Really Depressed

[GriffsMommy]

:( I am probably the most depressed that I have ever been. As I mentioned in previous posts my car needed fixed and I didn't have the money to fix it. I had to go to my parents and ask for the money because we have credit cards maxed out and couldn't afford the $1100 bill. So my parents found out that I had credit card debt like most of America. My dad was pretty ****** off and told me he wanted to help me pay off my debt. I NEVER asked for him to do this but he said he wanted to help. But in the process of talking about it has basically made me feel 3 inches tall and made me feel like a horrible daughter.

He said some pretty horrible things to me last night, I'm sure he doesn't think so but he told me he doesn't want to work until he's 80 (he's 57 now) to support me. Support me!?!:rant: I pay all my own bills until this car thing came up. He makes it sound like I hit them up for money every other day. Then he told me that he didn't really give a sh*t about my problems it's just because it makes my mother unhappy so when she's unhappy he's unhappy. Nice to know that your dad really doesn't care about you:mad:

Then he proceeds to tell me that I should have come to him earlier and told him I needed help, hmmm, wonder why I wouldn't ask him for help:cussing: listen to how he talks to me!

My hubby just said to tell him that I don't want the money but I honestly I don't know if he'll take no for an answer without it causing more problems. Honestly I feel this relationship is so toxic that I don't want to ever talk to him or see him again. I have such a splitting headache and it's from all the crying I did last night during and after talking to him. I am so worried though that if I tell him I want to cut ties with him then he will obviously tell my mom that he doesn't want her to see me or talk to me either and I don't want to lose my mom! Ugh!

I do feel a little bit better after getting that all out, I just hate this, it's been 29 years of this crap and I'm sick of it.

[ICNDonna]

The good thing is that he's willing to help you. One thing you might do is to let him know that you are grateful for the loan and that you will repay it as soon as you can. If he's helping get the bills paid down, you may be able to work out a regular repayment plan.

Hang in there --- he does love you.

Donna

[SharonA]

I am so sorry you are going through this. (((Hugs)))

[leelee88]

Christine..(((((((((hugs))))))))))
I am still shocked at the way your dad talked to you...I do not think I could of held my tounge, While I have all the respect in the world for my mother and my dad when he was alive, I still could not of takin that..If you were not in such a bind you should of told him where he could of stuck that money..Just what does he get out of belittling his daughter? You kno you would of never ask for help, but you needed it, so you could work.. I think though if it was me this would be the last time I would talk to him for awhile, you do not need such a negative figure in your life right now. You just do not have to make it obvious..But for me there would have to come a time where I would have to confront him and just ask him why he feels the way he does..Maybe one day you will be able to...But in the mean time try not to let him get to you down.. :angel:

[hdb1982]

don't you love parents who pitch a fit when you ask for help. Then you stop asking until you absolutely have no other choice. By that time you are so far under and they have the nerve to ask why you didn't come to them sooner. Hello couls it be because of the way they act when you do ask. Thankfully since I have been on my own 7 years I asked for help one time here recently ( Adam had got hurt and we had 0 income for 1 month) but they still acted like they hand their paycheck to me. I did BORROW a large lump sum but it was paid back real quick. This money they gave me recently was paid back in one week, I tried to pay them interest and they acted insulted. They said I din't have to pay them back but I said I didn't want to feel like I owed them anything and wanted to show I appreciated their help. Being 24 and on my own for 7 years and only asking for real help one time I think I did okay. I sear I will never treat Katie that way. I won't support her her whole life but every once in a while everyone needs help.

[SandyRN]

I'm sorry. It seems as if something is in the air lately as so many of us are being hurt by the ones we love. At the ripe old age of 43 I think I have finally figured out my parents. Before my Dad died it dawned on me that all he really wanted for me was for me to be happy. He didn't want me to have financial problems, he didn't want me to make the same mistakes he had made growing up and throughout his adult life. He was sometimes very hurtful to me as well. He said things that made me cry, that were uncalled for, that just did NOT need to be said, at least not the way he said them.

I'm in NO way dismissing what your Dad did and said to you. It was wrong, wrong, wrong, and I know first hand how badly it hurts. The only advice I can give you is to try and see it from his point of view. He loves his little girl, you'll always be his baby girl. He wants the best for you and it frustrates him to see you struggle. He doesn't want you to have any hardships in your adult life. When he gave you the money to help you to get out of debt I think he proved that.

Some parents take it WAY too far....I know one of my best friends is going through something similar, and in her case it's best she break ties with her parents. I hope this isn't the case for you.

Maybe I'm wrong. I don't know your father. But maybe if you give it a few days to cool off, try talking to him somewhere, on your turf where you are comfortable, and tell him that the things he said hurt you very badly, maybe he'll realize how hateful he was to you. It worked with my Dad, and for that I am greatful. We only have our parent's for a short while and the last time I saw my dad we left on good terms....now I'm crying.

I hope this makes sense....I did break ties with both of my parents for a couple of years and I really wish it hadn't been that way, and if it has to be that way in your case maybe in the long run it will make things better.

But, he would not have given you the money if he didn't love you, care about you, and want the best for you. He could have just said no and walked away.

I could be totally wrong here.....just my thoughts.

Hugs, Sandy

[IC SARAH-CPP]

Christine,
your post really hit close to home for me. I havent said anything but my dad and I have not been talking since June. It has been so hard for me. We got in to a big blowout, mostly b/c of my stepmom, but after I left my hubby called my dad and then they got in to a huge fight and probably wont ever talk again. THere were some things said that were really bad.

Anyway, Im not trying to just talk about me I just wanted to tell you b/c the other day I decided to call my dad. It was really hard but as an adult I just tried to understand that my dad DOES love me and it must be hard for parents to see us make mistakes and they want to protect us. It felt so good to talk to him and start to repair our relationship. I was put in the middle of my husband and his argument and that was really hard but he is still my dad.

My dad is pretty well off and he has helped my husband and I financially quite a few times. He paid for my education, bought me my vehicles, and helped me in many other ways. At one point though I decided I just couldnt have him help me anymore because of the way it made me feel. I will still accept help from my mom b/c we have a different relationship.

Having your credit cards paid off would probably really help you financially. Maybe you can sit down with your dad and establish some ground rules if you are going to accept the money. Like no holding it over your head, etc.

I also NEVER discuss my health with my father. If he asks how i feel, I just say fine. I just dont feel like he cares enough to talk about it with him. It sucks but that is life.

I hope that whatever you decided brings you peace :) I am here if you want to talk, I understand.

Sarah

[mimimama]

Sandy and Christine,

I am so sorry Christine..as you know I've been going thru the same issues with my father..I am very sorry you are feeling so hurt.

Sandy, I think you have a very valid point about your dad (and my dad) not wanting us to struggle and be hurting. My dad gets so frustrated he just lashes out and then expects me to be ok minutes later.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I am ready for FALL and WINTER! We need the seasons to change, holiday spirit and some good ole fashion goodwill! I am over this summer! It has sucked for so many of us!:bonk:

Here's to a better season, to falling leaves, pumpkins, being thankful, giving gifts, seeing miracles happen, the first snow, and happy holidays!:angel:

Cheers!:smile tee

I'm sorry. It seems as if something is in the air lately as so many of us are being hurt by the ones we love. At the ripe old age of 43 I think I have finally figured out my parents. Before my Dad died it dawned on me that all he really wanted for me was for me to be happy. He didn't want me to have financial problems, he didn't want me to make the same mistakes he had made growing up and throughout his adult life. He was sometimes very hurtful to me as well. He said things that made me cry, that were uncalled for, that just did NOT need to be said, at least not the way he said them.

I'm in NO way dismissing what your Dad did and said to you. It was wrong, wrong, wrong, and I know first hand how badly it hurts. The only advice I can give you is to try and see it from his point of view. He loves his little girl, you'll always be his baby girl. He wants the best for you and it frustrates him to see you struggle. He doesn't want you to have any hardships in your adult life. When he gave you the money to help you to get out of debt I think he proved that.

Some parents take it WAY too far....I know one of my best friends is going through something similar, and in her case it's best she break ties with her parents. I hope this isn't the case for you.

Maybe I'm wrong. I don't know your father. But maybe if you give it a few days to cool off, try talking to him somewhere, on your turf where you are comfortable, and tell him that the things he said hurt you very badly, maybe he'll realize how hateful he was to you. It worked with my Dad, and for that I am greatful. We only have our parent's for a short while and the last time I saw my dad we left on good terms....now I'm crying.

I hope this makes sense....I did break ties with both of my parents for a couple of years and I really wish it hadn't been that way, and if it has to be that way in your case maybe in the long run it will make things better.

But, he would not have given you the money if he didn't love you, care about you, and want the best for you. He could have just said no and walked away.

I could be totally wrong here.....just my thoughts.

Hugs, Sandy

[callie0767]

i am so sorry christine you sound just like me. my dad wants me to struggle like he did but he will help sometimes but not without me feeling like a louse of a daughter. he makes me feel like i am 2 inches tall. i had to break ties with both of my parents for 2 years. not the best choice but the stress of having them in my life was too much. they put me down every day many times a day and i just couldn't take it anymore. i developed more and more health problems and made my baldder worse. they just didn't get it about ic.they thought it was all in my head. it did work though-they are more sympathetic and understanding. although not the best choice but i hope you work it out with your parents. maybe just limit your time with them for a short time. i did the same thing get in debt because of medical bills he would bail me out but give me h*LL for it. it took a lot of talking and i eventually told them that we could not talk about my health my bills etc. take care and i hope things work out for you.
courtenay

[mary124]

My Mom is like that, If and when i borrow (I'm 47 and I try not to -- I had to go to my Dad this Summer because my medical expenses were about to kill us and I couldn't keep up with the everday things) because the few times that I have had to go to them in the past, I've paid back except for 1 time and that was too many years ago, but somehow my Mom rememebers that (I think it was for a W/D and my dad says it was a gift while my mom says it wasn't) anyway, take the money if you can and sit down and try to work out payment arrangements with him. Also getting your credit cards payments down will help the interest rate is killing you as it is. Try to not use your cards and also to make more than the min. payment every month.

[GriffsMommy]

Thanks everybody for the kind words and advice. I don't know what I'm going to do, I guess I'll probably take the money but I can't have a normal conversation with him. I can't tell him that he hurt my feels or really upset me because then he starts yelling at me that he's just the big a**hole isn't he? It just turns into this whole big mess. I know that he cares about me or he wouldn't give me the money but lord he makes me feel like such crap and I don't see how he can't realize that. He just seems to be in complete denial about his personality and about our lack of a relationship. I doubt I'll ever completely cut him out of my life for fear that he will make my mother choose between him or me if I do but at least for the time being I will have the least amount of communication possible.

They told me to get all of my credit card statements together and call them back. They didn't really give me a time that they wanted me to call them back and I was so worn out last night that I didn't want to call them back. I had a HUGE headache all day today probably from the crying I did last night so I'm not calling them tonight either for my own sanity. I told everyone in the house if they call to just tell them I'm sick and laying down and not taking phone calls.

We actually had a big blow up after my brother's wedding last summer. My hubby had a fit watching my dad smiling the whole time at my brother's wedding while we went and eloped because I was too afraid to have a wedding for fear my dad would screw it up (he can't stand my hubby). So basically I told him how he made me feel over the years, this has been going on forever and he just doesn't get it. He basically told me that what is in the past is in the past, yea well when your dad has been crappy to you pretty much your whole life it's hard to let that crap go. Oh well, I honestly don't ever think that we'll have a good relationship and honestly I know it's his loss because I'm a good person and he'll never really know me but it still does hurt.

Thank you to all of you for the wonderful support you give me :grouphug:

[SandyRN]

I'm sorry Christine. I obviously didn't have the whole story. You're right, it is his loss because we KNOW what a great person you are because we've seen it here! Take the money, if he chooses to rub it in your face or make you feel guilty let it go. Just ignore it. You need help right now and if he's willing to do it, let him do it. It's better for you long term, at least financially and it will take some of that strain off of you for now anyway. I'm really sorry that he's being such a jerk. I guess I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I was hoping that deep down he was a good man who just wanted the best for his daughter.

Hugs, Sandy

[GriffsMommy]

Thank you Sandy. I did really appreciate what you said, you are one of the people who is always there when I'm down. There was no way for you to know the long painful history I have had with my dad from one post. I think that you're right though, I probably will take the money because even though I have to go through some crap to get it it will really help us out. I get the feeling from him that he doesn't want me to pay him back because he also said that I was taking money away from my brother for our future inheritence and he should give him money now too. Well I don't care if he gives my brother money too I just think it's crappy that he says I'm taking money from him. Oh well, my dad is who he is and he's never going to change, I guess I just have to realize that and move on.

[ICNJess]

If it were me, I'd take the money and get the bills paid off, then pay him off and keep him at arm's length. Be pleasant to him and to your mother, but you do not need this kind of stress and it seems apparent that he'd probably get your mom to cut ties if you were to cut him out of the big picture. My dad can be harsh, but not to the degree that yours is! I am sorry, I hope things look up soon.

(((((Hugs))))))

[RAS6]

Christin, sorry to hear all of your troubles. I am having a really rough time right now too, between finances, marriage troubles, and depression. I understand a little of what you are dealing with concerning your Dad. Mine still reimnds me on a regular basis that I owe him $100!
Please know I am thinking of you and I hope everything works out OK.

[Berkshire Road]

I'm so sorry, Christine. I hope it works out ok, one way or another.

[Claredale]

Christine, I hope you are doing better today!

Families can really get to us. I have family issues myself mainly with my MIL, but things are better only because she made my husband mad with what she has done to me and she doesn't want to lose him (not that she would) but she is into the drama. I went for counseling and had alot of help from my friends here! I have learned to not let anyone take away my control.

Sure, we are all going to need help at times, whether its financial, emotional, help with kids, etc. I have made a promise to myself. I have one son that is married and one that has a steady girlfriend. I will do my best to be supportive, honest, and not let anything get between me and my family. If my kids ever need help, and I have the money, time, or whatever, I will give it to them. I have taught them as best as I can to be independant and only spend what they have and to save when they can, but as most of us know, we all want more than we have and make bad decisions at times. My daughter-in-law is definitely goal minded and probably better with money than I am. My husband is the one that is good with the money in our family! I hope that you and your dad can get through this without upsetting you even more.

Hugs, Tracey

[kuntrygurl78]

Im sorry I didnt see this post sooner!

I just wanted to send my support. Parents suck sometimes. I agree with the others that said somthing about coming up with a payment plan.

A few years ago, I was living with my grandparents. I had gotten down on my luck. I didnt ask for money, but just to live with them. It was the hardest thing I ever did. Im very independent and head strong. But, I moved in with them, worked full time, and went to school full time.

At one point, my car started to slowly die. I was fixing one thing at a time, because thats all I could afford. One day, grandma was freaking out about it. She told me to get with my mechanic and get everything fixed. She said she would pay for everything then I could pay her back. It took me a while to pay her back. She had died by the time I payed her back. When I called grandpa to tell him I was sending the final check, he told me that I was the only grandkid that had ever borrowed money and paid them back. I couldnt believe it! I mean sometimes it was only $10 a month, but I felt that I needed to show the effort. He said that he appreciated that.

I really hope things go better between you and your dad. I havent talked to my dad in 10 years, (I could write a novel about that). Its hard to have a parent treat you badly, when all you want so much from them is their love and understanding.

Sending love!:grouphug:

[GriffsMommy]

Oh thanks Kim! It sounds like we're kindered spirits when it comes to our dads! Let me know when you know more about coming to the area, I would really like to meet up! :smile tee

[kuntrygurl78]

Im still trying to figure out what my schedule will be. I should know something early next week! I cant wait to meet!!!!!:woohoo:

[Babs RN]

Christine,
I am experiencing something pretty darn close. Please PM me if you need anything. I am dealing with all the same feelings you are.

Hugs,
Barb:)

[GriffsMommy]

I can't believe it but my dad seemed to have changed overnight. I was so upset after our converstation on Tuesday that I didn't call them back for the rest of the week because I was flaring so bad.

Well I called my mother this morning while my father was at church (isn't that weird that he goes and she doesn't?). I told her that he made me too upset with all the things he said and I didn't think I wanted them to give me the money. She was pretty surprised and she must have talked to him about it at lunch (they go out to lunch every Sunday after church) because they called me while I was taking a nap with Griffin.

Well I called them back and my dad pretty much said that he was insensitive for what he said about working until he was 80 to support me (ya think? :mad: ) but what he was saying was until hubby starts working if the funts that need to go out each month is more than what's coming in then he will make up the difference. I was shocked, I guess he does care even though he can be nasty sometimes. He pretty much said that they have the means to help us out and he wants to do it. He said he doesn't expect for us to pay him back, if we want to give him some money when we're better off financial that's fine but he doesn't expect it. He actually wants me to take my income tax refund next year and put it in a savings account instead of paying him back.

I think I'm still in shock, I can't believe that I went from saying I was taking the money this morning from the way he treated me to getting ready to send him my credit card statements so he can pay them off. He was a lot more calm today and not so mean. He was afraid that if they didn't pay them off then the stress of all of the bills would keep me stressed out and my bladder would never "get better." I almost laughed at him several times because he never gets the name right, he always calls it "irratable bladder syndrome" instead of IC. I think I finally feel relaxed for the first time this whole week. Thanks to everyone who gave me advice and support. Hopefully this will get us back on track and I won't be under so much stress anymore.

[ICNDonna]

If he's calling it irritable bladder syndrome that tells me he has done a little research. Believe me --- it's obvious he cares.

Warm hugs,
Donna

[leelee88]

Thats great news Christine...Glad his came to his senses...
Hope you are doing better:angel:

[SandyRN]

I'm so happy Christine!! I wish you were here so I could give you a big ole bear hug! Maybe I wasn't so far off in my thoughts the first time. I'm so glad to hear this. I know what it feels like to have such animosity for your parents, in this case your Dad, and it's a terrible feeling. I know you can't count on him always being this nice and understanding but take it while it lasts and remember this conversation with him next time he gets, um, cranky! I really, really AM HAPPY for you. I know this is such a big load off of your mind both financially and just for the simple fact that it's much nicer when your family basically 'gets it'.

Hugs, Sandy

[MakinIT]

Christine: I can't type much because my arm hurts too much but I've been in the same place and still get there with my dad. I will talk more to you later but I hurt too much now but I feel very bad for you. You've done nothing wrong, I think maybe your dad is stressed and worried about you and maybe expressing it the way men (your father..MY father) would....call your irresponsible. Instead of saying I love you and I don't know what to do to help, it's "your mom is being a pain, so I'm annoyed and forced to help you!) And that's that. but he likely loves you, but like so many men, can't tell you.

I'll talk more when my arm isn't a throbbing mess.

T

[kuntrygurl78]

:woohoo: :bow:

Glad things have made a turn around between you and your dad!

[Sally939]

I am so sorry. I have been reading a lot on this site the last 24 hours. I wish I could fix it all in your, mine and everyone elses life on here including all our pain. Now my dad is "special" too. I must agree if he is learning about this horrible IC condition he does care. I think I understand how you feel but if he is like my dad you have to try to except him for who he is and see the things he does out of love. Even if they are little odd things. Now that being said if he continues to hurt you at a point you need to do what is best for you and your child. Good Luck with it all.

[MakinIT]

ooops..sorry, I put in my two cents without reading all the feedback.looks like yer dad has smacked himself in the head a little. Personally, with my dad, he just thought I was being a weenie and didn't need the pain meds. I brought over some articles off the web and dropped them on his counter and said "read these" (one was on pain management and addiction: physical dependence can happen but addiction doesn't) Anyway, my folks went bankrupt about 2 years ago (6 years after the last time I asked for money)..Dad was in the computer software/hardware business..owned his own business. Blamed me for the # of times I've asked for money. (HMM...50 bucks here, 100 there...in the course between my eldest child's birth, 1990 and the last time I asked for money, 2001, maybe 1500.... His business earned over a mill a year. Give me a break. It's the economy stupid.

[sandymarie]

Christine,

As a daughter that my mom refuses to help even if I were dying and I do mean dying. Take it as a blessing from God and enjoy being able to sit back and not worry about the bills for a while. Sounds to me like he might be a little jealous that you are #1 in Mom's heart.
Hang in there.

JJ:pray: :pray:

[mayray]

You are lucky to have gotten what you got. There was a time when I thought I may be homeless. I had just purchased a condo and had to sell it when I got IC. by the time i proved I had IC and got disability (2 years later) I had gone thru all my money. I went to being a paralegal in DC to lying in bed for 8 years. I feel better physically now but nothing can ever make up for those lost years I feel all my hard work went down the tubes, so when someone is kind, be appreciative.

[MakinIT]

Mayray:
I certainly can't say I am a bubble of emotional health and that I have any answers, if you are looking for them. Hell, I'm on this thread looking for help as well. But I too have said, WOW I was a teacher with Master's degree...close to PhD (I was teaching teachers) and I WAS ANGRY for 4 years and I suffered emotionally as well as physically. I didn't realize my reaction really ruined a very tenuos family dynamic and we are trying to heal. I didn't understand how angry I was, and I didn't understand everything going on. So, you have to STOP thinking about the lost years and look ahead to what you can have. IF you can't work, find something you've always wanted to do and dammit, do it. Once I finally get my neck fixed (going to be a major surgery) I am going to learn the guitar..I bought one but can't get my arm over it...(I actually know how to play but can't get my arm over it.) I also will draw and take creative writing. I never thought of myself as lucky. Maybe because of money. Although my husband makes it clear that he is the breadwinner because he is the twit who brings home mucho money and I only bring home disability and social security.

Please, try to make a list of things that are good...: )

[mayray]

Believe me I have not been twiddling my thumbs. I have been pain free for 7 years and am back to work. But in the Washington, D.C. area where I live I doubt I will ever own a house. I was engaged when I got sick and broke it off because I could not even walk, drive, etc and I did not feel it was fair to him. There is nothing I can do about it except hope that they find a cure and no one has to suffer.:angel:

[MakinIT]

Nah...didn't figure you were. But sometimes when we are alone...I have a family, yet they are all very self centered....I threw up in the store into an hour or so ago..."clean up on aisle 5"....and the only thing my younger daughter worried about is if I remember her tea...I didn't, and my eldest wanted me to go school supply shopping. I threw my debit card at her and told her to keep it under 30 bucks (what!...I'm a senior...I have more stuff...I told her she should be better at budgetting then) I told her later when I felt better and people stopped bossing me around and starting picking up afterthemselves, maybe I'd consider more supplies.

Unfortunately, I can't work. Sucks. My pain is more than my bladder, it involves my entire pelvic cavity. So I'm on very high levels of morphine ER and Oxy for breakthrough. I usually get 50 Oxy from my doc every month and use about 35 on a good month, 45 on a bad...but never have run out. I mean, there is always from 15 to 5 left added to the next batch and I have started to tell him i'm ok but he insists on sending me the same amount of breakthrough each month so SSDI doesn't say "Look, she's getting better"...anyway...with all the extras I have, I have gone through ALL the OXY's this month and still have a week before I see him. I have a horrible neck problem...(arthritis is closing off my spinal canal at the cervical level) Pounding headaches, my right side is very weak, vomiting...tons of fun. Trying to stay positive but I forsee a surgury very soon on my horizon.:( I'm scared poopless b/c I've been paralyzed in my past, for about a year. I don't think I want a long term, rest of my life deal. (they cut through my windpipe to get part of it)

It should be fun. I thought, barring any nasty car accidents, I was done with surgeriesl WRONG. Who knows. Maybe the surgeon will have a marvelous idea tomorrow.

Good luck

Tracey

[mayray]

I hope you get better girl. I did after 7 years so it is possible. I know exactly how you feel; my so called family unit abandoned me about a year into the IC, you find out who your friends are thats for sure. There are many new ideas coming out about the causes, etc. so I pray that a remission is found for everyone.:angel: