Hubby being a jerk

[GriffsMommy]

I do not know what is up with Shane (hubby). He has been acting very distant and kind of stand offish for the last day or so. I asked him what's wrong and he said something like he doesn't know but he is not acting normal. I think that it has something to do with me feeling like crap all the time. I was really really tired all day yesterday and in pain, I don't know if this is still from the anesthia from the hydro last Wednesday or what, but I'm still not feeling like myself. He made dinner last night because he knew I was feeling bad but when I came home and said I didn't feel well he made some snide comment about how he knew I was going to feel well in advance. He basically was saying that I ALWAYS feel bad so he isn't surprised. He makes me feel like I'm annoying him for feeling like crap all the time. :cussing: I wish that I felt better, I hate feeling like crap all the time and then he makes me feel bad on top of it. Sometimes he makes me feel like he doesn't believe that I feel bad all of the time, like I'm faking it.:mad: I just needed to vent, have to start work in a minute. Thanks for listening

[aprilmae]

Christine,

I am so sorry hubby is not being nice to you. I do know that men get frustrated when we feel bad and they can't do anything to help us and that comes out in a number of ways. Of course it is too easy for them to say I am frustrated at your illness and not feeling well not frustrated with you and your not feeling well. My boyfriend had to explain to me that he really has no reference point for feeling bad all the time since he never has. I also know that when I feel especially crappy I take some comment he makes and get way upset over it when it was just his man way of releasing stress.

I hope that makes sense - not feeling too great this morning so I may be totally confusing.

I really hope your day gets better.

In case I have never told you - Griffin is the cutest little guy! I love the pictures of him.

Lots of hugs,
April

[leelee88]

Christine..
You know men just can be royal pains in the butt.. Maybe its time you sit down with him and have a long talk...:angel: Hope you feel better soon (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

[ICNDonna]

It could also be that he's feeling helpless because he can't do anything to help you feel better. I remember when my Terry had three major surgeries within a one-month period. There were times when I was taking care of him that I honestly felt like screaming because it took so long for him to recover and I wanted him to be well.

If he's gentle and understanding most of the time, I would try to overlook it.

Sending gentle hugs,
Donna

[GriffsMommy]

Thank you all so much for the replies. You are right Donna, usually he is understanding and good to me. I know that he must be frustrated with me feeling sick all the time but it's even harder when you're the one who feels this way all the time. I'll try to have a talk with him tonight and figure out what's going on. I just wish I would hurry up and start feeling better, my bladder is driving me crazy again today!:cussing:
April, thanks for the hugs, ((((((((hugs)))))))))) right back at you since you're not feeling well today either. Thanks for the nice comments about Griffin, I do think he is rather cute but I'm just a little big biased, lol

[ICKIRSTI]

:angel: I am so sorry to hear that this is happening to you. I imagine that none of us are alone on that one. Guys always want to fix things. Even if there is NO possible way to fix something, they will still wish they could. So even if he is coming across negative, I am sure it is only because he really wishes with all of is heart that he could just fix you and make everything better. I think, it is very important to note that he went out of his way to cook for you. Again, this would be a prime moment to fake a smile, and thank him from the bottom of your heart. Saying something like, well I didn't feel so well, until I came home to you. JUst tell them what they want to hear and they really shouldn't complain..haha. I always find myself forcing on a smile, or going out to do something that I know I am not going to want to do. In a way, it is hard because, I find myself in situations in which I'd wish I had not gotten myself into. However, it does make me feel "more normal" just gritting through the pain and pretending I am fine for the day, or perhaps a moment. It also seems to frustrate them less, and ultimately lends more time for the sweet, gushy compassion that us female's never pass up. I hope that this helps you in some way! Wishing you all the health, love and happiness the world could ever offer! Warmest regards, and all the best.. P.L.U.R. :smile tee

[tigger_gal]

((((((((((((((((((Christine))))))))))))))))
my hubby sits here half the time looking like he just lost his best friend. I think alot of it is stress from work, and what we are going thru with the courts.
Men's minds just don't function like ours.

[RobinD]

I too am sorry about your hubby's reaction, but after being married for 30 plus years I have figured out that sometimes his moods have nothing to do with me. My husband and I discussed this a while back and sometimes men just feel grumpy and it has nothing to do with anything we have done. Also men always want to fix things and this is a situation he can't fix. I am sure he is very frustrated with it and also concerned about your health. I use to struggle with this because everytime I told him about some problem/feeling he would give advice or try to solve the problem, when all I wanted was a listening ear. Now when I just need the listening ear, I tell him that I just need him to be a "girlfriend" and listen to me. It usually always works and he understands that I don't want it solved just maybe sympathy for the situation or him to agree with me.

This was probably more advice than you even asked for, but keep hanging in there. Men get their feelings hurt alot more that we realize and we need to be more sensitive and not react but respond in love. (That at times is easier said than done) Tell him you love him and that he is best thing that ever happened to you! Men need alot more reasurrance of our love than anything!

Take care
Robin

PS April is right-Griff is doll!

[mary124]

If your husband is usually pretty good to you, then I would ignore it. Like Donna said, he probably just don't know what to do about your being in pain anymore! Sit down with him and have a good heart to heart talk with him and tell him how you feel.

[GriffsMommy]

(((((((((((Cindy)))))))))))))) thanks for the hugs! He didn't seem to bad when I called him on my first break. Still a little pissy though. We're having a deep freezer delievered today so lets see how that goes, it could put him in a better mood because we've really been wanting one or put him in a worse mood if the delivery doesn't go well with a toddler and puppy around, LOL. It's supposed to be delivered between 1-5pm so lets pray it comes after the kids get home from school so the boys can help with Griff and Buffy while it's being delivered.
BTW Cindy, I LOVE the new picture of you and Jake for your avatar, it is soooooo cute!!! :smile tee

[GriffsMommy]

I go to reply to Cindy and by the time I'm done (I'm at work) I have two more replies, LOL. Thanks Mary and Robin. I know you all are right. Robin I think I will talk to him tonight, you are right, he can be very insecure sometimes and sometimes when I feel really crappy I don't give him the attention that he needs. He's a stay at home daddy so it's hard for him sometimes, he spends all day alone with a 2 year old, a very cute and very spoiled 2 year old! I think I'm going to make an extra effort to be really loving and appreciative tonight and hopefully that will get him out of his funk. I know how hard it is on our men seeing us in pain all the time, and we all know that it's equally as hard to actually be in the pain all the time! Thank you all so much for being such a wonderful support system, I have no idea what I would do w/o this site, probably curl up in a ball and stay in the fetal position, LOL

[jen74]

Hi Christine.
I also have a very wonderful hubby. He is the best and soooo understanding. I actually did not think there was men out there as great as my husband before I met him. Your guy sounds like he is also great. I know my hubby gets frustrated because I am sick alot. I have been sick for almost 5 years with a bunch of health issues and now the IC. It seems like I keep getting a different organ attacked every year.
I can imagine It is very hard on our husband's having to have us sick all the time. They likely feel helpless just like we do. But I always ask myself if it were my man that was this sick, would I support him and be by his side, Yes I would because I love him more than life. There is nothing I would not do for him. I believe he feels the same way. Maybe you hubby is just in a bad mood as maybe he has a slight virus or just having a bad day. I know there are days when my husband's sinus'es are real bad, he gets in a real bad mood too, which is understandable. I would try not to worry so much. Maybe just ask him if he feels ok and that you notice he is acting down and that you are just concerned about him. I am sure things are fine.
Jen

[mary124]

I know my husband can be a jerk as well when he wants too! But most times he is very caring! We have been married for 24 years and I think I have been sick for just about 22 of those years with one thing or another! For the last handful of years, its mainly my IC, I work fulltime and between pain and just being tired, I come home from work and I want to go to bed, I don't want to be touch or anything ( of course, he doesn't understand this!! but he does in his own way- if you know what I mean). Last night we came home from work and he saw how tired I was so he ran me a nice bath and pull the covers down and told me to go to bed when I'm thru. He told the girls (the doggies) to move and not to distrub mom (our kids are all grown up -- they still live at home (ages 18/22). But with all the stuff he does for me, I know that he loves me in his own way, as he has said over and over he married me for better or worse, in sickness and health.

[GriffsMommy]

That's very sweet Mary, I think that Shane's feelings are a little hurt because I've been in so much pain I haven't been spending a lot of time with him. He is making dinner again tonight and told me to come right home after work because dinner would be waiting for me :smile tee He is a good hubby I just hate it when he gets like this, it could also be because he wants "lovin" if you know what I mean, he gets pissy when he doesn't get that a lot too but then right afterwards when he sees that I'm in pain from doing it he feels really guilty. It's like he's mad if he doesn't get it but then feels really bad when he did get it because it makes me hurt:loco:

[dancemomof2]

:grouphug:

[DaniBelle]

...after all these years of gyn problems w/surgeries (4...soon to be 5), the IC and Fibro, I think my hubby is finally understanding as best he can that this is not going away. Also, when they see you suffer and go through another surgery, they feel helpless (like we don't????) and lash out because they really don't understand it. I never can tell when I'm going to get a big kiss before he leaves for work in the morning, OR the silent treatment where I just hear the garage door go up letting me know he's leaving for work. I just got out of bed 2 hours ago. He got our sons off to school and asked me if my treatment (instillation) didn't work yesterday (because I was crying this morning when the alarm clock went off). Just two days ago, I was able to get up early, get the boys off to school and do the dishes. I know he (and I) were hoping I was doing better, but tomorrow is always full of surprises. After talking to so many women about the way men act, it's obvious that even the most caring husbands 'act out' their frustrations which end up hurting us. We would just like it to sink in that we didn't ask for this disease, we would rather be out of bed, off the couch, outside playing with our kids, etc.., but our bodies' don't want us to do this right now. I've told my hubby that even his asking if I want a cup of tea, or him saying 'is there anything special from the store you can eat that I can get you, can make a great deal of difference in how I fight this disease. With support, I try harder, even if it hurts, to do more. If I get those snide comments, I lay on the couch and cry. I truly understand your sadness. I just started counseling this week and she asked me if I tell my husband not just how I feel physically, but how feel emotionally/relationship-wise. I promised her and myself I would talk to him more this week and not keep it all inside. My husband is a military brat, so it's another world for him to have to deal with someone who can't pull her own weight...so to speak. I think he's coming around, though. I really, really hurts when he acts up and says things. His sister (who is a NURSE) told me I should exercise more and had never heard of anything even close to I.C.. Different mentality. I'm having a bad day today physically, but my hubby has been caring today. I must thank God for that, because it's usually not this way. I'll pray for God to touch your husband's heart and mind to make him realize he must be with you in all things...good and bad. He'll wake up soon. I'll be praying for you all.

Danita


I do not know what is up with Shane (hubby). He has been acting very distant and kind of stand offish for the last day or so. I asked him what's wrong and he said something like he doesn't know but he is not acting normal. I think that it has something to do with me feeling like crap all the time. I was really really tired all day yesterday and in pain, I don't know if this is still from the anesthia from the hydro last Wednesday or what, but I'm still not feeling like myself. He made dinner last night because he knew I was feeling bad but when I came home and said I didn't feel well he made some snide comment about how he knew I was going to feel well in advance. He basically was saying that I ALWAYS feel bad so he isn't surprised. He makes me feel like I'm annoying him for feeling like crap all the time. :cussing: I wish that I felt better, I hate feeling like crap all the time and then he makes me feel bad on top of it. Sometimes he makes me feel like he doesn't believe that I feel bad all of the time, like I'm faking it.:mad: I just needed to vent, have to start work in a minute. Thanks for listening

[Kara Isabel]

Sorry he's being a jerk! My husband has also made little sly comments here and there about my not feeling good, or taking pain meds and it really does hurt my feelings. I know he supports me and believes me that I am in pain, but I think that our loved ones just get frustrated sometimes and men, well, they aren't the best "communicators" in the world, especially when they are frustrated.

I think men just like to "fix" things, and its hard for them that they cant' "fix us", know what I mean? Your husband just probably said that out of his own frustration and not to hurt you :( And I'm sorry he did!!!

Biggest hugs,
Kara

[beandip]

When my husband acts like that when he has had a bad day and he doesn't feel well, and he needs attention.....

I finally figured that out since men won't tell you when they are having a bad day.

Colleen

[GriffsMommy]

Well he must be having a bad day because I just called home and he about bit my head off. He said there are a million things going on, like it's my fault. I didn't know it was crazy, well I guess I should have, the three older kids and my MIL all just got home. I know this is his least favorite time of the day. They all come home at the same time and are all really loud and annoying all at once like that, hopefully he'll be in a better mood by the time I get home or I have a feeling it's going to be a bad night :confused:

[Sarahrose]

Your son is very cute I see that you live for him and you seem so proud..:smile tee I can relate with feeling like a total drain on everyone expecally your husband..IT makes me so sad but I do have a little advice (when) you are feeling better do alot of special things for him ..Like back rubs, breakfast in bed, wash his car, So that when you are feeling bad sweet thoughts of you will go threw his mind....One thing you can do whill you feel bad leave him notes that say how much it means to you that he is steeping up ...And how special he is I am so sorry you are feeling bad

[LeeAnn]

Christine,

This may be a dumb suggestion, but it helped me. After my hydro/cysto my doctor brought photos of my bladder to my bedside for me to keep. She showed me & my husband a photo of a healthy bladder and then there were the photos of my pathetic bleeding-everywhere-bladder. It was a dramatic difference. The pictures said it all. Maybe you can ask your doctor for these photos and show them to your husband. Maybe it will help him understand. THat's the thing about IC. If we fall and break a bone or skin our knees, everyone can clearly see our ouchies. But obviously our bladders are hidden and so is our pain.

Before I was diagnosed my husband would get soooo put out, especially when we were on road trips and I had to pull over at EVERY town and sometimes if there was no town I would make him pull over and I would just go on the side of the road. he hehe. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do right !!! :)

But after he saw that this is REAL he really got it. Since then (4 years ago) he has not once complained or even grumbled or sighed when I ask him to pull over. I feel very lucky that he has become so compassionate. If he is annoyed, he certainly keeps it to himself. I am so blessed.

I hope and pray that your husband will come around for you like mine did.

Lee Ann