I am so upset

[Ashelliak]

I am having a very hard time right now. I am about to lose my job. I have only been working for 7 months but, before that I spent 2 yrs at home so, this was a big accomplishment for me. I really enjoy the job and I really want to work. But, I am in so much pain all the time and I keep getting horribly sick. My bf just does not understand. He feels that it is my fault that I am losing my job, that I should have just "sucked it up" and went to work. He just does not get it at all. He really upset me tonight because, I am very distraught already at the fact that I am losing my job and can't work or pay for anything but, tonight his two sisters and best friend were all sitting in our living room and he mentioned something about work and I told him I had to work for the rest of the week and he made this HUGE deal in front of everyone on how I am going to lose my job and that its my fault. I feel like such a failure. I already feel bad enough and I really did not need him pointing that out to everyone. It just made me feel worse. I really need his support and all he can think of is the money. He will tell me one min. that he doesn't care about my job, he just wants me to be healthy and happy, then the next min he goes and says stuff like that. It really hurt me. I know I should try and talk to him about it but, it won't matter. He is very opinionated and he believes what he believes. I love him very much but, am deeply hurt by him right now :*( :shake:

[tigger_gal]

Hi there Ash,
Thats my daughters name too ;)

This is really going to sound very harsh, but the sad fact is it is very true..
Please do not consider marring this man.. Believe me when I tell you, he will never stop, his attitude will get worse and every chance he gets he will rub your face into you not working and it is all your fault..

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE, you are sick, and you are in pain, he cannot accept this. You need to take care of you and you do not need the added stress of someone trying to make you feel bad, insecure, and worthless.
If you ever need to talk you can pm me..

[ihurttoo]

Hi there Ash,
Thats my daughters name too ;)

This is really going to sound very harsh, but the sad fact is it is very true..
Please do not consider marring this man.. Believe me when I tell you, he will never stop, his attitude will get worse and every chance he gets he will rub your face into you not working and it is all your fault..

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE, you are sick, and you are in pain, he cannot accept this. You need to take care of you and you do not need the added stress of someone trying to make you feel bad, insecure, and worthless.
If you ever need to talk you can pm me..
She is absolutely right!!! Please heed her advice! She knows what she is talking about!

It is not your fault that you are sick. Since you are unable to work, please consider applying for SSD or SSI, if you havent done so already. If you havent been fired yet, and you know it is coming b/c of your health, please call in sick, and get to the Dr tomorrw to get a note to be off until you can get on Long term disablitity thru work to cover you until SSD comes thru.

I am sorry that you are hurting. I hope you listen to Cindy (TiggerGal). She has given you the VERY best advice you will probobly EVER get in your whole life, that may save you years of heartbreak. I just hate to see you go thru that.. Hugs, Amy

[Kara29]

Ashley,

I private messaged you!

HUGS!

Kara

[Ashelliak]

Hey guys, thanks for the support. :) I really appreciate it. I have decided to go for ss/dis. It is just trying to figure out how to start and all the things I need. It is a bit overwhelming. I am so stressed about everything and I just want everything to go smoothly. I was so happy to work again (somewhere I actually liked) so, they I could have my own money. It was a mini-accomplishment for me. And Steve was so happy to see me happy. But, now even though I still love it there, it is becoming unbearable to be there beacuse of the pain. I wake up some mornings and the pain is so intense an it makes it hard for me to do my job. We are also a very small department (we have about 11 employees) So, when one of us is sick..especially the way I am, it makes more work for everyone there. It is just a sad moment for me. And I know it is stressful for Steve and it is hard for him to deal with sometimes. He just doesn't know how exactly. He just wants me to be better and I think he is in denial a little bit as to how bad my health really is. He is a very good man but, he was brought up in away where no matter what is happening in your life you push yourself. I can't do that. And he knows that and it scares him. I love him more that my own life and I want to marry him. But, something that scares me and him especially is that we eventualy want a family. It is something that we both crave to have in our future. But, What scares me is that when we do have a baby I will get sick and not be able to be a good mom. It scares him too. I just have alot of stress, And my bf doesn't know how to deal with it. He has never has to deal with anything like this. I have had to learn to deal with this disease and my other health problems. Sometimes it is just all too overwhelming. I don't know how to make him understand differnet things and honestly I don't know how to deal with this stuff either. Lately it has been so bad and has been really really hard. I am just stuck in a rut and sad right now. Trying to have hope....:dizzy:

[Zygala87]

Ashley Dear, can he read? Copy off some of the horror stories here and ask him to read them. It may give him a clue. I am a Grandmother. I know you have a closed mind because of your heart about this man you are with. As we grow older we start to think with our minds. The advice friends have given you here is very sound. We all wish we could save you from a world of problems with this man. Getting disability is a difficult thing but NOT impossible. Get all your ducks in a row. Have all your medical records copied and given to you. Pay for that if you must. Start ASAP. If it is too much for you to handle alone, get a Lawyer. Many IC patients have had to go on disability. Too much anguish, pain and frequencyof going to the bathroom and many other reasons. You need self confidence. Don't let anyone put you down. They are not walking in your shoes. Do all that is possible to care and love yourself. I care about you. You will succeed. You CAN do it. Best wishers for sure. Ziggy

[ICNDonna]

Actually what the two of you may need is to see a qualified counselor --- something we are not! If your bf won't go with you, go alone. The two of you need help with communication skills.

Warm hugs,
Donna

[ShePurzz]

Hi Ashley,

I want to put in my two cents as well. While we aren't trained counselors and it would be a good idea for you to go see one with your boyfriend (or alone if he won't go with you) the advise these people are offering you is from their experience with bad relationships -- no one ever wants to see someone else take a road that is hard and depressing and if [you] have ever been down one, you will try with all your heart to help others avoid taking that road. I too was down it with a very verbally and physically abusive man for 12 years -- the father of my three daughters.

I do want to encourage you to ask yourself a few questions -- based on these answers, hopefully you will take time to deal with some things in your relationship with your bf and hopefully INSIST that if he wants to continue in the relationship, that he will seek counseling first.

First, make a list of the things you love about your bf. Be honest, and don't just write stuff that 'sounds right' but rather, think before you put it onto the paper.

Second, make a list of the things that you do not appreciate in his behavior toward you -- be honest again and DON'T make excuses for the reasons he does the things he does -- don't EDIT the list -- be honest --- remember -- THIS IS YOUR LIFE you are talking about --- while you feel a very strong love for him -- that isn't the thing people are questioning here -- noone doubts that YOU love HIM -- I think the concern is for whether or not HE TRULY LOVES YOU or if he is still in need of a lot of training in how to treat people, and perhaps needs a lesson in how valuable a persons self-worth is. So, be honest when you write out your list -- don't protect him -- expose these things TO YOURSELF.

Lastly, consider talking to someone at the Women's Resource Center and asking them for advice on good counselors for this type of problem -- It appears that your bf is not concerned about YOUR self worth, or your self esteem. He appears from these notes to be concerned about his own self to the point of hurting YOU with words and actions. I hope you will step back, re-read what you wrote when you were hurting, and then do my last list...

Write down your value -- put on paper WHY you are valuable -- not what you wish, what you are missing, or what you would be if you didn't have IC -- but YOUR REAL WORTH! Are you honest, trustworthy, kind, generous, loving, caring, compassionate, giving, helpful, understanding, a good cook, a good friend, a faithful person, hard working, patient, etc.... put it all down on paper.

Now, write down the REASONS you deserve to be treated with respect -- #1 you are a person --- EVERYONE has the right to be treated with respect -- #2 you have a heart and a soul and you have feelings that can be hurt by mean words or comments. #3 you have not hurt anyone else -- you are sick, but being sick doesn't mean you are lazy, un-helpful, or unwilling to do your share when you are able. List the things about YOU specifically that make you a person of worth.

Now, this is more difficult -- write down the reasons you are willing to be treated LESS than respectfully... this is hard, but it is very important and can help you get inside of your OWN head -- a counselor is really important here because she/he will help you to get really honest with yourself here. This can be from issues of when you were little, but it can be from issues of adulthood too -- it isn't all "your dad's fault" so to speak -- you have chosen to allow yourself to be treated less valuable that what you are for a reason -- try to understand it and PROVE it --- for example.

Perhaps you would say -- you have IC and you don't think that anyone else would want to be with you... Prove that -- well, I am with someone who loves me and treats me with respect -- and others here are with husbands or bfs that treat them with respect -- YOU TOO can and will find someone who will treat you with dignity and respect -- so you CANNOT prove it to be true -- you CAN find someone else...

Another example: You love him so much and you can't live without him -- PROVE IT! How -- go back in your life before him -- how did you manage. If HE were to leave you, could you take care of yourself or find another friend who would help you through? Of course you would. Would it be fun and easy, probably not, but you CAN do it -- you have value and you will find someone who appreciates that value... but BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO and it will always be so, and it has always been so -- breaking up isn't a comfortable thing -- it is painful to change the way things have been, it can be painful to be alone when you are hurting and wish you had someone to hold you, etc... however, prove it to yourself -- you CAN do it if you HAD to do it and since it isn't trye that you CAN'T live without him -- at least acknowledge that much. Not saying you HAVE to break up, but tell yourself things that are not true -- such as "I can't live without him" --- especially if there are good reasons to at least consider living apart until he does something to prove he deserves you.

Again, I really hope you will find a good counselor and I suggest you go through the Women's Resource group in your area -- these women are professionals at helping you see both sides of this situation -- they have worked with thousands of women who have gone through exactly what you are going through and they have encouraged and given new leases on life to women who would otherwise stayed in relationships that were not helpful, were probably hurtful all because they just needed SOMEONE to tell them they were valuable ... YOU ARE VALUABLE ON YOUR OWN!!! Don't let ANYONE tell you differently -- YOU CAN do it on your own if you need to, and you can find someone who will treat you with respect and dignity ---

I hope you will step back, reread your first post and then take time to do some journalling -- then, make that first call -- seek help and guidance that may help you avoid living way below your value level for the next several years of your life...

HUGS to you and many prayers that you will heed the help and advise of the women who love you and care about you and have posted their personal stories here to support you and show you that you CAN get out of a bad thing and either wait for it to get better or find something else.

BE WELL and BE GOOD TO YOU!!!
YOU DESERVE ONLY THE BEST!!!

Hugs and prayers, :pray:
Mary

[redfearn]

Ashley--:pray:

Hey there!!! My middle name is Ashley--named after a comforter--Laura Ashley--HA AA!!!

OK--down to the point---I know you really love your boyfriend as I did when I dated my soon to be ex-husband....When you have your significant other not believe you and tell you to suck it up and go on...that is a sign from God to really think about your future....While I loved my husband and thought he would eventually understand...I was fooling myself...my life has been torture to say the least!!! I did end up being fired from my job and lost every friend I had==and also loosing my husband b/c they were too weak to stand by my side...That's the way I look at them--WEAK, WEAK, WEAK!!!! :tsk:

You cannot help you're sick--you need to be around positive people, although you cannot expect that there's always going to be perfect times, you cannot be around someone who picks at you b/c THEY don't know how to handle your disease...they are the ones who are SICK!!!!

If you need to talk to me--please PM your number--I will talk you through this and I will be your "friend". EVERYONE DESERVES A TRUE FRIEND!!!!!!!! There are soooo many of those here--(thanks KARA, AMY, BRIZA, and especially BARBARA aka BARBS RN). These individuals have been there for me--even through out their pain--to me--that is a TRUE FRIEND!!

Good luck--and please don't think I'm lecturing...I've just lived in your shoes and been where you are now...I don't want things to be like they have become with me!!

:)
Laura

[Briza]

This is really going to sound very harsh, but the sad fact is it is very true..
Please do not consider marring this man.. Believe me when I tell you, he will never stop, his attitude will get worse and every chance he gets he will rub your face into you not working and it is all your fault..
YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE, you are sick, and you are in pain, he cannot accept this. You need to take care of you and you do not need the added stress of someone trying to make you feel bad, insecure, and worthless.
If you ever need to talk you can pm me..

Ash
I loved someone very much, too, but when I wrote those things down on paper or just a list in my head, like Mary said, the reality was right there in front of me. He is gone and I am much better off now. Yes, we are sharing our bad stories because we've been down that road and don't want anyone to suffer the same, but yes, by all means try to get him to go to counseling with you, and if he will not go, then you need to go alone. I went alone. My heart goes out to you, and I know your pain...physical and emotional. If nothing else, please do not marry if this is the way he makes you feel and will not communicate and will not seek counseling with you. That will not change, if anything, it will get worse with time. I hit rock bottom and thought that marriage would solve all our problems, thank goodness I didn't go thru with it. And you know what? Since he's been gone I have had close ZERO IC or vulvodynia symptoms. Remember we are here for you and that you need to surround yourself with positive people, here and with your girlfriends, family, whoever it is that can turn to for love and support. :pray: :pray: :angel:

Laura:hi:
You sound good and strong! :angel: PM or call me and let me know how things are going. I think I read you have major surgery coming up soon? You are in my prayers.:pray:

[tigger_gal]

Hi Ash,
The hardest thing to learn in life is putting your heart a side and thinking with your head.. unfortunately this is the time to do it. You cannot explain IC to someone who is not interested in knowing and in learning what IC is all about. If you truly love someone you do not take that extra effot ti isult them in front of family and friends. This is in excusable. He has absoulutely no respect for you to treat you the way he did (dose). You deserve better, I want you to know this and understand this.
My husband still to this day throws it in my face that I do not work.. not that I cannot because I am sick and on ssd.. just that he lost x amount of dollars that I use to bring home... ok big flipping deal.. I have lost part of my life so how dose that grab ya!! I became disable while married to him, and righ now if I wanted to leave I cannot because of other reasons.. You have a choice right now not to marry this man. Don't get your self into a marriage and realize later that it was a mistake. Honey he is not going to change.
What is going to happen when you are a party or somewhere where there is alot of people and he blurts out you know we could have nice things if you were working bla bla bla, and it is your fault because you can't hold down a job.... You are going to be devostated and want to knock his lights out for him. If he is like this now he will be like this next moth, next year, and ten years down the line.... Please think of you.. There are men out there that would never disrespect you, and ridicule you for being sick..
sending you big hugs....
all this is comming from the heart from someone who has been there..

[ihurttoo]

Ashley, In reading this thread, the only analogy that I can think of to explain to you what we are all feeling is this: When we read your words describing what he said and how he treats you, most of us feel like lung cancer patients who used to smoke many packs a day, watching a teenager starting to smoke. By that I mean, that for many of us, the damage is already done. But, for you, we still see hope that you wont go down the same path we did.

None of us want to see you have to experiance years of the same treatment you have been getting, or that many of us received (or are still receiving.)

Yes, we know you love him. And if you left now, yes, it would be heartbreaking. But, at least you CAN still leave....you still have that choice. Later on, once you are married, and have children and if you get on disablity, it will be much harder to leave, if you can even afford to leave at all!

At the same time that I say this though, I know that just like a lung cancer patient trying to get a teenager to quit smoking, it is probobly futile to tell you any of this and will most likely result in nothing more than irratating you. But, please know that we tell you this out of love for a sister, and that just like the lung cancer patient telling that to the teenager, we tell you because we must.....we are compelled to tell you out of our own pain.

If you dont leave, (and I suspect you wont), then please at least take the advice of Donna and Mary to see a counselor. I beg you to at least do that.

With sisterly love,
Amy

[Kimchi]

There is some hope for him depending on how open minded he is. When I was 1st diagnosed w/ IC and endo, I was so sick. Sicker then I have ever been in my life. I was 23. Several surgeries later, a hysterectomy and some weight gain, my husband of 3 years and I separated. We had a 2 yr old child and I was very suspicious that he had been cheating on me. We were seperated for 3 mos. He was NEVER sympathetic to my illness or how bad I felt. He blamed me for everything. It was a pure nightmare. He would go out until all hours and leave me at home, sick, with our child. We did get back together and have been stronger then ever, ever since. April will make 18 yrs. He his older in years, close to 43, is more understanding of my illness. He is now one of my biggest advocates. But it was one hell of a battle, let me tell you. I often wonder how different my life would be if we were to have proceeded w/ the divorce.

On thing for sure, being so young and facing marriage and children is hard enough. You are also dealing with paying your bills. Like most young couples, you probably are already living paycheck to paycheck. Then throw in the IC and illness and is it a recipe for disaster.

I hope everything works out for you. It is a very tough road. Take the man to your Dr. Maybe you Dr can help him understand how bad you feel. Then sit him down and find out if he is ready to fight this life battle by your side. If not, there are other men out there that will. It will hurt and be tough but better to get it over before you throw children into the mix.

I pray this will all work out for you. I am sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time.

Oh, tell him if he wants to know what you feel like all day, to pour some vinegar or salt on an open wound!

[Ashelliak]

Hey guys, sorry it has taken me awhile to get back to you about this post but, I am have been in a real bad flare the past few days and have not gotten out of bed much. Thank you all for your kind and supportive posts. The other only thing is that he is not neglection of my being ill. He has been wonderful with all that. Just the idea of me getting sick and seeing me really bothers him. He is extremely worried for me but, at the same times doesn't quite now well enough how to handle a situation like mine when it comes to important things.bills.etc. It scares him the most that he won't be able to support and him while trying to take care of me. It is just overwhelming for him on his end as itis on my end except im the one who is sick. He has a lot of same worries I do only, on his end-if it can't do the things he needs to do for me and care for me, it makes him feel like a failure on his end and that I am not getting the care I need. It has just been comtemplated lately. He doesn't blame on me but, he does qet stressed and it is all an effect of this stupid disease!!:headbang:

[Babs RN]

Hey there,
Sorry I haven't posted sooner but have been busy with starting back to work and taking care of Lindsey in the midst of the IC and infected stones have worn me out. I agree with everything people have posted and just wanted to say that if you need to talk, I am here also. I am separated for a whole lot of reasons, but my hubby's acceptance of the IC(or lack thereof)put the final nail in the coffin. You are a wonderful person, remember that.

Hugs and love,
Barb:hi: