Feeling really down.

[IC SARAH-CPP]

Hi my fellow Icers,

Sorry I havent posted on here for awhile but I have just been feeling really down. I do read everyone elses posts often but just havent felt like posting. I just feel so weird, really happy sometimes and really sad others.

I also get this feeling of worry that I have never had before. Like I just start to really worry about my future and life and my marriage. I try to calm myself down but it doesnt always work.

I do love Hawaii but I hate living with my in-laws. I miss California only b/c i miss my family so very much. Well and the restaurants and food prices! 6.50 for a gallon of milk is pretty steep! I feel so torn. I feel lonely in HI and then come to California and feel terribly lonely and miss Hawaii!. Is that normal for those of you that have moved often?

I also dont know if I should even post this next thought b/c I dont want to offend anyone. PLEASE know this is just MY thoughts and MY feelings on how I should live my life but I feel like a loser for not working. I am still bringing in income from other places so financially I am okay, even if I am using some of my savings. But I dont feel like I am contributing anything to society and some days I feel soooo lazy. And when people ask me what I do I am so ashamed to say I dont work! I have always been very high energy, success oriented and now I am afraid I will never do anything with my life! I know this sounds stupid but I feel like it is already too late for me, Im 26!

There are just so many other things, I could write a book but I know that would bring anyone down. I just wanted to at least get this off my chest. I feel like I am just pretending every single day and I wonder why people around cant tell I am drowning?

Sarah

[sandymarie]

Hi Sarah'

Soo sorry you are feeling sad and down. I think we all know where you are coming from. It is so depressing when you want to do something, but don't feel like doing anything. You are not alone. Ic work hard on a person's emotions and feelings. You are worth a whole lot, There is a plan for you and I am sure you will find that things will look up as you go . I look for a new message every morning on this site, It just feels good to know that someone know or acknowledges that you a alive. I read the post most days too. Sometines I have such big plans and then end up doing nothing. Please don't give up on yoursellf things can change and prayerfully they will soon find a cure for ic. That is my hope everyday, especially for the younger ones. Ic is hard on a marriage, the persoon who has it and their mate, and children. The only thing that helps me is to watch a funny movie or just maybe spend time listening to some uplifting music. Hope you feel better soon.

J.J.

[leelee88]

Oh Sarah,
I really believe the feelings you are having are something we have all felt at one time or another.. Esp us who have a disease like IC..I have many times felt like a failure because I cannot work, but hun it is not our fault that our bodies have broken down and we are not alone. There are so many more people out there who want to work just like us, but honestly just cant..So please dont let that get you down, that is not your fault at all!!!
You mentioned you would like to write a book,well I think that would be a great idea and it would also keep you busy and keep your mind off things. So you might try that. I know writing is great therapy..I wish you luck and I sure hope you start feeling better soon(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))

Ronda

[Briza]

HI Sarah:hi:
I am sorry you are feeling so down. Lots of changes in your life, lately, and moving someplace new,even to such a beautiful place like Hawaii, is one of the most stressful things to do. I can imagine it's difficult living with you in-laws, too. I'm sure both you and your husband would be much rather have a place of your own. :grouphug: I am prone to depression myself, so I won't tell you get out there and do things, that that will make you feel better. First off, your IC may not be letting you, and secondly, I know when I'm depressed, often getting out there and doing thing does not make me feel better. Sometimes it does, but it takes a lot of work for me to get out the door! I do work, but worried a lot about my job this year, because of a big flare, I was reassigned to a different position because of my absences, same pay, but still it was very traumatic for me, as it came as a big surprise. I now worry, what is the next step? Will they get rid of me completely? I know this is not true, but being depressed and sick makes these thoughts go thru my mind and I wonder what I would do if I really couldn't work? You are so young to be going thru this, I have kept up with your posts, I know your IC is bad :(, but I have high hopes for you that your IC will get better:pray: , allow you to work, or volunteer, something that you like to do and can do. Maybe there are some different doctors or things you can try with natural healing in Hawaii? I don't know, I haven't been there, but it's just a thought. Can you post a link to any pictures of the area where you live or places you have visted? Would love to see, I'm sure everybody would! Big hugs:angel:

[Kara29]

Dear Sarah,

The moving situation and feelings that you are going through with it do happen to others. I've done the move thing and I have the exact same feelings.....The work thing....you contribute to us and we LOVE YOU! I'm 31 and in the same boat. Maybe it's time to talk to someone about these feelings so that you can work on ways of coping with them.

I'm sorry you are feeling so down. I wish there was more I could say but all I can think of is that you are not alone.

Kara

[IC SARAH-CPP]

Thank you everyone. Sniff sniff!
I feel so bad because there are days I just dont feel like posting on here and I know others need support and it just sucks!
I just hate being the sick one and saying AGAIN that I dont feel well! I just cant stand it. I also lost my insurance for 9 days and this resulted in not being able to get any of my meds and I got sooooo sick. I hate the fact that I have to take medicine everyday or I get terribly sick. Withdrawals are like the worst thing on earth. I have insurance again now but I am paying dearly for it.
I know exactly what you mean about everything being so tough when you are down Briza. I feel so lazy sometimes. I used to scoff at people who watched a lot of TV and now I watch a ton of it!
I hope that things go okay with your job though Briza. One thing I dont regret at all is not working in a job like my last one. I made a ton of money but it wasnt worth it, at all. The stress nearly killed me. but the bills have to be paid somehow! And being married to an artist I am the one who makes the money.
I have been wondering how you were Kara? Are you hanging in there? I checked your blog the other day to see how things were going for you. I hope you are okay.
I have also been following your case Ronda and I am furious about how they have been treating you. The only thing I can say is dont give up. I know that is easier said than done. I went through the same pain mgmt nightmare before I found my wonderful doctor.
I am going to take your advice JJ and watch a good movie! That always does distract me! Thank you.
Love Sarah

[amartaingirl]

i hate my job
i hate my job
i hate my job

everyday i wish i could afford to be you.


you should look into a home based businesses.
you know..sell mary kay...or candles..or something
just something to keep you busy

your own schedule
small income
get out of the house a while

there has got to be alot of lonely military wifes out there.

i dont sell anything..but i sure buy alot of it.
i love that stuff!
i need a new marykay lady anyway

[charmedx3]

Hi Sarah, I hope you are feeling a little better. We are all here for each other. Sometimes it helps just to say what you are feeling or put it on paper/email and it helps. If you keep it bottled up inside you it doesn't help you feel any better just worse! Which island are you on? my father in law is in Hilo. We tried to get over there this year but just not able to with work schedules and of course money. Hang in there!

[SandyRN]

Sarah, you know I've been following your posts for a long time now, and you deserve some rest...mental and physical. You've had so many ups and downs, its no wonder that you're feeling the way you are right now. Moving, especially to basically a different CONTINENT, is one of life's most challenging, and stressful events. I'd be more worried about you if you didn't have some emotional issues going on right now.

If it keeps on, even after you're more settled and used to living in Hawaii, then I do think you should see someone. There's no shame in needing someone to talk to. I've been to a therapist several different times in my life, usually concerning my love life. It's a bit strange to begin with, but after a while it feels really good to talk to someone who is on the outside and can see things in a less judgemental way than someone who lives with you or is in your family.

I think you are a very brave and strong woman who has hit a few bumps in life. You'll come out of this ok, I know you will.

Have some faith in yourself...it's HARD not working. I struggle with it every single day of my life. I am my own worst enemy because I have a hard time feeling functional and that I do contribute to society in my own way...for me, it's raising 3 wonderful children who I know will be an asset to this world. You have to find what your role is, what makes you feel important, useful, etc.

You're not crazy...just think back to where you were 6 or 12 months ago and look how far you've come since then. I see you as a strong woman who can handle the worst that life has to offer! You're an inspiration whether you know it or not!

Hugs, Sandy

[IC SARAH-CPP]

Charmed, we are actually only about 30 mins from Hilo! That is where we do all our shopping and try to get in to civilation, lol! I can imagine it is expensive to come over with a whole family. The only time to do it is Oct-May, then it gets to be about twice as much.
Berkshire, I am on Effexor but have to admit that sometimes I dont take it like i should. It is so hard to get through the pharmacy that I sometimes have to go a little while without taking it. It never really did anything for me anyway. I was on celexa before that and it really did nothing.
I am trying to just hang in there and end up with some pretty good days.
Thank you all for caring.
Sarah

[SandyRN]

We posted at exactly the same time! :)

[IC SARAH-CPP]

Thank you sandy. We must have been posting at the same time,loL! YOu are one of the people I look to and admire who doesnt work outside the home. You are lucky you have your kids, they must keep you sooo busy though, lol! Another thing I didnt want to go in to in my post is that we, hubby and I, are now raising his sisters son, since we moved to Hawaii. She hasnt taken care of him since he was 8 months old and he is 10 now. It breaks my heart. She lives only 10 mins away too.
It is so hard for me b/c I have never had a child before or even taken care of one. And this poor thing has soooo many problems b/c of his neglect. He is 5th grade but reads at a 1st grade level, he can barely do math, and he is about 65 pounds overweight! I have been working so hard with him but everytime I turn around, someone is undermining me with him. They make me feel mean for giving him chores and expecting him to eat heathy food. It has been really hard on me and I dont know what to do. It is so very hard. I envy all you parents out there, it is the hardest thing in life, I think.
ANyway, I had a great therapist here in CA and now I need to find someone over there but there is such a shortage of doctors I dont know how that will work. I will try though.
Thank you Sandy. I appreciate your advice and concern.
Sarah

[SandyRN]

It sounds like a GOOD thing that you are setting boundaries and have expectations of this child. He's got to learn responsibility from somewhere and you'd be remiss if you DIDN'T make him accountable for chores, etc. He has so much to learn. Honestly, he sounds like a very lucky kid to have you in his life.

If it comes down to it you may want to put him in counselling. I went with my daughter when she was having those "cutting" issues. It helped her so much, and now she's thriving, worrying about which outfit to wear and how her hair should be cut. All the things a girl her age should worry about!

After all the crap that life has handed this kid, he probably has no idea how to handle someone telling him what to do and when to do it. He's had no stability in his life...and now that he's got it he just doesn't know how to act...but one thing I can tell you for sure is that ALL kids, neglected or not, actually LIKE having chores and routines where they know exactly what is expected of them.

Routine is the most important thing, at least I think it is....bedtime is the same EVERY night, dinner is served at about the same time, give or take 30 minutes, on this day we do this, on that day we do that, and this is what you can or can NOT get away with while you're living with me.

I'm kind of rambling but I hope this makes sense. If you've ever got any ?'s pm me...My youngest is a boy and he's 12....so I hope I've got some of my own life experiences that I can share with you if you ever need a shoulder.

Big hugs, you're doing a good thing!

[Trishann]

Sarah you have really been through so many changes and that itself can cause stress and depression. People here gave you some good advice and hopefully time will help you through all of these changes.

I just here to give you a "BIG HUG"
Hope things start getting less stressful for you, Trishann

[Babs RN]

Sarah,
First of all sweetie, we both have been through lots of ups and downs together these past few years. You my dear, are a strong vital person. Take the chance to rest while you are not working and maybe you'll find another life's calling. Who knows? Maybe business is not your life's work and you are destined to do something great. Maybe a class or two at UH Hilo or Hawaii Community College to do something you've never done before. I think you would be great doing something in the healing arts yourself. Really. I'm not blowing aloha up your whoha, I'm serious. Hawaiian culture is so different than the mainland and it takes a while to adjust. About the time I liked living there, we moved. Now I long for it by watching Dog the Bounty Hunter so I can see the places on Oahu I hung out at in high school. Scary, eh? You are a saint for helping with your nephew. I know with Lindsey how important routine is. BTW, don't know if you saw but she is coming back to her Mama next week!:smile tee

Please give yourself some time and know I am always here, ok. Hang in there.

Lots of love,
Barb:hi:

[IC SARAH-CPP]

Barb, I am SO happy to hear Lindsay is coming HOME to you. Is this a permanent arrangement? I really hope so for your sake.
I have been thinking about taking classes at the college near Hilo. I loved school and thought it would make me feel better to be doing something. That and I can get out of the house, away from the in-laws! I can imagine you would miss Hawaii, I already miss it when I leave there and I havent lived there long at all.
I have so much respect for all of you here who have kids. I knew I wasnt ready for children and taking care of my nephew is so hard but also can be rewarding. I just feel so sorry for him. What kind of future can a child like that have. I also just cant believe his mom just DOES NOT care about. My mom would do anything for me, and has, and most other moms I have met are the same way but she just isn't. She doesnt know anything about how he does in school, what he likes/dislikes, or just any of that stuff.
Thanks for backing me up Sandy. I DO feel mean sometimes but discipline isnt mean! Kids NEED boundaries and rules. I dont believe in being overly strict but come on, doing the dishes 2 times a week is NOT child abuse! I will take your advice about the routine though b/c I often feel him at different times and he will do his schoolwork at different times too. I would love to get him in counseling but so far I havent had any luck. He really is a sweet kid though. He hugs me so tight and tells me he loves me!
One positive thing is I read to him every night and he has become engrossed in Harry Potter. He begs me to keep reading when I am done. I figure it is a start, right?
I feel so much better already ladies. You guys mean so much to me and can cheer me up when no one else can! I am crying again, sniff sniff.
Sarah

[Kara Isabel]

Sarah,

I'm sorry you are feeling a little *blue* lately. I am familiar with that feeling. My first husband was military and we made several moves to different states and I always felt this emptiness and sadness when I left the place I was used to and in a strange town, faced with making new friends, doctors, learning my way around, etc.

But it DOES get better! I promise! Just give it a little more time and it will feel like home before you know it.

Big hugs,
Kara

[amartaingirl]

you know..these ladies on here...suggested i see a therapist.

i thought..a therapist can't help me...the problem is not IN my head
its in my bladder...

but i went anyway

and boy..it really helped!

and i found it neat to have someone pick at your brain
and we just talk.
she determined my mother was the root cause of all my problems..lol
go figure..
anyway so..as therapy..i had to write a letter to my mother and get it all out..off my chest, you know...(never mail it of course)...and it really helped.

evidently, the way we stress out over stupid crap..is not supposed to happen. .so once they figure out the root cause...face it..and move on

as a skeptic...i can tell you it helped me
and thank you ladies for suggesting it
couldnt hurt, right?

[Briza]

Hi Sarah,
I'm also in therapy and it has has helped me so much. As for your nephew, most schools have counselors and his situation with his mom would qualify as a high risk situation, at least here in Texas (I'm a teacher) and you could request counseling services through the school, and they should be free. I've found that the students who receive therapy from school counselors benefit from it a lot because it's not a teacher who is demading things from them..passing grades, discipline, etc., and they often deveop a special relationship with these counselors. I do, however, feel that professional counseling is better, but if the in school therapy can be used in addition to professional therapy, even better! You should give yourself a big bear hug for taking on the responsiblities of mothering and loving your nephew. Like Sandy said, parenting IS a job, and the most important one of all!
Best wishes!:)

[dancemomof2]

Sarah,

Sending you a big hug from the other end of the mild of know where.

I am by no mean qualified to say your depressed but it seems like you have had a complete world change slap you in the face. I would say in could take some time to adjust to this and I am sure some sad times will be involved. If you ever need anything from one small town mild of know where girl to another let me know.:pray:

[BrittanysDance]

Barb, I am SO happy to hear Lindsay is coming HOME to you. Is this a permanent arrangement? I really hope so for your sake.
I have been thinking about taking classes at the college near Hilo. I loved school and thought it would make me feel better to be doing something. That and I can get out of the house, away from the in-laws! I can imagine you would miss Hawaii, I already miss it when I leave there and I havent lived there long at all.
I have so much respect for all of you here who have kids. I knew I wasnt ready for children and taking care of my nephew is so hard but also can be rewarding. I just feel so sorry for him. What kind of future can a child like that have. I also just cant believe his mom just DOES NOT care about. My mom would do anything for me, and has, and most other moms I have met are the same way but she just isn't. She doesnt know anything about how he does in school, what he likes/dislikes, or just any of that stuff.
Thanks for backing me up Sandy. I DO feel mean sometimes but discipline isnt mean! Kids NEED boundaries and rules. I dont believe in being overly strict but come on, doing the dishes 2 times a week is NOT child abuse! I will take your advice about the routine though b/c I often feel him at different times and he will do his schoolwork at different times too. I would love to get him in counseling but so far I havent had any luck. He really is a sweet kid though. He hugs me so tight and tells me he loves me!
One positive thing is I read to him every night and he has become engrossed in Harry Potter. He begs me to keep reading when I am done. I figure it is a start, right?
I feel so much better already ladies. You guys mean so much to me and can cheer me up when no one else can! I am crying again, sniff sniff.
Sarah

Sarah,

I just read your post and subsequent posts and although I dont know you because I'm new here I have to tell you that I applaud you in every way. You ask "what kind of future can a child like that have?" Honey - that child can have a BETTER future because YOU are in it - thats what kind of future he can have. He can have ANY future he desires because you are taking the time, love, nurturing, and place of his mother, showing him he is WORTHY of love, compassion, understanding and that he means something to someone.

You asked what your purpose was, that you felt like you were just "there" - yet you answered your own question sweetie. Your purpose is right in front of you. Had you not moved to Hawaii, that little boy would not have a fighting chance in hell to know what true love and compassion is. :grouphug: Is there a Boys and Girls Club locally that you may be able to enroll him in? Usually they arent very expensive and perhaps that is the best way to get him involved with other children and physically started on a fitness program, as well as introducing him to more positive role models in his life so that he can see he CAN be whatever he wants to be in life? There are people who donate their time once or twice a week who will devote an hour or 2 to him and him alone (become his "big brother") that he can call and meet on designated play days, just like you would meet your best friend for coffee and a chat - he would be able to do that too. Another "father figure" sort of thing. That way you and your husband can catch a little breather too and someone else can sort of fill in and help him to learn different things too, especially respect and responsibility and accountability, but moreso - trust and compassion. Just an idea.

Keep doing what you're doing and look at your situation from another angle. You're doing a great job and should be commended - I applaud you and your husband! And..agree with the others too -it never hurts to talk to a therapist or counselor either because sometimes, we just need to talk about things to a stranger who is unbiased and doesnt know us - that way we cant be "judged" in any way, shape or form.

Keep up the great work and feel better soon, you're doing great!

Brittany

[tigger_gal]

Sara,
sending you really big hugs and lots of good vibes,

[IC SARAH-CPP]

Wow, thank you so much for the post Brittany! That really made my day. I know I have heard lots of parents say they have so doubts about whether they are parenting right but I just didnt know the doubts would be so strong and worriesome!
I also wanted to clarify that in my post i said I FEEL him at different times but I meant I FEED him at different times! I dont go around feeling him, lol. Not that that is funny really.
That is an awesome suggestion about the girls and boys club. I am going to have my hubby look in to that right away. You are right, it would be nice for us to have a little breather every once in awhile.I just lined up a tutor for him for the summer and he is going to summer school, so I am hoping that will give him a little boost for next year. I also had a conference with his teacher before I left and she seemed encouraged by the progress he was making. He has moved up one grade level in reading, which is great.
I do have a kinda general question for all the parents on here? I know this is a hard issue but how do most of you feel about TV watching? I have tried to severely restrict his TV and most of all, his video games but my girlfriend said those things can be helpful if you are careful about what they watch? I know everyone has different opinions but I was just curious about how others felt.
Leslie and Tigger, thank you so much for the kind words. Like I said, I feel so much better already! I love all you ladies.
Sarah