Does anybody want to buy a slightly used teenager

[cia]

A few weeks ago I went away for the weekend. I left my ex-husband in charge of our 15 year old. He apparently went to a party a few towns away and told her he would call when he was on his way back to my house. Fair warning, right. So she has a little party, in my house, with five or six (I can't get a straight answer) of her closest friends. She locks my poor dog in my bedroom, and she and her friends play beer pong (whatever that is) in my kitchen. The neighbors called the police, so there must have been noise somewhere. The police show up and all but 3, 18 year old, boys ran out the back door. They let the boys go and arrested my daughter. They called me at my out of state location and told me that I have to come home, that they are taking my dog, and my daughter, and that they are calling DSS on me and filing a neglect claim. I told the police that my ex had her for the weekend and that I would call him and he would come and get her. The police responded that I was her guardian and that I was responsible. He didn't seem to listen when I explained the court ordered weekend visitation and shared legal custody. My request to contact my ex was reworded to DSS as my refusal to return home to care for my daughter. I finally got a friend to take custody of my daughter and my ex arrived at my house shortly after the police left. My friend then went to find her own daughter who was one of the kids that ran out the back door when the police arrived. DSS came and interviewed myself and my ex at my home. She seemed to understand our daughters unwillingness to stay at her fathers because it is one of the last places she spent time with her sister before she was killed three years ago. I guess she had some nightmares when she did stay there, so since that time he has stayed on my sofa whenever I go away. This "party" also took place on the first weekend following my oldest daughters memorial date, so there may have been a little acting out because of her circumstance as well. DSS felt that since my daughter had never been in any kind of trouble that it was a bit harsh for the police to put her through an arrest and court appearance and all the horrors that go along with that. They suggested that I speak to the Sargent that was in charge. Now since I work for the police department, this didn't seem like too great a challenge. I left two voice mails and received no return calls. DSS felt that since a week had gone by and I hadn't received a summons that there probably wouldn't be one. Wrong again. I called DSS to let them know that we had received the summons for October 23rd and also reminded the case worker that I still had not received the DSS report. I know DSS appears to be on my daughters side, but I just don't trust them until I see the report. Additionally, since the woman that killed my older daughter got off scott free neither myself or my daughter have any confidence in the justice system. I know my daughter made a HUGE mistake, I would like to think she will learn something from it. I have grounded her and dropped an hour off her curfew until she turns 16. I also know that this is a phase that at least 50% of the kids her age in my area go through. The stress of this whole situation is killing me. I had to cut my hours at work, so now finances will be strained. I am carrying so much tension in my shoulders that my Chiropractor (who is very anti-drug) is recommending that I take at least two Valium a day in order to stop throwing my neck out of alignment. My bladder is killing me from the stress and I am really having trouble coping. When I saw the psychiatrist for a med check last week I expected we would talk about how I did for my older daughters third year memorial, instead I just cried the whole time. This kid is all I have left in this world. And my ex husband, jerk that he is, is her only father. I am so angry with her and so scared for her at the same time. Any advice would be helpful. Otherwise thanks for letting me vent.

[Zygala87]

Hello CIA. I haven't read a post that was more emotional draining then yours. To lose one Daughter them to have this problem with your other Daughter is heart-breaking. She has sure had a lot happen to her for such a young person. Broken family, death of her Sister. Mom VERY ill. I believe as she grows older these terrible things will make her a strong person. My Granddaughter was the "kid from hell" We could not even take her into a McDonalds as her behavior was so bad. We just kept telling her we knew she was special and zoned in on her good points. Today she is in collage doing very well and has the most confidence I have ever seen in a 20 year old. Please believe things with your Daughter will get better and do let her suffer her own mistakes. Validate her feelings and let her vent. She will be your best friend and greatest blessing some day soon. God bless you and help you. Email me any time you wish. I may not be able to help but I sure care for you both. nanaone@roadrunner.com Ziggy

[tigger_gal]

I am at a lost for words, and cannot offer any advise on ths as it may be wrong... However am sending you big hugs and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.. I am also dealing with dhs, it seems that they just don't seem to get the nfo they need at the time it is needed,

[SharonA]

I am so sorry that you are going through so much, right now. Sending you some gentle (((hugs))) and hopes that things get easier.

[ICNDonna]

I'm thinking this will be a very good lesson for your daughter. Now if you could just find a way to teach her father a lesson...... Hang in there; she will be okay.

Sending gentle hugs,
Donna

[cia]

Thanks guys. Its scary to note that when I got the summons for a court date nearly a month away my first thought was " do they have any idea how much this waiting is going to kill my bladder". Since the chiro told me not to let the stress get in front of me, I have given myself permission to take the valium. This seems to cut down on my bladders involvement. Isn't that ridiculous. I appreciate your thoughts. When I looked at the post I said "it's to long, no one will even read it" but I did need to vent, so I let it go anyway. Thanks for your support and understanding. I raised this kid to believe that shut up was a bad word, and crap was a swear, I tried to balance without suffocating her. I really don't know where this is coming from.

[RobinD]

I am so sorry for the pain and worry you are going thru right now. Take my advice as just from another mom that has raised 4 kids. Your daughter is at a crucial place in her life. She has been thru several traumas and is only 15, maybe she needs to talk to a counselor and/or a grief crisis counselor. When my daughter was 16, we had some serious problems and we had to force her to talk with a social worker friend of ours, that we also went to church with. It helped her so much. She didn't want to do it, but the counselors can really help get them through these teenage years.
Do you have a church that offers counselors? The reason I am suggesting a church is because I really don't trust just any counselors. Alot of them have too many liberal beliefs that I don't agree with. We raised our kids in a Christian home with a Christian belief based church and we didn't want an adult giving them poor advice that went against our moral character that we were trying to raise them with.
I do want you to know that I will be praying :pray: for you and your family. I heard Dr Dobson say about raising teenagers to "just get them through it" Don't ever give up on them. You will still need to punish and hold them accountable for their actions, but you still must display an unconditional love to them and forgive them. One thing I remember I told my daughter when we were grounding her, that this was for her own protection and safety. Anyway, sorry I rambled on and on, but this is just my opinion.

Sending hugs your way:grouphug:
Robin

[Berkshire Road]

I'm so sorry for all that you and your daughter have been through. Perhaps this will be the low point, and things will begin to improve from here.

I wish you both peace.

[sickofmybladder]

I'm so sorry you are going through this - I do understand - my daughter (who is now almost 20 :help: ) still can't seem to get it together and it all started when her father died when she was 17 - counseling and meds helped alot initially but now that she is an "adult" (yeah right - don't get me started - she still lives in my house, eats my food, can't fill out doc forms without calling me - but she's and adult :cussing: ) I can't "force" her into receiving medical care nor are they allowed to discuss anything with me unless she signs off - needless to say - she "thinks" she's fine and stopped all treatment. My only advice (from first hand experience) is - all we can do is guide - provide reasonable consequences - and be there to "help" pick up the pieces.

I do agree that she would probably benefit from some counseling (whatever form you are comfortable with) and the younger you can get her in - the better outcome you might experience. It's so hard to be a teenager now and when they have to deal with tragedy it only confuses their world more - I will be thinking of you both.

[katjonez]

Hi Cia,
I'm so sorry for all that you are going through. I have lost many people in my life. I was widowed at 23 with a 2 year old son to raise on my own. I did not know about hospis at that time. Years later when my mother passed at 58 !!
I had remarried and had another son with wonderful man, anyway during that 4 year period we lost 3 great grandmothers one grandmother (my mom) A aunti that was very close and 2 very close friends !!! it seemed like it would never end. After my grandmother passed (with hospis) I took my younger son and myself to a support group - class for kids that have lost someone close. It was a 8 week course and it really helped my son, and me. I have gone in for help many times. We all need it sometime. When my oldest son was about your daughters age he started acting out also. We were very worried about him. So we all went in for family therapy and he had time alone with a GREAT therapist.

By the way, my son (the oldest) is doing so well now at 24 !! So is the younger. He is on his way at 19. I know that if or when they need help later in their life they will know how to and they will be willing to ask for help.
If your daughter is not willing to go alone for help maybe if you go with her??

on another note: for myself, I do not believe in death. I know that my late husband is still with us. I believe that he sent my second husband to us. I feel his presence and my mother and fathers also. I have experienced some things that have proven to me that "death" is not the end, it is a new beginning in a new realm of existence.


Bless you all and I hope things start to get better soon:grouphug:

[leelee88]

Cia,

Geesh, Kids and the law and OCS, DHS , I am right there with you!!

I cannot imagine what you are going through with loosing a child, my heart goes out to you.
I have two boys one 17 and one 14. The 17 year old is the one who I am having problems with. He seems to have his moments to and I have related it to him loosing his father a few years back. But also I have learned with that even though he has struggled with such a devastating loss I cannot let him get away with his mischievious behavior, because it will only get worse. I know this, because I wish years ago I would have put my foot down when the the small parties started happeneing. I always got him out of trouble and now I am paying the price. I used him loosing his father as an excuse and would justify his actions by that. I know your daughter is suffering, She lost something very very dear to her. But please take it from someone who has been there.. Be there for her but dont justify her wrong doings..

My son now at 17 has 2 counts of Felony charges against him and is fighting for his life daily. He swears if he has to do time he will not make it, that he will take his life. Just like his dad did.
My heart goes out to you. If you would like to chat please PM me. I would love to talk to you and help you through this..(((((hugs))))):pray:

[dg2901]

Without going into detail, know that I can relate to what you're currently dealing with. Like mentioned, dont make excuses as to why your daughter may be acting out. The fact is that she did something that she shouldnt have, got caught and now has to face the consequences.
Parents dont want to see their kids going through hard times--sometimes though its the only way they'll learn.

Try your best to keep your stress level as low as possible, even if means resorting to medication. FYI--I had to approach my Dr recently and ask for something to help me through the situation my son is currently facing. I just couldnt do it alone anymore.
Know that this will all work itself out and soon it'll be but a memory.

Hang in there!.....:angel:
Diana

[Charisse]

Your story sounds all too similar to my own! I am guardian to my 16 year old brother. We went to Europe 2 weeks ago and left him with my inlaws. He tried to throw a party at our house. My inlaws decided to drive by and check on the house (he was supposed to be staying overnight with a friend) and they discovered a house full of smoking and drinking teenagers. They also ran around the back and out the side gate! I am just thankful my inlaws caught it early before it got out of control. I could have gotten in big trouble. I am still very angry with him about this. My brother went as far as moving all our furniture and pics off the walls into our bedroom. My inlaws waited for 2 hours while he moved it all back. I wish they would have taken photos. They said it was unbelieveable the amount of stuff he'd stacked in our bedroom. Maybe you should take the Valium like your chiro suggests and give yourself a couple of weeks to relax. I don't know what DSS is and the laws are different in every state so I'm not sure what kind of legal advice from me would be any good but I am thinking of you and just know you're not the only one!

[cia]

At the time of my divorce I took both of my daughters to family counseling with me. I also had my minister heavily involved with my older daughter because she was about to be confirmed and she was having a very difficult time with the divorce. ( I am a Missouri Synod Lutheran and there aren't many of us in these parts, so there are not a lot of resources for me at my church. My older daughter was my parents 30th grandchild and was the first to be confirmed Lutheran when she was 13) Frankly, I would be embarrassed if my new minister found out about the arrest, probably because my daughter has a terrible crush on his son. This works for me because it helps get her up for church on Sunday mornings. My daughter has been in weekly therapy since her sister was killed, although we did slack off for the summer with vacations and all. Her therapist tells me that she still really won't open up about what happened. The therapist is insisting that my ex bring my daughter to her next appointment, so she can talk to him in person, that should be interesting. I have done everything in my power to make sure that my daughter receives no special treatment because of her circumstance. Of course my ex disagrees. He was caught going 120 in a 55 zone on his motorcycle and thought the local cop should have cut him some slack because of what he has been through. This must be where my daughter gets it. I on the other hand try my best to paint on my smiley face even though life has handed me lemons and my bladder will not tolerate lemonade. I never have and never will expect anything to be handed to me without me busting my butt for it. This brings forth the humorous thought of the Department of Social Services interviewing my daughter on a neglect claim while she sits there in her $70 BEBE sweatshirt. (I could have killed her when she bought it but she works and used her own money, I did express dismay and told her she would need to wear it every day for the rest of her life to justify the price) I am surprised and encouraged to hear from so many people with similar stories. If I hadn't already had the worst day of my life I would think the day this nightmare started would have been it. Thank you for your prayers and support.

[Bessie]

I am so sorry that you have been through all of this. I don't really know what to say other than we are all here for you and if you ever feel the need to talk to someone please pm me......any time day or night. I will keep you and your family in my prayers :pray:
Love,
Laura