Total mental breakdowns anyone?

[armslee]

I am not sure if that is indeed the technical name for them as I am not a "technical kinda girl".

Monday when I saw my therapist, we began talking and I just fell completely apart. My emotions were like a rapid river that had just burst through the dam of sanity I had built up around myself. This went on for over 45 minutes. Apparently I have been so good at hiding my feelings that I won't even show them to myself. Apparently that time has come to end this charade whether I want it to or not.

Once I got ahold of myself I asked her, "what do we do now, about this?" She suggested some anxiety meds (the Klonopin) and I started on them Tuesday. The first dose made me feel drunk so I decided it better to only take it at night.

I have been REALLY tired all week. I don't know if it is JUST the drug, or my body being so exhausted or my brain not being able to repair the dam. At any rate, yesterday at work, the dam broke again.....just as bad as Monday. Really freaked my coworkers out! They all thought it was medication and that I shouldn't drive. Good grief! :cussing: I appreciate the minimal concern but you know, it is what I am dealing with here people!!!!

This stress of trying to contain a "normal" life and carry on with these dreades diseases are killing me! Having my pap Tuesday and worrying about my cancer coming back, geez it adds a little more kerosen to the fire. On top of that I have so many bills that I can't take off the time from work that I need to just to physically rest.

My mind is so full and body is too exhausted to handle this anymore!!!!

I am afraid that the two previous mental episodes are just the first of many to come. And now today, I come back to the office and everyone is tiptoeing around me :cussing: :cussing: :cussing: :cussing:

Someone please tell me it will be ok.
I need hugs.
:help:

[ICNDonna]

Please --- call your doctor and let her know how you are reacting to your new medication. Sometimes it takes a while to find just the right antidepressant in each individual case.

Warm hugs,
Donna

[SharonA]

I am sending you so many hugs that you are going to start begging me to stop. Here comes the first one now...(((((HUG))))).

Ready for more???? (((((HUG))))) (((((HUG))))) (((((HUG))))) ...

[Trishann]

Wendi, sending you hugs and prayers. No you will not always be like this, you will get better.

Hugs, Trishann

[ShePurzz]

Hi Wendi,
Two summers ago, my flood gates opened too and I am a better person today for having gone through it -- I want to offer you support and hopefully a little understanding of what you have to go through to get to the other side... mostly acceptance of your situation and the willingness to get the help and accept the support that is needed and offered to you, respectively.

First, I want to suggest a book that was first suggested to me many years ago by a phychologist that I really had a lot of confidence in -- but when he told me the name of the book, I not only stopped going to him, but I also wrote him off and 'shoving a book in my face and not dealing with ME' as a person. It is called the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook....
When I had my breakdown -- very similar to what you described -- I went to a day program for anxiety, stress, drugs, alcohol etc.. problems. I didn't think I belonged there because I wasn't 'a drug or alcohol addicted person' however, they also dealt with stress and panic disorder, manic depressive disorder and lots of other stuff... When I got there, one of the books that I was told to get was [You guessed it] "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook" and this time, I said, well, I already have it at home, but this time I read the assigned chapters -- they assigned us chapters according to our own issues.
I tried very hard to understand the guidance and counselling I was being offered -- I truly wanted these anxiety and panic episodes to STOP now, however, I had some walls too, and I didn't really know what they were. I was released back into my own world after several days throughout a week, but I didn't feel I was really ready to be on my own with my problems and within a few days, I was back and asked to PLEASE, do not send me home until I am ready this time.... I didn't stay over night -- it is a day program -- you go from 9-3 every day and if you had asked me if I could 'afford' to take the time off for it, I would have said -- NO WAY -- it meant my husband had to get off work and drive me every day -- and then pick me up because I wasn't able to drive myself at this point... Then a week later he had to do it again -- (DO NOT FORGET THE VALUE OF A WHOLE PERSON -- do not convince yourself that you CAN'T take off work for getting the help you need -- as a broken/fractionated person you are not able to contribute fully to your home and your family -- when you get the help YOU need -- you will be stronger and be able and capable of handling more) Talk to your employer about taking a week off with vacation or sick pay and call your insurance company -- most have a very good coverage for anyone who is severely depressed or contemplating suicide, etc.. they PREFER to pay in advance than to pay to have you in a hospital for weeks on end... and know that if you get help, you will most likely be able to return to your former position in a healthier state of mind... Check these things out and you may find that you have more coverage or pay time coming than you are aware of -- especially if it is for mental illness issues -- many companies are willing to go the extra mile to get their former employee back -- and I am sure your employer knows you are a value to them!!! :angel:

In that book, you will find many chapters on different topics -- for me -- it was repressed anger. I associated the word ANGER or ANGRY with being BAD. I truly had that confused in my mind because when the counselor asked me what I was ANGRY about -- I stiffened up and said "I am not angry -- why do you say that?" She gave me her thoughts and I just thought she was off by a mile.... well, it was sometime during my second week with them that the lightbulb came on for me -- Being angry about something (illness, IC, a spouse that isn't supportive, children who take up so much of your time, whatever it may be...) is NOT wrong -- it is the feeling that you associate with that situation -- HOWEVER -- there ARE wrong responses -- and I assumed that saying I was ANGRY meant that I was also reacting/responding in a BAD WAY...
The day I realized that I was truly ANGRY and not able to express it and resolve it was the day the lightbulb came on -- when I could say "I AM SO DARNED ANGRY about thus and so..." that was when I realized I was a dam holding back years of anger --- and when I was in a safe environment, with someone who could help me sort and devise a way to deal with the anger, my fuse was cut off -- I no longer was ashamed to be angry -- no longer gave myself an internal message that "I AM ANGRY, THEREFORE, I AM A BAD PERSON" and no longer came across to others as being angry -- something I had NO IDEA I was doing!!!

I was finally able to read things on anger without 'pretending' it was really for someone else -- once you open your mind to the real issue(s) inside of yourself, you open the door to finding an answer, a path to take, a means to express what is inside in a way that is appropriate, but doesn't beat around the bush -- you will be amazed at the FREEDOM that comes with that sense of empowerment! I now felt that I wasn't WRONG to be angry about something -- I just had to deal with the issue face on and talk about it in a way that IS appropriate -- not yelling and screaming to get it off your chest, or blowing up at times because 'the dam breaks' but choosing a response based on knowing it is the best means to deal with the issue... YOU TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR OWN FEELINGS and accept them and respond appropriately --- THAT was the day I started to heal!!!

Then, when I go to that place, I remember in counsel with the group, a couple of people said to me -- "I want what you have right now --- you are different than you were when you got here and you seem to have it together" --- I remember saying inside -- I don't belong here anymore -- I am not well enough to help others yet, but I am not confused enough to need this group to help me figure it out -- I had crossed the line into 'ready to be on my own' and I KNEW IT in my heart. I talked to the head counselor in private and said -- I need to go home -- I am ready now. I thank you for what you have given me, but being here is no longer the right place for me -- I have a lot of learning and growing to do -- but I feel guilty that I have 'figured it out' and these others are jealous of where I am at (in a good way, not jealous, maybe envious of having a peace that they still needed) but I really wasn't ready to share it with them -- I had to live it and try it and fall a few times and get up a few times... THEN, I would be able to help others get through it.

Wendi, I so hope you will consider checking into getting some time off to deal with this -- it is a turning point -- and my concern is that if you do it with drugs, you will do it the way I did it 16 years ago -- not dealing with the real underlying issue, but rather, just medicating the problem.... NOT TO SUGGEST that you don't take medications -- one of the first things they did when I got there was start me on a new medication -- and it has been very helpful -- however, they didn't just give me medication and send me home -- they dealt with what was causing me to break down so easily -- if you are 'coming apart at the seams' there is an issue (or two or three, etc..) that need to be addressed. I hope and I pray that you will FIND THE TIME to treat yourself to good mental health -- YOU DESERVE IT and even if you miss a week or two of work in the process -- YOU ARE STILL WORTH IT and you STILL DESERVE IT... YOUR mental health is more important than anything else -- it is the best gift you can give to yourself and your family....

HUGS and PRAYERS Wendi -- I would happily talk with you by phone at any time -- just PM me if you want to talk and I will either call you or give you my number -- I can phone for free)

(((((((((((((((WENDI))))))))))))))))))

Mary

[mary124]

Wendi:

Sending you hugs and prayers. Please call your doctor to see if she can adjust or change your medication. Hoping you get better soon.

[ICLori]

Also sending hugs and prayers. Sometimes I have meltdowns - I'm not sure if our meltdowns are exactly the same, from person to person, but I'd be willing to bet that most people with IC have had "meltdowns" where they cried, or felt helpless or depressed, or felt anxious and afraid.

I have a meltdown once or twice a month, at least. And sometimes once a week. Just depends. I have a good cry and feel better and then try to pick up and carry on. When I have my meltdowns and cry, I feel afraid and worried about how I am going to live another 40 or 50 years with this disease. I try to remind myself, I don't have to live another 40 or 50 years all at once - all I have to do is live today. All I have to do is get through this moment. When tomorrow comes, I can deal with it then. But for right now, living through this one moment and surviving it is enough.

Blessings,
Lori

[tabasco32]

hello cindy my name is lisa. And I will say a prayer for you to get better. I think donna is right. that medicine may be causing you more depression.
I am in the same boat as you right now. I went to my GP crying and crying because no one knows whats wrong with me. My bladder hurts and I can't go number 2 and my periods come twice a month. This all started 5 and half months ago. I am scared and depressed but I need to move on. I have lots of tests that the doctors want to do to me. I have hydr/cysto/bio, catscan, and laproscopy. I never had these before and so close together. Sometimes I feel lost and like I am going crazy. I need to be strong though, we all do. what other choice do we have.? it's only human to break down and cry. It's scarey and you are only human to.

[Freckles]

Wendi,
I'm so sorry you are feeling so vulnerable and unsteady right now. There is nothing wrong with a little meltdown now and then. I have them quite often. I separated from my husband 6 years ago and raised two teenagers while in the middle of horrific IC pain. The first job I had I loved but could no longer do it and I made up a story and quit. I didn't know what I was going to do with no income but I was so ill, I didn't care. I knew I couldn't go on. A month later I realized that of course I had to go back to work and started working for a friend. Well after he discovered I was ill he made my life miserable at work and the company eventually forced me out. I was made to sign something promising not to sue them to get unemployment benefits. I thought my life was over. It's not. I'm still out of work 6 months later, but I needed this. My IC is not any better but at least I can pee when I need to and I don't have someone taking notes on how often I go to the bathroom. I'm in the middle of a divorce and will have no health insurance soon. I really have no clue what I'm going to do. I did what you did. I had a meltdown just thinking about all of it. I then gave it all to God. I could no longer think about it or deal with it. Is my IC better.... NO.... but in my heart I know that whatever happens I'll be okay. I'm trusting that God is going to lead me out of this situation and I'll find some light at the end of this tunnel. I'm on a load of medication including the usual stuff, the duragesic patch and ultram for pain. I feel like a drug addict and will probably end up on disability which is the hardest part for me. When I was married my husband wouldn't let me work and then when we separated I felt like I had my life back and couldn't wait to get back to work. Little did I know that my IC would get so much worse with sitting all day and the stress of the job I have.

Please hang in there, but if you are not feeling better soon talk to your doctor. Your medications can be adjusted to give you more help and ease your anxieties. I will keep you in my prayers as I do all the people with this horrible disease. The only thing that has made this disease easier on me has been my relationship with God. I've been away from him for years, but new that really he is the only source or strength that I have right now. I don't have any left. He is slowly but surely giving me my joy back.

This is temporary, you will feel better soon. You need to take some time off and take care of yourself. I think that is so hard for women to do and sometimes we just have to do whatever it takes for us. We are always taking care of everyone else and we feel weak and unworthy when we are sick and vulnerable. Take some time off of work and relax and give yourself some much needed rest. You'll be in my prayers, let us know how you are doing.
Karen

[dg2901]

Feel better soon, dear.

Diana

[L. Thomas]

How about menopause? Now that can cause caos! I understand that perimenopause can begin very early with some people.
________
Abigaillx (http://www.girlcamfriend.com/cam/Abigaillx/)

[sandramac]

Wendi
Just seen your post ! It hit home here hard. My husband had a mental breakdown, Just could not stop sobbing for no reason.He was dio with severe depression due to work related stress, etc.Hes been home almost 16 weeks and just started back to work part time last week. Hes been put on Effexor and is doing well. But i think he now needs a higher dose as he suffered a bad setback today.He woke up got dressed and kisses me goodbye.I left 5 min after him to get the bus,He call me on my cell ,Having a bad panic attact on his way home! He was feeling better but has now decided he needs to work on issues for himself! Im so proud of you both because in my eyes that the biggest step!You will find your answers and strength.Keep up the good work.By going to the therpist and dealing with your issues in a controlled ,safe enivorment .It will get better you are on your way! if you need any support or a shoulder. You know where to find me! Hugs Sandra:cat: :cat: :cat:

[curlycue]

Wendi,
I went through the same thing 2003 and I was ashamed that I could not get it undercontrol that I keep on pushing all my feeling in, I tried explaining to my mom that I thought I might need some help like therapy or physo, but she said to me I thougth your bladder hurt? not that you are crazy? I finally went to someone and I got the help I needed. I have been ok I have good days and bad days but I just keep on going. Good Luck

[armslee]

Bless each and everyone of you for your kind thoughts, prayers and words of wisdom that you have shared with me here.

I am feeling better today and I am taking each day at a time. I firmly believe that this breakdown has been a long time coming and isn't through yet. For so long I have been holding everything in and painting this happy face on myself each morning. I look the part of the average coworker, mother, wife, team soccer mom. I am proud of these things but inside I have been falling deeper and deeper into a black hole.

Yes, I have always been a vain person. I like to look my best each and everyday. And so far that has been obtainable as our disease is on the inside. But now, it is reaching the outside and visible signs of my sickness are beginning to surface and be noticed. My hair is falling out so that I am beginning to get bald spots. There are dark circles under my eyes. My beauty is beginning to fade and I think that was the glue that was holding me together.
So now, I am picking myself up again and learning how to work around that too. Hair pieces, extra makeup and lots of coffee to keep me going!

I will make it through this. Thank you again for listening to me, praying for me and being there as my friends.

I love you all!

[Freckles]

Hi Wendi,
I know what you mean about being vain with this disease. I think we all have some form of vanity, we are all human. That has been one of the hardest issues for me as well. I used to love getting up in the morning and getting dressed up and walking into work and have heads turn. Well, now I'm not working so I shlup around all day in jammies or sweats because of my swollen belly. I try to put on a little makeup each day to make myself feel better, but some days I just stay in bed. That's what I did yesterday. I'm not losing my hair but I have horrible dark bags under my eyes. I think this is from the narcotics, but not sure. I certainly don't see the vibrant woman I used to be in the mirror anymore. When I'm feeling extremely down on myself I try to remember that it could always be worse. I still have my house and food on the table even after being out of work for so long. I worry about losing my house in the divorce but I know that with all the people that love me, I won't be on the street. My biggest struggle these days is realizing all the lost years I have. All the years I wasted being married to the sicko I was married too, and how naive I was. Now I'm sick and look sick and wonder who will ever fall in love with me now. It really gets me down sometimes, but then I do tell myself that regardless of my reflection in the mirror, I am able to see it. Regardless of all my problems I still have legs and arms that work and allow me to work in my garden sometimes and crochet. I still have things that many, many other people don't have. In that regard I am still very blessed. I try my hardest to look at the good and not the bad. I know it's difficult sometimes. You sound like a wonderful person.....please know that it's okay to feel so vulnerable at times. If we didn't we wouldn't be human. I'm sure if you're not feeling better soon your doctor can get you on the right medications. Until then, pray and try not to look at yourself the way people do but look at yourself the way God does. You're always beautiful to him. Always!

[glassd18]

Hi Wendi, I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. I was given Klonopin short term for anxiety, but I did not do well on it. My uro gave me Ativan instead, but I only take it at night time, and it helped relax my bladder so that I could sleep all night long almost. I think my muscles are pretty tense down there, and stress makes my IC 10 x's worse so I know that I need to try to calm myself however I can. There are other antidepressants out there for anxiety that may help IC as well so please don't give up hope just because this med didn't work. I have tried many meds and some do alright and some don't. Get back to your MD and ask for something else. I am praying for you and everyone here everyday. Hugs, hugs, and hugs.

Di

[ShePurzz]

Hi Wendi,
Been wondering how you are doing and if you are still using the Klonopin? I hope it is working well and you are not getting that goofy head feeling anymore.

I also just wanted to say something to you on the beauty issue --- I know it is important and I think a good thing sometimes -- that we want to look our best -- that probably gets some of us up and into the shower rather than laying around all day. So, taking care of yourself and looking YOUR best is a good idea.
However, don't ever lose sight of your inner beauty -- you have a beautiful heart and a caring spirit and these inward things will carry you a lot further than a pretty face in the real long run of life. (A car accident, a fire, a facial skin problem -- these can cause a terrible external appearance that would crush us if that is the beauty we relied on -- however, you have something much more valuable -- your personality - your heart - your daughter who is a reflection of your love. Hang onto these things and know that your real beauty is internal.)

On the outside, that's what they make makeup and hair coloring for :lmao: so that when we feel icky on the inside, we can fool ourselves when we look in the mirror. I say, if you can buy the stuff to keep your skin fresh, your hair as young as you like it or your body soft and touchable -- go for it! Enjoy it as long as you can -- and when the skin hangs low, add a little glow! When the thighs flow around, use a girdle, keep 'em bound! When your bat wings fling, longer shirt sleeves are the thing! When your face starts to droop, well, learn to love it!!! And remember, those wrinkles truly do give you character! Just check out some older people sometime in a mall or something -- when you see the older women you have grown old(er) and grey and don't get their faces lifted, spend some time talking with them -- they have a confidence that his worth all the rest wrapped up!!!

You are beautiful!!!
Smile and remember that!
Hope you are feeling better -- how is the SSI stuff coming along?

Mary

[graceimnot2096]

Wendi,
This might sound strange, but when I have a meltdown it usually a good thing because I open up a relief valve. I guess I would be more concerned if the meltdown didn't come from time to time.
I'll keep you in my prayers. Hugs all around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Connie

[ads]

Wendi,
I think crying and releasing emotions can be healthy. IC can bring a lot of tears into a persons life and if we keep them inside it can be bad for us. I have had crying episodes and thought I would never be able to stop, but the tears did eventually stop and life went on with me feeling better for having cried. Personally, I think in many cases a good dramatic cry is how we as human beings are designed to work in some circumstances and we shouldn't be ashamed or think it is unhealthy.

I can empathize with your hair loss and bags under your eyes. Stess make it happen to me and health issues. Sorry about it, but you go girl put on that make up!

It is nice to see so many people reaching out to you and sharing their experiences. How kind! Only you know your circumstance and exactly what you need.

Sending you best wishes, hope and an answer for this go around with IC,
ads

[Claredale]

Tracey, I really am known by my friends to not cry much. I sometimes think it is because of my meds, but when I do start crying is like a river. I go into those deep sobs. You have so many people here that know just what you are going through. I am glad that you are going for therapy. The main time that I cry lately is when I am at the doctor and just frustrated when he says things like "what do you think started this flare?" and dumb stuff like that!

Hope to a good night for you!!!
Tracey

[MakinIT]

Wendi
I have these breakdowns frequently as I am always troubled by my sudden lack of independence and not doing what I want to do. I entered my thirties pregnant with my youngest child and had my career years and family years ahead of me. things were fine. I left my 30's a total wreck. ShePurz has been kind enough to offer me thoughts as well and I have looked at some books. I ran into my therapist a couple of weeks when things were bad and he knew from my face ( he caught me by surprise) that things weren't well so he talked me into seeing him. I wound up blubbering and talking about issues he was concerned enough about,he wanted me coming back this week, even though I have no mental health dollars.So, yeah...I'd say at least bimonthly. I can't even blame anything on time of month, because I've been totally de-estrogened. (I claim this word in the name of ....I dunno...all of us having survived stupid surgeried maybe we coulda done without.) I do like not having a period and I'll have to admit a little end zone victory dance when my eldest is on her time of the month (and she scowls then moans in mortal agony) but I'd take my NORMAL periods back at any time. (towards the end, I would up changing my clothes 4 times a day...was awful)

[ihurttoo]

Dear Wendi!

Hello! I am so sorry that I missed this thread for so long! I dont know how in the world I have missed this for all this time, but please believe me that I certainly would have responded to this if I had only viewed it before now!

First off, I have got to tell you that you have got a SERIOUSLY distorted view of yourself if you think you could not possibly still be attractive. My dear, I have seen your photos and you are not merely attractive! You are intimidatingly BEAUTIFUL!! In fact, if we were friends who lived in the same town, you are SOOOO pretty that if we were also single, I would NEVER want to go anywhere with you b/c I would know for a fact that every man there would be looking at YOU all night! I am willing to bet that you had very few friends who were willing to be seen in public with you in your single days for this very reason! And I am not a normally shallow person, I have many attractive friends that I dont mind going places with at all, but you would NOT be one of them, if we were single!! Even if you were totally bald, I STILL wouldnt want to be seen in public with you, and not because you'd be bald, but because I am just vain enough that I would know that every man would STILL be looking at you thinking you were the most beautiful woman in the place! And I would also know that every woman would be looking at your head thinking, "I wonder if I would be as beautiful as she is if I didnt have any hair!"

You are the kind of beautiful that would make WOMEN turn around and do a double take out of sheer envy! So, dont think for a moment that you arent STILL a head turner! Because there is nothing you could do to get rid of that gorgeous face!

But, if you feel insecure in some way because of the hair loss, then do invest in a nice wig. They make some really beautiful ones now. As a matter of fact, when my cousin lost her hair due to chemo, I went wig shopping with her. We had a ball trying them all on and the one she ended up getting was so pretty that I wanted to buy one myself, but I knew my husband would hit the roof if I paid $300 for a wig when I have hair! But, it was gorgeous!! It was made of real hair, and it was kind of a dark blonde color. It had variations in the color, not all one flat color, like the wigs of the seventies that you might remember people wearing. It was long and went all the way to the middle of her back in cascading waves. We got it at a wig shop in Nashville. They had thousands and catalogs to order more! They also custom styled anything, if you wanted something that looked like your normal hairstyle. They could make it an exact replica! I wanted one BADDDD!!! Not just for bad hair days either, (which I have alot of, since I frequently just feel to bad to mess with fixing my own!), but I wanted one just because they were that pretty! I mean, think about all the famous people that wear extensions and stuff now! Look at Paris Hilton! One day her hair is short, the next day, all the way down to her bottom! And it looks real! There are too many of the famous ones to mention!

Since you live close enough to Nashville to drive it, you ought to come up if you dont find something you like in your town! We could make a weekend out of it! Bring the kids and stay with us! We will have a blast. I will go wig shopping with you! Who knows, I might just break down and buy the one I wanted this time! We have room for all of you, or if you just want to make it a girls retreat, we can do that too! I know we'd have a ball!

Regarding the dark circles, I get them sometimes too. The thing that works best for mine is actually this coverup that people use for birthmarks, tattoos, etc. It covers really well, doesnt wear off, and is suprisingly light. Most comestics counters at the mall sell a version. Check it out next time you are at the mall!

I hope that you are feeling better now that you are trying different meds. I hope that if they havent kicked in yet, that they will soon. But, please, please, please!!! If you are worried about your looks, then stop! Because I promise you that I think you are one of the most beautiful women I have EVER seen! As a matter of fact, if you come up here, I plan on running my husband off while you are here, because I dont want him looking at you thinking, "Gosh! I wish my wife were that beautiful!!" Because I will already be wishing it myself!

Sending big hugs your way! (((((Wendi)))))

Love,
Amy

[MakinIT]

Wendi: I hope you are feeling better. Not to be corny but is it possible to do an email group hug. today, I Hurt worse than I have in at least 3 months, and am trying some yoga and gentle stretches but I'm afraid I'm going to have to take break throughs and that makes me sad b/c it will make me stupid. (no comments from the peanut gallery) I think our Mattress is no longer firm enough so the adhesions are flaring and makeing things worse on my bladder. I basically just said to my husband, with tears in my eyes..."Help". Our Dishwasher is broken and no one will wash their own dish, as I have asked, over and over (then they accuse me of being a nag...) (yes, it will be fixed but not for a few days...GRRRR) I'm just Frustrated and having an emotional day too.

[justJen]

Don't give up when the going gets tough...just keep swimming just keep swimming ;) (((((((((Hugs))))))))))