Lack of interest?

[GriffsMommy]

Has anybody else lost their interest in sex all together. I've been married for 3 years and been with my hubby for almost 5 years. I love him so much, I find him attractive (though I don't think he believes me when I say that anymore) but usually I have no desire to have sex whatsoever. I was diagnoised with endo about 4-5 years ago and that's when my pain started. It got worse and worse and if I wasn't in pain during sex then the sex usually through my into pain afterwards. I was just diagnoised with IC a month ago and it was like a light bulb went off over my head when the doctor pushed on my bladder and I couldn't believe how similiar it was to the pain I felt during sex. My hubby tries to be understanding but he is ALWAYS in the mood and when your wife never is it causes problems. Other than our sex life we have an awesome marriage but it is so stressfull when I know he wants to and I don't and he can tell when I don't want to. One of the nurse midwifes at my doctor's office suggested that we try to just "cuddle" and kiss without having to have sex, yea right, my hubby doesn't want to start something and not finish, he said that will drive him more crazy than he already is :( I wish that there was something I could do to make the pain stop and learn to appreciate sex again.

[Fluffy2]

I can relate to that 100%. My sex drive was never what my husband's was -ever. But now with all the problems it has caused in the last couple of years I really find myself at odds with him. It is a constant battle in many ways. My sister is a clinical sexologist and she tells me in her practice the difference between men and women's needs is the biggest complaint of couples. In my case I have been married for nearly 13 years and I think there is some resentment for the times that I haven't "owned" my sexual experiences with him. For years it was easier to just do it rather than wait till I was actually in the mood. This is hard on the marriage I think. Men need to get more educated on these differences and not feel so threatened by them. I have tried to teach my husband although he tends to be a little immature about such things. When your sister is the only sexologist in the province you would think he would be more understanding but it would be better if we could see a stranger rather than take advice from someone he believes to be a little biased! Work on this and if possilble both of you speak to someone professional about it. Unfortunately many doctors don't make sex a comfortable conversation.

[4kidzmom]

that's a tough one. I struggle with this issue too, and it's difficult. I do feel bad for my hubby that he no longer has a wife who can enjoy sex like we used to....but now it is always, painful no matter what position we try. Guess we should all give hugs to our understanding, (though frustrated hubbies.

[rachann]

My honey is so understanding. We have been together for almost 9 years and married for over 3. He is so use to never getting sex that he doen't even beg, or throw guilt trips anymore. My own guilt is what is driving me crazy. I feel like such a bad wife because I am not giving him a human basic need. He already has to deal with the fact that I often don't feel well. He is such a wonderful guy and I just feel like he deserves to be with a woman that can give him what he needs in the bedroom. He is only 26 and was a virgin when we met. I have told him that he would be better off to devorce me and find someone who is healthier and he told me that I would have to do the devorcing because he is going no where! I guess we need to thank God each and every day for our men and try to do what we can for them when we feel good. We are in this together ladies!:grouphug:

[Fluffy2]

Rachann you are very lucky to find such an understanding man. Not to say mine isn't great overall but when it comes to sex he is a little more of a whiner. I guess I was hoping that he would be more mature and concerned for my welfare rather than his own needs. I suppose because I am not walking around crippled up or bedridden he likely doesn't understand this condition well (like so many of the the medical community for that matter) or realize how problematic having sex can be. I make every effort to keep him happy and don't usually go more than 2 weeks without having sex. Keep in mind I'm not always referring to intercourse. As you know one must be more resourceful than that in our situation. None the less- I really hate the fact that I don't feel like doing it most of these occasions and that breeds some resentment. If my husband was like yours I would probably be all over him!!!

[rachann]

Fluffy2, thanks for the compliments. I am pretty darn lucky. Tell your husband that mine will teach him a thing or two for a small price! (ha, ha.)

[GriffsMommy]

Oh my goodness, once ever 2 weeks and my hubby would lose his mind. We have sex several times a week. Nothing crazy, usually in the most comfortable position for me which he finds boring but it's what I can handle. I don't know if my pain is as bad as everybody else's since it's so different for everybody. I have some sort of pelvic pain every day at this point it just depends on how bad it is. Unless it's really bad I try to have sex anyway basically to keep him happy because if I wait for no pain I'll be waiting a very long time. I only tell him no if it's really bad, like last night I was having a lot of pelvic pain, so it was a no go. I just hope that someday this pain will get better and I'll be able to think of sex again as something good as opposed to a chore :headbang:

[rachann]

wow! Several times a week! Your husband has no idea how lucky HE is. My honey and I haven't been able to have sex that often in years and we are only in our mid twenties! He should count his blessings.:woohoo:

[donnadb40]

I just don't do it. I've been married for 22 years and I know that my poor husband is suffering, but I have no interest in it at all for various reasons, mostly health related and all having nothing to do with him. I actually believe that after 22 years of marraige and KIDS, that I am ASEXUAL. I NEVER, EVER, EVER have the urge to have sex!!!

[Fluffy2]

When it comes to sex- there just is no "normal" when it comes to frequency. Everybody and every couple has there own normal. Donna, you are not alone in not feeling sexual. This is a very common problem for many women. And it is not even a "problem" unless it affects you negatively somehow. I've been married 13 years and it wasn't that long ago that my husband could not go a few days without it. As we get older things get more comfortable and I can say, despite the frustration he feels with my IC, he definitely has slowed down the pace a bit. Likely that is from coming to terms with the difference between my needs and his. Add to this that we are getting older as well. For me, I suffer mainly from urethral discomfort and to have sex means days of burning and itching and back pain. If my only symptom was pelvic pain during and then I would be okay as soon as it was over I wouldn't bat an eye at sex all the time.

[MColl]

I am twenty four and have had IC sice I was twenty years old. I finally found an awesome doctor who put me on Elmiron and it has helped. I am married and I love and am so attracted to my husband, but I never want sex. I am so fearful of getting a urinary tract infection, and the pain during and after sex is unbearable. I just got over a really horrible UTI, the worst I have ever had. He tries to be understanding, but I know it really frustrates him that we never have sex. I really am frustrated with my condition, and it really depresses me. I am so glad that there are people out there that understand what I am going through. :)

[achef]

Hello everyone. I am married to an amazing woman who has IC. I knew this when we met and had no idea what it meant. The first few months we were married we had sex often and now that she is in another flare-up we are not having sex. I know that in my case I am unsure how to show her that she is still the right one for me, she still is attractive to me and that she is, as always has been, the most beautiful woman in the world. I am not a romantic person, and the only way that I have ever been able to show I care is thru sex. If anyone can help me learn new ways to show I care I would great give thanks! I know that it upsets her that I want to make love, but that she can't because of the pain, and I would never let her just do it to make me happy. Her health is so much more important than sex.

[Susie2271]

I, too, don't usually want to because of the pain during and afterward (usually the next day). I also don't have the sex drive my husband has.

I found that when I'm not feeling good though, laying in bed talking intimately, kissing and holding each other can be pretty great. We've had some of our more honest and emotionally releasing moments actually when I'm lying in bed not feeling too great. NOT that I want to relive THAT part of the moment! :)

I, too, told my husband he should divorce me and marry someone else for sex and children since I also haven't been able to conceive. He said, "Nah, I'd probably find another woman who has way more problems than you." lol

As far as "romance" though, it's probably individual. I would say my husband cooking dinner using a recipe from the IC cookbook when I'm still slaving away at work is pretty romantic. He gets home earlier than I do, but doesn't have to start dinner necessarily. Plus, he's chosen some recipes that have quite a few steps like chicken cornbread casserole. He's a pretty good cook, too.

[L. Thomas]

Hello everyone. I am married to an amazing woman who has IC. I knew this when we met and had no idea what it meant. The first few months we were married we had sex often and now that she is in another flare-up we are not having sex. I know that in my case I am unsure how to show her that she is still the right one for me, she still is attractive to me and that she is, as always has been, the most beautiful woman in the world. I am not a romantic person, and the only way that I have ever been able to show I care is thru sex. If anyone can help me learn new ways to show I care I would great give thanks! I know that it upsets her that I want to make love, but that she can't because of the pain, and I would never let her just do it to make me happy. Her health is so much more important than sex.

Think with your heart first...not your head. We gals are heart first and you guys are head first.

[rachann]

Achef, I think it is awsome that you took the time to be on your computer reading our concerns and asking how you can show your wife how you still care. My husband is hardly the romantic and I'll tell what I would love him to start doing.
1. snuggling is so important. Mine won't kiss and snuggling unless he thinks he is getting some. That hurts because even if I can't have intercourse I still want to be kissed and held.
2. Tell her how beautiful she looks today. Even if I am feeling bad, I still like to know that my husband thinks I am beautiful no matter how bad I feel or look!
3. Listen. It helps me a great deal if my husband just lends his ear and lets me vent my frustrations about this illness. Even if it is the hundreth time he has heard it.
4. Doing special things. If my husband came home and cooked an IC friendly meal, I would die of shock and be thanking my lucky stars for such a fantastic husband!
I think your heart is in the right place and I think your wife is a lucky lady. I wish you the best! Rachann:wink:

[achef]

Ladies, I want to say thank you for all the help you have been giving me! First I would like to say to you all that I am in awe of you for everything that you go through in a day. I would also like to say thank you for everything that you do for everyone else during the day. Ms. Rachann, I make a point to always tell my wife everyday that she is the most beautiful woman in my world, and I was born to be a snuggler (sex or no sex). :smile tee

:help: One other thing I need help with, how can I help her during the really bad pain days! What are some special tips and tricks that we can try to help with the pain.

[rachann]

I first must say that you are worlds ahead of many husbands whose wives have ic. On bad days it just helps to simply be there. If she needs peace, give her peace, if she needs help, give her help, if she needs a shoulder to cry on, give her a shoulder. Massage can help to relax tension in the body. A great shoulder and back rub can be beneficial. For some reason I feel like you really don't need this advice because you already know it!:smile tee