when is it really ready to become parents???

[Sunflower2]

I hear people saying "you know the time when you are ready..." (like marriage, or kids). What does this mean when people really say " being ready "? Is it the times when people can live thier lives with single income without worrying about money all the time??? or is it the times when people are mentally, physically, emotinally mature enough to take care of thier responsibilities???

My hubby and I have been married for over 4 years now. Now everybody keeps asking us when we have our kids, especially my hubby's parents. I know that they are dying to see a grandkid from us.My hubby told me about his parents story about how they had my hubby. I think our generation is lot different from back then. I don't think we can apply the same situation to his parents when it comes to bring a child into the world. I know that my hubby is dying to become a parent. However, I don't think he's ready for that responsibility yet. The reason why I am saying is that my hubby has been so streessed about his job lately, and now he wants to go back to his old job. That means that we'll have less money coming in, so our financial situation will be very uncertain. He can barely manage job stress. If he cannot really manage his job stress, how can he manage a kid??? I know that I shouldn't be so negative about him. Our plan was to become parents before hit 30. My hubby is 30 and I am 28(will be 29 soon). I know that we cannot plan everything. Plans change all the time. I am sure everybody goes through different choices every day.

Well... last night, I had a talk with my hubby about my starting another contraceptive method pretty soon.The reason that I want to start to this contaceptive thing is ... I think we are definetly NOT ready for a kid yet because neither of us has a career. We have JOBs, but not a CAREER. Do you know what I mean??? I' ve been thinking about giving up my dream about going back to school to support my hubby. If we have to chose being parents, I think we need to sacrifice something instead. Yes, I heard people saying " we got it all!!!! " I know some people are very fourtunate to have a life like that. I know what I am capable of, and what my limitations are. I am NOT a superwoman. I cannot do it all unlike some pople.

what do you think about your decisions when it comes to become parents???or people who have kids already, what was your experience when you became parents??? Were you ready?? or you weren't ready, but somehow managed???

[GriffsMommy]

We were emotionally ready and mature enough to have kids. Could we have had more money? Oh yea, lots more money, money was tight, I'm not going to lie. But I have to admit, in this day and age a lot of people will never be totally financially ready for a child. I was totally ready to have Griffin though and I'm happy that I did everyday. Don't do it if you don't think you're ready, but you may NEVER be ready in every area of your life.

[tigger_gal]

Aya,
You answered your own question... You have to look at the very big picture. You said he is not responsibile, that right there is a big issue, if he is not you will have all the work in the child department. Which most women are any way. If he cannot manage job stress, what is a screaming baby going to do at 2 am when he needs to get up for work at 6. My hubby really is not stress control, but he is 47, and I am 41 we took in my 22 month old nephew, and there is a new born to come into our lives in August. These children ar my nieces kids. Mine is grown and going to college, and it is hard.. you are nearly 29 he is 30, the older you get the less patience you have. If you are waiting to afford a child, that day may never come. ot to be mean but most of us here live pay check to pay check. We didn't wait for the money to be rolling in, it may never either.
Then you have the job issue, he wants to go back to the old want, and the income is uncertian. You are more interested in a career, then having a child , thats ok, there is nothing wrong with that.. You know what you want and you are trying to make that dream come true, move forward with that..
I think you know, that children are not in the near future for you, and you really did answer your own question about how do you know? you really will know when you are ready..
sending you big hugs...

[Cardholic]

My (recently) ex-husband and I had kids right after we got married. I was 25 and he was 32 when we got married. Ryan was born exactly 1 year and 2 weeks after our 1st anniversary. I was ready to have kids right away, and he wanted to wait... well I got pregnant, so there was our answer. I think he always resented that we had kids so soon. Don't get me wrong, he loves the kids and was a good father.

As far as money goes, we didn't have any then, and we don't have any now. Your financial situation certainly does NOT get better when you have kids! We made sacrafices so I could stay home and take care of them when they were little.

If you are waiting for financial changes, they may never come... If you are waiting for emotional changes, they may never come... I think people grow up when they have children... When you see that little person that you created, it's amazing... And that alone can bring the emotional change in a person.

I guess I'm one of those people who don't want to wait to have the life that I want... I want life to happen now... I've always lived that way :smile tee (probably why I still don't have money :lmao:) But I have a good, happy life :woohoo:

Anyway, I dont want to persuade you one way or another, I just wanted to give you my experience. Good luck with your decision... Whatever you do, it will be the right one for you and your hubby... There are no accidents!

[ihurttoo]

I cant answer this for others, but I can tell you about our situation. We got married when we were 27. We were both settled into our careers, and made decent money, but he wanted kids and I didnt. I dont mean I didnt want them right then. I mean I didnt want them EVER! I just didnt have that maternal gene that some women had that made them smile and coo at babies, and wistfully look at Pampers commercials. Not me! But, my husband thought he could convince me, and it took him 2 yrs.

After two years, we were 29, and getting to the "peeing or getting off the pot" point in the whole having children descision. He begged and pleaded and told me he'd do everything..he would change all the diapers, get up in the middle of the night for the feedings, and everything else I didnt want to do. So, I reluctantly agreed. We got pregnant within 6 mo.

Even while I was pregnant, I felt nothing..nada, zilch, zip...nothing. No maternal instincts kicked in at all! Of course we didnt tell anyone this but my Mom, best friend, and my husband knew. Truthfully, we were all pretty worried that it wouldnt kick in at all. But, as soon as he came, and I saw his face and held him in my arms, it finally kicked in. And I never wanted anything more in my entire life! I know it is cliche' but it is cliche for a reason, it is totally different after you have one.

After that, it was ME that wanted another one, but I had IC and severe endo and adhesions by this point, plus my 1st prengnacy was terrible, (toxemia). So, we kept waiting for me to get better to have the 2nd and I never got better and then, we tried anyway, but I couldnt b/c the endo had already left me with secondary infertility.

Now, my little boy will be 6 in a few weeks, and I am the woman looking wistfully at babies, (and crying in supermarkets when I see them.) I am the one cooing at them and I am the one who's heart is filled with longing at Pampers commercials.

I dont know if you will get anything out of any of that or not. But, if there is a point, I guess it is that you never know a person, (sometimes even yourself)until you have a child. It truly changes everything!

I am sure that you will both come up with the choice and timing that is right for you. I wish I could answer this for you, but I think it something that no one can really tell you.

Sending hugs,
Amy

[shvlnose]

For me the marriage thing (and sort of the baby thing) was like a light bulb. My husband and I had been blissfully unmarried for 10 years. One day it was like a switch went off. I wanted to be married. NOW! I didn't want a wedding, I wanted to be married. So we did - just to 2 of us at city hall. Heck, his family still has no idea we're actually hitched.

For kids it was sort of the same. If you wait until you're "financially ready" you will wait forever. There will ALWAYS be some other milestone you want to reach before you give up your money for a kid.

Emotionally it's another story. We thought we didn't want kids. Other people's kids were fine, but it was good to hand them back at the end of the day. I never felt that whole biological clock thing. Then about a year and a half ago we both just sort of said "Yep, now we're ready. This could be good." It took me 6months to get my IC vs pregnancy plan in place, talk to doctors, switch meds, etc... Then we started trying. It took 10 months. I'm 35 years old now almost 10 pregnant and looking forward to being a mom.

If you use finances as your measure, you will continue to wait. And wait. The maturity/responsibility thing though... that's a good one to have under control. If you are emotionally not in a place where you really want kids right now... wait. You probably have some time to decide. And you're right. Plans change. The plan may have been to have kids at 30, but maybe you will feel ready at 32 instead.

Hang in there!:grouphug:
Aly

[tigger_gal]

congrats Aly...

[stac7_8]

No one can really tell u when u will b ready 2 have kids. But the fact is that u r asking 4 advise and well this is mine...........I don't truly believe that anyone is "ready" for kids. First off they do not come with a handbook. I don't believe that you will really ever have "enough" money.

Please don't get me wrong, I love all of my children but the truth is that kids are just that kids. There are days when I just want to kiss and hug my kids all day long and then there are days that I just want a break for myself.

I had my first child at 20yrs old. My son, Brandon was unplanned but I tell everyone that he is my ment to be child. We used condoms and I was on the pill so go figure that one. I married his father but things just did not work out between us. So got divorced and then I met Marc. Marc and I fell for each other and talked about having children and well now we have a beautiful daughter who will be 3 on Saturday and a wonderful baby boy who is 7 months.

I have been on both ends of it. Unplanned and planned. This is the lil bit of advise that I have for you. First of all ask yourself are you in love with your partner? Do you....not when...but do you want children? If you answer yes to that question then what are you afraid of? Write down on a piece of paper what your honest answer is to that.

Whatever your answer to that may be, I'm sure that your husband can help you threw whatever it is. You mentioned that you think he can't handle the stress of a child. Why not ask a friend that has a child....like a baby....and keep him/her for the weekend. I know you might say well we have to give the baby back so he might be able to do it for the weekend. But the thing here is you won't really know unless you try it out. Find a friend that has a baby that is teething or one that is spoiled to the arms. Basically one that cries alot......:rolleyes: This will test him out trust me. If he seems to just throw his hands up and say babe I can't deal with this or call so and so have them pick up this kid...then u will have a vaild discusion on your hands.

Well good luck to you on which ever venture you take on. Remember 1 thing love goes a very long way. Have a nice weekend

[Sunflower2]

First of all, thank you all for sharing your thoughts on my post. You guys gave me really good insights.:)
Many of you already said that, if we wait till financial security comes to our lives, our family plan may never come. However, emotionally,mentally, and physically, I think I am more ready than before. Looking back a year or two, I was pretty sure that I wasn't capable of being a mother because of my emotional state and my IC/PFD situation. Now things are totally different. Honestly, I didn't think I was able to feel this better so soon. I guess God answered my prayer finally. My sex life with hubby has been really great lately. At one point, I was totally giving up on having a kid because of my IC. I even told my hubby that I didn't want to have sex with him EVER AGAIN!!! I know... I was awful:( Just like Amy mentioned about not having a maternal gene, I was the same way. I didn't want to have kids ever. However, somehow I changed. Lately I found myself looking at kids wherever I go. This is totally surprizing to me. I was asking myseylf..." does this mean ...I have a maternal gene that I didn't feel before??? " I think all these changes are God's message saying " I am ready to be a mother. " I know my hubby wants to be a father. I believe that he'll be a great father just like he is a great husband. I think I will let the nature take its course whaterver happens to our lives..we'll deal with it. I remeber once my mother told me... if I want something in a life, I have to create an opportunity instead of opportunities to come to me. Sometimes, opportunities can pass you by without even realized.

[traceann]

Aya, I am glad to hear that you seem to have worked your way through the decision!! I am dealing with that sort of thing right now. I am 38, and really want to have kids. Hubby is the one who's terrified of the financial aspect, and I am the one to keep telling him, "honey, we'll never be financially ready! No one ever is!". But it's funny, as much as I want kids, there's still that bit of selfishness in me too!! Ugh. It's a catch-22 really. And I figure I probably wouldn't be human if I didn't have that bit of selfishness - I'd be a martyr, lol!!!

But I have wanted kids ever since I was about 18 - good thing I didn't listen to my fiance of the time and just go ahead and get pregnant before we got married (he really wanted kids), that would have been a disaster, since we broke up and never got married,lol. Then with my first marriage, we tried for 8-9 years, no birth control etc, but he had some fertility issues and I did at the time (not ovulating regularly), so I figure it was meant to be. I was meant to have them with my hubby now, as soon as we started dating my cycles became regular - it was like overnight, lol.

So, last doctor visit I talked to my internist about what medications had to be changed around, etc. She wants me on prenatal vitamins for at least 3 months prior to trying, she figured if I have the luxury of planning, might as well stack the odds in my favor! ;) So, we'll see. I hope to start trying this fall, but I just take it one day at a time. I learned making "plans" never works, lmao!! Not for me anyway, otherwise I would have had kids by now....LOL ;)

I just know it's never an "easy" decision to make really, when you have the luxury of making the decision (sometimes I think the "oops babies" are the best!! No time for fear or worry in some areas!!! :) ).

Sounds like you've given it tons of thought, and I thank you for making the post - I learned and benefitted a lot from reading the mommy answers!!!! ;)

[Sunflower2]

I just take it one day at a time. I learned making "plans" never works, lmao!! Not for me anyway,

Tracey, I agree with you. Sometimes it's better not to plan anything. Just let it happen and deal with it, which turns out to be the best decision for certain situations. You know what..I think most mothers don't get enough credit for what they do. When I was young, I was thinking that being a mother and raising kids at home was a loser's job:bonk: Now I know that wasn't a true. I am very grateful for what my mother did to me. She raised three kids and still manages family business at the same time. Not to mention that, she even took care of ill grandparents. I think my mother is a superwoman to me:woohoo:

[ABliske]

I wish you the best of luck. If you feel emotionally and physically ready, I don't think you should worry about he finances too much! It will all work out like others here have said. There are lots of cute baby clothes at 2nd hand stores because kids outgrow them so fast.
I know child care can be very expensive though. That's one of the things holding me back from having kids. I'm 26 and my husband is 33. We will probably wait a while to have kids. I have a lot of pain and can't imagine going without my meds.
My in-laws are putting a lot of pressure on us to have kids too. It really isn't their decision. My mother-in-law already has 2 grandkids and so I don't really understand her urgency for another one. Well, she has kind of pushed my sister-in-law away with telling her how to raise the kids.
If you can work part time and have a family member care for the baby in the day that would work out fabulous I think. I am hoping I won't have to work full time when I have a baby. Housing is sooo expensive in Santa Cruz, where I live, that I don't think we can swing that.
I can definitley relate to your post. I am a little more on the side of waiting, but I hope you and your husband do go for it! If not right now, then soon. Good luck with the pregnancy when it happens!!!!

[ICNJess]

Here's my two cents...

If everyone waited till they were financially sound to have kids, well, we'd be having kids when we were under the line for menopause!!! (Just my opinion...)

My husband and I are by no means at all financially secure at this point in our lives, but we are getting there. We're hoping to build our first home next year or 2009. The decision to have our daughter was based on the fact that our marriage was wonderful...but something--or should I say someone--was lacking.

We wanted to have our daughter more than anything and one day God granted our request! Things are tight at times, diapers aren't cheap and formula wasn't either...but we've made it work and we're making it work, and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat, with even less money. My daughter has never wanted for anything. Sure, I would've liked to get a newer car sooner than our plan, but that little face with the big blue eyes is more than worth it all.

Everyone thought my husband and I were young...I'm 24, he's 25...but I think if you're mature enough and your marriage is strong enough and you trust your mate completely with every aspect of your life, it'll work, regardless of what age.

[stacey79]

Thanks for starting this thread! I've been wondering the same thing. My hubby and I were high school sweethearts and dated for five years before getting married nearly eight years ago when we were 20 and 22. When we were first married, we were both still in college and knew that wasn't the right time to have kids.

We would like to have kids while we're still relatively young, but I'm turning 28 on Friday and he turns 30 on Saturday. Not that that's ancient by any means, but we both realize the time is getting closer. We've talked about it off and on. Lately we've talked more seriously than ever before. We'll see.

It's great to hear from you guys who have been there, done that. And it's also great to hear from others in situations similar to mine. We are certainly getting pressure from the in-laws and others. My brother's wife is pregnant, so that helps with my side. Her shower isn't until July and I'm already dreading the, "So when are you going to have kids?" questions that will be flying around. I need to think of a good reply.

Anyway, the post is a great idea. I don't really have anyone I can talk with about this. My mom and mother-in-law aren't the best sources since they're a little biased. And none of my friends are married, yet, let alone considering children.

[ABliske]

Hope you have a happy birthday Stacey!!! I just threw a baby shower for my friend and it brought up a bunch of different feelings. I am absolutely thrilled for her, but at the same time, I couldn't help the twinges of jealousy that kept creeping up. On the actual day, I had a blast, but I had sort of hoped I would be pregnant along with her. I got married a year before her and she got pregnant on her honeymoom and already has a baby now.
I also wished it was me and my hubby after I saw her and her happy little family in the delivery room. All in all though, I really am glad we are waiting. I will still be fertile for many years and by the time we do have kids we'll be more prepared. And I think that the waiting will only make me appreciate our children more.
What do you say to the when question? To people I know well I say the IC is holding me back and to people I don't know I just say it's that we just bought a house. Both are true. I am tired of the question though. I don't ever ask anyone that anymore.
Do any of you work with kids? I'm considering it and would like to get some insite. I like the fact that I can relate to peers in my job, but I love
kids. My sister has 8, but I don't get to see them often because they live in other state.

[stacey79]

I don't work with kids, except for college students when I teach once a year, but I'm guessing that's not what you had in mind.

As far what to say when people ask about having kids, my response used to be that I was in school then it was that I'd let my brother go first since he's four years older. Now that won't work. I'm still trying to think of a good answer. My hubby and I were talking about that the other night. If I come up with something good, I'll certainly share. Sometimes it just drives me nuts that people ask stuff like that. I'd really like to say, "When are you going to learn to mind your own business?" but I'm too nice for that. I've certainly thought it before, though!

[Sunflower2]

Stacey, I am with you when people start asking this " when you have your kids? " question. I wish they could just leave us alone and mind thier own business. I wish you have a good birthday :birthday: It seems as if everybody were born in May. I have three birthdays to celebrate this week. Three days in a row...:rant: of course, I have to get 3 birthday presents. Not to mentioned that mother's day is coming up soon. So another present that I have to buy....I hate another expenses that I hadn't planned. I was working on my budget for this month. Then... my hubby told me " honey, we have birthdays to go to." :cussing: Well.... I just have to deal with whatever life brings to our lives.

[melanie626]

I dont' know if I am ready, I actually think we aren't or wish we had waited, but at 35 and my hubby with diabetes I so though I would have problems, well, 3 mo and one pregnancy later, I guess not. We are happy but I am still in shock.

I think you guys will know when you are ready to handle it, but I hear from all friends, you will never be ready 100%. Unless you are some odd TV Movie of the week, no ones life has all portions neat and tidy, there is always something. I think people make it work, regardless of goals- you just have to prioritze what is important at the time.

Ask people when they ask if your having kids "why do you want to know" that always puts people in their place when asking borderline questions.

Good luck-
Melanie

[stacey79]

Good comeback suggestion with "Why do you want to know?" That's such a tricky question and just so darn rude.

Because I married my high school sweetheart, it has amused me that for so long my family wanted to make sure we weren't being intimate (we waited until we married). And now they want us to have kids. Just seems a little ironic.

Just wondering if you guys flip flop back and forth with this decision. One day, I think it sounds like a great idea to start trying. We're older, my bladder is behaving, whatever. Then the next day, I think, "No way we're ready." Anyone else do that? I'm wondering if you're ready when you no longer have times of doubting. Or does everyone doubt to a certain extent? When I got engaged and married, I never had a doubt that I was making the wrong decision. I guess I expect deciding to have children be the same way, but I'm not sure that's realistic.

[Sunflower2]

Stacey. I think we all had to go through "are we really ready for this? " stage at some point. I just remember one day, my IC/PFD was acting so badly..thinking myself " there is NO WAY that I am going to have a baby with this awful disease!!! if we have to have a baby, I'll go for an adaption:cussing: " ...then now I'm in totally different place. I do believe everything happens for a reason. I'm not happy to say that I have this awful IC/PFD thing in my life. I played a victim of this disease for a quiet sometime in the past, and still struggling with it. I was even angry at God for giving me this. I cried and cried until no more tears came out of my eyes. It was such a long journey to get to where I am now. Whenever I see my hubby with neighbor's kids, I cannot wait to see when we'll get one for ourselves. I remember my mom said to me one day.." you'll understand why we do the way we are when you become a parent " they are my inspiration:bunny:

[stacey79]

Thanks for sharing, Aya. I know it's not something you can ever be completely ready for. I do figure I ought to get to a point where I feel ready more often than I don't feel ready. Sometimes I think with big life decisions that it would be nice to get a note from God saying, "I want you to do this, this and this." BUt, I guess that would take faith out of it!