Not sure my husband is so understanding

[carjet]

It is so hard for me to write this and talk about it. It is hard sometimes for me to read all of these posts because my husband doesn't seem as supportive. We have been having issues with sex and IC in general. He has never pressured me in anyway and we were still having it about every 2 weeks or so, it just hasn't been very eventful I guess you could say. A couple of nights ago we got into an argument and he admitted he has been looking at porn. Now I know a lot of guys do this, but it justs upset me because I thought he was more understanding of our sexual problems. It made me feel less attractive than I already do from gaining 12 pounds and not feeling like wearing anything but lounge clothes. In the mist of the heated argument, I asked him why he felt the need to look at porn and he said something along the lines because he found me unattractive. He also went on to say that he didn't find me physically unattractive it was just that I have been so down on myself that he finds that unattractive. I just feel so hurt. There was a time when he made me feel like the most beautiful girl on the planet.
He said that he is going to make every effort to work with me on this and get educated on IC. I have given him several things to read from this website and I am also looking into counseling.
Also, his mom died of cancer when he was 14 and was very ill for several years before that. I feel that this may be affecting how he sees me and how to deal with the IC. My husband is a good man and up until now, I would have thought he would do anything for me. I want to take all of the right steps, so any other advise would be appreciated. I have already been through one divorce and I don't know if I could handle another:help:

[waterflow]

I'm so sorry to hear this happen to you. I'm not married or even have a bf but I have argued over these two issues so many times with people since the IC happened. First to me if the husband or wife is complaining that they are not getting enough sex when the other person is ill then to me that isn't much of a marriage. It's for in sickness and in health. Maybe I take the vows to much to be "word" of a marriage but there are a lot more reason for not being able to have sex then just IC. I think it is just awful for a husband to say that to his wife who he is to love. Do you mind me asking how long you have been married? I have been told if I had a husband it is my duty to lay down for him at any moment wether I felt like it or not. I say if that is all there is to a marriage he can get it out on the street and keep right on walking. I also do not agree with men or woman looking at porn. To me that is no difference then having sex with the other person. it's only in the mind. They just didn't have the nerve to go out and do it. I probably shouldn't have responded to your post but I'm so sick and tired of hearing men say a woman is to "perform" when they say or that gives them permission to go else wear. I think you find out what people really think of you when something major happens. You find out who you can depend on. Maybe with time when he reads more on this he will come to understand it all. Maybe he was having a bad day I don't know but for you to be so understanding about him after all he said says you are a wonderful wife who he should be thankful for having. I hope things work out for you both. :grouphug:

[carjet]

One thing I want to stress is that my husband has never pressured me in anyway. It was more that we just didn't talk about it at all which can be just as bad. I also want to point out that I enjoy sex very much myself and miss having really enjoyable sex terribly. We have still been having it, but it just hasn't been all of that exciting for either of us because we are being careful with the IC.

I appreciate you comments, but we do have to understand that living with someone that has a chronic illness is not easy either. I can only hope that he will do the things that he says he will like read more on IC and go to counseling. Believe me I will not put up with much BS, but I love my husband and will give him the opportunity to help make this situation better. I am hoping that there is some else out there who has gone through this situation. I find it hard to believe that every person on this board is married to a saint:angel:

[Babs RN]

Mine is about as understanding as a brick wall and previous to our separation wanted sex no matter how painful it was for me. As far as porno, I don't even know where to begin. I am not morally opposed to it in a loving committed relationship, however after 14 years together mine took it to a whole new level. I have had a rough going with my hubby for a good while and he has filed for divorce. The chronicles of my experiences are in multiple threads . Please PM me if you need to talk.


Hugs,
Barb:smile tee

[ihurttoo]

I totally understand! I am right there with ya, girl! Same thing is going one here, (with the exception of the porn.) My husband is certainly no saint either!! (But, then neither am I!)

Like you, I love my husband. However, there are definately some issues that we need to work on.

For me, my husband doesnt get the whole IC thing either. (Nor does he understand my other illnesses.) He never ever goes to the Dr. with me, so how could he? He wont read about it either. He says that as much time as I spend here on the ICN, that if I havent figured it all out, then how can he? Lame, I know. But that is what he says.

It hurts my feeling b/c we live on a farm and raise cattle and goats. Believe you me, if one of the cows or goats gets sick, he is the first one on the computer, reading all he can to help them. But, with me, I have been sick for years, and he hasnt read one $#$&$ thing!!!

Also, before I had IC, Lupus, Fibro, and all my other things, I would try to make sure dinner was ready and waiting when he got home, and that the house would be clean, and I looked nice. Now, of course, that is not all possible, since it takes me all day to do what a healthy person could in a couple of hours. I try to do something, like clean the kitchen. Well, used to, I would just go do it. Not now! Now, I do the dishes, then stop to rest for 15 min. Then, I clean out the fridge. Then, I have to rest for another 15=20 min. I go to sweep and mop. and have to rest between each task. It takes hours to do this simple thing!!! And then I am exhausted and hurting worse and must lay down for a few hours.

It is frustrating for me and for him. But, he comes home, and things arent done and he will say stuff like, "I guess I have to do everything!!" Then, I will say something like, "Look, you know I am on disabilty, and I am sick. They dont put you on that for no reason!! If I were physcially able to do this stuff, I would go out and get a paying JOB!!" Then he will say something sarcastic like, "Oh, yeah!! I forgot! You know how easy it is to forget your sick! What with the heating pads everywhere, the pill bottles in the big bucket, lets not forget your constant medical bills, or that you lay in that bed most of the day!! Yeah, it is easy to forget!"

Then, I just mutter curse words and walk off, go to bed, and cry.

I dont want to hijack your thread, I just wanted you to know that you are NOT alone! Every marriage has difficulty somewhere, the happy ones are just the ones that work thru them. When you see the "happy" marriages around you, just remember that you never know who is cheating on who, who is hitting who, who is in debt up to their eyeballs, etc. No one truly knows what goes on in others marriges.

I am not going to say that your husband can be fixed, or that mine can either, but your marriage and mine have somethng that alot of peoples dont...we have the love.

Yes, your husband has hurt your feelings, and mine has too. But, we still know that they love us. How do I know? Well, it aint easy living with someone who is sick and they could have left if they wanted to, but they havent!

The other thing, as far as your extra weight goes, I have gained some since I got married too. (I am still a good 30lbs overweight, but have recently lost 30lbs!:woohoo: ) Anyway, I can tell you one thing he IS right about, and that is that alot of what makes a woman attractive is how she carries herself and her confidence. That is what he was trying to tell you. Since you have gotten sick and gained some weight, the confidence is what you have lost that he misses.

Think about it, when you are all dressed up, with your hair fixed, your makeup on, and wearing something that fits you just so, dont you look in the mirror and have a little more confidence and feel more attractive than you do with no makeup, hair in pony, and wearing the sweats? And yes, you may look more attractive when you are dolled up, but it is that confidence that you know you look pretty good, that makes you sexy.

A good example is my Mom. God love her, she is about 50lbs overweight, and 59 years old. She does have a pretty face, but she is overweight. However, my Mom has more confidence than anyone I have EVER seen! And you know what? She is single and dates several times a week, and most of them are men that (no offense to Mom!), but most of them I would look at them and think, that they are out of her league! But, she gets em and keeps em till she is tired of them, and then moves on to the next one!

Most 59 yr old, twice divorced, overweight women would be home sitting on the couch night after nite, thinking about how they need to do this or that to get a good man, but not Mom!! She dates alot because she thinks she is hot! :lmao: If you ever make it down this way, and we meet, I am gonna take you by there to meet her. That is the only way you will get it!

But, your hubby is right that you gotta have that self confidence to be attractive. The self confidence of an average woman makes a man look twice b/c he is thinking, "Ya know, I dont see it. She obviously thinks she is the stuff, but I dont see what she is so confident about, but I sure do wanna find out!!" That is the confidence!

Wow! I wrote another novel! Sorry so long! But, I just wanted you to know that you arent alone, and there are people who understand, and I am one of them. If you want to talk, feel free to PM and will be glad to give you my number.

Hope this helps!

Hugs from your Ky neighbor,
Amy

[Fluffy2]

My husband and I have had so many fights about my disinterest in sex especially since I have had IC. I had a hard time for him to take any interest at all with how I may be feeling. It seemed to be all about how the lack of sex was affecting him.

Finally, while I was on a business trip he went here to the posts and read what I had to say about my relationship. It really shook him up and I am happy that he took enough interest to do that. He has changed his whole approach since coming online and reading. It hurt his feelings I know, but he needed to see it in black and white I think. I am luckily not so sick that I can't work or do regular activities but that can be worse too because you appear to be fine for everything- except him.

I am certainly obliging in other ways in the bedroom but if I am irritated "down there" he is not going near it!!! I am nothing if not creative. His desire level is high and mine is likely pretty normal and even before IC we had differences about frequency.

Carjet, I would worry about his attitude and think it may signal that there is trouble brewing if not looked after. You may want to suggest some couples therapy. Many couples need this kind of rekindling after a few years of marriage. Don't ignore his comments though-he seems like he is having issues with seeing you as a sexual being perhaps because of the illnesses etc. This is fixable! My sis is a clinical sexologist so I hear about these issues a lot.

Good luck!

[lisalau]

When i read threads like this, i cry and cry
I feel ashamed and as though i am a spoilt brat.
You see, my man is the kindest man, ever.
He always wants me to rest and sometimes even gets angry at me for doing the shopping and cooking, when he says he is perectly capable of doing it after work
but when it comes to physical intimacy of any kind, my man is asleep
he always holds my hand, comes with me to appointments when he can, never hardly leaves the room without kissing me and yet when we are in the bedroom, he is so disinterested in me, it breaks my heart.
I hurt so badly that he wont touch me, i cant sleep. I get anxious and the pain skyrockets. I get aroused and the pain is out of this world. I feel like my man doesnt find me attractive and has no desire for me. When i try to talk about it, he doesnt want to.
Sometimes i feel as though 'I' am the thoughtless man who tries to pressure his loving wife into sex. I could live without the sex if he could just stroke and kiss me but as humiliating as it was to ask for that, it hasnt changed a thing.
I used to be like your mum, Amy (except the overweight part) I was confident and men were attracted to me but now, i have no confidence at all. If my man doesnt want me, who else ever would? And i dont want anyone else, i want him, i want him to want me and to love me. I know he does love me but not wanting me has made me feel like a leper and killed my esteem.
I feel ashamed and then i feel angry, why should i be ashamed of wanting a normal relationship with the man i love?
tonight i suggesting councilling and he flat out said no.
i just cant reconcile the loving man i have during the day with a man who would purposefully diminish and ignore my needs at night
just so you all know it works both ways....and neither is nice i guess
hugs

[ihurttoo]

Lisa,

My heart breaks for you, after reading your story. Although, I havent seen a pic of you, I am certain you havent changed that much since he married you. Even if you are heavier or thinner, the same face is still there, and the same person is inside. And like I was telling you about my Mom, even the xtra weight obviously doesnt matter, since it doesnt keep her home!

There is obviously something else going on with him. There could be several possiblities. It just doesnt add up that he is that attentive to you everywhere but in the bedroom. If he were cheating on you, he wouldnt be attentive to you anywhere! So, I dont think that is it. Unless maybe he is gay? Hope you arent offended at the suggestion, but he wouldnt be the first man who was gay but fighting it and trying to live a conventional life, because his sexuality conflicted with his personal beliefs. He may have grown up in a home that was religeous and perhaps taught that it was wrong, and that decided that he was going to choose a heterosexual lifestyle, even though he isnt attracted sexually to women. Is this possible?

Another, (probobly MUCH more likely) theory, is that he may love you so much that he doesnt want to have sex with you b/c he knows it will cause you pain afterwards and send you into a flare. He wouldnt be the first to do this either. I have read lots of women who have husband's like this. They all say the same thing, that he wont even hug, kiss, or cuddle them, b/c he doesnt want to get aroused for fear it will lead to sex, and then his wife will end up hurting.

With everything you said about how attentive he is otherwise, I am betting that the latter is it.

That would also explain why he wont go to counseling, b/c he knows there is no way sex isnt going to end up hurting you, so seeing no solution, he opts to say nothing.

Another thing is maybe he is just not a physcially demonstrative person, and has a low sex drive. My husband isnt demonstrative either, hardly ever hugs, or kisses me, unless it is meant to lead into something else. He says it is b/c he gets aroused by even hugging me,and lots of times we dont have time to do it then, or he knows I wouldnt want to then, so he avoids those things. Plus, he just isnt an affectionate person. I am, so this is a sore spot, but nobody has it all! So, I have learned to just accept this is part of him.

I am sure it is something that has nothing to do with your attractiveness. I mean, you dated before him, so obviously, you were attractive to other men. You still have the same face, and like I said about my Mom, the imperfect body hasnt slowed her down! And he may be like alot of husbands and just find you too attractive to cuddle w/o getting turned on, and doesnt want to hurt you by sending you into a sex related flare.

So, pls dont beat yourself up over this. Sorry this is so long, but I wanted you to know that you arent alone.

I hope he changes his mind about counseling, so that whatever it is, he can open up and let you know, so that you dont go on thinking that it is you.

Hugs,
Amy

[Moonheart]

Amy, YOU have found your calling! I'm going to insist you go into the field. You are fabulous at it!

(((((((((((((all the girls who are hurting, inside and outside))))))))))))

[Claredale]

I kind of got upset myself last night. My husband is very attentive and we spend alot of time together. He always holds my hand and is very patient when I have my fits over nothing, etc. There are times when we go to bed that I at least want him to hold me, but next thing I know I hear his steady breathing and know that he is fast asleep. It takes me a while to go to sleep and there are times that I cry and feel sorry for myself. We even plan night dates at times, but sometimes I fall asleep in the den and he wakes me up to go get in bed. By then I am awake and remember (to myself) that we had "plans". I am sure that he feels that I need my sleep and he hopes that I will be able to fall right back to sleep. I do hurt alot of times after sex, but I do my best to keep it to myself especially since it is usually the next day. We have been married for almost 24 years, so I know things slow down and all, but like car, I just wouldn't mind being woken up to a surprise sometimes!!!! What's one more night being sleep deprived! LOL!

[Moonheart]

Yeah...I so miss being woke up from under the covers at 3am. :) :D

Sorry....got carried away there. ;) Just want you to know you are not alone. :)

[carjet]

I really appreciate your comments and it makes me feel so much better that I am not alone. I have made an appointment for couples therapy and I do feel like my husband is willing to try. Unlike the rest of you, we are newlyweds. We did live together for a couple of years prior though so we don't exactly feel like newlyweds. I feel like since my symptoms have gotten worse over the past few months, it freaked him out. When we were living together, I always had the pain, but it seemed to be more under control. I also have more of the pain after sex rather than during sex, so for the most part sex was always enjoyable. I just had to deal with the pain afterwards which is not fun either.

Amy, I do appreciate what you were saying about needing to have confidence and I feel like what you said it probably true. Although what he said was probably the most hurtful thing he said to me, it has opened my eyes. I do need to have more confidence and do whatever it takes to not let the IC, Vulvodynia, weight gain, etc get me down. I need to try to do more for myself, even if it is just something little. I loved the story about your mom. She sounds like a hoot! I saw something on tv about a woman who had cancer and while going through chemo, she always wore red high heels to make herself feel better or more attractive. Maybe this is something we can all learn from. Although most of us probably don't feel like wearing high heels when we are feeling bad, maybe we could do something else like wear red lipstick or a sexy top.

I am going to try to have faith in my marriage. I do feel that my husband is a good person and that he loves me, although he has done and said some stupid things. I will let you know how counseling goes.

Thanks for all of the help!

[ihurttoo]

Carjet, "A hoot" doesnt even halfway describe her! LOL! She is something though!! :lmao: But, you definately need a little of her confidence. (She has TOO much anyway, she can spare some! :biglaugh:

Moonheart, As always, thank you for your kind words, but I am wrong ALOT! (I get it honest though....see my reply to Carjet above! :lmao: )

[S.MARLER1997]

Hi Im Sorry U Have To Go Through This But Maybe Ur Husband Will Come Around I Was Told In 98 That I Had Ic And Its Hard On Ur Spouce Because Ge Dont No How Bad U Really Hurt I Gues Ive Been Greatful That My Husband Understands Ok But I Still Need The Support From People Who Have Ic Ive Learned In The Past 8yrs It Dont Get Better It Gets Worse As U Get Older.

[lisalau]

Thanks Amy, Moonheart and everyone else
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
I think you got it all pretty right Amy, except my man is very very affectionate and demonstrative UNTIL we hit the bedroom
Its funny, for most women, making love begins when the man gets home from work, listens to her, helps her with the dishes and takes the rubbish out without being asked
if thats the case, my man is a wowser at foreplay!!!!
re the possibility of him being gay, i have wondered this myself. When i mentioned it to him (and he knows i dont have a homophobic bone in my body) he denied it......and as far as not wanting to hurt me, i have never suffered during sex, in fact, sex has been soothing many times for me.
He did once tell me, in the initial stages of our relationship, that i didnt have enough time for him and that he felt ignored by me during the day and that just didnt put him in the mood when i was ready to turn my attentions toward him
We were raising 5 children then (now 4) and i took his words into consideration and ensure he too got his me time but that didnt help anyway
the other possibility is that he does have a very low (non existant) sex drive
I know he is still attractd to me, i look the same as when we met.
I feel like i am betraying him talking about this, i should not be discussing things which would hurt him but i am hurt too! very very hurt
it is very hard accepting the love and support from a man who 8 hours previously, rejected me.
Tonight we had a terrible argument
He feels i protect the children too much regarding my illness and that they are behaving selfishly. I admit that like most teenagers, they are not as considerate as they should be.
Eg staying in bed that extra 10 min and missing the bus every morning so i have to get out of bed to drive them when many times i have only fallen asleep a couple hrs previously
otherwise they are great kids...lazy but their rooms are always very reasonable, they dont jump out of bed on a sat to ask what they can do to help this weekend etc
i dont know if i mentiond that my legs have developed strange welts and swellings but on monday we found out that is amaloydosis, the fatal part of my disease. If we cannot get it under control, i am terminal. he took this very badly and i think part of his being able to come to terms wth it is him being able to see we are oulling together as a family to get me thrugh the next difficlt perios
sorry for bad typing, very sorry, i will edit tomorrow, am so tired
hugs all

[kjd]

I am so so sorry this has happened as I know myself how horrible it is to be rejected and to feel unloved and ugly!
I gainst 13pounds too and feel terrible and dont see myself as attractive in the slightest and so fed up!
I personaly believe that your husband said these things to you about being unattractive in the heat of the moment to hurt you! He knew how you felt about yourself and he knew it would hurt you! At the end of the day the stress of IC affects the partners of the sufferer too so I am sure he is very angry at what has happened to you and unfortuantley he has taken this stress and anger out on you which is wrong!
Now you feel even worse about yourself but you need to learn to love yourself despite what your husband thinks. You are a remarkable woman to live with IC and you have beauty within and confidence actually makes a person more appealing!
As for the porn, I wouldnt worry too much about that at all. I suspect the porn has obsolutely nothing to do with you anyway. I once read that one in three men who have regular sex and happily married still look at porn and it has nothing to do with there feelings for there partners. I believe this as I once caught my partner looking at sex which was prior to IC and we have more than regular sex and I knew he was extremely attractive to me. As hard as it is dont let it affect you personally but make sure he knows how it makes you feel. Men think porn isnt a big deal but if its affecting your confience then it is a big deal.
If he has agreed to make more effect and learn more about IC then I know he must be sorry and love you very much, or else why would he bother??? I know how hard this is for you and you are frightened of being along but make sure you value yourself and your husband needs you accept you as you are with IC and work with you!!!!
I hope this help you! I did have relationship problems about 4months of being diagnosed and my boyfriend said he couldnt cope with the stress. i was devastated and so depressed but he said he loved me and wanted to stay with me and a year later we are stonger than ever. In fact the whole thing has made us much much stronger and I feel better about myself.

I recommend the councelling though as this helped me alot

take care

[ihurttoo]

Lisa,

Actually, since arrousal is painful for you, even though you get relief with sex, he COULD associate sex with pain for you. (Even though once your needs are met, you get relief.) He may worry that he may not "meet your needs" and you will be left hurting worse! I mean nobody batts a thousand!

It could be that PLUS a low sex drive. Has he ever tried Viagra? It might be the answer to getting you guys more in sync sexually. Just a thought!

Thanks Amy, Moonheart and everyone else
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
I think you got it all pretty right Amy, except my man is very very affectionate and demonstrative UNTIL we hit the bedroom
Its funny, for most women, making love begins when the man gets home from work, listens to her, helps her with the dishes and takes the rubbish out without being asked
if thats the case, my man is a wowser at foreplay!!!!
re the possibility of him being gay, i have wondered this myself. When i mentioned it to him (and he knows i dont have a homophobic bone in my body) he denied it......and as far as not wanting to hurt me, i have never suffered during sex, in fact, sex has been soothing many times for me.
He did once tell me, in the initial stages of our relationship, that i didnt have enough time for him and that he felt ignored by me during the day and that just didnt put him in the mood when i was ready to turn my attentions toward him
We were raising 5 children then (now 4) and i took his words into consideration and ensure he too got his me time but that didnt help anyway
the other possibility is that he does have a very low (non existant) sex drive
I know he is still attractd to me, i look the same as when we met.
I feel like i am betraying him talking about this, i should not be discussing things which would hurt him but i am hurt too! very very hurt
it is very hard accepting the love and support from a man who 8 hours previously, rejected me.
Tonight we had a terrible argument
He feels i protect the children too much regarding my illness and that they are behaving selfishly. I admit that like most teenagers, they are not as considerate as they should be.
Eg staying in bed that extra 10 min and missing the bus every morning so i have to get out of bed to drive them when many times i have only fallen asleep a couple hrs previously
otherwise they are great kids...lazy but their rooms are always very reasonable, they dont jump out of bed on a sat to ask what they can do to help this weekend etc
i dont know if i mentiond that my legs have developed strange welts and swellings but on monday we found out that is amaloydosis, the fatal part of my disease. If we cannot get it under control, i am terminal. he took this very badly and i think part of his being able to come to terms wth it is him being able to see we are oulling together as a family to get me thrugh the next difficlt perios
sorry for bad typing, very sorry, i will edit tomorrow, am so tired
hugs all

[carjet]

Just wanted to update you all. My husband and I are getting along so much better these days. We have gone to a marriage counselor and communication has really been the key. We have really made an effort to talk about how we are both feeling about the IC, sex and pretty much everything. We have also taking steps to make sex more comfortable and enjoyable, so it has not been something that I dread doing or avoid doing.

I was also hypnotized last week. It was really interesting. When I went "under", I felt like I could barely talk. When I finally felt able to talk, I found myself talking about things that happened to me 15 years ago when I first started having symptoms. The weird thing was that I started having alot of bladder pressure when I was under, then when I was awake and aware of what was going on, I went to the bathroom and you would have thought I drank 2 gallons of water. It was very strange.

Anyway, I really appreciate everyone's help. I feel like all I can do is never give up. I am going to keep working on my marriage and myself and try to live life as best as I can.

:smile tee