that our medical plan refuse to pay for or cover... whether you are on active duty, or reserve duty.....

No ONE JOINS the military to be or get rich. You join because you have the HEART TO SERVE YOUR COUNTRY whether it be during war or during peace times. There is no word in the english language or spanish I'm hispanice that can sum up the feeling of PRIDE to be in uniform, to salute your flag and to promise to Serve God, Country and Corps...

I joined the Marine Corps in April 1985 and stayed in the Department of the Navy by transfering to the Hospital Corpman ranks in Feb 1989. I have done and seen things during my career...It's not for everyone, there are many Sacrifices.... I especially pray for those currently serving regardless of rank and station...:pray:

[traceann]

Hey Rosa - I just wanted to say that I've been the child in a situation just like yours, it was spooky reading it! My dad left mom "officially" when I was 18. He wanted me to "accept" the woman that he'd been apparently seeing for 10 yrs. It was NOT an easy thing to swallow at all. I was so angry at the whole mess. As soon as mom and dad were divorced, he married the new one. I was so mad, so angry for my mom it was awful - but I was also HAPPY for her and I told her so. She now could move forward in HER life and do what she wanted etc. It was like getting a whole new second chance to put herself first for once, instead of always coming in 2nd. I really was happy for her, I felt she'd been treated so unfairly she was better out of it.

I've also been the one in a divorce as well, lol. Granted I did the leaving, but every day now I look back and KNOW it was the right move. Felt terrifying in the beginning, oh my gosh, I was a big walking anxiety attack waiting to happen, lol. But I made it and I did a lot of things I never though I could do - for one, getting my own mortgage to buy the ex out. I was sooooo proud of myself! That experience showed me that I could do things when I needed to, regardless of how scared I was - it really is an empowering feeling!!! ;)

Please keep your chin up, I know it all sounds trite right now to you - but you will get through it and feel better about yourself for it!!!!

BIG hugs,
Tracey

[VickiB]

Oh Rosa, I am so sorry! This is heart-breaking!

I agree with Betsy's suggestion,..for now, just breathe in & out and take care of your children.

Be good to yourself and know our thoughts and prayers are with you through this tough time!

Hugs,
Vicki

[jen74]

Hi Rosa.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. He is a stupid-ass! I am sorry, I harldy ever swear, but this just makes me sick. You are better off w/out him. I know this is easier said that done though. My moms friend who was married for over 25 years had a similar situation. Her hubby just out of no where told her he was not satisfied ( sexually) with her and he had found someone else. She was devastated naturally.Well, a year later he came crawling back saying he was sorry and wanted to start over no questions asked. Well you could imagine what she said to that! Thats right, she told him where he could go. She now has someone who loves her dearly and she is very happy. You are in my prayers. Sending big hugs your way.
Jen

[ROSA]

:angel: thank you, all for all the encouraging words and hugs.... I was holding alot of feelings...I have always had faith in God, I still believe that the Good Lord will not give me more than what I can handle... My experiences in the past was that it can always be worse.:help: My daughters are more close to each other and we are working together with me to get on with our lives.

I have my family and my husband family on my daughters side, as well as mine. 21 and 1/2 years is a long time my sister in laws and mother in law say that this divorce will not affect our relationship. It did affect our thanksgiving and x-mas.... I told my husband that he was selfish that he could of waited until after the holidays. My daughters did not want me to but up and adorn the house for thanksgiving and x-mas. I taught my girls that you should give thanks to God everyday so not visiting and celebrating these holidays was fine with them.

[muxerr012]

Oh Rosa, I am so sorry for your pain!! This man is a deadbeat coward!! Yes he used you in so many ways for so many years and I'm so sorry for that. But I know you have a stiff upper lip and a strong back bone with your military background. Do NOT take this lying down!! I too am 45 years old with a 23 yr old son and 2 grandbabies. I KNOW where you're at. Get up and fight!! Fight the IC, the weight gaining meds, and this betraying husband!!! You can and will do it. I can tell by your posts that you're one tough woman. Are you ready to fight back? Get your life back? Please do it for yourself and for your 2 daughters. Get that military mindset back on and go for it. I do understand how the meds can cause huge weight gain-but there are things you can do to fight back and feel better. Get to feeling better about yourself, your health, your mind and your body. Soon you will realize how much better life is for you without that parasite of a husband on your back.

I wish you much luck and happiness in your new life-which by the way is just around the next bend for you. Grab it and go-be happy ok.... Oh and remember what goes around comes around. Your soon to be ex hubby will soon meet his match. You simply can NOT go around treating people like that in this world without consequences. He will get his, believe you me!

[SandyRN]

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. It is so unfair of your husband to treat you like this! I can't believe after all these years he just up and decided to tell you, and after sex at that! UNBELIEVABLE! Did you have any clues over the years, anything that made you think that perhaps he might have been having an affair? I can't imagine how cold and calculating he had to be to have deceived you and your daughters all this time! How in the world did he live two lives? How did he live with himself?!?

It's unbelievable what people will do sometimes just to get what they want for themselves...nevermind who gets in their way or who they might hurt along they way. As long as HE'S set for life then what does it matter to him?

I'm very angry for you! I really am. I went through two lost marriages but never for reasons like you are going through. It's never easy but it does give you a second chance for the life YOU want. 45 isn't old, it's a perfect time for you to pick yourself up and start the new life you've thought about, time to do things for yourself for a change. Your daughters are old enough (almost old enough anyway) to start their own lives soon. Try to put a positive spin on it so that you can get through the pain of his lifetime of lies. If you only focus on what he did to you it's going to be much harder to get through this. I had a cheating husband in my first marriage. It's devastating to say the least, but you DO get through it, you WILL get through it. You sound like a tough, strong lady.

Please keep us updated and let us know how you're doing. What are you guys doing now? Is he still living in the house with you right now? Can he support himself if he was to move out on his own til SHE got divorced?

I wonder how HER husband took the news.

I'm just sitting here shaking my head. I'm so very sorry. We're always here if you need a shoulder.

Take care of yourself and those sweet girls of yours.

Hugs, Sandy

[muxerr012]

I'm still fuming over that darned husband and I wish I could kick him 'you know where'!!!!!!

I send you many wishes for strength and courage Rosa :pray: You have such a good life coming I just know it. Please hang tough and be well. Big hug,

[sandymarie]

I am like these other women. BBB had some of the best advice I could have ever even thought to tell you as well as all the others. You are a strong lady and you are soooo much more worthy of someone better than he is. If you really think about it, You really lost nothing, in fact you got the better end of the deal even though right now it does not feel like it to you. Can you imagine what God feels about him and how much more he wants to bless you with a man that you deserve. I am very disgusted with the way and the time that he chose to do it , but it is his loss for sure. I know you are angry and hurt but as Sandy said, you will heal in time. You should be proud of yourself. You will have more time to concentrate on yourself and more money to spend on the things that you want. He really was dead weight. I can see beauty in your post, you will survive and be better off. Toys are a dime a dozen, but a virtuious woman is hard to find. God says that a woman of noble character is worth far more than rubies. He is the loser, not you. One day you will look back and thank him for leaving and just wish he had done it sooner. My prayers are with you and your children. As far as the other woman, she got what she deserved. NOTHING


JJ:grouphug::grouphug::pray::pray:

[traceann]

Rosa, that's what we do best around here - provide really large shoulders to lean on and cry on when necessary :angel: As you can see you've already gotten quite a few in your corner ;) If there's one thing - this place is great for support (of any kind!) and encouragement, you can believe that you'll get tons of both!!!

I too believe everything happens for a reason, even though we may not know what it is at that time when something feels like a punishment. In time it always comes around - and you figure out why it went the way it did. I won't say time heals all wounds - but it sure does take a lot of sting out of them! :kissing: And we are always stronger for it :grouphug:

[Annie2]

How I wish I had something profound I could say to you, but the best I can offer is another shoulder to lean on, another person in your corner and another person here for you.

I, too, have been through the trauma and drama of it all. I went through a divorce decades ago (when the process itself was a bit more difficult). I gave my first marriage every chance, but he was not about to change or try to save our marriage. His second affair was the end of the line for me. It was a very painful thing to go through, but I did come out of it a much stronger woman. At the time, my father kept telling me "the sun would shine again". It was not exactly what I wanted to hear at the time, but I appreciated my father's efforts to comfort me. And Dad was right. Oh, how the sun did shine again! My life was so much better without my ex. Then, when I least expected it and wasn't looking for it, I met a phenominal man. He, too, had been through a traumatic divorce. We will celebrate our 33rd anniversary this June. We went into our marriage with our eyes wide open and very sure we were both committed to spending the rest of our lives together. It's been a great marriage and a wonderful life together.

Encouraging words give hope at this time, but I know they don't take the pain away. Traceann was so right in saying time may not totally heal, but it does take the sting away. And as time passes and you build a wonderful new life, you will feel joy again. Maybe not today or next week or next month, but eventually you will realize how much stronger you are and how much better your life has become. Through it all, we'll be here for you to listen and to lend you all of our support.

:grouphug:

[ROSA]

I did not think that my husband was having an affair behind my back.

He even came to my psychiatry appointments and met my shrink. He was involved in my treatments and also trying to deal with my pain, learning how to live with a person you love with chronic painful illness, also I have obstructive sleep apnea and have been sleeping with a CPAP since Jan 2005.

My husband would come home for lunch to make sure I was okay last year I have 10 vaso vagil episodes... He was working out at the gym more and sticking to it more than in the past, but this was due to his father having heart desease and dieing and an early age. When the girls commented on his weight improvement, he would say that he can't afford to have an affair.

What was crazy is my neighbors freaked out when he told them he was leaving and getting a divorce and if they can keep an eye out since I and the girls would not have him around ???? for safety reasons...

When I told my psychiatrist and psychologist one for pain management and the other for coping with living with chronic pain, well all of my doctors both at the VA and at the Naval Hospital and Army Hospital my entire treatment plan team....you know primary doc, GI, Uro/gyn, physical thearapy pelvic floor, pain clinic, podiaty, nutritionist, rheumatologist...Any way my they all asked if he was bi-polar, or had mental illness or taking meds. My doc(s) couldn't believe that he would do this.

My husband moved out 20 days after he told me wondered why I was in a funk and quiet during this time. Aparently he felt that I should accept this right away and that we should still be friends... he wanted to discuss his everyday routine and especially he wanted to come and go since our house is in both our names that he wanted to be in the house in the morn to check on the girls and come home after work eat dinner, and be here in the evenings for the girls ... that the only thing that will be different will be that he will go out in town to an apartment and sleep with this lady mistress and that this lady was going to do the same until the can get divorced....(she wants to cook for he 15 yo son and husband also as well as keep her house in order)

I told him that he's MAD CRAZY!!!

Like I said my life was like a SOAP Opera...I should write a book...