Need help with my mom

[SandyRN]

Just to clarify for Sandy: Sandy is in no way trying to force her mother to move. She wants to move. What Sandy is looking for here are some suggestions that might make the process easier for her mother. At first I also misunderstood, but now I'm trying to think of some things that might help her mother with the actual process of selling her home, etc.
-Donna
My mom is 71 years old and lives about 4 hours from me in suburban Atlanta. We lost my Dad a little over 2 years ago and she continues to live in this big, rambling house where I grew up.

Today she called me and asked me what my symptoms were related to fibro. I told her and she got really upset. She's got all the symptoms of fibro AND IC. I'm so upset. I've tried several times to get her to move up here and to help her move to a RETIREMENT community, not assisted living, not a nursing home. She owns the house free and clear and I'm sure it's worth a big chunk of change. My dad left her comfortable, not rich, but ok to live til 100 if we're lucky enough to have her that long.

She's feeling so bad now physically that she can't do anything and I understand...but I want to get her HERE where I can take care of her. She can afford a nice place to live, where she won't be so alone, and where she'll be near her grandchildren.

How in the world do I put a fire under her butt? I've tried now for over 2 years since my dad died. It's time for her to make the change.

Anyone who has gone through this with your parents please give me some advice. I love my mom very much and hate her being so alone down there.

Thanks,

Sandy

[GriffsMommy]

I haven't had to go through this yet myself but a co-worker of mine is having her roommates mother move in with them. It's pretty much the same situation that you're in. Bethleen's dad died a couple of years ago and they wanted her mom to move in with them. I think they talked her into it by letting her know it would benefit everybody. She could help them, they could help her and they really wanted to spend time with her because they like her company so much. MAYBE it would also help because you could tell her that if you get her to move closer to you then you can get her to the great dr's that have helped you so much instead of her having to go through the horrible dr search that we all do until we find one that helps us. You've kind of already done the leg work for her when it comes to that, maybe that would be a good selling point. I hope you can get her to move closer, I can only imagine how hard that is.

[SandyRN]

Thanks Christine. I did tell her that about the doctors. I think she's afraid to leave her doctor. She's been seeing the same doctor, my old family doctor, for 30 years. I guess everything is so familiar to her and she's afraid to make the change.

I'll try saying the things you said though about how she could help us, and we could help her. I thought about having her move in here, we do have a spare bedroom, but she's allergic to pet hair. :(

[GriffsMommy]

Even if you have her move near by, tell her that she can still have her independence but then you can help her when she needs it. I told my mom honestly that I miss her like crazy (she's about an hour and a half away since I moved to PA) and I told her if something happens to my dad first I want her to move in with us. Tell her you're being selfish, you miss her and want to see her more. Maybe making her feel wanted and missed. Tell her how much easier it will be to take care of a smaller place rather than the big place she has now.

[leelee88]

Sandy,
I have learned with my mom that I have to treat her like I would one of my kids sometimes and just make the decisions for her.. When possible you should go up to where she lives and tell her you are not giving her a choice that you need her now just as much as she needs you, Tell her you both could help each other..I have to do this with my mom sometimes or she will just sit on something and it will never get done.. Good luck ...:angel:

[dancemomof2]

It is tough to get them to change there ways when they get older. My mom has IC and refuses to see any other URO but hers and he does squat for her.

[ICNDonna]

After my mother lost her husband (my step-father) we were all worried about her being alone and my sister really wanted her to move in with her family. For a couple of years Mom was pretty firm, but my sister convinced her that she really needed her and talked her into giving up her home. The problem was that my sister didn't really need her and Mom was very alert and knew it! Within a few weeks she was very sorry she had given up her home. The problem then was that her home was gone, her furniture was gone, she was no longer near her friends; plus she knew she wasn't really needed. I watched my mother give up on life and become more and more unhappy until it finally made her ill and she really couldn't take care of herself. Believe me when I say I tried --- but we live in the country and Mom didn't want to move even further from her friends. For the rest of my life I will be sorry I didn't do more to keep her in her own home as long as was possible.

I know everyone's circumstances are different, but if you make it known that you would love to have her nearby you're doing the best you can. If she's mentally alert and able to take care of herself, she may be happier where she is. When she can no longer do that, then you may need to step in.

Warm hugs,
Donna

[sandymarie]

Sandy,

You know me, I don't get real agressive about anything. But my husbands mother was the same way. Maybe if you could just make her a cozy place in your home and ask her to come and stay a little while since you are haveing so much trouble with your back. That is the truth. If you can get her there and she could see she could be happy there and find new friends, she would move. My MIL moved in with us for about 2 yrs and believe it or not, she and my hubby got into a fuss. She and I got along fine with a lot of spoiling from me. She did however go back to her house and live. She found that she couldn't handle the kids running thru the house and the younger ones made her nervous. Maybe you mother does need to be needed, but if she's happy in her home it is probably b/c she knows her way around in the dark at her home. Her memories are there. She may just feel more confortable there. I don't want to discourage you, but if she is happy and is independent you might be worrying for nothing. Most parents want to think that they don't want to be a burden to their children. I will pray that she will do what is best for her and you. That is really the only way you will know for sure. I do hope this helps your feelings. You are so sweet to think about her though. Hang in, I am sure you will find peace in the situation.

Luv ya

JJ:smile tee :smile tee :pray:

[SharonA]

Sandy...I was in this situation several years ago except my mom was not able to care for herself. After my dad died, I asked Mom to move here. She absolutely refused. My mom and dad lived in Arizona which is very far from me. Even though she had to go into an assisted living house and I would not be close to help monitor her care, she still refused to move. I came to realize that all she wanted out of life after my father died was to be buried next to him when she died. So, I found a good living arrangement for her and came back home.

It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I did what I could for her. I flew out and visited her several times and called her on the same day, at the same time every week. I also stayed in phone contact with her caregivers. They would call me at least once a week. More if something unusual happened. This was so difficult for me, but she was happy. That is all that mattered.

She has been gone now for 5+ years and was buried with my father. I know I did everything I could to take care of her and make her happy during her last years. Sometimes, that is all you can do.

(((Hugs)))

[ICNDonna]

Sharon, you gave your mother the largest gift of all in allowing her to make her own decisions. Sometimes that's the hardest thing to do.

Warm hugs,
Donna

[Berkshire Road]

We went through a long period of trying to get my grandmother (who lived to be 95) and her younger sister who lived with her, to move into an apartment or senior citizen housing, or anything other than the large house with VERY steep stairs that they had lived in since my father was a baby. They were both absolutely adament that they did not want to move. They were about 45 minutes away from us, and neither one could drive a car, so we all had to take it in turns to go up there and take them to the grocery store or the doctor or whatever the case was. Finally we just accepted their decision, and we were able to keep them in their home with the help of some hired caregivers for daytime. At night, they didn't have to navigate the stairs, so it was all right. And when my grandmother died, her sister went right on living in the house for another eight years until she passed away at age 90. I have to say, they did not appreciate being treated like children and they really read us the riot act on that subject.

Now my 70 year old mother, with both osteo and rheumatoid arthritis and fibro, is still living in a four level house, and I know she won't leave until she is ready. The problem is, she is very near to us already, so I don't have that card to play. Well, as my grandmother said, "I am an adult with more experience and sense than any three of the rest of you put together, and until I become senile, I would appreciate being treated appropriately." So, we're leaving it alone.

I hope things work out for your mom, one way or another.

[SandyRN]

I want to clarify that my mom is the one that brings up moving here every time I talk to her. She tells me she's re-doing the bathrooms, painting, etc, so that she can at least get "a little something' for the house. She's thought it through enough that we'd have to sell most of her furniture, but there are some pieces I'd love to have, some my sister would love, and some my mom would want to keep in her own apartment if she is allowed to furnish it.

I don't want to make her decisions for her. She tells me she wants to move here, but then it's "oh, howwill I ever sell the house?", and other things like that. I keep telling her that I will come down there and help her. She's got a GREAT financial guy that helped with my dad's insurance policy and also handles her investments, and monthly allotments and bills.

I really understand that shes got to do it on her own time and in her own way and she's got to be the only one that makes this decision because she IS still able to do so.

I know she likes it here, and it intrigues her very much that we probably have the same health ailments. Yestereday she asked me what pain med she should ask for. She's done a complete 180....this was the same woman who called me a junkie several years back. I don't feel any happiness that she's got pain, I'm extrememly sad. I just wish it hadn't taken her getting sick to understand me. :(

Anyway, I want HER to make this move for HER and well, for me and the kids too. I miss my mom. Geeeeeeeez, it's almost 2 am and I'm wide awake crying at the computer.

Thanks for the help so far. Anyone else I could sure use some more help here. I did sign up for a free referral service that places mom's in whatever type place you're looking for and I asked to see Independent Living/Retirement homes. I asked her first if thats what she would like to look at, and what she could afford. So, I'm following her rules. I would love to have her here by Christmas, at least for a visit.

[tigger_gal]

sending you and mom bigh hugs and prayers

[ICNDonna]

I think it's great that she's really wanting to move to be near you. And it's great that it's her decision --- sounds like the two of you have an excellent relationship!

I do have a suggestion (I ALWAYS have to put in my 2 cents :)) --- when you are exploring the assisted living apartments, if you can find one where there is a section where residents can receive care when they are ill, that's a good thing.

You might talk with her about having a real estate management firm take over any painting, etc., and the sale of the house. It costs a little, but can be well worth it.

I hope she is able to make the change before the holidays so you can relax and enjoy each other.

Warm hugs,
Donna

[Berkshire Road]

Actually, my mom is the same way. She keeps saying she needs to move out of that house, but then she is able to find a hundred reasons why it's not really feasible at this time. So I just think she isn't emotionally ready to make the move. I hope your mom is further along in the process than mine! We at least have the comfort of knowing that we're only a mile or so away, should anything happen. I'm sure I would be a lot more worried if we were at a distance from each other.

[beccasark]

I think the biggest gift you can give your mother is the choice to make her own decision to stay in her own home and live a independent life if she is capable( in sound Mind). She may look at it as taking away her freedom. I know you are worried about her and love her very much butt sometimes we have to let go and let them make their own choices even if we do not agree with them. There are many companies that will come into the home and look after your loved one. They can help with taking them to a doctors appointment to helping with the house work. Please respect her wishes. She is not ready to move and may never be ready but that is something we have to accept. I know I have been in your place, it is very hard on us, when all we want is to care for her. Perhaps you can pick her up for a mini vacation of a week or two and do not press or bring up the issue of moving ,but enjoy each other and go from there, take it slow. Please respect her wishes. Sometimes parents just like to complain and this is something we have to understand that we can not please them. You have to ask your self if she has always acted this way, how has her health declined in the last 6 months, 3 months, . You were the one that moved away not her and this is her home, her life and as we age we do not like change. She is still your mother and she must be treated as so. I know this is something you may not like to hear but sometimes we need others view point on the situation. We are so close we can only think of one thing and we fix ourself on that. Just because she does not want to move now is not the end of the world, she may not be ready in 3 months but then again after spending mini vacation time with you she may see your point of view. Give her time, space, and love. I was there and I feel for you but I do not regret the space I gave my mother. I am not saying it is easy, I was worried sick at times but I respected her wishes and that to me is LOVE.

[SandyRN]

Maybe I'm not making myself clear. She tells me she wants to move. I've never pushed her to come up here. I've OFFERED every time I've spoken to her and told her she's welcome and that of course I'd feel better if she were here. Of course I want to be able to take care of her and make sure she's safe. She's 4 hours away from me with nobody there anymore. My dad is gone, my sister is useless..let's leave it at that, her friends are either gone or sickly, and that leaves my nephew who will help her, but he always hopes he will get something out of the deal.

I wish to have her here because I worry she'll be taken advantage of, not because I want her to lose her identity or her home or who she is.

Honestly, all of who she was is pretty much gone now...not to mean SHE is gone, but all she KNEW in that city is gone. I hope that makes sense. Shes in a very vulnerable state right now and she keeps telling me that. The neighborhood she lives in is not as safe as it once was and she wants to get out while she can still make money on the house.

She IS afraid of change...I understand that. What I seem to NOT be able to get across here is that I am not trying to force her into coming here. She DOES want to come, she's AFRAID to come. She doesn't know HOW to come. All she knows, such as it is, is there. She's afraid of going through the realtor process, of moving, of selling some of her things, of moving into a strange place, of all of it. I keep trying to reassure her how much I love her and how I will be there for her every step of the way.

I don't know how to explain it any other way.

I'm so upset right now I'm in tears. I'm in the worst flare I've ever been in and I just can't seem to get my point across.

I'm not trying to force her into anything, or rule her life, or take away her independence, or any of that. I would NEVER dream of that, EVER.

I LOVE my mother.

[ICNDonna]

Sandy, I hope you don't mind, but I added a clarification to your first message in this thread. And I do have a couple of suggestions. Number 1 is to help her go through her things and help select those things she wants to bring with her, furniture, dishes, etc. and put post-its or tags on them. Then select those things she'd really like to keep, but may not need for a while (those things could go in a storage unit near you). After the first two have been marked, then the rest could be sold. I know it wouldn't give her as much money, but a reputable used furniture dealer should be able to give her a good price for those things she chooses to part with.

After that is done, she could either sign with a realtor to sell her house or maybe lease it for a year first. She'd still have income from the house, but it wouldn't be quite as final and maybe less scary if it's just leased for a while.

I hope this helps.

Warm hugs,
Donna

[Annie2]

Sandy,

Change is never easy and just gets harder as we get older. Sometimes, even though we may WANT change, our fears of the unknown just paralyze us. Just figuring out where to START in making a big move can be just too overwhelming. Donna gave you some really good suggestions. I know you are going through a horrible flare right now, but once you improve is there a chance you could go spend some time with your Mother and help her get started sorting through things as Donna suggested and interviewing realtors to help her find one she is comfortable working with? Your presence could help her get started and feel more comfortable about making the change. A little "hand-holding" might go a long way in motivating her to take the first steps and reassure her that things will be ok. You can help her make a plan for this move and help her start implementing the plan.

Another thing that might help is having her come and stay with you for a few days. You could then take her to the retirement community where she would be living and spend some TIME there looking at housing arrangements and actually meeting some residents by attending social functions, activities, club meetings etc that go on in that community. That could help her feel more comfortable and better understand what she is getting into. It would help take away the fears of the "unknown" and give her a sense of going to a place she is familiar with. She would at least be acquainted with a few others residing in the community, would know a little about the many activities she might enjoy that are available in such communities and that might motivate her to get going with what she needs to do to clean out and sell her home so she can get where she wants to go.

My hubby and I are working on cleaning out our home and preparing to put it on the market this next spring. We're moving out-of-state to a totally new environment. It has been hard for me, even though I REALLY want to go, to get started. I have lived in this area most of my life. I used to have a large family and lots of friends here. My memories are here and it is hard to move on and leave it all behind. But my family is gone now and most of my friends have moved away. It's not the same and nothing remains to tie me here. When we finally made the decision of where we were choosing to move, it helped me. We spent some time there and I feel I know where I am going and really do want to get there as quickly as I can. Yes, I still will feel a little sad about leaving my past behind me and I don't expect that feeling to go away. What I do have is a clear idea of where I am going and that helped me get over the paralysis of fear that was slowing me down and keeping me from doing what I needed to do to get where I really do want to go.

I am not alone. I have my hubby doing this with me. If I were doing this alone, I don't think I would be making any progress. Maybe by helping your mother learn more about where she is going and being with your mother when you can and acting as a partner who will be with her through this whole move, she will have an easier time putting the past behind her and will be motived to do what she needs to do to get where she really does want to go. Though you can't be with her constantly and do everything for her, helping her get started might give her the confidence and reassurance she needs.

[SandyRN]

Thank you Donna. I guess I never worded it the right way, and last night I was very emotional because of this flare and worry for my mom. I really can't stand the thought that she is down there basically alone and has nothing but a few Zanax for pain....and she's really not even supposed to take those unless she's having an anxiety attack...and we all know how that is...anxiety = pain and pain = anxiety!!! I'm on the verge of calling her doctor myself as she was my doctor for more years than I like to think about.

Anyway, I thank you for putting that clarification on my original post. You really did make it all so much more clear for me. I would never want to rule my mom's life or make her change her life to make ME feel better. All I want is what she wants and what will make her happy and safe. She's told me what she wants, but she doesn't know how to do it, and she's just terrified of change.

I really do appreciate your responses, and I'm sorry if I came across as abrupt or as if I didn't appreciate the time you all spent in writing to me.

You guys are the best.

Thanks so much, Sandy

[Bessie]

Sandy,
Maybe you could ask your Mom to come stay with you for a few weeks just to see if she would like it there or not, because once you sell your house you can't go back. We are going through the same thing with my husband's grandmother who is 101 years old. She wants to be at her house but when she is there then she wants to go to her daughter's house, then she wants to go back home, then she wanted to go to the nursing home so her son put her in there. She called him every day and told him to come and get her out of that nursing home because all of those old people in there were crazy` :)
I have tried to get her to come and stay with us but she wants to keep her own independence.

Do you think maybe your Mom could stay with you and then go back home for a while? Would she be able to make the flights back and forth? I know it is a hard decision for all involved. I will pray for you all and I hope that your Mom will at least come and visit with you.

[SandyRN]

Thanks for the help everyone. You all have no idea how much you've helped me. I did contact a place called "A place for Mom". They're a free referral service for people in our situations and those that need 24/7 nursing care. It's really great, and the people there have been nothing but exceptionally kind and caring to me.

They are sending me brochures on the types of housing we requested and I'm going to pre-screen them myself, then plan a trip to go down and get my mom, see what she thinks about them and the price, and let her take it from there. She knows that I'm not sitting around waiting on her to die so I can get my inheritance like my sister is. It's really horrible when one of your own children don't really love you, they feel that they are entitled to YOUR money, and for that I wish, well, I wish my sister a really icky disease that turns her into an alligator! :lmao: Anyway, she has no contact with my mom, or me anymore and thats JUST how we like it. But, my sister is EVIL in the worst sense of the word and she will strip my mother of all her cash in a heartbeat if she could.

I want her safe where I know whats happening with her and her money, knowing WHO Is taking care of her, and how her money is spent....like when she redid the bathrooms, well, turns out they put in industrial toilets in a 2 1/2 bath house!! INDUSTRIAL!!?!???????! My MOM is the only person living there....case in point, she was taken.

I know there is a very fine line between meddling into her life and simply trying to make sure she's getting the best, safest deal on anything she's doing in her life. She's still got her mental faculties for the most part, but she slips on some things, and she's very forgetful...dont know if thats fibro fog or just age related dementia, or both.

Anyway, my search starts this week, and I'm going to be a lot more proactive with her, but leaving the decisions up to her, only adding my own 2 cents if she flat out asks me.

I'm also worried that my sister will sue her for some off the wall suit that she will make up, she's got munchausen by proxy and she's really ready for the looney bin. She is INSANELY jealous of my mom. My mom bought a new car after my Dad died, a small Honda Accord, it was smaller, and safe and she felt good driving it. My sister was SHOCKED and said, "She is so old, what the h*ll does she need a NEW car for? Why doesn't she take this 98 buick they gave me back and give me that new car?" It's the same day after day, month after month.
'
This leaves me. I am so afraid that she will be taken of her life savings in one way or another and I feel I have to get her out of there ASAP.

Please, just please understand she does want to come up here....she's 71 and has lived in the same house for almost 30 years. It's just very stressful for her. I want to help her more than anything in my life right now.

I would do anything in this world for her. We had our moments, shall we say. We didn't always agree on everything, but she told me I was a good mom and that I always put my children first, no matter what I needed done for myself. It made me feel good. I told her I had a really BAD role model, my sister, to watch and learn what NOT to do.

Anyway, yes, it's late again and I'm not sleepy.......figured I'd come on here and vent again.

I just can't express my thanks enough to you all...there isnt a grouphug icon big enough either!!!

Thanks everyone, you all really are the best!!

I mean that.

Hugs, Sandy

[Bessie]

Sandy,
You and your Mom are so lucky to have each other :)
What a blessing to have family that loves you and is looking out for you. I am proud of you for being there for your Mom and I know she is proud of you and loves you with all of her heart. She appreciates all you are trying to do for her but no matter how ready you are to move it is still a hard thing to do. Her home has been her security and her little nest for many, many years. Just gently take things with her one baby step at a time and it will all work out great :angel:

[Annie2]

Sandy,

It sounds as though you now have a solid and good plan for how you are going to approach this situation. Once you have gathered and filtered all the information, you can present it to your mother, help her thoroughly check out her options and she can make her decision. Then you can help her formulate her plan for making the move. How fortunate she is to have you to stand by her and support her through this transition!!! That will be such a HUGE help to her! It is a big decision to make and not easy to uproot yourself and start anew in an unfamiliar place. Doing it by yourself is extremely difficult. Knowing she has your help and total support will make it all so much easier for your mother.

When you talk on the phone with her it sounds like she really pours her heart out to you and tells you her true feelings and desires to be closer to you. I'd be willing to bet the minute she hangs up the phone she looks around and wonders to herself how on earth she will ever be able to do all the work involved to make this happen. And she very likely worries about putting the burden on you. You have your family and physical problems to deal with and she doesn't want you to feel you have to do it all. By helping her devise a plan on how to make this happen, finding resources like a realtor and movers who can do the physical work, etc, she will feel so relieved of the worries about how to accomplish this. She will be moving to a place SHE has chosen, a place she has visited and is familiar with, a place where she can be safe and comfortable, make new friends in her own age group, get involved in activities that interest her and have her own life. She will have the advantage of being close to you without feeling like she is a burden to you. I think that is something we who are mothers of adult "children" always worry about. We don't EVER want to feel we might be a burden to our children.

Especially because of the situation you have described with your sister, there is one more thing I would suggest you encourage and help your mother to do (if she hasn't done so already). That suggestion would be for your mother, now while she has her full faculties and is of clear mind, to meet with an attorney she truly trusts. She could review her will with the attorney and make sure her desires are very clearly spelled out. It would be important for her to make VERY clear to the attorney her desires about this move; that it is HER choice. She should also make clear to them what her choice would be for any future health care needs that might arise. If she hasn't already done so, she should have the attorney draw up a Power of Attorney and Durable Power of Attorney for Medical Decisions so there is no misunderstanding about who will make medical and financial decisions for her if she is unable to do so for herself. She could give that POA to you or to anyone else she trusts and chooses (like the attorney....not a bad idea to use an attorney for POA if there is any possible chance of future family squabbles as it takes the pressure off the family members and all choices are made by an unbiased party who has nothing but your mother's best interests at stake). An alternate POA should also be named in case the first person is unable to serve. The attorney can guide her to make sure all legal issues are covered. Since your mother may be moving from one state to another, it would be important to determine where this documentation should be executed and that all issues are covered under the laws of both states. An attorney can advise her on how and where this all should be done. Once all legal issues are covered, your sister can bluster and fuss all she wants but it won't do her any good. She won't be able to pull any stunts as you fear she might try.

What a blessing the relationship you and your mother have is to both of you!!! How proud she must be of the wonderful daughter you are!