Husband is substituting me with porn!

[anniepie1976]

Ok, So here it is. It's really hard for me typing this right now as I have been a mess and so torn. Over the weekend my husband admitted to me that he is using porn instead of me since I can't "put out". I am sooo hurt beyond belief! I feel ugly and ashamed. He hasn't even touched me much in the recent and I should have seen warning signs. I hate what this IC, and Vulvodynia has done! It's ruining my marriage. I haven't even been married 3 years yet! We have a 1 1/2 year old wonderful son and pregnancy is when all my pain started and hasn't left since. I just want my life back! I feel so inferior. I could never measure up to the super skinny fantasy women he is looking at. I know it's his problem and he has struggled with it before even knowing me he says....but these stupid problems made him go back! I spent the weekend crying so hard. I feel really betrayed. I have no problem with watching it together or his choice being on the net being done once in awhile but it has come to a point he has replaced me with porn. I made him throw away and dvds we had. Those days are definately over for me! I don't know what to do! He says he wants to find help. He cried super hard too. I know he knows he hurt me immensely. How can I not hate myself and my disease over this? I don't know how to act around him. I feel a piece of us is gone. I feel like he has work to do on himself and he needs to do some starting over with me to to make this work. I am so grossed out. Having trouble getting myself together today. I just could never see myself going elsewhere if he were sick. Please somebody help...especially if there is someone who has been through and overcome this. I really need support right now. I know I went about this the wrong way but when I found this out I took valium, did some shots (I don't drink normally), applied my lidocaine and told him to just do it. He couldn't perform if you know what I mean. He couldn't perform the last time I tried to please him orally too and now I know why. I'm so lost. Help me!

[Sarojini]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

I'm so sorry. I think your husband does need to talk to a professional -- alone and perhaps with you too. You could benefit from a professional as well in this situation.

There IS such a thing as "porn addiction" -- it's becoming more and more common now that the Internet is everywhere. It's possible that this has become a problem for your husband. If that is true, then he is, at this point, not replacing you with porn. He just can't stop looking at it! This is why I suggest a professional therapist who has dealt with this before. You can find therapists who are specially trained in dealing with sexual issues and this may well be the way to go.

I do know he was a jerk to blame you in the first place by saying he was doing this because you wouldn't "put out." That is obnoxious and rude. It really sounds like communication has broken down between you, and I'm so sorry. :grouphug:

Has he read any info on IC and vulvodynia? Sometimes it helps men understand what we are going through if they see it in print rather than just from us. It stinks, but it's true.

I'm not exactly sure what else to say except to tell you that we're all here for you, and I hope you two can work on this :grouphug: Please do see someone about this.

[petrie86]

I went through something similar with my bf and the porn issue... he used to look at porn websites and girls on myspace. That bothered me so much especially the myspace issue. I irked me that he could actually contact these naked girls and do who knows what. He used to say "it's just something guys do." Well he's wrong! We worked out our problems. I really feel for you hunny. I know the feeling you have rght now.sick to your stomach. I really wish I could do something to make it all better for you. The only thing I can suggest would be counceling. For the both of you to talk to someone. He needs to know how you really feel. Drinking will not solve you problems. He has a bad sickness and he needs help. The fact that he know's how truely sick you are and does this to you makes me sick to my stomach! I wish you the very best luck and if you need to pm me. I'm always here to talk.

Rachel

[ICNDonna]

I absolutely agree with Jen. My suggestion is that both of you see a therapist --- you for help with your self image right now and your husband for his addiction.

Sending encouragement,
Donna

[ChrissySunshine]

Hi Anniepie,

I agree with the other that counseling is in order, for sure.

A positive (?!!!!) thing about all this now though is that he TOLD you about it. Communication is key in a relationship, and the fact that he was able to share it with you is an honest step in the right direction.

Good Luck & we're here if you need us!

Chris

[humpieumpumkin]

Im very, very sorry about this. I have compassion for you. I hope this all comes out in the wash. I agree with the others,but maybe you should seek help too? Just to have someone to get this off you chest with. Good luck you are in my thoughts:grouphug:
Erika:hi:

[Bessie]

I also agree with the others on the counseling. I am sorry this is happening to you and I hope you all get it worked out.

[traceann]

Oh gosh, I am sooooo sorry to hear this, I know how just finding a few "contraband magazines" can make me feel - upset and angry. The others have covered the therapy thing so let me just say - yup great idea.

And, let me tell you - you are not the only woman who feels this way about this stuff. And what it does to our self-esteem can be catastrophic. How do we compete with the every-flaw-airbrushed-out girls? Even though guys may not ever ever understand how it makes us feel, and think we are crazy for letting these "fake" women make us feel inferior - that's just the way it is. Even MY rational mind says "they are only pictures" etc, but my gut says "OUCH!" If I had a nickel for every time I heard "hey, if you are confident in yourself it won't bother you" - well, yeah, to a certain extent - I'd be a millionaire. LOL ;) So, don't feel bad about feeling bad, lol. But do not let it make you feel ashamed or ugly. Obviously that's not true or he wouldn't have chosen to you to be his wife in the first place.

I agree with ChrissySunshine - it's a great step in the right direction that he had the guts to tell you. Sounds to me like he was feeling pretty bad about it himself, and he sounds like he's not happy with the way things have progressed. And it sounds like the lines of communication have started to open - as Dr Phil would say, lol, it's all out on the table now - and you can begin to sort through it. And as Jen said, it can be an addiction - unfortunate but true.

Men are so "visually oriented" when it comes to that sort of thing, and we are so "emotionally oriented" - so we get emotional when they get visual and we aren't involved ;) ;) I too never had any problem when it was a "shared activity". Then, lets throw in a chronic illness that tosses a monkey wrench into the works and it becomes an even bigger monster. Don't apologize either for how you reacted and handled it - there's no reason to. I don't think any of us when faced with something that emotionally charged, stop to think through the proper way to confront it, lol - granted there are lots of times when I look back and wished I had, but it was always too late, it was already unleashed.

I too wish I had more to give you on this one, ugh. It's a hard thing struggle with that's for sure, as it affects so much. And as I said - my rational mind says it's just pictures what's the big deal? But my emotional mind feels like I've been cheated on. It's crazy. With my second marriage here, I set out from the get-go to be very up front and open about sex (as much as I could be, lol), and all the trappings that come along with it. I would much rather know he has a stash of "contraband" then to stumble on it accidentally etc. It sure has saved my feelings this time around, vs past relationships! My first fiance` had posters of the Bud Girls in the bedroom!! That drove me insane! (it was his house, we didn't live together) So yeah, you want me to get naked with THOSE girls hanging there?? Yeah, right! :rant:

All I can say is have lots of heart-to-hearts on it - as many as you need to start to repair your feelings etc, and check into counseling - that can be a HUGE help. And to me, it sounds like he's willing to fix it too if he was as upset as you were - that shows how much he cares about your marriage, you etc.

I certainly hope that as the day's gone by you feel a little bit better, even just a little...

I wish again I had some way to help you out, or the right thing to say to make it all better, lol, *sigh*. Just know that I think most of us would if we could! :grouphug: :kissing:

[ihurttoo]

:cussing: My gut instinct would be to tell you to go out and get your own porn, the male on male kind and be watching it Ooohing and Aaahing when he comes home, saying how those cut-up guys really get your going and how now that you know it is obviously ok with him, you can watch yours anytime you want to also too! :lmao: Then, let him see how it feels! But, I know that would be wrong too. **sigh** But, wouldnt it be fun if I COULD tell you that!! :evilsmile

But, I know that would be wrong too. :tsk: So, it really would be best to sit down with him and have a talk and insist on going to counseling. It really is the only way to get thru this.

My feelings would be very hurt too. You have a right to feel everything you are feeling, so please dont feel guilty about feeling the way you do. I know it is hard not make this personal, but most men who view porn say that it has nothing to do with how their wives/girlfriends look. Lots of men with stunning wives still look at the stuff.

I hurt for you too. But, like Chrissy said, the good news is that you still have an honest and open relationship, so he didnt feel he had to hide this from you, as most men would do.

I hope that he will agree to go to counseling with you. I will keep you in my prayers.

Hugs,
Amy

[tigger_gal]

he use to do this before, so please do not think it has anything to do with you. It is him.. you should not feel the need to apoligize.. My husband did this and screwed up 3 hard drives, he finally got the hint 300.00 later... you can also block any sexual type of web pages on your pc, or put a pass word in it and lock him out..
My husband use to tell me, at least I am home with you.. no he wasn't he was home with the pc... this is a really tough subject to approch. I know how livid I was over it, and you have every right to be.. I would lock him out of it (I didn't know that was possible 5 years ago) or change the settings on the pc..
good luck

[dancemomof2]

Annie,

i went threw this twice and almost lost my mind I was so upset. If you nned to talk just yell and I will pm my number to you.

[Mel53H]

It is HIM not you!! He would look at Porn even if you were Pam Anderson and had sex with every single day and twice on Sunday!

Can you tell that my husband had a problem with it too?

[tigger_gal]

you know Mel is right..... They air brush these girls to perfection. I also will talk with you if you want to vent out voice wise.. always here for you.

[traceann]

Oh heck yeah they airbrush them chicks, lol. With my Photoshop I can make my bust size anything I want - that's how easy it is to do! I really wish they'd have an "actual" photo edition of these things so they could see the grass isn't greener, lol.

Hope today is a better day!

HUGS!!!

[leelee88]

Your so right Traceann, If only they could see what they really looked like..

But you know that prob wouldnt make any differance, because I really believe its a sickness, or addition.....

[traceann]

Oh yeah, I agree with you on that one leelee - it reaches a point where they can lose sight of the real world as my hubby put it. It's like they go back to their teenage years and those are the ONLY women they get to see and get there thrills from - the paper dolls, since there isn't a flesh and blood woman next to them - what else are they gonna do? ;) It's ok I guess for the teens, but when it carries into adulthood, and they can't turn it around themselves, definitely a counselor of some sort is needed to help give the tools to take back the control.

I also agree with Mel - they are gonna look no matter what you look like, as annoying as it is. "oh! Naked Woman! Must look!!" just like the caveman days....

[Sunnydawn]

I believe in therapy!! I also believe in the healing power of God. You and your husband need to open the bible and read, read, read. if you don't know where to start, go to the back and find the scriptures on healing, read and meditate. You and your husband need a healing. I know the hopeless feeling you have, you must reverse this. Focus on you right now, get your self feeling better with funny movies ( anything Will Ferrel), excercise, Be happy that you are a genuine person and tell your husband that you love him and what he is doing is hurtful. Then pray for him and yourself. God will open doors, you must have faith!!!! I will pray for you sweetie, take a bath with some soft music and take it day by day. Remember be calm, you must!!! God will bless you, I have faith.:angel:

[janelle77362]

:grouphug: :grouphug:
I understand how you feel. I went through the same thing. My last straw was when I started the VCR thinking it was my daughter's movie and it was porn. My daughter was present. After that I kicked him out. It might be extreme but I wasn't going to allow it to affect me and my child. I think that showed him that I was serious about it. I am already going through enough and feel guilty about not being able to "put out". I don't need to have it thrown in my face and made to feel that I am the second choice. :rolleyes: I agree with everyone else, therapy can work wonders if he sticks to it. If he promises to go - make him follow through. Don't let him off the hook because he says he will do better, I have experienced it and know that this promise only lasts a short time.
Good Luck!

[UCSB]

Gee … I must be crazy to be trying to comment on this thread. Annie, first relax I am sure that your husband loves you and would not do anything to hurt you. He is crying about the situation because he is upset for both of you and your relationship. He can not perform sexually because he does not want to hurt you.

One thing that is never discussed in these threads is just what do you expect your husband(s) to do … abstain from all sexual activities? If you think about this you will realize that this is probably not going to be healthy physically, psychologically, or emotionally. Your husband will not like the person that he will become if he tries to completely give up on sex … you won’t like him either.

The real question is what approach do you want to take as a couple to try and address this problem. There are two choices: sex or no sex. I would throw out the no sex idea. That leaves sex. Here you have three choices: with you, alone, or some combination of the two. I know this sounds harsh. Since I don’t know you or him … it is impossible for me to say what will work best.

But, I would like to point out … um … one possibility. Why not tell your husband that you want to maintain a physical relationship. Simply lie down next to your husband, put your head on his shoulder, maybe kiss him, and put an excessive amount of gel lube in your hand and … well I think you can take it from here. I don't understand why women with IC feel that their only option is to have painful sex and go into flares. Try to understand how much sex your husband needs to maintain some balance in his life. One day your IC will improve to the point where you will want to rehab yourself sexually and that is a slow, lengthy process and he will have the opportunity to spend countless hours slowly helping you retrain your body to distinguish between pain signals and sexual arousal again. Set that as your shared goal.

If as some of the other posters have indicated, your husband is addicted to porn … then that is a big problem. I just do not believe that is the case. I am not disputing the corrosive affects of porn on people’s lives and relationships. It has probably put a whole generation of young boys and men at risk.

[kjd]

anniepie
I am so sorry you are going through so are hard upsetting now right now. I know how hard it is, I suffer with vulvodyina, IC and ME and it puts a huge strain between me and my partner and we didnt have sex for a year. I feel so ugly and useless and feel like at the age of 24 my life is over!!!
Well as for the porn, please believe what I say here! He is NOT comparing these women to you in anyway what so ever and given the option he would rather have sex with you then look at porn. Believe it or not 1 in 3 men look at porn on a regular basis even if they have a regular sex life.
What I am trying to say is that you must NOT take this personally as it has NOTHING to do with you.

You are still beautiful and he still loves you and finds you attractive but the problem is that he was looking for some sexual relief and being very selfish by not thinking how this would make you feel!

I am not saying that his behavious is excuseable in any way as he has made you feel so low that you are struggling to go on, which is wrong!

But the fact he is looking at porn is NOT your fault and you cant take this personally.

The reason I know this is because my cousin is a phsyciosexual doctor and when I didnt have sex with my boyfriend for a year I found some porn which made me feel so depressed and repulsive.
She then explained to me why he looked at it and its true that 1 in 3 men regularly use porn...........even if they have sex regularly!

However your husband needs to learn that this is making you feel disgusting which I dont blame you in the slightest. I now when I found the porn I cried for a week and stopped eating as I felt so ugly.
please take a deep breath and find some strength deep down becuase you deserve so much more than this.

Tell your husband how seeing him using porn makes you feel. If you have already told him tell him again. Make sure he knows how insecure it makes you feel and if it cant see this then he is stupid!

Or maybe see a psycosexual counsellor together??!!! They see stuff like this everyday and is very common. She will put your mind at rest by telling you that lots and lots of men use porn, even if they dont admit it. This will help reassure you husband he is normal and help reassure you that it is not a subsititute to you!!!
The cousellor would also help your husband to break his addiction with porn which in turn would help you get some confidence back.

i know you cant have sex but you CAN be intimate. You can cuddle, kiss and be romantic. There are other ways to be intimate othe than sex and this would help you both.

dont let this disease reuin your marriage or your life. you are a strong beutiful woman and you do not deserve to be like this. Do not give in please.

x

[SandyRN]

Gee …One thing that is never discussed in these threads is just what do you expect your husband(s) to do … abstain from all sexual activities? If you think about this you will realize that this is probably not going to be healthy physically, psychologically, or emotionally. Your husband will not like the person that he will become if he tries to completely give up on sex … you won’t like him either.


That is simply not true. There are tips all over this board on how to please your husband...check out Jen's tips for great sex...thats just one place where it's discussed. I don't think that anyone here want's their significant other to abstain from all sexual activities, nowhere have I ever seen that written. As a woman (I see you're a guy) we have a lot of insecurities that we are not sexy enough, not skinny enough, our boobs are too big or too small, etc etc, and when a guy throws himself into looking at porn and pleasing himself in that fashion then it becomes very hurtful and intimidating, making what was already a bad and uncomfortable situation worse. Perhaps just once the MAN could say, "sweetie, come here, I'd just like to hold you for a while".

[traceann]

I agree Sandy. We are always discussing ways to get around painful sex etc. Things we can do for ourselves or our significant others. So please don't think that expect our significant other to be celibate in any sense of the word! ;) Sex is so tied to our view of ourselves as women (as I am sure it is in the majority of men ;) ), like it or not. And if we see we are not what the media portrays as the "ideal", we do feel threatend with an excessive use of porn. I can't imagine a husband with some chronic illness or inabilities would like it should the wife soley use porn to fulfill her needs, I would think it would injure his self-esteem as well. It's the old "what's wrong with me that he/she doesn't get aroused by me anymore or want to be with me?"

And my husband has said I never let him feel second to IC, that even if I wasn't interested because of pain or whatever, I found alternative methods to fullfill his needs, and keep our intimacy level up. I believe most of us do that, but sometimes, there is no sub for making love with your significant other, it's the whole experience that goes along with, so we chance it. ;)

Great discussion though gang, and I do hope anniepie that things have and are improving for you!!

[Annie2]

Good points made here by all and a good discussion! I really do understand how hurtful this can be.

I think we do need to define the term "addiction", however, and not throw the term about carelessly. There are many websites dedicated to this problem and some of them have lists of good questions to ask to help you determine if there is a true addiction. In general, my understanding is if a person is risking relationships, jobs and a healthy lifestyle to pursue the use of porn, needs ever increasing amounts to produce stimulation, feels out of control and cannot stop their behavior on their own, that's when the problem has become an addiction. At that point, very serious counseling is needed. That is not to say that more casual and less frequent use is not hurtful to the spouse or partner because we all know it is. There is a very fine line between casual use and getting "hooked" on porn. How do you know when casual use crosses that line into the more dangerous zone? With the advent of the Internet, access has become so easy and has brought a tremendous increase in the number of people addicted. Even if it is not a true addiction, though, can't we all agree that if the use is hurtful to the partner, there is a PROBLEM THAT MUST BE ADDRESSED and that counseling with a qualified therapist to resolve this and any underlying issues just might be very helpful?

Just talking about this can be hard for many. I think many feel shame if they need to seek counseling about this, whether they are the "user" or the partner. The open discussion going on in this thread is great and is bringing to light the fact that the problem really is not rare and no one need feel shame for discussing it or seeking professional help if it has become a problem in their life.

Anniepie, I truly hope the communication lines are now wide open and hope things are getting better. I applaud you for openly addressing this problem. Through trying to give support to you, you have led all of us to this important discussion.

[ICLori]

Everyone here has given such caring advice, from the heart. I don't know if there is anything useful I can add (probably not) but I wanted to send a hug your way.

It's true that porn is very air-brushed and is only a fantasy as opposed to reality. It's so easy to feel inferior, as a woman, when you see porn or even regular fashion magazines. It's also true that a lot of men (and more women than you would ever think) enjoy the occasional use of erotica. I'm not sure that all use of erotica constitutes addiction.

But in this case, I agree with everyone that counseling is an excellent idea. It's clear that this is hurting you very much, and it sounds like your husband is also very upset, and I hope that a counselor will be able to help both of you resolve this and feel comfortable within your marriage.

I will admit that I have occasionally enjoyed fantasies in my life. For instance, I have read a few romance books (not often, but I've read a couple of them) and whenever I do, my heart is all aflutter with the idea of some strong noble brute sweeping me off my feet. Does this mean I want that fictional character instead of my husband? Absolutely not! Does it mean I think less of my husband because of the fantasy? Nope! Does it mean I'm kind of eager for my husband to come home from work that day? Yup. Anyway, I think for men, porn might be something like that. I really do.

It's hard not to feel upset if your husband views such an air-brushed image, or if he finds sexual release by himself rather than with you. But I've learned over the years that it's pretty normal for men to occasionally look at these air-brushed images, and also for them to seek self-release even when the sex life within their relationship is really great. What I've tried to do over the years is determine whether or not such activities are a threat to my marriage. In my current relationship, these activities are not a threat to my marriage, and I am able to feel secure because I know my husband does love me very much, and he still desires me even though I'm not so young anymore or pretty. But I also was in a relationship once where the man wanted only porn and was disgusted by me, by my body and by the idea of relations with me. That relationship was very harmful to me psychologically, and I was very upset with his use of porn/self-release. So at least for me, I always take a look at how the relationship is in general, and how the use of erotica or self-release fits into the relationship.

I'm kind of rambling here, I know I am. I think probably nothing I've written here is useful. But I just wanted to say, what you are feeling is totally normal, and what your husband did is also totally normal. What men and women want are not always perfectly in sync, unfortunately. Each of us has to negotiate for ourselves this rocky part of the path. It does sound to me as if your husband loves you, and wants you to be happy. I take that as a positive sign for the relationship.

Please don't ever let those airbrushed images make you feel less-than. It's just all about makeup, lighting, and airbrushing. No woman looks like that! And you know what? Your husband is well aware that those women, even if they are that beautiful, would only turn their nose up at him, at any man who wasn't a millionaire GQ model. He's with you because he loves you and wants you.

Blessings and hugs,
Lori

[vm]

I really liked your post, Lori. I'm glad you wrote it. :)

[leelee88]

Good post Lori......It really made alot of sense:smile tee

[sami4]

These ladies are all correct, your husband had a problem before he met you.
Porn addicts will have problems in every female relationship they have. After the initial thrill wears off they have a hard time performing sexually. This would be because no woman could ever fill the fantasy life that porn fosters for long.
My sympathy to you, hope you can works things out.
I also feel very sad that the men in our culture are so immature for so long and so fixated on sex. I guess we can thank our cultural conditioning of males, in media, advertising, and of course the porn industry. Porn industry has to find some new, taboo to sell products.
While I am on my rant just let me say that the terms for sex that men use among themselves are degrading and hardly fit to entice a female to,"get screwed" "rip one off" "put out" "f......", all these terms are hardly enduring or tender. Also did you ever hear what men call other men when they miss shooting a basket, or hit a golf ball in the rough? They call him a "pussy."
I bet all that just makes you want to have sex, huh?
Sammi