I need help re: my daughter...

[SandyRN]

Some of you might remember my daughter had a very severe depression about year ago and after months and months of cutting herself with whatever sharp object she could sneek into her room she came to me and told me about it.

Now she's being picked on in school, some of it's physical where the brats knock books out of her hands, poke her in the ribs, say nasty things to her in the hallway, on and on....it's SO bad that she's breaking out into hives. She got me to check her out the other day because the hives were so bad. Today she's got them again and I just told her to go back to bed as I was calling the school, with names of these mutant children who keep picking on her and I want it stopped! So she's in bed, hives head to toe from this stress, and hanging on by a string. I need to call her therapist and get her back in there before she does start cutting again, but she swears to me that she will not do that anymore....and she will come to me for help.

I just can't STAND the thought of my baby girl (she's 14 now) being tormented so badly in school that she comes home with severe headaches, now this rash, and I hear her crying in her room!

I don't know what to do! I'm calling the school, but what are they gonna do to the 25 or so kids that are doing this to her? It breaks my heart...nobody ever said raising kids was easy, but she's a good girl, she really is, gets straight A's, occasional B.....she's polite, articulate, and so smart. Why does she have to go through this??

I need some suggestions. I'm calling the school as soon as I finish writing this post.

Thanks, Sandy

[ChrissySunshine]

Hi Sandy, That really, really sucks! I feel so bad for your daughter and you. I think you're doing the right thing by keeping her home and calling the school. A long weekend may help her body to recover from the severe stress that she's been under.

She's very lucky to have an open and concerned mother that she can turn to. And one that's cares so much about her that she's willing to go to bat for her. Pat yourself on the back there Sandy, that's HUGE.

Sorry I don't have any suggestions, just wanted to jump in an offer my support to you. Let us know h0w you make out with the school. HUGS

[kadi]

Hi Sandy,
I'm so sorry your daughter is going through this. Bullying can make school a miserable place. A few thoughts as a teacher, there may be 25 kids participating in this, but probably only 2 or 3 leading them. If you, your daughter & teacher can isolate those 2 or 3, the principal can zero in on them. Your daughter needs to be reassured that she is not alone in this, that this happens in schools all over the country. Does she have friends who can walk with her to/from classes? A classroom that can be a sanctuary at lunch? Those things aren't a perfect solution, but can make the situation more tolerable.

Here are 2 resources for parents that might help.
http://www.jaredstory.com/bullying_whattodo.html
http://www.schwablearning.org/articles.aspx?r=697

I'm so glad your daughter talked to you about this, rather than hiding the problem & suffering in silence. That's a really good sign.

Sending a hug & hoping the school is helpful & supportive--

[poetgirl]

I am so sorry she's going through this. I think Kadi is right that perhaps there are probably a couple of ringleaders, with the rest going along for the ride. I hope the school will be active in trying to deal with this issue. She needs as many advocates as she can get. Bullying has got to be the worst thing about enduring school growing up, and I don't blame your daughter for being so distressed. Just let her know not to stop being the good, smart, polite person she is - those are the qualities that already make her a finer person than those who are picking on her.

[dancemomof2]

(((HUGS)))) Sandy you do need to go to the school and make them have a group meeting with all the parents of the bullies. THis is the schools responsiblity to provide a safe secure learning enviroment and they need to know. Give your daughter a great big hug for me and tell her if I have to come down and tackle them with you I will LOL. The wrath of 2 out spoken mommies will take care of it for her.

[SandyRN]

Thanks ladies. I just talked to the 8th grade counselor and gave her two names of the worst ones, the ones that actually touch her and knock her books out of her hands. Kadi, I appreciate the resources and I'm going to check them out. The counselor was very nice and said she knows these two kids very well and they are going to get a "yellow" sheet that will document this and if it happens again they will get a 10 day suspension from school. I asked her to see if these kids would rat out some of the others to spare their own butts so we can get as many of these kids as possible. She doesn't even know the NAMES of some of these kids. Kids she doesn't even KNOW are picking on her.

I had to pick her up during their free time a couple months ago. It was still warm out and all the kids were in groups of girls and boys shooting hoops, doing cheers, talking together. Megan was under a tree by herself reading her book.

It's so hard. I'm sitting here bawling because its just so bad for her right now she want's to be home schooled, or tutored, something, anything to get her out of the daily hell she faces now.

She told me she loves the learning part of school, she is a good student. But its so bad she's got physical symptoms of this abuse! :( :( :( :( :(

I just want my kids to be happy and have them be able to get the education they deserve without a bunch of punk kids with no regard for anyone or anything ruining it for her.

Kadi, thanks for the lunch suggestion, I'm going to call the counselor back and ask her if thats an option. I know lunch is hard for her too. :(

I'm making myself flare over this because it just hurts so badly to see my daughter so miserable.

[ICNDonna]

You might want to get her assignments for a week or two and help her at home until the culprits are dealt with. Is there a possibility that she could change schools? We live in an area where that's possible, but I realize that's not always the case.

Give her a hug for me.
Donna

[Billsbaby]

i am so sorry for what your daughter is going through.i think bullies should get in extreme trouble for what they do to people.i am crying right now just thinking about my little girl having to deal with that.its so hard to deal with people being like that to your child and not being able to be there to protect them.:cussing: your doing the right thing,keep pursuing this until they are all punished,noone should have to deal with that in school.i am so mad right now,i hope everything works out for your daughter,just keep doing what your doing,and be there for her.good idea... i am 28 but i am 4'10,i fit in kids 12 pants,thats how little i am,do you want me to go there and beat up those little brats!!! just give me the word!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Babs RN]

Oh Sandy,
I'm glad that you are standing up to finding these little orange suiters in training as well as standing by your baby. There was actually a Dr. Phil show on this week about female bullies. Quite interesting as the had the victims, bully and both of their parents there(and the principal too) I was the quiet book reading type too and was afraid to go into the bathrooms at lunch for fear getting jumped. You are a wonderful Mom and all of you will come out on top.

Love,
Barb:smile tee

[SandyRN]

There is a school choice plan here in Charlotte, but it's not that easy to change schools. Most of the schools here are full to capacity, and you can request to be moved to a school thats within your zone, but they're over crowded and do not accept students unless they live in that home school area. We DID try to get her to a new high school for next year, so she wouldn't be going to high school with the same snotty brats that she want to middle school with, but that school is also overflowing, and we'll probably not get what we asked for and she'll be going to her 'home' school yet again, with the same group of people following her there.

I would home school her but I am SO not qualified to do that. She needs school. I guess I'll talk to her father over the weekend...but he's not as understanding about it as I am. He'll tell me to send her to school and tell her to ignore them....she tried that, it didn't work.

So, I'll do whatever I have to do for her to keep from losing her to that awful depression she was in last year.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate it.

[SandyRN]

Barb, I saw that Doctor Phil last week...its not quite to the point that those girls on the show were at, but it is getting close. I WAS jumped in the bathroom in middle school by this girl who was 3x my size, and before the teachers got in there she'd beaten me up pretty good. I know what Megan is going through from personal experience. :(

[Billsbaby]

i also saw the dr. phil episode(i love him so much,makes my dh jealous,lol)i was so mad watching it and seeing what those poor girls were going through.it is irritating that something can't be done for something like this in our schools.our children should not have to be scared to go to school.expelling these children should scare the snot out of them.

[tigger_gal]

Sandy,
I know your little girl must really be going thru hell, I too was going to suggest changing schools. The school should be protecting your daughter, and I think they should all be suspended now, and the next time expelled. Call the super of the school. Demand that they get suspended now.
sending you and your daughter big hugs.

[DaniBelle]

They are doing these things to her because they are JEALOUS! Your daughter is who they would like to be and are abusing her because they know they can't even come close. I'm so angry that the school has to know this is happening and the ringleaders haven't been suspended. That would stop them from bothering anyone. That school needs to get to the source and stop it NOW. I was picked on and pushed from elementary through high school. I self-injured for a while, then I realized that the people who were so mean to me were those who were from abusive homes and were striking out. Because I was an easy target, i.e. they knew I was well-behaved and wouldn't strike back, they wouldn't let up. No one at the school, counselor or teacher ever helped me. When I hear an old song from when I was in high school, I still get sick at my stomach. I'm 47!. These days, awareness of bullying is well known. The school MUST stop these girls now with harsh punishment. They also need to be in the counselor's office EVERYDAY, with the blinds open so the whole school knows who they are. I picture these girls going to Boot Camp with some huge military guy yelling down their throats! I hope and pray this problem is resolved immediately. Your daughter should not have to endure this abuse. At this point, the school is responsible and should make amends for your daughter feeling like she can't even attend school anymore! I wish we all could go to that school with Dr. Phil leading the march!

I'll be praying for you and your daughter,

Dani

[ICNDonna]

Hopefully your school will be able to work this out. Be very certain you keep records (with dates), indicating what happened, when and to whom you reported it, etc. --- then if the problem has not been resolved, I suggest you go directly to the Superintendant of Schools with the information and strongly request/demand a transfer. What's happening is not okay.

Donna

[ihurttoo]

This just broke my heart! It happened to me too. Mine was in 8th grade. It was the worst year of my life. When I got to high school, I was still so scarred from it that I never would go in the cafeteria at lunch. I just took my lunch and ate in the stall in the bathroom every day. I also wouldnt go to pep rallys or any other large gathering. Instead, I went to the principal's office and sat in there and watched tv or did my homework. Even though nothing happened to me in high school, after 8th grade, I knew it could. So, I just tried to be as invisible as possible. I begged my parents to take me out of school and home school me. Or to send me to another school. But, they both worked all the time and couldnt take me or come get me, so the different school was out. Neither felt qualified to homeschool, so I had to keep going there. Teachers and guidence counselors knew, but did nothing. They were worse than the kids, because they were supossed to help but didnt.

For whoever asked if she could have a friend walk with her to classes. It just doesnt happen. I thought that would be my cure too. But, the problem is once you have been targeted, friends vanish. They dont want to be associated with an outcast, for fear they will become outcasts too. It is generally the popular kids that do this stuff, with the class clown leading them all. And since all kids want to be popular, even the kids that know it is wrong will stand there and say nothing and let it happen, because they dont want to be outsiders too.

I beg you to get her out of there, and homeschool for the remainder of the year, or send her to a different school. Where I live, there are several homeschooled kids. It isnt uncommon like it used to be. There is even a homeschool assn. that does stuff together once a week, to keep the kids around others their age to make friends and socialize. The lessons are on videotape, so YOU would not really be teaching her. Then, they go in and do their tests online and a teacher grades them and is there if they have questions or need help in a certain area. If there is an area that you are particularly worried about, you could always get a tutor for that subject. It can be done. You can contact your local homeschool assn for more information. Your state assn can put you in contact with them. (Just google to find your state's).

I will pray for you and your daughter. This subject still tears me up after all these years.

Hugs,
Amy

[miz_sunshine87]

I really hope that the officials give your daughter a transfer to a new school. If they listen to the reasoning I don't see how they could say no.

When I was in elementary school I was bullied too. For me the worst part was that my "friends" were the worst bullies. I will never forget how in grade 7 my "friend" did a handstand on my back and nearly broke my back. I told her not to. I was just a skinny little thing and she must have been 40 lbs heavier than me at least. That is just an example, I'm sure worse things happened but I've blocked them out.
I'm sure that your daughter will make new friends if she switches schools, but she has to be careful that her desire to have friends does not allow people to take advantage of her.
When I went to high school, I left behind my elementary school friends (or rather, they left me). By this point I realised that they were all taking advantage of me. We weren't in the same classes anymore, so they couldn't use me to help them study. I became a stronger person, and made good friends who (for the most part) do not take advantage of me. I've actually turned into a very outgoing person, now that I realise there are good people on the world and they are not all out there to hurt me.

Your daughter's cutting scares me. I normally wouldn't advocate parents snooping around, but maybe you should keep an eye on the websites that she visits. There are lots of self-injury messageboards where kids compare tips on how to injure. They feel like they belong to a community, which can make them want to continue. I am not suggesting that your daughter is involved in this, but it would be a good idea to make sure that she isn't.

Everyone has their ways of dealing with stress. Some are destructive like cutting. Others are more neutral, like sleeping all day (I'm guilty of this one). But some can be positive. This might sound chiche, but maybe she could take a boxing class or something to take out her anger and stress that way?

[SharonA]

Sandy...I am so sorry that your daughter is going through this. Being a teen is tough enough without having to face these kinds of situations. I know that you are a great mom and have handled things in the past very well. I know you will do the same this time.

It seems like there are kids everywhere who get off on being bullies. Have you seen any of the videos of girls beating up on other girls while recording it on their cell phones? And then they put the videos on web sites. What idiots!!!!! This seems to be a growing problem. I'm all for the parents who have taken this type of brutality legal. Maybe some time in Juvenile Detention will knock some sense into their numskul brains. Violence is unacceptable and these kids should have to face the consequences of their actions before its too late for them.

Kudos to you, Sandy for being the type of mom you are and hugs for your daughter.

BTW...I'm all for having her take self-defense classes. Now wouldn't that surprise the heck out of the next person who tried anything on her. Would I ever love to see the look on their faces. :D

[yvette]

Gosh this is really awful...Besides dealing within the school system I'd say you might look into what legal action you can take IE: restraining orders...and personally I'd try and see if you can hold their parents responsible. And of course you know you hav to be ready for "well, kids will be kids" crapola. The school may be more compliant if it thinks it may be heading for a possible media-storm or bad publicity.

And yeah, there is that kind of kid's stuff, but this is waaaay off the mark in that respect. I'm sure the Mom and Dad's of these kids won't be too happy if their kids have black streaks permanently on their kid's records which could affect their future at college, future jobs etc. Maybe they might be more helpful if that is something that comes into play.

If any of these kids are 16 or 17 you could even have them arrested for assault and battery...

On the other hand, pick you battles carefully, focusing on your child only may be the best bet first, even relocating to a new school as hard as it may be. Also asking if the school has peer support groups. Sometimes there are kids who can help out other kids. That could be espcially helpful if she does relocate...they could have a group of kids who are willing to help or at least be aware (and sensitive) to the situation that has brought her to that new school.

Good luck and huggggs to you and your daughter!
y. :)

[Berkshire Road]

Sandy, my heart goes out to you and your daughter. The daughter of a friend of mine was getting bullied from third grade on, and even though the mother was constantly talking to the principal, it still continued. Megan felt terrible about herself, especially as she has learning disorders so school is already hard for her.

What happened eventually was the Megan joined a (NON-school related) sports team, and turned out to excel at it. And she made friends on the team. This, along with counseling, helped boost her self-esteem to the point where she was able to ignore the bullies. And funnily enough, when they stopped getting a reaction from her, they stopped bothering her. Sadly, I assume they moved on to someone else, but that's not the point. Is there an activity that your daughter would like to get involved with outside of school? That could help her find other friends and bring some joy back into her life. If she's not an athletic type, would she like art classes? Cooking? Volunteering with kids or animals or elderly people?

You could also consider private schools. Financial aid is usually available, although it can still be hard to manage the costs. But in my experience in a private day school, a lot of the kids had been outcasts or "weirdos" in their public schools (sometimes just because they were SO smart), and so very little bullying went on. I was lucky to be in a small school where the teachers and administration kept a very close eye on all the kids, so major situations like your daughter's could never have developed. And because so many kids there were former bullying victims, if any of the self-appointed "popular kids" tried to start hassling someone, other kids would stand up to them. Don't get me wrong, there were things I hated about the place, but they had the bullying thing down.

My daughter is in sixth grade, and I hope and pray every day that something like this never happens to her. Your daughter needs to be told over and over again that there is nothing wrong with her that caused all this to happen to her. The kids who are hassling her are disturbed and (IMHO) need to be removed from the general population of the school until they can behave like human beings.

Of course you're flaring over this! Nothing is more upsetting than seeing your kids get hurt.

Let us know how things progress, ok?

[SandyRN]

I am so thankful to have such wonderful people to come to when I need help. Apparently the counselor called my ex husband's house on Friday, even though I've got MY name and number as the primary parent. I'm home all day and can come get them in emergencies, so, at any rate, I missed her call. I was pretty upset.

I seriously doubt the school system would let us change schools because of this, BUT, if her school doesn't handle it properly you can bet your sweet &ss that I will be contacting anyone and everyone up the chain of command. I wanted to give the counselor a chance to make things right there before I went above her head. We'll see what she's got to say tomorrow.

As for home schooling, honestly, I've got NO idea how to do it. I don't want my daughter cheated out of a good education because of this. She should, and she WILL be able to go to school, ANY school in this school district without fear of being picked on. You guys know me and know that I won't settle when it comes to my children. If I could afford a private school we might try that route, but we just can't pay for it. I did some checking online and the Charlotte schools actually have higher test grades than ALL of the private schools around here. I just can't home school her. There are days I can't get off the couch, much less have the mental stamina to TEACH her. By God she will be able to go to school, and I will see to it that she does.

I know she's got a couple of girlfriends who are nice to her, but there's only a couple. She is a real homebody and she doesn't go out to dances or to see a movie. It all just breaks my heart. I want the best for my children and I want my daughter to be happy and safe.

I know she hasn't been cutting anymore because she's on the local YMCA's swim team. I see her 4 times a week in a bathing suit, and all that's there are old scars that haven't faded yet. I really believe her when she says she doesn't have the urge to do it anymore. This is not to say that she won't do it ever again, in fact I'm sure if things get to be too much for her to handle she might try it. I have searched her room, and thats when I found her cutting 'utensils' like a sharp butter knife, the top of a metal hanger that she straightened out and gouged herself with, scissors that I thought I'd misplaced.....I've read her journal as well as her online journal. I would NEVER, ever tell her I violated her privacy, but I DO need to know what's going on in that head of hers. She's written nothing about the incidents at school lately, or about the cutting.

I think after all the pounding in her head that I've done regarding the fact that she CAN come and talk to me, no matter what the circumstances is paying off. I told her I would never judge her, ever, no matter what's happened or what she's done. I want to know how she feels about her life, and she's been telling me.

I wish I had an answer, and about the only thing I can come up with right now is that this school WILL be accountable for these children and if it does continue you can BET that I will file charges against these kids. The principal there this year is an ex marine, and he looks like it too...he's getting the school back into shape again and he's definately my next phone call if I don't get satisfaction from this counselor.

I just can't thank you all enough for your prayers and advice. I was picked on too, and jumped in the bathroom, and I remember how it felt. For that matter, I felt like I was in 7th grade again at work sometimes when the women would get together in their cliques and leave me out of it. But, these two kids I reported are BOYS! They're mean, nasty criminals in the making and they will not abuse my daughter.

I'll have my way, I usually get my way because when I believe in something so severely I do everything in my power to make it happen. I will have satisfaction, and my daughter will be safe, and comfortable at her school, no matter what school she goes to.

Thanks again everyone....I'll keep you guys informed.

Sandy

[SandyRN]

I wanted to add that outside of school she does have some activities. She's taking horseback riding lessons and being with that horse is the best therapy she could ever hope for. She's very good at riding and I can tell she's proud of how fast she has learned to ride. She's been doing this for almost 2 years now, year round.

Also, she's on the swim team at the Y, and she's in the drama club and starred in a recent play at school.

She's not totally depressed and she does do things to make her feel good about herself.......we just HAVE to fix this school situation.

[kadi]

Hi again Sandy,
I also remember being bullied in 7th grade. Mean graffiti in the bathroom, being "bumped" into the lockers in the hallway, girls kicking & banging on the bathroom stall door. And amazingly, what changed the whole situation was that it came to a head when a group of girls surrounded me on the yard & began pushing me. One pushed me so hard I was thrown into a fence. Two yard supervisors came over before I could even get up, and took us all into the office. The principal interviewed us each individually & finally called me and the ringleader into her office. I'll never forget her leaning over the desk and saying very clearly to the ringleader, "I know you are leading this group and if anyone lays a hand on Kadi, you will be suspended." I don't know how this would work in the politically correct climate of 2007, but it did the trick. I wasn't jumped again in the bathroom, no one bothered me again. A very kind teacher made his classroom & all his books available to me every day during break. And the next year, I had made friends & finished out junior high happily & successfully, academically & socially.

Writing down dates & times of conversations with administrators is a very good idea, especially in case you do want a school transfer. But, I'm still hopeful this situation can be managed and changed & have a good outcome.

Hang in there, you're doing the right things.

[SandyRN]

Thanks so much Kadi. BTW, I looked at your jewelry and it's beautiful...you've got a lot of talent!

Hugs, Sandy

[Trishann]

Sandy, that is a good ideal about keeping dates and keep the couselor update on this. If this continues and the couselor don't have control over this, maybe she can call other schools to tell about your daughter situation, and then maybe they will transfer her.

Bullys is such a horrible thing and for anyone to go through this, that is ashame. I hope the counselor will be able to settle this situation but if not, ask her for help. As long as she is in school, they are responsible to keep her safe. If they can't do that, they don't have control over their school.

Sandy my heart goes out to you and your daughter. :pray:
Trishann

[Dixiefireball]

OMG Sandy, This thread really touches a deep wound in my heart!
My heart really and truly goes out to your daughter and yourself. I was that very student at one time. During grade school I had no control over my bladder up till the third grade. I had a surgery in third grade that put an end to my bladder control problems but not the name calling, rude comments and kids beating me up because I was different.

Everyday it was a challage for my mom to get me to go to school. My mom fought with the school system for years in hope to get the rude comments, the beatings, name calling stopped. I cried and cried even lied by saying I was sick not to go to school. it was truly a nightmare. I was also scared. No child should have to fear going to school because of other kids!

its unfair for any child to have to go threw their childhood, and teenage years this way. These years should be happy time with little to no worries. Its the parents right, and school system right to put an end to this the best they can. I do honestly believe that stronger punishments need to be held for ring leaders of things like this. Every Child has the right to learn, Every child has the right to feel that their school is a safe place, full of friends, and happy memories, not full of terror!

My thoughts and prayers are with you both during these trying times. I know your a good mother, and will stand beside your daughter and fight nail to nail until this problem is solved to the best it can be. Better yet ended. Maybe you can somehow get tougher punishments for these kids that are repeat defender in hurting their peers in this manner.

from a child who knows how it feels. Rooting for you both 100%

Go get them Sandy!!
My thoughts and prayers are with you both!!

Rhonda

[ihurttoo]

Sandy,

Just wanted to let you know that I think your daughter is very lucky to have a Mom like you who understands and is willing to do whatever it takes to keep her safe. So many parents blow this stuff off, thinking it is a phase and will pass. She is lucky to have a Mom like you to go to bat for her. Go Sandy!!!

Sending hugs to both of you,
Amy

[Annie2]

Sandy,

My heart really goes out to you and your daughter! It is very very hard for me to read about this as it is so similar to the torture my daughter had to endure, including the cutting urges. Even though my daughter is now 29, reading this brings it all back to the surface as if it were just yesterday. It started in middle school and followed her into high school. I fought for my daughter, but only hit resistance and denial from school counselors and officials. The attitude was it couldn't happen in our wonderful school system. Yeah, right! Even though I was a respected educator, the schools did not want to hear from me what was actually going on in their schools. I did refuse to stop and kept at it even though I'm sure there were those who thought I was totally losing it. This was many years ago now. I think it took Columbine and other similar tragic events to open the eyes of some who were in such denial. I hope now teachers, counselors and administrators are really listening to what parents tell them and take it seriously.

Please keep on keeping on, Sandy. You are handling this so very well. You are a fantastic mother and I send you so much love and support. You are getting through to the school and have shown your daughter such love, support and understanding. Your daughter and you will get through this. You are making a huge difference and will be amazed at the closeness you will have when your daughter becomes an adult.

To end on a happy note (and unashamedly brag a bit), let me tell you that my daughter went on to be accepted at a highly regarded university, was an outstanding student and graduated with honors. She worked for several years and gained not only valuable work experience, but also the respect of many of her peers in her field. This past summer she was one of only 32 applicants from around the world to be accepted to an outstanding post-graduate program in London. She is living in London and doing well in her advanced studies. I could not be more proud of the outstanding woman she has become. The greatest joy to me, however, is the close relationship we enjoy. Thank goodness for Skype....we can talk whenever we want for as long as we want without huge international phone bills!

Like so many others, Sandy, I send you and your daughter my most sincere support!

:grouphug:

[Zygala87]

Hi Sandy. My Husband worked for a school system for many years and saw such a decline in discipline and control that he was in shock. All the teachers can do is protect themselves. Most of their time is helping kids with problems in learning. A child such as yours is left to themselves as there is no time to really teach. Our system has run amock. If at all possible can you afford to put your Daughter into a private school? There is something about her personality that lets the other kids know she is an easy victim. If she receives more counsel (she should) I wish that person could work more on her self-assurance. Many people will think it is very unfair for you to have to deal with this in such a way. Right now all that is important is your child. It will take years to turn things around in our public schools. My heart aches for you and your Daughter. Ziggy

[DaniBelle]

with Kadi and all the others...Documentation...Documentation...Documentation! It's just one more thing to have to do when you shouldn't have to be dealing with it all, but when these situations happen, your daughter could write down what happened, who was involved, the date, the time, etc.. You could also write down your observations about if there are any bruises on your daughter, her emotional state due to the bullying and if this continues to happen, you have 100% right to hold the SCHOOL and those HORRIBLE GIRLS accountable, I believe, (I'm no lawyer) legally. A student has the right to feel safe in her/his school environment. This should not have gone past the very first incident. I can't believe the school staff and officials are letting this go on. Shame on them.

Things will be better real soon.

DaniBelle

[waterflow]

Sandy, sorry to hear about the brats in school picking on your daughter. I hope some good comes out of talking with the school conselour but I really don't think it will. I know how your daughter feels for I was the picked on kid too. Had health problems as well so they used that. Most of the time I found just ignoring them worked, but when they start pushing her that has gone past the ignoring problem. How about a relative who is her age going and standing up for her? Maybe having like a body guard or having someone scare the C*** into those kids if they don't leave her alone.....How about defensive classes for her? I really don't know what advice to give but I hope it works out for her and you are a wonderful mother!

[Bessie]

I am so sorry this is happening to your daughter. I know how hard it is when your children are hurting.

I hope you can get some resolution with the school and your daughter can get some peace during her school time.

I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers :pray:

[Bessie]

Oh, and I forgot to put in the post that I think you are an awesome mommy :angel:

Even though your daughter is going through all of this she knows you love her and will be there for her. That means so much to her.

[SandyRN]

Thanks so much! I really appreciate the nice replies. I called the counselor back a few minutes ago, in between sneezes, and she's got to call me back...of course she does! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrgh. At first she didn't even remember who I was, so I'm not real optomistic about what she's got to say to me. Next stop is the ex marine principal if she doesn't give me some satisfaction!

[kadi]

Hi there,
As a high school teacher, I must emphasize the following...

In conflicts involving students or parents,
please do not involve anyone else (relatives, friends, etc) to resolve the issue ... With cell phones, nowadays kids can call in other family members as reinforcements in a matter of minutes. Remember, bullies may have other family members who engage in the same behavior, and can be even more dangerous. We had an extremely violent large group fight start that way last spring. Having family members come in to "talk to"/intimidate bullies resulted in campus-wide lockdown and arrests at my school. Everyone was very lucky that the only ones hurt were the combatants & no weapons were involved. As bad as it was, it could have been worse. The only safe way to handle these issues is through official channels, school authorities.

Usually that is sufficient, but if it is not, then dealing with the police or transfer to another school is the safest solution.

[SandyRN]

Thanks Kadi. I would never push it nowdays, I know better. I know what these "kids" are capable of, because I've seen it up close and personal. I went on a trip to the state fair back in October and we had 4 charter buses full of 8th graders. The bus we were in had to stop several times because the teachers could not get control of the students who were slapping each other, hopping over the seats, yelling at the top of their lungs, and honestly scared the crap out of me. I talked to the principal the next day about the whole episode and told him I'd think twice before I went on another field trip and if I did go, I would be driving myself, even if it's against policy. They want a chaperone, I'll drive, thank you! They have no regard for authority, could care less who gets in their way, cuss worse than a sailor on leave, and can almost kill you with their stare. I'm afraid of these kids myself....this is not to say the whole school is like that, it's not. This is just the 10 or so out of 100 on that bus that made the entire trip home a nightmare.

Apparently the counselor isn't in any hurry to call me back. I'm losing my patience in this whole matter!

[waterflow]

I think kids have no disipline anymore and that is the whole problem. They police offericers now in the high schools where I live and I say if school is that bad shut them down and get the kids out working. If the kids want to behave and learn then fine they can have a small school for them but the bullies and troublemakers would be out working like in the old days. In my time if a student didn't do what the teacher said and if it was major they either threw the kid against the wall or slapped them in the head and I really think they need to get back to those rules of schooling. Kids have been let go and say no one can touch them and adults are even afraid of saying antying to kids. The saying of "kids should be seen and not heard" should really come back. I do know there are a lot of wimpy teachers and school bus drivers. I had many of them but somewhere someone has to take hold and get kids back to being kids. School is for learning and not having to dread and be picked on or beaten up.

[SandyRN]

Waterflow, back when I was in high school we still got paddled and I think the kids were just ALMOST as bad back then as they are now..Now it's all of those problems and a lot worse, like weapons on campus, etc.....of course, there seems to be MORE bad kids around now, but the rats I went to high school with talked back, cussed, smoked pot on school grounds and sold drugs. I'm just not so sure that corporal punishment is the answer either.

My theory, for what it's worth is that parent's dont give a d*mn anymore. As long as their kids aren't bothering them, and they're out of their hair they don't care what they're doing. Nobody takes responsibility for raising happy, healthy children anymore and they dismiss their discipline problems as being someone elses problem. I have seen it happen since my kids were in elementary school. The parents that never show up for the PTA meetings and have children that cause so many problems just aren't "present" for their kids. They have stopped teaching them morals, right from wrong, and they're too d*mn lazy to grab their kids by the collar and TEACH them the proper way to act. If I'd EVER spoken to an adult the way these kids do I would have had hell to pay at home.

My kids have been raised to respect their elders, to eat with their mouths closed, to take care of their's and other's property and to have some compassion when it comes to other kids who have problems. I guess, in a way, this is why my daughter is being picked on. She respects her teachers, makes good grades, and doesn't pick on other kids. So, because the way kids are nowdays, she doesn't fit in! And IT MAKES ME ANGRY! There HAS to be a stop to it and the parents who never should have had children in the first place are the very first place *I* would go if I was a school counselor trying to stop this situation from getting worse. Make them accountable for what their children do and stop passing the buck!

Off my soapbox now!!!!!!!!!!

I'm mad, no phone call........I'm actually shaking I'm so darn angry.

[janelle77362]

Hi Sandy,
I am sorry to hear about your daughter. Young girls can be very mean! I think everyone has pretty much addressed the bullying issue so I won't get into that. But I will address the self-mutilation. As a cutter myself for 10 years I can tell you that just because she says she won't cut doesn't mean she won't. She is probably fighting it but sometimes it is very hard to control. I struggled for many, many years to stop and it takes a lot of will power. For a while I had to remove all steak knives and anything sharp from the house. I seriously recommend keeping anything that she can hurt herself away from her. Don't give her the opportunity to and she probably won't cut.
Good Luck!

[SandyRN]

Janelle, I see her several times a week in a bathing suit...she'd cut her arms and legs the last time, but never cut her stomach. Do you think she could possibly do that on her stomach since we can't see it as often as we do legs/arms? I want to believe that she will come to me if she feels the urge to do that again. It took a lot of courage for her to tell me in the first place, and since then we've grown closer and closer. I can't bear the thought of her doing that to herself again because of these bad kids. What made you finally stop?

[janelle77362]

I hate to tell you this but when my parents started catching on, I started cutting my breasts and stomach. I started cutting when I was 12 and didn't stop until I was 22. (being diagnosed at 21 didn't help things) But really the only thing that helped was the fact that my daughter who was 4 at the time was asking questions. I became very embarrassed and every time I would think about cutting I thought about her. She just has to find something that makes her want to stop, I wish I could tell you what that is but it has to be something very personal and important to her.

[waterflow]

Amen SAndy!! You hit it right on the nose. You are bringing up your children to be moral and wonderful people (and children) and they are the ones the bullies (wimps really) choose to pick on. My sisters were on the borader line of not teaching their kids morals and to behave. I would get so mad that they were allowed to roam the streets, goes to other kids houses (even overnight) without even knowing the parents. There were two kids when I was in grade school who were the rotten ones but as today they would be saints now. 4th grade was the one boy. Teacher tried and tried with him and he finally ahd enough. Picked him up out of his chair and threw him half way across the room to the closet door. After that he was a good kid and went on to get good grades. 6th grade was the other boy. That teacher (different one) smacked the kid in the head and he was a good boy after that. Infact in 7th grade I got to know him and he would defend me against the bullies. Then he left in 10th grade and life went on once again with the problems. I just hope you can find some way for your daughter to go to school, get her education that SHE DESERVES and be happy. I'm sure you will find a way. You are such a carrying and wonderful mother . I will say a prayer for you and your daugher even I care that much so she can be in peace and be a kid. :pray:

[Sarojini]

Sandy, I'm so sorry I didn't post here earlier-- lots of stuff going on here as you know.... but anyway, I hate to hear that your daughter is being picked on by these other kids. It seems that the 13-15 age group is the worst for that kind of nonsense (my mom agrees; she teaches high school but taught at a junior high for a few years and just had to leave because the kids were so awful to each other).

It stinks, because a lot of the time the straight-A students, ESPECIALLY females, get it the worst -- I did. When I was in the 8th grade there were some issues with me being hit and pushed around by these bully girls I didn't know; it got straightened out through something with my parents and the school; not sure exactly what because I've blocked a lot of that year out of my mind, as you can imagine. ;)

So, I've been there too (from your daughter's side) and I know how horrid it can be. It's especially painful when you have no idea WHY they've decided to pick on you -- when just one day somebody smacks you when you're getting off the bus for no reason. I hope your daughter is not cutting again :grouphug: She needs a lot of support right now, and I'm glad you are getting her into her therapist's office again. :grouphug:

[Berkshire Road]

Give up on the Counselor. Just go to the principal. This can't just go on and on while the counselor tries to pretend it's not important.

[tigger_gal]

Hi Sandy,
I do not see how the school can stop you from changing your daughter from one school to another. The school is responsible for these childrens actions. Reguardless of what they say. The schools let things go for so long, its the students running the schools, and the authority is afraid of them. The parents have no control over there kids because they don't disapline them.
Its to bad that the "Law" tells out children they cannot be punished, and if they are they can call cps.... My sisters kids threatened her like that all the time.. they are the worst children in history (and you know of one of them, because of what is going on right now) any who... one night a few years back, these boys where sexually harassing my daughter, she was 12 and theye were 19 and 20.... all hell broke lose and the cops got called... the question arouse about spanking your kid for misbehavior. He the officer explained this law to us... I said you know what, if mine is out of line and a good swat is what it takes then thats what will happen, he promptly agreed but told me that I could be arrested if she called the police on me, my reply was, then when I get out, I'll beat her ass for calling.. The bottom line is, they need to put on their big boy and girl pants and start being accountable for what is taking place.. I am hoping that your daughters school will get off there asses and take some action..

[waterflow]

Tiger gal, what you said about if your child turned you in for spanking her and when you got out you would beat her a** that is the same thing my dad told all of us and I think what you said about disapline is the way things should be. I'm glad I'm not the only thinking this way.

[SandyRN]

I agree that kids should be disciplined but I can count the times I spanked my kids (all 3 of them) on my fingers. I just didn't have to spank them for them to get the point. I raised them to have a conscience and to realize what they did at the time was wrong. The absolute worst punishment for my kids is to tell them I'm ashamed of what they did and that they let me down. All 3 of them have cried their eyes out because they realized they hurt me because of their actions. They got punishment like grounding, no tv, no computer, no cell phone, no going to the movies, etc. And, it worked. My oldest got an academic scholarship to college. My daughter is falling in his footsteps and my youngest is better at math than I am. I'm not tooting my own horn (maybe a little), and I guess I'm lucky that I have such great kids.

Don't get me wrong, they've all been put over my knee or swatted in the grocery store, but more times than not, if we were out in public and they couldn't behave, I took them out of the store/restaurant, and talked to them and if they couldn't act right, we left. THEN when we got home they were punished. I get SO annoyed in the store when I see a mom with a rotten, screaming kid say, "oh baby, it's ok, I'll buy you some candy at the checkout"!! CANDY? For acting like a brat? I dont think so!

Anyway, I've been gone most of the day due to a VERY long pain appt, but no call from the counselor....I put in a call to the principal about 10 minutes ago, and all I can say is something better happen to make this situation go away. If not then I keep climbing up the chain of command.

Thanks for everything....you guys have really helped me through this mess!

Hugs, Sandy

[SandyRN]

FINALLY! The principal called me back and took down all the information including the 2 kids names that Megan gave me. He said there was no excuse for what is happening to her and HE will personally take care of it. He also apologized for the counselor not calling me back. He is going to call me tomorrow, and I know he will. He's a good man, and an ex marine who takes NO crap from these kids. So, I'll let you all know what happens tomorrow....::fingers crossed::

[humpieumpumkin]

Finally some results Sandy! :woohoo: I hope he's a Hard a$$! :tsk: I know what you mean, parents often reward the bad behavior by giving in beacuse its easier...thats easy for me to say though, not being a parent yet! :rolleyes: Thanks for keeping us posted!

Erika:hi:

[petrie86]

My heart really goes out to your daughter Megan... I too was bullyed around in 5th and 6th grade. One girl who was like 3 times my size used to sit next to me in math and dig her pencil into my hand and make me give her the answers to the test or homework. It was horrible. I know exactly how she feels. My mom got involved with my principal and councelor. That girl never steped within 2 feet of me! I will be praying for your daughter and I wish you all the luck!

[petrie86]

I forgot to tell you that it might be good to contact the Superintendent of Schools in your town. After speaking with the Superintendent I would follow up with a letter and cc it to an attorney if you have one. Or if you dont maybe the mayor or the local newspaper. There was an incident in a local school here in nj where a child was bullied for a long time and the principal didnt do much about it. The child is now paralized b/c a punch to the stomach created a blood clot in his spinal column. I would strongly advise you to contact the Superintended!!!

[SandyRN]

Rachel, that's just terrible. I'm sorry to hear about the boy who was paralized due to bullying. I'm trying to get a handle on this now, before anything that drastic happens. Just by them knocking books out of her hand, and poking her really hard in the lunch line they've committed assault, at least thats how I see it! I'm sorry for all of you that have gone through bullying as a kid.

[Bessie]

I hope the principal gets to the bottom of this and takes care of the situation. I know how frustrating this has to be. Hang in there.