The 80-year-old virgin

[anigro07]

Is that my destiny? I just turned 34, diagnosed with vulvar vestibulitis in my early 20s, endo in my late 20s and IC last year. I've always been shy around men when not in a work situation, and I haven't had a date or a kiss since I was 18. When the pain isn't constant, I'm paralyzed by fear - the social aspects of dating, and the inevitable terrifying conversation that I may never be able to have sex. I doubt I'll ever marry, and once my parents die, I'll be completely alone.

Do I just consign myself to pain and never knowing what it might be like to fall in love? I joke about being the neighborhood spinster with cats, but it's really not a joke. I cried and cried on my birthday (not because I'm getting older), but because I have so much more life to live in this terrible condition.

I once told my doctor during a terrible flare that all I cared about was being able to sleep and earn a salary. And now I'm terrified that's really the best my life has to offer.

[ICNDonna]

One thing you might do is to check to see if there are any singles groups in your area. I met my Terry at a square dance club for single people. We continued to square dance for over 25 years before he had to have some serious back surgery and we had to stop.

Walking into that club by myself the very first time was one of the hardest thing I ever did, but I was immediately welcomed and felt very much at home there.

Donna

[amaranthe]

There is someone out there for everyone. But, Donna is right that you are going to have to put yourself out there and make yourself available. That is the hard part. But, it is easier than it used to be, since the internet came along, because now there are computer dating sites and things for people that are too shy to go out to meet someone. It is ideal also for people who are shy because when you put up a profile and photo, the only people who are going to send you responses are those who are interested in you, so that is a confidence builder. I know lots of women who have met their boyfriends and some who have met their husbands this way.

From reading your post, it sounds like a good dose of confidence would help you a whole lot, and the best way to get that, is to put yourself out there.

I wish you the best of luck and hope that you find someone soon. You deserve to find happiness and companionship and I truly think you will as soon as you put yourself out there. (If not on a dating site, then go out with girlfriends, or perhaps make it known to friends that you want to be set up on blind dates, or join a church singles group, or go to charity singles events, or singles dances, or whatever your community has to offer. The point is to takeevery opportunity to meet new people.)

Best wishes and kind regards,
Amaranthe

[Dianne]

Check out the movie The Secret or read the book. It's very powerful about how our thoughts make our fears realities. The movie covers that part too about wanting to meet someone. I would put the book to use and combine it with being places where you would be able to meet someone. I didn't get married or even have a very serious relationship til I married at 38. We'll have 15yrs. in Nov.

[kadi]

Just wanted to add that a friend of mine married at age 50 for the first time. She has severe Type I diabetes & several months before the wedding, she learned she had an acoustic neuroma (tumor in the inner ear). Everyone asked if she & her fiance wanted to call off or postpone the wedding, both of them said "H*** no! After her surgery was a hard time for them, but they have a happy life together and I've been encouraged by seeing the two of them together and how supportive her husband is of her & her health problems... They met through a singles site on the internet, by the way.

Another colleague of mine married for the first time at age 48.
And I met several women at my church who married for the first time in their mid-40s.

You're not alone! These issues are not easy, and IC does compound them. But, one thing my friend with diabetes pointed out, is that when you have your health problem before the relationship, either the guy can handle it or can't & you'll find out fairly soon. And if it doesn't work out, it doesn't have the heartbreak over a marriage collapsing under the health issue.

That gives me hope. (Now I just have to be brave enough to get out there too...)

[Jamey]

I don't know how open you are But I'm bi-sexual and it's easier for me to be with a woman. After having sex w/my boyfriend of 5 years it hurts. As soon as we're done and for 2 days after. Sometimes I have to have a "woman's touch", my bf can be gentle but full penetration hurts(he's um gifted). I know you're probably not open to this sort of thing but I had to throw it out there. You can PM me if you want to talk further about the subject.

[wombat]

Just thought i'd say don't feel alone. I'm 32 and have also feared how I can be in a relationship with the bladder pain i have. I know it is going to interfere with sex and will have to work out ways to minimise pain/flares. But can relate to the feeling of worrying about being stuck alone because the idea of a relationship seems so hard with this kind of condition.

I have worried about who is going to accept me with the symptoms i have, but i think the advice above about the guy either being able to accept it or not is a good way of looking at it, because if he accepts and values who you are as a person, then he won't leave because of something like IC. This is what I'm trying to tell myself anyway.

As I've got my symptoms more under control I've got involved in some groups with common interests and this has helped me to meet some nice people. Have met a couple of nice guys and have spent some time with one of them - got courage up to do this, and while no relationship yet I can feel some of the barriers and fears starting to break down. I've found I've had to learn to value myself and not devalue who I am because of bladder symptoms. Also found a really good counsellor/therapist. Can really recommend this if you can find someone you feel comfortable with, as can help with emotional coping skills and developing confidence.

Take care

[BBB]

I too was alone for a good part of my life, and I am 40 now. I loved my 30's. There were the best. I thought I would never get married. Since I have been married for the last 9 years I really miss being single sometimes, Popcorn for dinner, girls trips and my alonetime. My counselor used to tell me to enjoy it because I wouldn't always be single.

34 is young, it is the new 20 after all (lol). There is a difference from being alone to being lonely. I know some married women who are so very lonely. Work on being comfortable in your own skin and telling people, "I would like to find a partner and be married". Network like a job! Be open...you sound like a real sweetie!

I am proud of you for not settling for someone who is not worthy of you!

[kjd]

you are still so young at 34 and have many years a head of you to fall in love! I have vulvodyina and IC at 25 so I know what you are going through. I cant do what any normal 25 year old does which affects my confidence but things could be much worse!
Firstly you need to try to get out to meet people to boost your confidence. Making a friend would do you the world of good and its amazing how better your future can look when you have some confidence as you will feel more positive. You have so much to offer so its just a matter of time before you meet someone. Just be patient and make the effort to get out and live your life. I know your illnesses can hold you back, but they can only hold you back as much as you allow them to!

You probably have good and bad days like I do, so make the most of the bad days!

good luck x

[karen10]

Don't give up hope!! There are so many stories of people with chronic illnesses who find love. I have a good friend with Crohns disease, she was only 22 when she was diagnosed (lots of pain and hospitalizations). She had a great guy friend during this time, who turned into her boyfriend, and then her husband, and a year later they had a baby! She still has lots of painful episodes and he's so supportive! It can happen. :) I would also recommend on getting some counseling. I have found sometimes you just need a professional to help you get a new perspective on yourself! I go in for ''maintenance" work (counseling) every now and then! :smile tee

[icgirl1998]

I read your post and tears came to my eyes. I felt like I was reading about myself. I have always been shy and self conscious. The IC and IBS only add to my insecurities. I feel like who is going to want me, when I don't even want me. I hate my body in so many ways. These feelings cause me to fear intimacy. I am scared that guys won't be able to handle my sickness. I am afraid I will never be able to enjoy sex. I afraid to stay the night places because what if my IBS starts flaring up. It used to be enough to enough just to be able to get out of bed and go to work everyday but now that is all I have. I am afraid that this is all I will ever have. I will never find someone for me. I have been dealing with this disease for 11 years since I was 16 years old. It has destroyed me mentally, physically, and emotionally. I don't want to end up alone or die without having experienced how good life can be. Plus I hate cats.

[ladybug77]

I feel the same way! i also teared up reading yours and the last one posted..its crazy to think someone has the same thoughts and feelings as i do..i was with a guy who i was with before i found out about IC and had no pain, then when the pain started it became harder for the both of us..eventually he said he thought we should just be friends and didnt want to be intimate with me anymore..it was DEVASTATING:( ..it makes you feel that no one will ever want you and you hate yourself because there is no one else to hate! you feel that this disease, that we dont even know where it comes from, has ruined how the rest of your life will be! but i just tell myself that there is one person out there who will understand and will accept this just as it is..keep all your heads up..that is what keeps me going!

:grouphug:
Kris

[statesboro]

I had noticed the original thread was done something like 2 1/2 years ago. Regardless, I am a dude. Ok. I did not try to get a date at first.(for a while) Oh! I felt too lost and that it would be a real joke to try to be dating. Ok. I am 43 and not married and/or a father. (which may never change) Anyhow, I was chatting with a female online one year while taking some vacation days. Ok. I had never met a female in person that I had first met online.(until then)(more than her by now) Ok. I have not been on any chatlines in months now. (except chatting on facebook) Shedid not make me feel like a loser any. she did not make me feel like a mistake any. Oh! She does not live in Georgia any longer. I don't keep up with her any longer. Shewas just a friend. Anyway, I have been on dates since then. Yep! None have made me feel like a loser so far. (except the local one that tossed the rose in her car and never said thank you)(no more contact with her) There is one, a black female, that I eat out with sometimes. Oh! She wanted to meet me. (and found me on tagged) She does call me "sweetie", but she also says we are just friends. How about that? Ok. I am not worried about it.(nope) Besides, the IC, and whatever I deal with, kinda make me not want to be having an actual wedding. Ok. some people don't understand. I still get by. I won't be an 80 y/o virgin,by the way.(right or wrong) That will be all.

[Jamey]

but i just tell myself that there is one person out there who will understand and will accept this just as it is..keep all your heads up..that is what keeps me going!


I believe there is someone out there for everybody. I wasn't dx'ed w/anything when I met my current bf, but I've always had abdominal pain. Sex in previous relationships hurt and they all said I made them feel like they were abusing me (some were just not sexually) or they didn't want to stop once they started. When I saw Brad (my current bf) I knew I needed to know him and I'm glad I went and talked to him. He is very patient and understanding and I love him so much. He's been dx'ed with a hydrocelle in his scrotum and Is a lot more sympathetic now. I've always said stop looking and he'll come to you. This has been the case with Brad and my little girl's biological dad. Just don't ignore that "feeling" when you get it. You know, the one that makes you want to hide and watch him for hours. If you're looking too hard you won't see what's right in front of you.