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lisalau
11-30-2006, 10:21 PM
Hello and Thankyou all soooo much!
I have been reading from the IC network for years but never ventured into the forums before a few days ago
Here I found so many stories similar to mine that I have been reading and crying for days!
Thankyou all so much for sharing your stories and allowing me to finally find some kinship, I am so humbly greatful for your words
My story...
(get a drink, settle down and be comfortable, this may take a while...)
I was blessed with health and 5 children. For almost 40 years, i enjoyed pursuing the kind of life only someone blessed with a pain free existance can imagine. Sure i had occassional UTIs and colds but nothing that got me down. I ran a home, enjoyed part time work (running a baby clinic and a small catering company) and was the typical (if quiet) soccer mum.
One day I noticed what i thought was the beginnings of an UTI. I drunk water and swallowed cranberry tabs, took ural eventually when i realised this wasnt making the difference went to see the doc for some antibiotics.
He happilly gave me some and took a midstream to test the cultures.
No culture found and in fact I has noticed that i WAS lacking the usual burning when i voided, i only had the frequency and urgency
Over the next 3 months, these symptoms worsened...i found the only way i could sit was if i had a block of ice between my legs.
I saw a urologist who schedualed a cystoscopy and put me on a low dose of daily antibiotics assuming i had a diverticulum that was harbouring infection.
Cystoscopy showed no diverticulum. The doc stretched and legnthened my urethra and found an extraordinary (his words) amount of inflammation but he said that it should be causing me burning when i pass urine, not the symptoms i complained of.
The symptoms worsened and i felt as though my bladder and urethra were in constant spasm. My GP gave me some valium to try and control the spasms but this had little effect on them.
The urologist sent me to a gyno who specialised in vulval disorders
she sent me to a physio who did some gentle myo fascial stretching
the pain had me screaming the house down and climbing the walls
but i am getting ahead of myself....
somewhere in there i suffered a huge psychological trauma
i walked in on the murder suicide of my nephew and sister
the pain i suffered was immense and its impact on my urethral/bladder problem can only be guessed at
3 weeks after this tragedy i started getting a temp
i had no other symptoms other than the frequency/urgency
my temp peaked at 42.2, no amount of antipyretic would reduce it, i almost lived in a cold shower
during one night (about 4 days into the illness) i felt as though a house had crashed and landed on my chest and my wonderful man took me to hospital where i was admitted into intensive care and remained there for the following 7 weeks.
noone knew what was wrong with me
they removed my gall bladder but then said there was nothing wrong with it
eventually i got better, noone knew why and was sent home
3 weeks later, i had a terrible pain in my chest
it radiated from my sternum to my right shoulder blade and my body was racked with unbearable pain
i got scared and called an ambulance who immediately diagnosed acute pancreatitis and took me to hospital
My parotid glands were swollen and my face looked like a balloon
i was placed in isolation (in case i had mumps) and in 2/3 days felt much better
only it happened again
and again
eventually they decided i could not keep coming to hospital every week just for pain relief and gave me morphine sulphate injections for home use
the hospital teams of infectious diseases, immunology, urology, gastrointerology and pain management continued to monitor me.
as a wonderful side effect of the narcotic therapy, my urological problems calmed down sufficiantly for me to forget about them.
5 months later and i was diagnosed with FMF (Familial Medeterranean Fever) a genetic disorder best described as an inappropriate inflammatory response. I was put on colchicine to reduce the severety and frequency of my 'flares' and the pancreatitis settled down dramatically (as did the pluerisy, the nephritis, the arthritis and every other 'itis' you can think of)
2 months later I began to wonder whether i continued to require such high doses of injectable narcotics...i was now taking the correct treatment for my disorder and the possibility of the pain i was experiencing being caused by my mind making a justifiable excuse to take the morphine occurred to me.
I spoke with my GP about this and then to my team. They all discouraged my disontinuing the treatment as i was doing well. However 3 month later, they agreed to hospitalise me and allow me to withdraw under their supervision and asess my pain without the morphine
BIG BIG mistake, friends!
Suddenly, it wasnt my CHOICE, I was being treated like a narcotic abuser!
Added to the discomfort of withdrawal was the return (with a vegence!) of my urinary symptoms which were now being treated as an excuse to return to narcotic treatment.
I was narcotic free for 5 terrible months. The pain in my pancreas was overwhelming and the pain in my urethra and bladder was back. I was losing my mind!
My doctors kept telling me that as i was not having acute pancreatic attacks, i was imagining the pain (perhaps as a way to get more drugs?) and that the urinary pain was also impossible, what i was describing, simply does not exist!
eventually i found a gastrointerologist who did not know of my FMF diagnosis (and therfore was not convinced that my 17 acute pancreatic attacks in 3 months could NOT have left any damage) who performed a colonoscopy and diagnosed chronic pancreatitis....thankfully i was now once again offered some pain relief!
This was about the time i had the myofascial stretching. When i rang the physio, hysterical with pain, she suggested i (quietly, she never reffered me as she didnt want to lose the refferals the other doc sent her) I make an appointment with Prof V C at the Royal Women's Hospital (Syd Australia)
This was quickly arranged and he has been my angel!
He was determined to prove I was experiencing what I said, not dismissed me as impossible.
He set up a urodynamic study which proved all the muscles WERE in continuous contraction. He has set up endo gynae and urogynae wards asnd clinics all over the world and said he has never seen a result like this
He posted the results on the internet and asked anyone who has seen and treated anything similar to please contct him.
He set up a cystoscopy/laproscopy and asked another Prof M to join him.
He found ulcers and amalaise deposits but nothing to explain the unusual action of my muscles. The 2 Profs decided that perhaps the protein deposits were responsible and that instead of shutting down, my muscles just began to function in a very primitive manner.
By this time relaxing them to void was beginning to take up to 1/2 hr each time i used the bathroom.
The only person to respond to the Profs internet query was a vet who has seen this condition in cats. His treatment was to put them down as living with this was too cruel but my Prof wouldnt consider this treatment for me (giggle)
At this point I began to use intermittant catheterisation. I still always tried to void in the usual manner but only waited 5 min, then i would catheterise. The Prof made me up a 9.7% lignocaine gel to use to numb the urethra as invading it with the catheter irriated it so much, it made me cry and scream.
He suggested we use botox to paralise the muscles and though it may make me incontinent, wanted me to consider it. It didnt take me long, incontinence i can live with, this pain i could not tolerate!
4 units and $4000.00 later (botox in Aus is subsidised for facial wrinkles but not for what i needed it for...I asked Prof, couldnt he say i wanted a really pretty urethra and bladder but he said it wouldnt work so i took out a mortgage to begin to pay for all these medical expenses)
Unfortunantly, the botox didnt make any difference at all!
By this time I had tried
medications:
antibiotics (short strong treatments and long, low dose ones)
valium
baclofen
morphine
oxycontin
mscontin
ordine
B&O Suppositories
silver nitrate
lignocaine
botox
procedures:
cystoscopy (3X)
laporoscopy
stretching and dilation of my urethra and bladder
alternative treatments:
cognitive therapy
meditation
visualisation
music and colour therapy
TENS
myofascial stretching
accupuncture
accupressure
moxibustion
Chinese herbs
homeopathy
naturapathy
massage
diet modification (both oxylate reduced and candida)
and so many more i dont think i even remember, some with some positive effect, many with none. I continue to use many of these skills on a daily basis and to these I attribute still being here as the pain is often so soul destroying that i get a compulsion to cut myself, not as a way to cause self harm but, and its so difficult to explain, to feel some 'release'..does that make any sense to anyone???
B&O Suppositories are not available in Aus, but when i read about them on this site, they made so much SENSE!!! To dissolve both a narcotic and an antispasmodic within the pelvis would achive both a systemic and proximal relief! I asked the Prof about them and he asked a friend in the States to send him some. They worked so well!!! however a compound pharmacist couldnt make them for me and we have not yet found a way to get a supply here. I was so disappointed I cried like a baby.
Fast forward a year later and here I am. I now have ulcers all over my urethra too and catheterising became a nightmare! So my 2 Profs have installed a suprapubic cath to give my urethra and bladder a rest for a while. Its been in for 8 days and i hate it!
I am now in agony all the time! I also have a UTI which I am sure isnt helping matters. I am almost finished a3rd dose of antibiotics (they gave me one while in hospital) and my bag is still full of blood and each time i open my bowels, a trickle of urine runs down my urethra and i almost pass out from the excruciating pain.
Tomorrow I will having an MSU to find out why the antiBs are not working, my last MSU indicated it would respond to these so maybe i have cultured another bacteria, who knows?
Sorry about the loooooong post, its my story and i thank you for reading it.
Thankyou so much for this site, I feel so sad to know that so many of you suffer as I do (but selfishly glad to not share this only with cats!)
warmest hugs
lisa

Katrina
11-30-2006, 10:58 PM
:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:
:welcome: to the ICN!
WOW...you were not kidding..............

the pain is often so soul destroying that i get a compulsion to cut myself, not as a way to cause self harm but, and its so difficult to explain, to feel some 'release'..does that make any sense to anyone??? Yes!!!! been there :grouphug: It seems so odd that that emotional impact from the severe pain gives a compulsion to "harm thy self" as a release. I know you said you did not want too harm yourself and I totally get it....it is just soooo overwhelming you feel like you could explode.



I so hope you can get relief from all of your suffering!!!!!!!

Kathi
12-01-2006, 12:57 AM
I'm so sorry that you have been going through this for so long. Perhaps another one of our Aussie's will get in touch with you & they have a dr. that might be able to help you. My heart goes out to you & your family for all the pain & suffering you have to endure. Gentle hugs, Kathi

ihurttoo
12-01-2006, 01:23 AM
:weclome: to the ICN! (Well, you know, to the posting part! :))We are glad you took the plunge and came out to introduce yourself and become involved!

I agree, WOW! You have really been through the ringer! Sorry you have gone through so much. I hope that the Prof can figure out something that will work for you soon. He sounds very kind and dedicated. We need many more like him! I wish your country had the B and O's available, since they help you so much. It just doesnt seeem right! I hope you get relief from something soon. Hugs, Amy

marymove
12-01-2006, 01:25 AM
Oh, you poor baby. Wish I could do something more than give you big hugs across the world and pray for some miracle in your life. You are an inspiration. Keep fighting the fight!!

leelee88
12-01-2006, 03:09 AM
I am so sorry Lisa, You have been through alot..I hope finding this site can give you some answers and if you ever need to talk or vent im here for you..:grouphug:

Sarojini
12-01-2006, 03:43 AM
I am so sorry you have gone through all of this... your story is amazing and it makes me sad to know that you have gone through so much.

The compulsion to hurt oneself while in pain is common; it is your mind's way of telling you what has been proven in studies -- that if a person in pain in one place develops pain somewhere else, it can eclipse the first pain for a little while as the brain concentrates on the second injury. To be very honest here, I have actually done this in a sense -- when I got my tattoos, that pain/prickly sensation eclipsed the bladder discomfort for a while.

However, have you thought about talking to a counselor occasionally? Sometimes this can provide relief from that "I'm gonna explode" feeling in a less physically harmful way... :grouphug:

lisalau
12-01-2006, 09:22 AM
Thankyou all so much for your kind responses...and cyber hugs to you all also! I know you all have suffered too. I feel like i have sisters....oh girls, you're making my eyes dribble, and i dont do crying!
Sorry bout posting this in the wrong place, thanks mods for moving it...i will learn.
I am looking forward to meeting others with children and sharing how we deal with this and our kids. I only have boys and my littlest is 9. He looked sad the other day and when i asked why, he said it was because he thought he was going to be able to teach me to aim with my new funny blue penis! instead sadly, it just leaks into a bag. My mum thinks i should hide all this from them but i dont...i try to find some humour while allowing them to be sad that mummy has changed but accepting that although they have suffered along with me, there is now more time for cuddles, talks and that seeing what kind compassionate boys i raised was worth every pain i experience.
gotto keep reading, ladies...so much more to learn.....
XxXxX

lisalau
12-01-2006, 09:41 AM
ps (Sarojini) Jen et al
Thankyou so much for sharing your thoughts and the studies on why i have this awfull compulsion
I do see both a psychologist and a psychiatrist (although rarely) They both work with me on things like cognitive therapy, visualisation and other mind matters to try and reduce the pain.
I have told them the way i feel about this is this (oh, does that make sense?)
If anyone has paronychia (an infected toe/fingernail cuticle) when a sterile needle is pierced through to the infection and the pus is released, there is an enormous feeling of relief. I get the feeling that if i cut myself, i will feel a similar relief. I also only want to cut my genital area, nowhere else. I would be in much more trouble if i were male and had something to cut off!
Both these wonderful ladies help me deal with the grief i feel. both over the loss of loved ones and my health.
It is the general concensus of my docs that the trauma awoke the dormant disorder.
I try to feel positive about that...obviously the protein had been silently laying for years and if i didnt flare, i would never had known about it until suddenly one day i would die of kidney or heart failure because my organs were being quietly strangled by the amalaise.
Warm Thanks to Amy, Lee, Mary, Katrina and Kathi also....your kindness has really made a difference to my day!

ICLori
12-01-2006, 10:52 AM
I'm so sorry for all the suffering you have been through, and the denial of the pain meds you so badly needed, and I'm sorry that the doctors don't know how to help all of us better than they do. There is still so much we just don't know yet.

I just hope so much that you and your doctor will be able to find a remedy that will restore you to health so that you can enjoy life again, soon...

Blessings,
Lori

Babs RN
12-01-2006, 11:43 AM
Jeepers you have been through the ringer. Here's hoping and praying you will get your life back very soon. Oh and I almost forgot, welcome!


Hugs and:welcome: ,
Barb:hi:

Bianchi
12-01-2006, 01:43 PM
Is there any way your Dr. can order B&O sup. on the Internet? I dont understand if it helped you that much, there must be away for your Dr. to get them from the USA ? I just hope someone can. I feel so bad for you, you have been so attacked by pain in all areas. I hope someone can help you.
Take care,
Bianchi

lisalau
12-07-2006, 01:08 PM
Thanks again for your kindness
A compounding pharmacist is STILL working on making something similar for me (I think...not sure, its been so long now)
I am waiting for a call from my pain doc who told me 2 days ago to drop my oxycontin dose and increase my mscontin dose (which has been a nightmare)
I sat at my sons graduation for 3 hrs 2 nights ago and have still not recovered..slept the max of 40 min at a stretch since and feel terrible.
I keep hoping he will try me on fentanyl but he keeps having other ideas..like the increase of morphine but i would LOVE to throw away all thes pills (I take oxycontin, mscontin, prolodone suppositories and endone) and just have a patch...seems so much simpler
I just HATE having all these pills in the house...i keep them under lock and key but it still frightens me as i have so many teenagers here all the time (last Fri there were 19 for dinner!)
I have asked my boys to reduce the number of friends around as i cant keep up with the cleaning and cooking and shopping and they have been much better
i am having a lot of trouble following thoughts today as the spasms are driving me WILD
warmly
lisa

leelee88
12-07-2006, 01:20 PM
I know how you feel Lisa,
I have 2 teenage boys and they know im sick, but they still bring there friends over and mess things up, I try not to fuss to much, because I know if I was feeling better I wouldnt mind at all, its so hard having to deal with this disease and trying to take care of a family, but so many of us has to do it. We also get my husbands kids 10 and 11 every 2 weeks and have them for 14days, so at times we have 4 kids here and its tough, my husband does his part around the house, but its still stressful.

If you ever need to talk pm me, I know all about loosing loved ones. If you want you can read my story, look under the post Share your story..


Big Huggsssss

sandramac
12-07-2006, 04:53 PM
:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :kiss: :welcome:

RuthP
12-07-2006, 08:53 PM
I know excatly what you mean, and here I thought I was the only one. The other day another trip to the ER. I have cronic kidney stones too. I was trying to explain to the nurse that yes, I know I could be worse, like cancer or somting along those lines. But She didn't like my come back when I said atleast they, cancer patients, know when it will pass. We don't because the longer you have it the longer you will. I am now on permant narcotics. and I am only 42.

maryla
12-10-2006, 05:21 AM
Lisa, I'm so sorry you have to go through all this on top of losing your sister and nephew. Wow! How horrible! Ic itself is more than enough! Hugs for you and prayers, God Bless!