lack of sex= marriage fail????

[Sunflower2]

well, last night my hubby sort of took out his frustration on my. The reason was of course ...NOT enough sex. I have been having this huge flare for almost month last time we had sex. He was telling me about how sex can be stress releave to a marriage. I responded to him like this.." yeah, right!!!! NOT my case." After that, he got depressed about our not having enough sex. and he started to talk about how our marriage should be like compared to other couples. He was comparing how many other married couples have sex during the week on avg and so on. Yes, we cannot compete with other couples who are HEALTHY!!!! I was explaing to him why we cannot be like other couples because I have IC/PFD issues. Maybe if I feel good enough, we can have sex one or twice a week. However, most of the times right after we had sex, I need to have recovery time from the flare. So he doesn't get that. And I was telling him how unfair he was to compare our marriage to others. Yes, I totally understand his frustration and where it came from. I do miss intimacy with him. He even told me that he was afraid of possibility of cheating on me because of not enough sex. He's really nice man, but he was being so unfair last night. I was crying all night from what we had to talk about. I know many marriages can fail because of sexual problems. I don't want our marriage to be one of them. How do you deal with??

[ICNDonna]

Have you read the information in the Patient Handbook? That could be a good starting place for a conversation. Also, you might consider counseling --- it's not usually as helpful to have this conversation when either of you is frustrated. A discussion in a more relaxing atmosphere can be helpful.

I know it's a problem for many with IC and I do understand.

Sending encouraging hugs,
Donna

[Briza]

:grouphug: I've been there. Lots of us have, unfortunately. There were many times when he would threaten to go, and I would have been grateful if he had, the pain was so bad. I second Donna on counseling. IC is depressing and stressful when you're in that much pain, and counseling or at least some kind of communication may help. My ex also thought of sex as stress relief. There was constant pressure and he told me a lot of the things your husband said. I wish I had dealt with it sooner rather than later.
Best wishes:angel:

[tigger_gal]

Jen has a thread in here called Great Sex Tips. I don't the link off hand, but it really is worth reading..
I am a pain patient with IC, PFD and Fibro.. I find taking a hot bath and taking my pain pills with a muscle relaxer before sex helps alot... must have lots of foreplay and lube, After ward I use my heating pad, it dose seem to help greatly.. have you tried oral sex to satisfy his needs.? its always an option.
hugs

[GriffsMommy]

I totally agree with Cindy. Sometimes you have to try other things when you're in too much pain for penatration. My hubby and I have had many many discussions about this because he just naturally wants sex ALOT and w/ all my pain I don't want it nearly as much. He has told me numerous times that he would be okay w/ less sex if we did other things such as oral sex or a hand job. Just as long as there is physical contact and time together then he'd take that over nothing at all. I know how frustrating it can be, I'm usually in so much pain after sex that my hubby has started to say that he won't have sex w/ me even if I want to because he doesn't want to cause me pain. Hope you can work things out :)

[leelee88]

Sunflower,

I agree with what the others have said.
There are so many other ways to satisfy your man without any intercourse.
There is a site that Jill has created that has a lot of information about when sex hurts. There is tips on how you can satisfy your man..Its really a great site, you should check it out!



http://www.whensexhurts.com/forum/

[littlemyrn]

Of course I am divorced now, but when I was married, my husband didn't believe me that sex hurt until I got my dx. I had been suffering for about 10 or so years before that, then when I got dx and he read some threads here, he was like afraid to have sex because he knew how much pain I would be in afterwards. I agree taking a Valium before and pain meds helps and then I found a frozen water bottle between legs afterwards helps, (I also suffer from vulvadynia). My URO group has a women's sexual help section that deals with matters such as this. You may want to talk to your uro and see if they know of such a place. Good Luck

[traceann]

I was going to give the same link leelee did ;) There are many ways to keep the sexual flame burning for you and your husband - and show him it's nothing personal that you aren't up for sex,lol. Brain says yes, but body says a resounding no! It doesn't have to include penetration at all - as one mentioned there's oral or manual, it can be the "stress relief" he's looking for, while it's still a "couples" activity - so you get the loving interaction etc - also a great time for some good old-fashioned making out/kissing. ;)

I think most men view sexual release as a stress reliever - for them it can be both, their chance to be "mushy" in showing us their feelings and relieving stress. Really, they don't get many opportunities to show off their mushy romantic side with us - and sex is a safe environment for them to let down their guard ;) So, I would talk to him as the others have suggested and see if you can come up with some activities that will be good for him and yourself!

Do check out the link that leelee gave you - it's a great resource!! :) :)

[ICLori]

I agree with the great tips and advice everyone else has given. I would like to add that I have learned over my many years on this planet (I'm older than dirt now, I think) that men equate sex with love. If you don't give them some type of sex, they don't feel loved. Now, there may be exceptions to this rule, but I haven't found them yet, so I'm going to stick with my sweeping generalization.

If you see it in that light, it suddenly becomes clearer why he's upset about not having more sex. He doesn't feel loved!

Everyone is 100% correct in saying that there are other ways to satisfy a man outside of vaginal intercourse. And it may very well be that you don't even really want to do those things, if you are not "in the mood," but I honestly think that a marriage has a better chance of surviving this disease if the woman makes an effort to please her husband even when she's not always in the mood. I think if a woman has not had any kind of marital contact with her husband for months upon months or even years, there is a very big chance that marriage may not last. On the other hand, if a woman tries pretty hard and does other things, her husband will at least feel loved, even though he may still miss "that," and I think there is a better chance the marriage can survive. Just my opinion.

This disease robs us of so much. I really hate this disease. Anyway, I hope that you and your husband can arrive at a solution that lets you both feel reasonably content about the situation.

Blessings,
Lori

[Sunflower2]

Thanks everyone. I am just so tired of being pressured and pain so long. It's just so frustrating that I cannot just say no to my hubby. I did think about trying some counseling. However, we just bought a house, so we cannot really afford expensive bills.

[tigger_gal]

I was coming in here to give you the link too.. please come join us..

[ICLori]

Aya, I'm having a hard time understanding if your husband is pressuring you to have only vaginal sex, or if he is willing to accept other forms of intimacy. It's not that I want to be nosy or anything, it's just that it's kind of two different things.

If he only wants the first, that is a real problem because that causes you so much pain and gives you flare-ups. If he won't accept anything but that, it means he is being selfish and not caring about your health.

But, if he IS willing to accept other forms of intimacy in the marriage, that means he is thinking of your needs and wishes as well as his own, and is being reasonable.

If he is willing to have other forms of intimacy but you are not willing to do "other things," it would indicate a problem within the marriage as far as your feelings towards your husband or towards intimacy go.

So....not sure exactly where the situation lies, but there's my $.02 worth on how I perceive this kind of situation in general. If you can kind of pinpoint exactly what the sticking point is, it's easier to work on finding a solution.

Blessings,
Lori

[Sunflower2]

Thanks you all for the advice. We did talk about doing other ways to be intimate. I know why he doesn't feel loved because I am not really affectionate person like he is. Sometimes, I just want to have my space to breathe. My hubby always asks me how much kissies and huggies that I don't give him. I am NOT that affectionate person. That's how I was raised.I know that my hubby really loves me and he'll do whatever it takes to get this marriage better. I do admit that I wasn't trying hard enough to make him feel loved. I do understand his frustration though. However, I just don't want to ever feel like our marriage is inferior to other marriages. It was the worst feeling that I ever had for a long time. He did agree to try some other stuff to be intimate with me rather than penetration itself. I know that I have to keep exlaining to him about IC/PFD problem until he really gets it in his head. Sometimes, I just don't want to feel like saying anything at all because I am too tired of dealing with my problems. Has anyone had this kind of feeling like me???

[traceann]

Hey Sunflower2, don't worry about your marriage in comparison to others! They are as individual as people themselves!! ;) What works for one couple in any respect - may seem totally nuts to another. And you can't compare your sex-life either, lol. Even though now-a-days I can do it anytime I'd like, we don't, lol. Between work and life, it just doesn't get to happen sometimes. I tease him that he needs to put out more, lol. At first I was totally devastated thinking he wasn't attracted to me anymore, lol, but nah, it was just life, work stress etc. But you'll only stress yourself out if you think the Joneses have it better than you - there are many many norms for couples and sex lives. Some are happy with once-a-month. That's just fine by them. And they are out there - I find that the ones that go on and on about how much they have - really are just like the rest of us poor tired humans, lol. They are just fibbing a bit! ;)

Keep your chin up, sounds like you have a great guy if he's that committed to do whatever it takes! I know sometimes I was SO not in the mood (even still sometimes now! :) ) but I would set out just to please him. I usually end up having a blast just making him crazy, lol. And it doesn't involve my body at all, except for some appendages, lol. But it can be totally fun - I used to tell him I needed to practice my skills - and I learned to be the ultimate torturer! He wasn't even thinking about intercourse at the time! *snicker*

[siriuspsyclist]

I am sorry to hear that your hubby unloaded on you. But I bet you have unloaded on him a time or two as well. hmm. especially about the IC. When my sweetie got like this I really had to put myself in his position. I really had to try to LISTEN to him rather than get defensive and angry. I know he loves me, I know he doesn;t want to hurt me. So what's going on?

He's tired and angry, too.

So, I let him chill out after a few days. and then I approached him in a very loving and tender way (lots of snuggling up and massage) to say that I understood and that I love him and that we all (mostly me) have our bad days and that next time he's losing it let me know and we'll work something out. Only to find out that he had been feeling guilty for being mean the whole day afterwards. Oh, the yukkiness of IC. And he hated always being the one to ASK for sex.

So, yup, we try out lots of other things and find other ways to be intimate. We laugh about and mourn for our old sex-life and dream about better days to come. But so long as we can listen to each other and keep going it's not so bad. Your sweetie isn't your enemy, and sometimes I bet they feel like it. And then they go to their friend's place and hear about how much sex everyone else is having and they melt down. Just like a kid. Or us.

I am not trying to defend him. But sometimes I worry that we don't give out sweeties enough space to be angry about how it is affecting THEIR lives, this IC. It is OK for them to be angry, infact maybe if all our partners got angry the medical establishment might move ahead.

Of course the issue is that it has made you feel bad. And that can just worsen the cycle. You have my love and support. And I hope that hubby has mastered his frustration and things are back on an even keel. Love can withstand much of what we throw at it. take care ~siriuspsyclist

[Trishann]

Ayla, please look at these links that was posted for you. I don't know if this is the links to Jill or Jen but both of them can help you greatly. If you need more help, couseling may also help too. Don't give up yet.

Trishann

[topcop229]

Sunflower,

I am sorryto hear about your issues, but rest assured that most of us have had them or still do deal with them. Unfortunately, men equate sex with feeling attractive and so if they aren't getting it from their partner, it begins to make them feel bad about themselves. And, just naturally, I think men typically have a higher sex drive.

What the others have said is completely on point. Discuss with your husband the possibility of using other methods to be intimate other than just intercourse. I have found that popping in the shower with my hubby, soaping up and "washing him" has made him quite happy in the last few weeks! And, no, you don't need to be intimate every day, but if you make the effort a few times a week, he will definitely be more satisfied and also see that you are trying.

You say you have PFD as well. I do too, and it's very severe...in fact, I can't even remember the last time I had intercourse with my husband. But, one thing I found that really made him realize what dysfunction my muscles are in was to take him to PT with me. He did want to learn how to do the internal massage, and the minute that he put his finger into my vagina, he could FEEL for himself how tight it was and how painful it must be. Though he was sympathetic to my pain before that, I really believe that was a turning point for him. So, maybe you could have your husband perform some internal therapy so that he can really feel how tight your muscles are and then he might understand better why you just can't have intercourse.

Good luck. If you both try and understand each other and really both try and make an effort, your marriage will not fail. But, you have to be really open and honest with one another and really want to put in the extra effort. Yes, it's crappy that we have to deal with all these issues in addition to IC, but marriage isn't easy. However, if you work together, it will make you stronger in the end.

Claudia

[Sunflower2]

Claudia, thanks for your advice. I went to my physical therapy for 6 months. My PFD/IC got better after the therapy. So my PT let me graduate from the session. However, I still have to work on my PFD at home. I learned a lot about how to control my IC. If I can take a good care of PFD issue, my IC can be controled as well. Like you suggested, I should let my hubby help my therapy homework. My PT said that same thing, too. I think I should from now on.