Feeling Down

[mbhbarb]

My life is a mess. In the last few years it’s as if my body is self-destructing. Following close on its heels is my personal life. I work hard to remain positive but there are times like this when I take a step back and cast a realistic eye on my situation and I can’t deny the shambles things are in.

I don’t work anymore because I couldn't teach effectively in light of expanding medical issues. Although I keep in touch with a few former colleagues, mostly they’ve moved on. I miss being part of a school community. I substitute when I can and enjoy being around the kids, but I am not part of a campus and that is a loss not only because I no longer have a significant life outside my home, not only because I have lost the sense of self-esteem that came from doing work I believe in, but also because I can no longer do what I used to do. I have limitations now. That is difficult to accept.

Not having a professional life makes my personal life all the more significant. Sadly, my marriage is falling apart. Every time I think I’ve gotten myself together enough to resume the intimate part of our relationship something else happens to me and I’m out of commission again. Yes I’ve read the handbook. My husband is afraid he’ll hurt me - a legitimate fear. He’s frustrated because I don’t get better. He feels guilty for feeling that way and he feels guilty for being healthy. He’s pulled away to protect himself from disappointment and to protect me from expectations. The net result is that we are both sad and lonely and unfulfilled. We live our solitary lives in different rooms, taking turns with the TV and the computer, hiding in our misery alone.

Although I know I am not to blame, and no one could be doing more than I am to try to get better, I feel guilty for being sick, for bringing the stress of my medical issues and the corresponding financial issues to our marriage, and for not being able to hold up my end of the relationship. I work hard to maintain an inner peace but lurking beneath it is a sense of desperation to get better before I have nothing left.

What is wrong? The good news is that my IC is under control most of the time. But an ever-present stubborn yeast infection and thrush, adhesions (my cervix and bladder are connected), hormone issues (went off hormone replacement because of endometriosis), menopause, adrenal insufficiency, acid reflux, IBS, irregular heartbeat, severe sleep apnea, insomnia, hemorrhoids, chronic cyst formation, rosecia, psoriasis, and sinus problems combine to make having a body less than enjoyable.

It doesn’t even look good anymore. I am aging poorly. It is difficult to look in the mirror and see drooping skin and bags and wrinkles where once I had curves and smooth, clear skin. I have not let myself go. I keep my hair done, I dress well, and I work out at least every other day – aerobics and weight lifting. Under the sags and bags I am toned and muscular, but that’s not what I see. I don't feel attractive. I don’t know how to adjust to that.

Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this. I feel better just having written it all down. I pride myself on my ability to adjust quickly to new situations but just at the moment I am overwhelmed.

barb

[Kara29]

Dear Barb,

I'm so sorry to hear about the state of affairs in your life. I'd like you to know that many of us here on the ICN are going through something very similar in our own lives. Many of us had to stop working as well and the IC has taken it's toll on our friendships and love life. The good news besides hearing your IC is faring on the better side...........we are all here for you! If you need to talk things out this is what we are all here for. We can't replace what a great counselor and or marriage counselor could do for you but we can listen. Is it possible for you to contact a local therapist in your area so you have double support? You came to the right place to look for some very compassionate and loving people. Although, not all of us work and we can't replace your real life co-workers, we are real and have real feelings.

Have you checked out the ICN Patient Handbook? It has many subjects that you have listed here and how to cope:http://www.ic-network.com/handbook/

My thoughts and prayers are with you as you face this journey.

Gentle Hugs, :grouphug:

Kara:smile tee

[annabella22]

Hi Barb! :grouphug:

I think we have all felt the emotions you are feeling. It is very hard to stay strong all the time, especially when you are in pain. Sometimes you just need to let it all out, and then it is easier to pick yourself up and keep going. I hope you feel better soon!

[littlemyrn]

We all have these feelings at one time or another. We can only do what we are able and sometimes it is so frustrating for me also. I was always so active, never sitting still and now I find I need to rest more than be on the go. There are good days and that is when I enjoy all the things that are important to me.

Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

[ICNDonna]

Sometimes it takes a professional counselor to help sort out our feelings. It sounds very much like that would be a good thing for you to do.

Sending gentle hugs,
Donna

[leelee88]

Hello Barb,

((((hugs))))
I can relate to the loosing the job part. And I have lost alot of friend due to IC. But as many have convinced they must of not of really been friend in the first place or they would still be in my life..

And as far as your husband, have you thought about marriage counseling? It sounds like you both still care about one another. I sometimes I feel like I am a burdon on my husband and my family. I think everyone with a disease like IC feels like that at some point or another.

But I want you to know that you are not alone and we are all here for you..

Hugs

[lisabar36]

Hi Barb, I have also felt that way, especially as a single mom of 3 kids, I was diagnosed in 1999, but suffered years before that and I felt hopeless and that I failed as a mom because I was always sick, I wasn't very active. Its very hard as we all have have felt emotions. Just hang in there and try to be strong! My thoughts are with you.

[Berkshire Road]

Hi Barb. I know the kind of toll that IC and other chronic illnesses can take on a marriage - believe me, I know. With the help of individual counseling (for me) and some sessions with a marriage counselor, we are back on track and more in tune with each other than ever as we enter our 18th year as a couple.

It's discouraging to feel like our youthful looks are fading, but really, this was going to happen to all of us at some point in our lives. We're real people, we do get older and obviously, people can tell. My grandmother lived to be 95 and she told me she never got used to seeing the "old crone in the mirror," so I think that's just a part of the human condition. We form our self images when we're young, and then we change.

I think a lot of people tend to get discouraged around the holiday season, especially if things are not going as well in our lives as we'd like. It's something you could speak to your doctor about, and as I said, counseling can work wonders.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down and I hope that things will improve for you!

[Dora]

I want you to know your not alone and I understand what your feeling. Every word you wrote touched me and I have felt that same way for a long time. Its so hard to see life going on around you and its sometimes to painfull to watch. I am so glad you found this site and you can share those feelings with people who not only Understand but really do care about you. I have lost friends because I just am no fun anymore. I dont answer the phone and sit and cry when They call because I dont want to talk to anyone and pretty soon no one calls. I am working hard trying to keep a positive attitude but most of the time its an act. I will say that things are getting better and this site and the people here ( I dont think they even realise it) have made such a difference in my life. Its only been a few weeks of reading their posts and talking in chat. If you ever want to talk or just hang out online and play a couple games on yahoo or something please let me know. Sometimes its those little things that make the bigest difference.

[dg2901]

I have nothing to add that hasnt already been said.
Hopefully you'll start feeling better very soon.

Diana

[BBB]

Dearest Barb,
You have got some wonderful feedback already so I just wanted to say how beautiful your writing is. I am sorry you have to hurt like that and you will get to a point where it is managable. That could have been me writing that post several months ago.

Know we are always her for you and your husband too! I would print off some of the reading materials on this site and have him read it. That, and a goodd counselor, help my marriage a lot.

Take care honey,
Betsy

[mbhbarb]

Thank you to all of you who wrote. Your ideas and compassion are inspiring. Today is a better day. As I read elsewhere on this site recently, "we can't be strong all of the time." It is reassuring to know that when we are not there are caring people to offer wisdom and/or a verbal embrace.

barb

[Annie2]

Barb,

I just want to add another cyber hug. :grouphug: It's true; we can't be strong all of the time. Somestimes we have to shed a few tears and throw a pity party for ourselves. It's ok to do that. The important thing is to pick yourself up afterwards and keep on trying. The others are right about counseling. As we progress through life, we all must overcome adversity. Some have more to overcome than others. Sometimes the best thing we can do to help ourselves is seek the services of an experienced professional who can give us more insight and the tools we need to better deal with our problems.

I recently turned 60. My spirit, however, is still very young. One day just a few years ago I woke up, looked in the mirror and saw my grandmother staring back at me. I didn't see it happening gradually. The realization was very sudden. I ran to the piano where I had a picture of my grandmother. I grabbed that photo, went back to the mirror and held the picture up next to my face. Yep...I looked just like her. Gone was my youthful, smooth face. It was replaced with wrinkles and sagging jowls. It was a sudden realization that youth had abandoned me and I was now an elder. How could I be so old and wrinkled when inside I still felt young and vibrant? It took me a while to reach acceptance. But I did get there. It's not that I don't have times when I miss the energy and enthusiasm of youth, for I do. But I have come to realize it's the inside that really matters, no matter your age. The point is I have accepted who I am.....limitations of age and health and all. I greyed very early and for decades I colored my hair. When I reached acceptance, I let it grow out to it's natural white color. It's not that I don't keep trying to look my best. I do. But I've learned to try to be the best "me" that I can be. I no longer try to be what I am not. My body is aging, but I keep my mind active and open and true to what I feel (and I do still feel young inside).

A couple of years ago I went to my 40th high school reunion. There were a few of us who had let ourselves turn grey. We all got together for a big group hug and laugh. Then one of the "girls" said, "Isn't this wonderful? It's so liberating! At last we are free to be our own selves". How right she was. Long gone are the days when we tried to impress one another, when we tried to be like one another and be "cool". Gone are the cliques that separated us into groups when we were young. We truly appreciate each other for the wonderful individuals we are. It's not whether or not we color our hair (that's just outward appearance). What is important is that we have reached acceptance, acceptance of ourselves and of others, warts and limitations and all.

One thing that helped me reach acceptance of aging and my health problems was thinking about how I would like to be remembered. I began to realize I don't care at all if anyone remembers the physical beauty of my youth. And I don't care about anyone remembering how much success or failure I've had. What I do hope will be remembered is that I tried. That's what I want for my epitaph. She tried.

When you need to be less than strong, that's ok. Be what you need to be. Just remember the important thing in life is to keep on trying.

[Bessie]

Annie,
That was such a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing that with us :hi:

[Berkshire Road]

Does anyone remember this old song? The Weavers sang it. The lyrics are:

"How do I know my youth is all spent
My get up and go
Has got up and went
But in spite of it all I'm able to grin
When I think of the places my get up has been!"

[ltlmiss]

I'm so sorry you feel that way because I feel the same way and am going through the same things as you are with your career and marriage. I'm sure you are going to get through this, it is just a hard time for you right now. Things WILL get better!! Try not to be so hard on yourself! Best wishes, Missy

[Agape]

These were great posts. I can really identify with Barb. All of this, IC stuff, age etc. has really affected my marriage and life too. I have felt like a burden and not doing my share. I am still working, but many days it is only with the help of pain meds. Prayer is the only thing that gets me through the day sometimes and the hope that God is in control and things will get better or He will see me through it. My prayer is the same for all of you too.