Have you ever?

[BrittanysDance]

Have you ever just wanted to abandon your entire family? I mean..just walk out on them because no one listens to you no matter what you say, do, or try to talk through with them? What do you do when your husband will not back you or support you with your teenage daughter? What do you do when your teenager daughter readily admits she outright hates you and gets in your face openly and defiantly but will not do it to her father under any circumstance? What do you do when you BEG the other parent to HELP in that instance...that it is destroying your marriage because counseling, talking, and everything else has not worked (one on one, family, and couples) - yet they then gang up on you (such as last evening) and blame YOU for everything? What do you do when YOU hurt every single day, yet demands are made of you and you dont miss ONE THING that is asked of you - they can ask you to do something for them, it can be anything....and it gets done because they asked you to do it..and youre responsible - you pay all the bills because you're home all day long - mind you - not because you WANT TO BE HOME..but because you're on SSD, which they forget. So when it comes to running the house and doing everything a stay at home HEALTHLY mom and wife would do - you are doing it all the while living on pain meds and putting up with a ton of crap from everyone else. HOWEVER - when THEY SAY they are going to do something - on that rare occassion you may ask them to do something or they OFFER to do something - and then it takes them WEEKS to do it and they STILL DONT DO IT and then you REMIND them "hey..you said you were going to get that" and then they yell at YOU like you did something wrong, turns into a ***** fest and screaming match - and inevitably it all then becomes that YOU caused it all to happen, you are now the "dictator" of the house and nothing they ever do is "right in your eyes" all because THEY told you they'd do something ( and you didnt even ask them...they volunteered but its just taken weeks to do it at this point )....

I'm sorry..I"m rambling on here...I"m just so tired....I have had some terrible thoughts here about my eldest child lately. Its been ongoing for years now and at this point in time I honestly dont care any longer about her. Oh god that hurts to say that...but after years (and I do mean years...like 4) of going through this constantly...a person can only take so much. I've been sick for nearly 12, I've bent over backwards for everyone in this family yet NO ONE does for me. THen all I hear is "Sorry Mom...Sorry Honey - please dont leave us...we love you..we need you." All this from my husband..but from my eldest..its forced..he MAKES her say it and its like holding a gun to her head. I just dont have any feelings one way or another towards this child any longer. I just want her gone - in a little over a year she will be 18 and I will remove her from this house...if I make it that long. I told my husband last night I wanted out...I'm done - but we just bought a house....and I cant live on my SSD. I have no family...I have no friends. I have no place to go.

I'm lost - I'm trapped....I"m tired and I'm so beaten down at this point - sometimes I wish Gods plan for me was to remove me from this earth and just put me out of my misery. Its sad when you pray for that at night isnt it? Yes, depression takes hold and yes...I've been thru counseling MANY TIMES - but its not ME that does this...its everyone else. THEY can do no wrong in anyones eyes - its always my fault or me that causes the problems, even when later on they always come back and say "Uhm...I thought about what you said (especially my husband) - and you're right". But you know...the damange is already done at that point and after hearing that over and over again, what is the point when it never gets fixed? Mistakes are meant to be made - but you dont keep making the same ones over and over again, right?

Thanks for listening - I know I dont post much but I really needed to just type today. Sorry for burdening you all with my problems today - I feel badly about it.

Brittany.

[leelee88]

Brittany,
I know it is so hard having to deal with every day life with a family who acts like nothing is wrong with you and just expects you act normal because you look normal.

I can relate to you about the teenager, I dont think it has gotten as bad as the way you feel about your daughter, but my son acts like he could care less about me or my sickness. It hurts so much that yes sometimes I become numb to him, but I always have to remember, I am the parent no matter what age he becomes and I do love him even though he can be harsh and very mean at times. I know you say you have no feelings for her but please dig deep in your heart, and think about what you are saying.

I know this disease takes a toll on our lives and alot of our family members do not understand as long as we look ok on the outside they dont understand the pain we endure on the inside. I think this is one of the most severe case of mental abuse any of us ICers go through, I know it is for me. My mom and sisters think im crazy and I know my old URO did, and for awhile I started believing that it was all in my head. This disease it not something I would wish on anyone. So what im trying to say is your not alone..I understand, and there is a life outside of IC..You just cannot give up. You can not let it beat you down, and that is what it is doing to you.

I would strongly suggest you ask your dr about getting on something for depression, I think that is what saved me. I was in denial even though I cried every day and hated life. But the depression medicine really helped me get a hold of my life again and IC.
Now I am in control, even though I still have this awful disease it does not have me..Like I said before please if you are having these feelings of lost hope and not wanting to live, I beg of you to get some help. Life is so so precious to be thinking that way and I promise there is help out there.. PM me if you would like..Or you can even call me.. I am here for you anytime..(((((((((hugsss))))))))))

[Berkshire Road]

I think probably a lot of people -- more of us than would like to admit it -- have had similar feelings. I know when my daughter was an infant, I constantly fantasized about running off and starting over without my family. That was a case of post-partum depression, and as Ronda says, anti-depressants made a huge difference for me, too.

You say you have been in counseling. Have you had your daughter in counseling? It sounds like she may be the one who really needs it. Just from what you've said, it sounds like she has a lot of anger issues and she needs an outlet for them (besides yelling at you).

I don't know what else to say, really, except that you are not crazy and you are clearly in a bad situation. You're welcome to PM me any time, and I'd be happy to give you my phone number. Sometimes just being able to vent a little can help a lot.

I hope you can hold on. Life is precious, and it's very sad that yours has reached a point where you don't even want to be here. Please consider marital and/or family counseling, as well as individual counseling for your daughter. You all need to know what the others are thinking, why they act the way they do, what the problems are.

Any time you need to talk, I will be here. You are not alone in the world.

[BrittanysDance]

Ladies,

thank you for the responses, I appreciate them. Yes...we have ALL been through counseling and still ARE in counseling. Family, couples and individual (for daughter) and have been for years. It does absolutely no good whatsoever. This is her 4th counselor (social worker, psychiatrist AND psychologist) and she snowballs them all - they always say "but she's so sweet...we just dont see it." Uhm..Jeffrey Dahmer was sweet too..until.....

I AM on anti-depressants -thats the kicker! NOTHING matters to them - they just keep doing what they do and no matter if i sit down and cry...no matter if I talk it out rationally, or if I scream to the top of my lungs - its just no use. I've done everything EVERY counselor has asked me to do - yet they do none of it - yet when I remind them "hey...we're supposed to be doing this as a TEAM...you're not doing what so and so asked you to do...but I AM and I AM trying. I get "oh well...we dont have the problem according to the counselor...we're fine.

I've just had enough - I cant help feel like a dog thats been beaten with a stick over and over again and what happens when a dog gets beaten one too many times? They do one of 2 things...1. eventually fight back....or 2. submit to the beatings and roll over and pass away because they have no fight left in them and they submit and resign themselves to the fact.

Guess I'm the second dog because I've been fighting for years to no end and the pit bull in me just isnt there any longer and has fought its last fought at this point. Told my husband last night we will, since I have no place to go and no friends or family (not a lie...there is NO ONE...I am in this house 24/7 alone - just my immediate family, thats it) that we will live as separate people. He is free to do as he pleases - the kids are his responsibility - except my youngest son, he is my only reason for staying on this earth. If he wasnt around...I wouldnt be either, so that is my blessing, my one thing for being here, and for that I am grateful. Otherwise....we are divorced but living together as of last night.

I'm just whipped more than a person should be - and Little Miss Can Do No Wrong still got away with talking like **** to me even with him standing there and he still said nothing...right in front of me. I was standing in the doorway and she was standing behind me...and pushed past me and all I said was "You should say Excuse me next time you need to get by someone" and she said nothing..but rolled her eyes and mumbled something. So I said "What?" And she just smirked at me all the while her father is standing there - I told him..."See..thats what I'm talking about..you just let it happen" So he tells her in a really ****ty tone "Say EXCUUUUUUUUUSE me to your mother." and she says "Well...sorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry....Excuuuuuuuse me Mooooooooooooooooom."

ANd thats acceptable behavior from them? He just shook his head like I WAS THE ONE WHO DID SOMETHING WRONG THERE and I walked away bawling my eyes out..yet again.

I just dont know....

[Sally939]

I am 29 now and my mom and I laugh about it today but... My parents got devorced whe I was 17 and life at home was not great before that. I will admit I was a really big brat. Honestly, I know I was just very angry in general. What is funny is that as a child and an adult I have been very close to my mom. She has been so great to me always and helped me so much with this IC. When I have really bad days she hangs out with me and has taken over my diet (she is being a mom). As a child she would beg me to play with other people and I would say but I want to play with you. The night before I left for collage I cried. My sister told me it would be ok she was going to be living just threee miles away. I cried that wont help I will miss mom. My mom laughed and said hot d...,I knew you loved me. (She has never been very sensative, haha) My point of telling you this is I think it will get better in time with you daughter. I am not saying that it is ok for her to be a brat. And teenage girls are great at snowballing the world. If the social worker ect does not know that then they need more experience. Good luck to you and her. We all need our moms.

[ICNDonna]

My teenagers all grew out of their hormonal stages and have turned out to be friendly, caring adults. Sounds like your daughter, while her behavior is not good right now, is a normal "screaming hormone teenager!" Yes, I have had a teenager scream "I hate you" at me, but I knew it wasn't so.

Your daughter is misbehaving; there's no question about that. I don't know what's going on in your house, but I had a friend who screamed right back at her teenager, which placed her at the same level as the child. You might try thinking of it the same way you would a 3-year-old having a tantrum --- if you walk out of the room and ignore the tantrum, the tantrum usually stops pretty quickly.

Sending warm, encouraging hugs,
Donna

[leelee88]

Well like I said I can truly relate, Just this morning my son and I had a confrontation. And as Donna said I show him Im the mom I will not stoop to his level or lower.. I know you have your husband around but the way he acts you might as well say you do not, he seems like no support.

Well my kids Dad passed away a few years back and even though they have a wonderful step dad he still does not back me up, its not that he does not want to, its just the kids are older and he does not know how. Its complicated, hes a very good step dad until it comes to disipline, so I just be strong in that area and take the stand. I am the PARENT!! Just as you are. You have every right to stand up for yourself, without lowering yourself to her level! You do not have to have your husband to stand behind you to make her mind, you have every right to disipline her..

You should not have to live like that! Period! You say you have no family no friends, no where to go. Well I am living proof there are ways out.. I left with 2 kids $50 dollars in hand and a bag of clothes. I had to get out of a situation very quicky. All I had was my car to live in for awhile. Im not going into detail, because it's very hard for me to take myself back to that place, but it can be done, There are resorces out there for people like you, who need to get out. I had to get out then, but if it's not an emergency then if I was you, I would start saving money now, to prepare to leave later. The living situation you are in apparently is not healthy for any of you.

Well like I said if you ever want to talk, just PM me and I will give you my number.. (((((((((hugs))))))))) and please never feel like you alone..

[hdb1982]

I firtunately have a great husband. But growing up my parents were not such a good match. I saw my mom pack us up and leave so many times w/o any money I decided I would never be without a way out. So, I hope Adam doesn't read this, every week since we moved in together, almost 5 years, I have taken 20.00 and gave to my mom to put in an account for me. Somwtimes more. It has added up over the years. Hopefully I will never have to use it and it can just be something to leave my kids but it is there. As long I am married I will continue to put money away b/c you never know what the future holds, I have almost 5000.00 stored away just incase. I hope things get better for you. I was a very spoiled bratty teenage but never spoke to my mother in such a way as you are describing. I don't know where I'd be without her. I live 3 miles away and at times that seems to far. I speak to her 3-4 times each and every day. I couldn't imagine my life without her. Hopefully she will grow out of this. I couldn't imagine how it must feel to have your child treat you so bad.

[dancemomof2]

Teenagers are rough. Somedays mine loves me and other days I see fire from her eyes. I am sure when they are all older we will laugh about the teenage years. Sorry your having a rough time.

hdb, hope that money isn't in your name for several reason. I would hate anyone to ever get wind of it and you lose your medical care, or hubby get upset with you that your hiding it. Sometimes those little secrets can cause havoic on a marriage. :hi:

[hdb1982]

My hubby understands how I grew up. I told him I would never allow myself to be in that situation with my kids. He understands and thinks it's good for him too becasue he would never have to worry if I would make it if for some reason we seperated.

[BrittanysDance]

thank you ladies for your replies, I appreciate it.

hb - I like your idea and am going to start doing that. Right now I cannot afford to leave, so...that will be what I'll have to do.

My daughter isnt going to change, not even when she's an adult and its very unfortunate. There is so much more to the story with her that I just dont want to go into, but suffice it to say - if she could get away with it - I wouldnt be here. She has sociopathic tendencies yet no one will do anything about it and you cant force medication down her throat now can you? No...

It's okay though....thanks for listening.

Brittany

[Babs RN]

Britt,
As one who has just come up on the other side of the mountain(minus the teenagers)please PM me even if you need to just vent. Had i not had my two buds from here to vent, I would have lost my mind.

Please PM me,
Barb:hi: