Really depressed...

[born2swim]

I guess this is the right place post. I have been fighting tears all day. I saw my internist today and before I could ask her about upping my anti-depressant dose, the tears started. I am not someone that cries in front of others, especially my doctors. I couldn't control it. I asked her if it was from this newer med I'm on (Tofranil), but she feels that I have been keeping all my sadness, frustration, anger, etc in for so long, that I finally released it. This weekend has been rough but today was terrible. I was so depressed and cried several times. She said that it is cathartic and to let it all out. I guess that when I am focused on classes, I just put my emotions behind me... but having 3 days off, I had enough time to "reflect" on my pathetic existence. I just feel so lost right now. I am sad, frustrated, angry, afraid. I feel that if I never get this bladder under control, my future will be ruined.

Now... you know that is NOT like me and that is freaking me out. I am scared that this new med (Tofranil) is doing it to me, but my internist isn't as concerned. She said to up my Lexapro from the baby dose to a more therapeutic dose. We'll see if that helps. Maybe this is just a temporary low and I will feel better once my mind is occupied again. I hope this stops. I do not cry. I am strong, not emotional, and level-headed. This is not me. I don't just break down in tears because I am tired. I don't let my doctors see me cry. The last time I saw my uro, I said with a straight face, "I come here, laughing, smiling, telling jokes, but the truth is my bladder is destroying my life". He knows and determined to find something to help me. I feel like I will never be normal again. I want to be able to run again. I want to be able to sleep well again. I am so tired of being tired. I am so tired of being strong all the time. I am just so tired...

I don't know how to get past this feeling. I will give it a few days and see if it passes... if not, I will have to do something.

I feel so lost. I feel like I will never get my life back. I'm not asking for perfection, but I shouldn't have to dehydrate myself so I can do a 2 hour car ride or take and exam in school. Sometimes I feel like I'm making progress (like only waking up twice at night), but then I realize that I am making very little urine and am dehydrated. I don't know if I will ever have a good day again.

Sorry to be such a downer...

[leelee88]

Alyssa,

(((((hugs)))))))

Now let me say when mixing any kind of drugs we all know there could be side effects, PLEASE do no let this go unwarranted if you are having thoughts of hopelessness, sadnees and just feeling that your life has no meaning.. Then SOMETHING is wrong, because just from talking to you here, that is not your nature as you say..
Im sure you do need a good cry, but a cry is one thing the thoughts you are having is something totally differant. So please if you continue to have these thoughts and cannot pull yourself out of this depression, Please seek medical help and do not iginore this..:angel:

[ihurttoo]

I am so sorry that you have been having such a rough patch! But, I completely agree with everything Ronda said. As she said, our meds can do some odd things and can have all kinds of interactions and side effects. You know and we know that this is not your nature. I am glad your Dr. increased the dose of your antidepressant. Hopefully, it will start to work quickly.

Meanwhile, PLEASE, PLEASE, let your family and Dr. know that you are having these thoughts. Someone needs to be with you round the clock until your medicine kicks in, and your Dr. may need to hospitalize you for a few days until they get your meds sorted out, figure out if indeed there are interactions responsible for this, and until the theraputic dose of antidepressants kick-in.

This is a chemical imbalance, and there is nothing to be ashamed of in seeking help. It is a medical condition that needs treatment, just like your IC, or like diabetes, or anything else.

I dont know if you told your Dr. those thoughts or not while you were there, but if not, a call back is DEFINATELY warrented, (yes, even in the middle of the night!) They always tell you to call back if there is a change in your condition, and this is a change (unless you just didnt give this info while you were there.)

Lastly, I want you to know that you are VERY valuable to everyone here and very cared about. We all love you and I know that you have family and friends in "real life" that do too. I know that you have posted to me many times and helped me through some difficult times and said the right thing at the right time. You have done that for countless others here as well. Your life has meaning, as does every life here. You are very needed!!! Please get the help you need so you can get thru this. We will be here to help you every step of the way! You have already taken the first 2 steps....recognizing that you are depressed, then going to the Dr. Now, you only have 2 more to go! Letting your family know how to help you (to come watch you right now), and then calling your Dr! You can do it!

Please post again as soon as you can. We want to hear from you! We will all be very worried until we hear from you. We love and care about you very much. You are our family. You are our sister in IC. Please take care of yourself for your own sake and for ours.

Love and hugs,
Amy

[BBB]

:pray::pray:

I am so sorry you are feeling poorly. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I haven't been on the network for very long but I do recall your postings and you are always very positive, cheerful and understanding. Your writing is beautiful.

Makes me think it might be the medicine. Have you tried to contact the Doctor? If not can you call your pharmacist and see if there are any medication interactons? How about Googling for information? Maybe hormones? Are you getting enough sleep?

When I can't seem to get out of a "funk" I watch old funny movies or silly, dumb movies or TV shows. It helps me not to take myself so seriously.

Sleep well, maybe the sun will come out tomorrow?
Betsy

[born2swim]

Ronda and Amy,

Thank you guys for responding so quickly! The move was the best thing for me, but yes, having family here would be helpful. Carolyn gave me a call and we talked about things and I figure I would see how things go over the next couple of days and go from there. When I saw my internist, I had not had these thoughts. Yesterday, I had a thought that I got in a terrible car accident (ICU and all) but survived. I'll see how tomorrow goes and if there is a problem, I will call my internist back. She wanted to see me in a month, but she said that I can always call her if I need something. So... I'll just see if it was just a bad weekend or if it turns into a terrible week...

Thanks again! I think I am going to go to bed now and hope tomorrow is a better day.

[born2swim]

:pray::pray:

I am so sorry you are feeling poorly. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I haven't been on the network for very long but I do recall your postings and you are always very positive, cheerful and understanding. Your writing is beautiful.

Makes me think it might be the medicine. Have you tried to contact the Doctor? If not can you call your pharmacist and see if there are any medication interactons? How about Googling for information? Maybe hormones? Are you getting enough sleep?

When I can't seem to get out of a "funk" I watch old funny movies or silly, dumb movies or TV shows. It helps me not to take myself so seriously.

Sleep well, maybe the sun will come out tomorrow?
Betsy



Thanks Betsy! You guys are really sweet to say that my posts are helpful and cheerful. I don't always feel cheerful, but I never felt this down before...

I didn't have these thoughts until after I saw my internist today and it really freaked me out. I will see how this week goes and if the days keep getting worse (or if really bad tomorrow), then I will get help... however they treat this problem...

[ihurttoo]

Alyssa,

I really, really wish you'd call the Dr. back right now and tell her what you told us. (It isnt too late to call, and she'd WANT to be called for this!) Even though you wouldnt act on it, THINKING it is still a problem. (I have been hospitalized until they got my meds straighted out for thinking the exact thoughts you have, though at that time, I wouldnt have acted on it either (and didnt then). It is THAT important!

Also, another of our IC sisters you know VERY well, was hospitalized this past week for thinking what you are thinking, even though SHE would never, ever act on it. They still needed to watch her and get her meds stabilized b/c it is the meds and the interactions that is the medical emergency, even if you acted or not. (Does that make sense?) But, I am not the Dr, so please call yours! If she says it is okay to stay home and see if the med kicks in, then so be it. (I will admit I am wrong.) But, I just dont think I am right now. And my love for you and concern for you is what is making me press this. SO, PLEASE CALL!

Love,
Amy

[curlycue]

:pray::pray::pray::pray::pray: I went through a period of sadness and all I did was Pray, it helped me so much. I did not relize it then but as I look at my life then and now boy did it help me. :pray::pray:

[ihurttoo]

I see you are offline now. I hope that you called. But, if not, then hopefully, you are sleeping, and as you said, hopefully when you wake up, things will look much better tomorrow, (well, I guess that's today now!) (Especially since your new dose will have had a bit longer to work.)
But, dont get discouraged if you arent all the way there yet in the morning. I know when my antidepressant dose has been adjusted, it usually takes anywhere from 4 days to sometimes 2 weeks before I see a change. (Though depending on how far they have taken it up, once or twice, I have seen results within a day or two. I am praying that you will have the same kind of response.

But, if you dont, then I hope you call a friend over to support you, and call your Dr. 'Kay? But, do check in with us today to let us know how you are feeling. We all care about you and want to know you are okay. (I know it is corny, but you know that Barry Manilow song, "I Cant Smile Without You"? Well, there's this verse that goes, "You know I feel sad when your'e sad, I feel glad when you're glad"....well, that about sums up how I feel! I guess I am just too sensitive, but others pain is palpable to me, and I can feel yours right now. So, you gotta fix this for us, so we can get to feeling better, okay? :) :kissing:

So, you get some rest tonite and I will check in on you tomorrow. It is 1 am here and I am not doing you any good, sitting here reading your post over and over, when your either gone to bed or to the Dr.! So, I am gonna go to bed and pray, and turn you (and a few others here) over to God and let him take the night shift. But, in the daytime, I'll be back on duty with him, and I'll be looking for you to see if you're okay! :hugs:

Love and hugs,
Amy

[born2swim]

Hi Amy!

I did go to bed right after I got off the computer. I got up early did some stuff around my apartment and went to class (5 hours of class today). So, I had enough to keep my mind occupied today. I am doing better overall, but still a bit blue. I'm not having those scary thoughts today, but I will certainly keep an eye on it. If it happens again, I will call my doctor back and let her know what is going on. I just didn't want to give up on Tofranil if it may help down the road. I didn't want to blame my meds on it, but I have never felt that low in my life before. I am still sad, but proportional to my situation. I have enough to do tonight (and the rest of the week) that I should be able to keep myself and my mind busy. But trust me, if things get worse or as bad as yesterday, I will call my doctor.

Thank you so much for your support! I really needed it yesterday!

[ihurttoo]

Thank you for writing back today! I have been coming online off and on all day today, looking for you. I am glad that you are okay. I was (and still am) really worried about you. (What's the saying, "It takes one to know one!") Well, THAT'S why I worry, I guess, coupled with the fact that I care deeply about you.

I am glad that you were occupied today and tonite and hope that with each passing day, you will be seeing a difference as the med increase gets into your system. (I really DO think that this will happen soon!) But, at least now you have a back-up plan, just in case it doesnt or if those thoughts come back.

We all love you here and want to know that you are okay, so please write here daily, (even if it is nothing more than clicking on one of the emoticons), just so I/we will know that you are okay.) Obviously, if time permits, and you feel like writing more, I/we would love to hear more from you! But, if nothing else, AT LEAST do that for us, okay? You are THAT important to all of us!

You can pm me anytime, and if you want to talk, and I will give you my numbers. (Or, if I am not online, and you want to talk, you know Carolyn and Brigette have my numbers too, (and heck, probobly about 29,000 of the 30,000 people here! LOL!) So, feel free to ask them for it too. Anyway, if you are up in the middle of the night and hit a crying jag, DO NOT sit there crying by yourself! My phone is by my bed and you can call me ANYTIME (even if it is 2am, my friends here will attest to this!) and not worry about it bothering me, b/c I would WANT to talk to you! Do you understand?! (And dont worry about waking up anyone else. My husband sleeps on the other side of the house b/c of my noctural bathroom visits (they keep him up). So, I keep his phone turned off, in case someone needs me in the middle of the night and needs to talk to someone. (After all, there just arent that many people that most people can call at 2am, ya know?) So, now, you have someone you can call, 24 hours a day. Okay? And I mean it!

I hope things get better very soon. You hang in there. I am still praying very hard for you, and I know things will look much different in a week or two when the meds kick in and God works his wonders too.

Love and hugs,
Your IC sister,
Amy

[born2swim]

Amy,

I did get your phone number(s)! I appreciate your offering your support! I am doing alright today. I am tired and sad (eyes puffy from crying so much yesterday), but I am doing ok. Going to class cheered me up (I am taking some med school classes and 2 of my favorite subjects started today: anatomy and physiology). I was such a geek and went through each lab assignment, getting so excited for cadaver lab! I guess you can tell I want to be a surgeon! So... I am definately better today and I did tell my dad the thoughts I had yesterday and how much I cried. I told him if I sound like I did yesterday to not sit around and cry but to call my doctor instead. So, I have someone watching out for me. I will be in class for 7 hours tomorrow, so another day to keep my mind off my bladder and on productive things. Before my bladder, I would use exercise as an "outlet for my frustration/anger/sadness" but my bladder won't let me use exercise to cope with all that. I miss exercise more than anything to be honest. I can't even handle walking very far to class without feeling my bladder too much. I also have issues with drinking enough. Sometimes I can't bare the thought of drinking because I know what water will do to me. I can't allow that many bathroom breaks while at school, so I don't really drink much. I hate it, but that is the only way I can function in life... to dehydrate myself. I wish something would help my bladder. My uro has suggested botox to me, but he is concerned that it will give me retention and since cath's hurt tremendously (even pediatric ones), we are very reluctant to try botox injections. Why is my bladder so stubborn???:hmm:

[leelee88]

Alyssa,
I am glad you are doing a little better and you did tell your dad.. ((((hugs)))
If you ever need to talk just PM me..

[ihurttoo]

Glad you came back on and got the pm with my numbers! (I sent it after my post). I am also glad you told your Dad so he can watch out for you too.

You DO sound in better spirits tonite, (though I know you still have a ways to go!) But, I am glad you had such an exciting day at school! I would LOVE to study what you are studying!!! I hope you learn enough to cure us all! :)

I DO think you are going to get over this hump and get to feeling better. But, you need to talk to your Dr. about finding a med for you for the freq. (There are so many, if one doesnt help, then pls try a different one.) But, as a pre-med student, you KNOW that not drinking is not the right answer! :tsk: Our bodies need water for so many things, (to help wash out impurities, help our tissues, immune systems, to help flush out toxins, to restore the right mineral balance, etc) And not drinking can make you sick all on it's own! So it is imperative that you find something that helps you with the freq so you will start drinking again. Pls research this and talk to your Dr.

Write us back again tomorrow (and daily) until we know you are out of the woods, so to speak. We all want to hear from you! And, of course, now that you know how to reach me, call me day or night if you need to talk!

Many hugs,
Amy

[Bessie]

Once again another, sweet. kind, and compassionate post from our angel :angel:Amy!!!

She is the best!!
Love,
Laura

[ihurttoo]

Once again another, sweet. kind, and compassionate post from our angel :angel:Amy!!!

She is the best!!
Love,
Laura

Aww! Thanks, Laura! BTW, I havent forgotten about you! I still plan on calling you too, Laura and pming you back! But, my pm box is full right now and I cant delete anything in there at the moment cause I'm still working on stuff for different people! Go look at my post from a few days ago in Deb's Gratitude Jouranal and you can see why I got too busy to call you back yet. Plus, I went BACK into the Lupus flare again, and Collin got sick AGAIN, this time with a bacterial infection, (had pink eye last week and fractured his tail bone, now the infection worsened and fever spiked to 103 today and he's vomiting. Dr. put him on abx. I think I am getting it too! :( This is BAD! Since I was hospitalized 2 weeks ago following 3 failed courses of outpatient abx, and I am in a major Lupus Flare!!! So, pls dont think I am ignoring you or dont care! I just have a bit more than I can say grace over at this moment! But, I promise, as soon as I can see daylight again, you are the FIRST one I am callling myself! I want to know all about YOU and how you are doing after your surgery!

Sorry Alyssa, didnt mean to side track your thread there! I just wanted to tell Laura that b/c I have been oweing her a phone call for a few weeks and a pm for a several days, and (as you can see) havent been able to get to it, for obvious reasons. But, I couldnt pm her and tell her since my box is full, but I couldnt clean the box out either! So, pls dont let me detract from your thread b/c this is TOO important!

Love and hugs to both of you and to all!
Amy



CARRY ON! :)

[Berkshire Road]

Alyssa, have you tried meditation or relaxation therapy? Like you, I've been a long distance swimmer for most of my life, so I know how it is to leave stress in the pool (my daughter once described it as, "feeling lighter when you get out of the water than when you went in."). But when I do some relaxation therapy, even just turn the light out and listen to my favorite music, I can sometimes get in a similar kind of zone. And it helps. It does not help if I'm thinking, "I should really be out walking," or, "Damn, I want to be in the pool right now," but if I can clear my mind out, it's great.

[Bessie]

I look forward to talking to you Amy. I completely understand :smile tee Please don't worry about anything o.k.??

Alyssa,
How are you doing today? I have been praying for you and if you ever want to talk feel free to pm me o.k. :hi:

[born2swim]

Alyssa, have you tried meditation or relaxation therapy? Like you, I've been a long distance swimmer for most of my life, so I know how it is to leave stress in the pool (my daughter once described it as, "feeling lighter when you get out of the water than when you went in."). But when I do some relaxation therapy, even just turn the light out and listen to my favorite music, I can sometimes get in a similar kind of zone. And it helps. It does not help if I'm thinking, "I should really be out walking," or, "Damn, I want to be in the pool right now," but if I can clear my mind out, it's great.

Well... In the past I have tried things like yoga or meditation and things like that. Generally I found that it made me more tense because it was too slow. I would get bored so easily and then when I was done, I would be so mad that I "waisted time". So, when I started to run, it was amazing to me how my worries disappeared, my anger and frustration would dissolve, etc. It really was my therapy for all that vile emotional baggage that I'm carrying around. I could give it another shot, but I wouldn't want to upset myself at this time!

[born2swim]

Aww! Thanks, Laura! BTW, I havent forgotten about you! I still plan on calling you too, Laura and pming you back! But, my pm box is full right now and I cant delete anything in there at the moment cause I'm still working on stuff for different people! Go look at my post from a few days ago in Deb's Gratitude Jouranal and you can see why I got too busy to call you back yet. Plus, I went BACK into the Lupus flare again, and Collin got sick AGAIN, this time with a bacterial infection, (had pink eye last week and fractured his tail bone, now the infection worsened and fever spiked to 103 today and he's vomiting. Dr. put him on abx. I think I am getting it too! :( This is BAD! Since I was hospitalized 2 weeks ago following 3 failed courses of outpatient abx, and I am in a major Lupus Flare!!! So, pls dont think I am ignoring you or dont care! I just have a bit more than I can say grace over at this moment! But, I promise, as soon as I can see daylight again, you are the FIRST one I am callling myself! I want to know all about YOU and how you are doing after your surgery!

Sorry Alyssa, didnt mean to side track your thread there! I just wanted to tell Laura that b/c I have been oweing her a phone call for a few weeks and a pm for a several days, and (as you can see) havent been able to get to it, for obvious reasons. But, I couldnt pm her and tell her since my box is full, but I couldnt clean the box out either! So, pls dont let me detract from your thread b/c this is TOO important!

Love and hugs to both of you and to all!
Amy



CARRY ON! :)


Amy! I didn't realize just how much you have going on yourself! You are such a wodnerful person to worry about someone like me when your plate is clearly full as well! Thank you again for all your support! I am doing alright today. I am so much school work that I can't really think about anything else. Even when I leaked today walking to class (I had to park too far and the walk was too much for my bladder), I didn't let it get the best of me. I had too much to do and tried to ignore the damp undies the rest of the day. Thank you again for your support! I will keep your number and if I slip into another one of those really bad days, I will give you a call!

[born2swim]

I look forward to talking to you Amy. I completely understand :smile tee Please don't worry about anything o.k.??

Alyssa,
How are you doing today? I have been praying for you and if you ever want to talk feel free to pm me o.k. :hi:

Hey! I am doing alright! I am very busy with school, so that does help to keep my mind of the bladder trouble. I even leaked today (and not a few drips like normal). I had damp undies all 7 hours of class today and I did alright. I was just afraid I smelled like urine. So... I'm doing ok. I did get to take a nap, so my studying is starting MUCH later than I wanted! Gotta go and do that! Thanks for thinking of me!!!

[Bessie]

I went through that for awhile at one time. I would have this annoying little bitty leakage but it would be damp and have that funky smell. It was embarrasing. I would use Always pantyliners and would spray perfume on my pants in that are and it helped with that issue. After I had surgery for adhesions it went away and I have not had that happen again. You might want to see your doctor about it. I know how annoying it can be. Hang in there :hi:

[ihurttoo]

Amy! I didn't realize just how much you have going on yourself! You are such a wodnerful person to worry about someone like me when your plate is clearly full as well! Thank you again for all your support! I am doing alright today. I am so much school work that I can't really think about anything else. Even when I leaked today walking to class (I had to park too far and the walk was too much for my bladder), I didn't let it get the best of me. I had too much to do and tried to ignore the damp undies the rest of the day. Thank you again for your support! I will keep your number and if I slip into another one of those really bad days, I will give you a call!

Dear Alyssa,

Don't you DARE think about ME being busy or sick for a minute if you need me! I am getting better, I really am! I am feeling better every day. I went to the Dr. today, in fact, and got a whole new boat load of meds and they are helping and Collin is feeling better, and BELIEVE me! That kid is GOING back to school tomorrow!!!!!! :) :woohoo: ( We need an icon doing cartwheels! He was home with me sick 1 day last week for Election day, sick with pink eye 2 days, 1 day with the tailbone, then, 2 days this week with the throwing-up/bacterial infection. His fever is now gone (Praise the Lord!!!) and he is GOING back tomorrow if I have to push/pull/drag him there!!! (Kind of like those used cars sales they have where they tell you to bring in your old trade and "push/pull or drag it in" well that's what I am doing with him tomorrow with school!!! (Does that sound awful? :rolleyes: I am sure it does! But God help me, I love him, but I am weary of him! And it is their turn! :)

But, as for YOU and anyone else here (or elsewhere in the world) who needs ME!!! I am NOT weary of YOU! You can (and SHOULD) call me ANYTIME (day or night if you need me or just want someone to talk to, just as I told you before. Nothing has changed for you. Just pretend you didnt see that post to Laura (Octoberfarm.) But, being too busy to call someone, is quite different from being to busy to accept the phone call when someone calls me. (This wont make sense to very many people on here, but just take my word for it, and try me, that's all I can tell you. And Laura, you can do the same!) If you guys want to call me, or if you need me, I promise I will answer, b/c I wont know if you NEED me or not! So, I will I answer! That's why I answer when EVERYONE calls! I dont ever screen out anyones phone calls. (Ask anybody that ever calls me!) When I am home...I answer. I didnt even have caller ID or an answering machine until 2 weeks ago! (This was a sore spot among Carolyn, Kara, and Brigette. They were quite irritated about this and thought I was a hick! So, I broke down and got it so they'd get off my back! :) But, I didnt need it cause I answered for everyone! So, THAT'S what I mean!

But, getting time to CALL OUT myself, well....that's entirely different! That's where the full plate comes in! So, yes, I am busy. Yes, I am still sick. But, I AM getting better EVERY day! But, NOTHING makes me feel better than helping somebody else (or thinking there's a chance I[/I] could've with whatever I thing I said to them, and that is the honest truth! But, by the same token, nothing makes me feel worse than to know that there is someone out there that I could've helped and I KNEW about them, or they about about me, and I didnt help them, or they didnt ask me for help b/c they didnt think I would help them! But, this makes me feel particularly low, when that person is someone I care about or someone I love. (And if YOU didnt call when YOU needed to, then YOU would be that person that would make me feel low!

Now do you understand?

I am sure almost everyone here can relate, (as can you. So pls call me if you need to! Okay! (It ought to be obvious by now that I cant help but worry. I cant help it. I am a mother. (Even though I probobly seem like a bad one at the moment! I assure you even though I am writing this tonite, by tomorrow morning when it is time for him to leave, I will probobly be keeping him home again "just one more day"....."just to be safe". Just because that's what mothers do, no matter HOW tired we get or HOW excited we are at the PROSPECT of unloading them after being with them for 5 days after they have worried the fool out of us whining being sick! We still want to watch em "just to be sure". I guess b/c we are all neurotic nuts at heart that love our babies and are overprotective and worry, and want what's best for them!

Well, that same "Mama" in me that's the "neurotic nut" that is worried about my own baby is also worried about another Mother's child and makes me want to "mother" you! Can you understand that? I hope so! I hope that this isnt one of those things that you need to be a mother to understand. (I dont think it is.)

Anyway, THAT'S the OTHER reason I want you to stay in touch with me if you need me. OKAY? I mean really....OKAY?!!! So, please tell me that you will call if you need to, and I will leave you alone. :) (I was feeling okay that you would until you wrote the above. I know you meant well, but now, ya gotta reassure me all over again that you really WILL call me if you need me :)) So, do THAT, and I promise, I will leave you alone! :) :kissing:

Sending much love and many hugs,
Amy

[born2swim]

Amy, I'm sorry you thought I wouldn't call if I needed you! I was just amazed at how caring and devoted to someone else's problem when you have so much going on yourself! Trust me, if I reach a moment like I did the other day, I will not hesitate to call, day or night. It was a scary feeling and I would not want to go through that alone again! I have been doing alright with school keeping me busy. I have a couple people coming over to study tonight so I will be very busy today making sure I cover all the material we're studying before they get here!

Thank you again for offering to be there for me. I really will call if have another really bad day! Since classes started, I haven't had one of those yet. I see my urologist next week and talk more about my bladder. He's considering botox and that scares me. I do not do well being cath'ed and if I get retention, it could be a few days, a few weeks, or months that I have to cath myself. My urethra can't handle that! So... we'll see what he has to say next week...

[born2swim]

Amy,

I just wanted to let you know that I am doing alright. My internist did up my Lexapro and that seems to be helping me fight the tears. I haven't had any more scary thoughts, but I am still pretty down right now. I see my urologist on Wednesday and we are running out of things to try...

I have school to occupy my time, but unfortunatly, I do need naps to get by... and it will be harder to nap as the block progresses. I have a feeling the meds I am on make me really tired (which they want to happen at night so I can hopefully sleep better).

Well... just wanted to let you know that I am doing alright. Carolyn called me today to check up on me. You guys are so sweet! Thank you for all your help!

[leelee88]

I am glad you are not as depressed, I have been keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.. If you ever need anything just let me know..((((hugs))))

[karen10]

Alyssa,
So sorry to hear you were having such a rough time! There is such great support here!! I also want to add that as a counselor that works a lot with depression and chronic illness, I see that when people are feeling bad, they tend to do what is very common among all, and that is "catastrophize," meaning just how it sounds, we make our current situation into something bigger. That "bigger" for chronic stuff is usually 1) we will NEVER get better, and 2) it might get worse, and 3) what if we can't handle it? Try to just stay in the moment and not let your mind go beyond that moment, and instead tell yourself (and sometimes we have to say it out loud, and say it even if we don't believe it at first), that you will get better, that this is just a bad period for you RIGHT NOW. It sounds so simple, but it works if you keep doing it. DO NOT allow those thoughts to progress into thinking this is a future condition for you. Quite honestly, you don't know, people go into remission all the time, so it's very plausible. Believe that you will be one of them! :smile tee There are many studies on the power of our thoughts in managing physical symptoms. If you've ever done a ropes course, you can relate, it's like walking on a rope (with a harness on your back) that's 20ft up. If you look down, it gets overwhelming, but if you keep your eyes ahead and focus on one step at a time, you can make it to the end! It was about 12 years ago for me, but I still remember the feeling when I looked down! :dizzy:

Check out the site for the Bay Area Pain and Wellness Center. They have some great articles on this topic.

Hang in there, you are a survivor, and this definitely isn't easy. But definitely check back with your doctor if you feel the same or worse after a few days.