So frustrated!

[RAS6]

Hi everyone! Sorry I have been MIA alot lately. I took lots of hours last month at a special camp and wore myself out. Between that and planning my daughter's b-day party and job interviews I majorly over did it. And now I pay for it. I am so sick of this disease! I was feeling so good (between biting the bullet and paying for Proced and upping my Neurontin up to 800mgs) but just crashed this week. The pain was so bad the past two days I haven't been able to leave the house, or even the couch really. Talk about Dejavu from last summer! Sometimes I just feel like I will never be better. I don't expect to be like I was before, but some sort of consistancy would be so nice, and it feels so out of reach!
Also, my breast tumor (a benign tumor called a Fibroadenoma) is twice it's size (bigger than a golf ball now)and hurts SO BAD! I am seeing a surgeon next week about a lumpectomy. I am tired and scared and sick of feeling like a tired and ill old lady at 25 years old!
To top things off I was offered a full time position I would have killed for and had to turn it down between my upcoming breast surgeries and b/c the school they wanted me at was almost an hour drive one way. Also, it was working with teens and required being able to do holds.
I cried so much yesterday when I got off the phone. I felt so good knowing I nailed the interview. I guess I was getting used to living outside of my "IC box", if you know what I mean. I felt like "real" person again, and it all came crashing down!
The only good thing is that they really want me and left the offer open and asked me to call back when I am ready. They are going to email me when they have other positions open. They are a busy agency and hire all the time, so it's not over, just on hold.
I just hate feeling like such a failure. My husband got mad at me when I told him I wasn't going to be able to take the job. I wish he would just get it! But he is better now, especially since the offer still stands somewhere in the company.
Thanks for letting me vent! I wish I could learn to stop defining myself by what I do, and instead by who I am as a person, it is just really hard!
Please pray for me next week. I am scared to see the surgeon on Tuesday and have a feeling the surgery will be scheduled very quickly.
Thanks!

[GriffsMommy]

(((((((((((((Rachel))))))))))))))) I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I know how hard it can be to work and deal with family and have IC. My body gives out on me much more than I would like and I miss more work than I should which means less money coming in. We just have to realize that as much as we want to do it all we still do have a chronic illness and just can't or it will catch up with us. I hope everything goes okay with the surgeon next week. I would be scared about that too but I would imagine that's a fairly small surgery. I hope you can get another job that will work better with your schedule and needs. Hope you feel better soon :grouphug:

[RAS6]

Thanks Christine. It is considered a "minor" surgery, definately outpatient(isn't everything these days!) but in my case b/c the lump is so large my regular ob/gyn thinks it will be under anesthesia and take around an hour That was his guess though, breast surgery is not his speciality. Also, I am probably facing alot of scarring and, well to be blunt, damage and destruction to my breast. It bothers me, even though no one will see it but my Docs, my hubby and me. I have small breasts anyways though, barely a "b" cup, and having one with a chunk missing upsets me.
I am talking to some great ladies at a breast cancer/breast health site and tbey have offered advise and info on reconstruction surgery, etc. if I end up needing it. One lady there is only 5 years older than me and had a complete masectomy due to cancer, so I am trying to count my blessings. But again, it feels like too much to deal with right now, and my hubby being mad about me turning down what he calls "an extra $400 every week" hurt. I wish he could see more than $ signs. I know he just wants to get past just making it like we are now and be comfortable, but I have to be well, that comes first. He thinks I use being sick as an excuse, when in reality I am so depressed about not being able to work more!

[leelee88]

((((((Rach)))))))) Glad to see you back, just wish it was under differant terms..:angel: Sure wish you were feeling better...

[RAS6]

THanks Rhonda. Sorry, i should have checked in, Iwas just so down, I needed a few days by myself. I don't want to isolate myself though.
I did have a good phone call yesterday. One of my coworkers at camp (he is at the same agency as I am, but through a different program and a higher title) recommended me to his boss for a skillbuilding position. She called me yesterday and I go to meet with her on Monday. It will be more money, more hours and a different supervisor (you may recall I was having issues with my currnet one) so that would be good. Best of all it starts slow (just one child I know very well for 5 hours a week) and once my surgery is over they will start adding more famlies to me. I get to make my schedule myself and that will make finding sitters easier. I think though my dooron the teaching assistant's job was closed for now, a window just opened at my job. It would be different than what I do know, less stressfull b/c I would work one on one instead of aone with 10 + kids like lately, I'll make my schedule and not have to wait until the morning I am supposed to work to find out if I am actually working, lots of perks in my mind! She wants me full time eventually, but we are going to start with the one little girl I already know. Also, I won't have to do holds like at many other places I applied to, I don't have to lift anything, and contrary to what many people at the agency have told me, I can be hired for the position with an associate's degree.
Wish me luck, and thanks for your support!
I'll let everyone know how my consult goes on Tuesday, and if my surgery gets scheduled quickly, I will check in before hand.

[CGrace]

Hi Rachel. I am sorry you are going through such a rough time. I too have had a difficult time accepting that I can't work like everyone else can. I realized I was getting upset because I was comparing myself to everyone else around my age (26) getting new jobs, getting married, having kids, etc. and you just can't do that because they're not dealing with chronic pain and medical issues. You have to put yourself in the category of someone who is dealing with IC, and a lot of those people are in the same boat as you. So, you're not a failure. People with IC that's not under control just can't be expected to function the same as someone who is not dealing with a chronic problem. Hang in there.

[RAS6]

Thanks CGrace!
I appreciate your telling me that it's OK to let myself just be me right now. I needed to hear that. And I now I have to believe it!
But things went well today. I am going to be working through a different program and I learned more about what the job intails. It is more hands on with just one child at a time, more money and will hopefully lead to full time hours by January. So I am going for it! I had hoped to be full time this fall, but I am still not physically able and I had to except that. All the other jobs I applied for were much more stressfull and ment restraining clients/students, but this job doesn't. So I will be able to bring in a little more money now and slowly build my way up. I think that is what I needed.
Thanks for you support. I too know what you are talking about. I am already married and have two kids, but I feel so much pressure (from no one but me!) to fix my credit, be able to get a new car, house, etc, go back for my bachelor's degree, and on and on I am killing my own self esteem in the mean time!
And I have to be happy with the progress I have made. Last year I couldn't leave the house very often, was constantly missing work, and had more days stuck on the couch than not. And while my IC is still pretty bad and I have really bad days, I have more good days than bad, and most importantly a medical team that understands all the aspects of IC and PFD and are treating me from many angles.
Hey, PM me anytime you want! It's always nice to talk to IC patients, but even better when they are my age!
Thanks again! Hope to talk to you soon!
-Rachel