Intimacy question

[armslee]

Lori's orgasm thread made me think about the last time I did have sex with my husband. I used to really enjoy oral sex but ever since my IC went completely haywire last February, I cannot stand for him to do this to me anymore.

He has alot of difficulty understanding this as he wants to make me feel good and remembers how much pleasure I used to derive from it. I have tried to explain to him that when he touches me with his hands and whatnot, it mentally makes me think of a catheter going in my urethra. This is really uncomfortable and UNSTIMULATING for me.

Is that totally weird or what? I had tried to banish this thought from my head but haven't been able to.

Does anyone else experience any sexual frustrations like this? I know that many of us have issues obtaining orgasm including myself. But this one really throws me for a loop! :shake: Maybe it is because we have to be manipulated so much in our genitals by our clinicians that we have detached some of our pleasure from them. Wow, that is certainly something I could bring up to my shrink next week.

Any thoughts from anyone??

[armslee]

Ok, I have resigned to the fact that after 31 views of this thread and no replies, I am a freak of nature.....:dizzy:

[ShePurzz]

Hello Freak of Nature, Wendi!:hi:

I don't believe that you are alone in this -- however -- it isn't something I struggle with personally. I do think that it is very likely that the continual manipulation by a doctor could certainly cause you to be a bit less excitable when your husband and you are together, however, I do think that trying to get it out of your head isn't enough.

I think it is important that you DO bring it up at the doctor -- ask for advise in how to think it out of your head. I am not sure of your relationship with your husband, but do you think talking to him about this is something that would help 'clear it from your head' or do you suspect it would make matters worse? Perhaps if you can talk to him and let him know that it is hard for you to 'forget' all the manipulation that you get non-sexually, so that you have a harder time 'getting ready' to be sexually active with him.

Some thoughts -- I am not into 'tools' but there are certainly things out there to help stimulate you -- is that up your alley?

I find talking with my husband helps me because I no longer feel like I am 'keeping it from him' when I have these kinds of thoughts in my head -- I find that he understands (and probably has some of his own hangups that he will/would share knowing that I am open to that type of discussion)

I am also thinking that even if you don't use tools or too much conversation, you could surely talk about spending more time during the day talking about and preparing yourself for the 'intimacy' that is coming that evening -- this is certainly arousing for both of you and knowing that 'tonight, after the kids are tucked in bed, we are going to spend intimate time together' can help to stimulate you to think on your husband, not on your doctors, touch.

Then, if you are able, communicate to your husband that you want to 'try' some of these new things, and that if, when you get to the place where you are ready to be intimate, you don't want to feel pressured to perform, and ask him to go slowly, and if you don't feel stimulated the first few times, relax -- that would be quite normal -- you ARE forcing yourself to try something new, it would make ANYONE feel like they were on a stage... however, if you have communicated this in advance (that you are afraid that you will feel like a performer, not a lover) try one of two things -- just hold each other and be intimate with kissing and caressing each other (who knows where that might lead, but perhaps it will be the entired intimate session), or 'fake it till you make it' -- with his knowledge that this is what you are doing -- let him know that you are not really 'feeling it' but that you want to proceed and just 'use your imagination -- allow yourself to fanticize a little here -- closing your eyes nad thinking back on the times you have spent together when you WERE able to enjoy it --- ask him to go slow, to be patient, to allow you to just 'lay there' and enjoy the moment -- to be PRESENT, if that works, or to be "in memory" for a while if that helps you to get stimulated.

You will be surprised, that when you 'get permission' and 'give yourself permission' to 'lay there and try to get in the mood' you may find that your orgasms will not only be more exciting, but more often than when you feel that you have to 'perform' and achieve something to make someone ELSE feel good. Orgasm is a natural thing -- God given -- and we shouldn't let ourselves get hung up on whether or not we have them -- however, if having them is something that doesn't feel 'right' or 'acceptable' for some reason -- perhaps it is becuase you are being rushed, or that you are giving yourself a message that you are 'not giving' but 'only receiving' when you are enjoying it -- REMEMBER -- YOUR OWN WORDS -- that your HUSBAND enjoys bringing you to that level of enjoyment -- discuss this with him if it is in any way keeping you from 'enjoying the moment' for as long as it takes to feel that way!!!

Best to you,
Mary

[armslee]

Hi Mary-
THanks for the great reply!
You had some great advice here. I will really think about what you have said. This is something I want to bring up next week with my counselor and see if she can help me work through some of it.

[ShePurzz]

Wonderful Idea Wendy -- could be something very simple that she can suggest that will help you to separate and be back in the love-making with pleasure mode soon -- best to you!

Hugs,
Mary

[armslee]

Thanks Mary.
I am sure that my husband would thank you too :lmao:

[plaedes]

You might also try either privately or with your husband a little bit of a rediscovery project of what does and does not turn you on. I have had similar issues, but mostly fear of pain during sex. Once I realized my husband loved me enough to stop if it was hurting I was able to relax more. You might try masturbating or reading something erotic to see if it helps "get you in the mood". I find that as a woman pornographic images just don't do it for me, but reading a steaming sex scene from a favorite novel isn't so bad. It helps to take your mind off of what might be bad or wrong and lets your mind wander into what good there might be. I might also mention that you don't have to get "erotica" specific reading material either. I happend to be reading a book by Elizabeth Lowell called Die in Plain Sight (I like murder mystery types) and there is a great sex scene in that one that I have been known to reread from time to time to get things going when I wasn't feeling particularly romantic. I do suggest the reading though. It stimulates the visual, but in an imaginative way. If anyone else knows of some good reading material that isn't too graphic or gross let me know. Otherwise I think you've gotten some very good suggestions already. I took it very slow for a long time and I finally feel like even though my husband and I don't have sex as often as we used to it is SOOO much better. I have also discovered that oral sex made me uncomfortable before IC and was even painful in the begining of the IC days, but now I really enjoy it. Hopefully you can too someday!

[ShePurzz]

Wendi,
We talked about you over dinner tonight -- incognito of course! :elvis:

I asked my husband to consider what he would think if I told him that I was having a hard time separating my urologist manipulation with my sexual desire for my husband and that this was standing in the way of me enjoying sex with him... first, he looked at me sorta strange, then I say "hypothetically speaking!" :confused:

I asked him if his first thoughts included anything like the following:
I feel threatened by the URO; I feel hurt that you don't want to have sex with me; etc... things that I thought could possibly surface for a guy when hearing that... he said "never crossed my mind, however, I was thinking that you need to talk to your counselor to figure out what to do to get these lines uncrossed" -- speaking to ME, not you of course.

I then wondered outloud if he would be feeling like he was in competition with the doctor, or perhaps with the IC and THIS raised the eyebrows.. :rolleyes: and he said -- YEAH, it would make me feel like I was competing with the disease but not the doctor --- it would be like the disease is what I would be up against -- what to do, how to still have a relationship with my spouse, etc...

So, that was eye opening to me -- then he mentioned another thing - he felt that something of this nature had to have taken place over a long period of time -- which may be true with you, as you mentioned it has been a long time since you had been intimate... His thought was that you needed to deal with this as it was happening, not allowing it to go on for so long... Well, that is too late now, but perhaps it will help someone else reading that is feeling the same way! Also, I asked about the idea of having [me] bring a "toy" into the picture -- and he was quick to say that THAT would be more intimidating than anything I had mentioned so far -- because he was thinking I meant to have him use a 'toy' rather than for him to touch me -- I corrected him and said I was thinking in terms of using it together, to help to stimulate the woman if the foreplay was going to continue for a very long time -- since a long time without it will probably require a long time to get back into the 'right mindset' -- well, he didn't really like that idea -- he rejected a toy as being rougher on the body than a hand, a mouth, or other body parts -- so, I guess that tells me that we are on the same page there --- I don't care for toys either.

However, I did also ask about how he would feel if I just asked for permission to 'lay back and enjoy and not feel a need to reciprocate' during these 'practice getting the feeling back periods' and he thought that was completely fair and reasonable to request -- he didn't have any problem with that. He also didn't have any problem with the idea of just holding each other if after a while you decided to say 'I'm sorry, but I just don't feel that I can continue right now, but I do want to just lay here in each others' arms for a while' -- that way, you don't just say, "okay, I am done... we can try tomorrow -- but you offer him a warm hug, and he can hold you and encourage you to continue to experiment with what is okay for you NOW, with IC, and not to be afraid to be open OFTEN, rather than let things build up to a point where the intimacy is not a priority any longer.

I don't know if this will help you or not, but I really did want to hear a man's perspective on this, because I do think that it is really common for those with IC Pain to not want to be intimate in an intercourse and perhaps not even oral sex manner -- however, is there any reason that you don't enjoy giving him physical attention without getting anything in return except the satisfaction of really making him feel good -- there are many times that I am not in the mood for intercourse, but I still can enjoy intimacy with my spouse and bring him to an orgasm - although he generally enjoys giving one as much or moreso than receiving. I think you mentioned that your husband was the same with you -- really enjoyed bringing you to that place because it was satisfying for him --- so, my guess is that some of this will hold true for your husband ... I hope so ... and I hope that by having run it past another man, you will feel a little more confident that you aren't going to get rejected for talking to him -- I truly hope and believe that he is going to be so happy to be discussing the possibility of having sex more often that he will be happy to go through the 'trial and error' part of finding out what brings pleasure without pain!!!

I am happy that you are asking the questions and seeking to get over the thinking issue -- the association of the URO stuff -- ugh, that would be awful to have going through your mind and FOR SURE -- it would NOT be something that would help get me in the mood --

I do remember when I first had my oldest daughter, when my husband wanted to touch my breasts -- I thought -- you dog -- get your hands offa that baby's food!!! I thought, you are weird -- you just want the milk or something... then I snapped out of it -- I even would squirt him across the room when I was very full -- and eventually, I did get over that feeling and was able to enjoy being caressed again -- however, not until after I was done breastfeeding did I really 'get baby/feeding/breasts' completely separated! :lmao:

Hope you are happily enjoying some time with your hubby soon!!!

Hugs,
Mary

[armslee]

Thanks Mary. You husband did offer some good suggestions and it really does help to have a man's point of view.

You cracked me up with the breastfeeding thing! :lmao: I remember those days although I NEVER got over the pain issue from it. Everytime my hubby looked at my breasts I thought I would kill him :biglaugh:

[poetgirl]

I don't have much to offer in the way of advice here, although I do know that sex and sexual pleasure is a function of the mind and not just the body. So, I think that being open and honest with your husband about how you are feeling, plus talking through it with your counselor, is a good way to help work through your issues and find some good interim solutions to try to help you become more comfortable again.

Hope things get better for you soon! :grouphug:

[ShePurzz]

Thanks Mary. You husband did offer some good suggestions and it really does help to have a man's point of view.

You cracked me up with the breastfeeding thing! :lmao: I remember those days although I NEVER got over the pain issue from it. Everytime my hubby looked at my breasts I thought I would kill him :biglaugh:

No kidding Wendi,
Once, while sitting in the living room breastfeeding with VERY full breast -- I went to change to the still gorging side and thought I would aim it at my husband -- it squirted clear across the room and hit him -- after that, I tried, but was never very successful at shooting milk via the breasts!

I do hope that my husband's point of view offers another side -- it did for me and I learned some things in talking to him that made me realize, as much as I know him, he still says things that I just ask "Really, You feel that way?" It's amazing to me! It never stops changing and growing and getting better everyday!

Oh, had to laugh... I have noticed that whenever we end up at a Bob Evan's there are always many older folks there, many of whom believe that it is the meeting place for 'bowel function' discussions -- at least "bodily functions!"

I had to laugh at us last night, talking about this in public -- I got to thinking, next, we are going to start talking about our last BM and if it was difficult or not, what we think of our gastro problems, etc... He is turning 55 next month and is already telling me that he is going to be a senior citizen -- yesterday, I went to pick him up at work and apparently when he went in today, a few people asked if that was his wife -- they didn't believe I was 49 (well, I guess if you wanna look younger, marry an older man, right!) so I teased him about being a cradle robber --- apparently, that is what he told them -- that he had robbed the cradle! :)

He said "I thought you would like to hear that..." of course I would -- who wouldn't!

Hope things are starting to turn around for you -- I am hoping just talking about it on here will be the beginning of you wanting to feel different and THAT will start the lovemaking going for you again!! I just know it.. looking forward to you coming in to say "Hey, guess what.. the big "O" last night... whoo hoo!"

Hugs,
Mary

[Dianne]

I have had similar things come up and what I came to was it's PTSD. I think sometimes after we've had all these procedures and so forth and esp. if it's been traumatic either physically or emotionally, we have PTSD symptoms. I was able to work through mine with women friends. I personally would work mine out with a friend or therapist as opposed to my husband but that's just me. It would really bother mine and it would kill the interest and affect his ability to perform too. As a sexual abuse survivor, I was taught to tell my husband in a general way that I was a survivor but not the details, because if I did that, every time we have sex then I bring all those images into bed with us, that by not sharing it with him, I was able to keep him separate from all the men that did that to me growing up and there were many. I am a very well adjusted survivor and this is what has worked for me. I had PTSD symptoms after getting a spinal that went too high. I couldn't breathe. I had an entire OR full of men only, not one woman and they had put something up to block the view. Being paralyzed then but awake brought back a lot of PTSD and I wasn't able to have a procedure for 9 yrs. because I couldn't quit reliving last time. When I worked through it, I was very verbal about what I would need next time to feel safe and I asked for it and got it. I hope something here will work for you. You're not a freak. We have been through some terrible things with this illness.

[krazymusik]

I do remember when I first had my oldest daughter, when my husband wanted to touch my breasts -- I thought -- you dog -- get your hands offa that baby's food!!! I thought, you are weird -- you just want the milk or something... then I snapped out of it -- I even would squirt him across the room when I was very full -- and eventually, I did get over that feeling and was able to enjoy being caressed again -- however, not until after I was done breastfeeding did I really 'get baby/feeding/breasts' completely separated! :lmao:




Ahahaha!!! Sorry, I don't mean to laugh at you I promise! I'm laughing WITH you! I thought I was the only crazy person who wanted to kick my husband away, yell at him and perhaps even build a small fence whenever he attempted to do something to my breasts while I was breastfeeding. And yes, it took awhile after stopping breastfeeding before I managed to disconnect the two.

I'm also pregnant right now (15 weeks) and I'm already starting to get those feelings. Poor guy. Everytime my breasts get fuller (this is our third child) they are put off limits. :shake:

[Trishann]

Wendi, you said, "Ok, I have resigned to the fact that after 31 views of this thread and no replies, I am a freak of nature." Please don't feel this way. Most people are just very uncomfortable talking about their imtimacy with their husband. You are just more open about this subject because you want some understanding and help. It has nothing to do with you being a freak of nature.

Hugs, Trishann

[beth49]

not you are not alone when it comes to uncomfortable sex & oral sex!!! I have been this way for a very long time & I can totally relate. As much as our partners love us & try to understand how we hurt, I don't think they can really know unless they were going through it!! unfortunately..: thanks for posting that though...it helps all of us who are at that point....beth

[Bronx]

Lori's orgasm thread made me think about the last time I did have sex with my husband. I used to really enjoy oral sex but ever since my IC went completely haywire last February, I cannot stand for him to do this to me anymore.

He has alot of difficulty understanding this as he wants to make me feel good and remembers how much pleasure I used to derive from it. I have tried to explain to him that when he touches me with his hands and whatnot, it mentally makes me think of a catheter going in my urethra. This is really uncomfortable and UNSTIMULATING for me.

Is that totally weird or what? I had tried to banish this thought from my head but haven't been able to.

Does anyone else experience any sexual frustrations like this? I know that many of us have issues obtaining orgasm including myself. But this one really throws me for a loop! :shake: Maybe it is because we have to be manipulated so much in our genitals by our clinicians that we have detached some of our pleasure from them. Wow, that is certainly something I could bring up to my shrink next week.

Any thoughts from anyone??
This post is th whole reason why I cam to this section because I miss oral sex. I don't want my husbands face to be orange because I have leakage issues. He say he understands but who knows!