I am heartbroken for my little boy; need advice from other Moms!!

[ihurttoo]

My little boy, Collin, who is 5, started kindergarten Aug 2nd. It has been a rough adjustment for us both, since he has always been home with me. But, he has really been learning alot, and has appeared to be adjusting pretty well, except mornings are still pretty horrific, as neither of us are "morning people".

However, I am worried about him right now, b/c he is heartbroken because since school began, he has talked of one child almost non stop. He and his "buddy" have been inseparable during assemby, b-fast, lunch, recess, etc. Collin has been telling me how has a "very bestest friend". Every afternoon, has consisted of non-stop chatter about his new best friend.

Well, last Friday, when I picked Collin up after school, he was uncharacteristically quiet. When I asked what happened, all at once, he began to cry. He tearfully told me how his very "bestest" friend told him that he was not only going to be his "very bestest friend anymore, but wasnt going to be his friend at all! He played with other children the entire time, and ignored Collin.

Let me tell you, ladies, this just tore me up! I cant take this stuff! I can endure most ANYTHING that I personally have to take on, but when it comes to my baby, I just cant bear it!

I figured that it was an ordinary tiff, and would be forgotten by Monday, but whatever happened, has obviously not been forgotten! It is now Wed, and it is still going on. To Collin's credit, he has been playing with other kids on the playground, but he still cries every day when he comes home, telling me how he doesnt know why his "very bestest friend" would do this to him!

I have grilled Collin over and over, to see if anything else happened, or if Collin may have said something to anger this little boy, whether accidently or on purpose. I have assured him that I would not punish him, no matter what he did (if he did indeed do something), as long as he tells me the truth, and I have told him over and over that I only want to know what happened so I can help him try to fix it. (At his age, I have a policy that he will never be punished for something, as long as he tells me the truth, but if he lies, the consequences are going to be bad!) But, he says he doesnt know why this boy is mad at him. (He does say the boy acts mad, but says he doesnt know why.)

I told Collin to try to talk to him and ask him what he is upset about, and to apologize sincerely if he said or did something that made this boy angry or hurt his feelings or somthing. But, Collin says the kid wont talk to him at all except to say, "I only talk to people I like, and I dont like you anymore."

Okay, veteran Moms, what do I do? How can I help him? It is killing me to see him hurting so badly! I even went to the assembly this morning, and sat with Collin, (which I do from time to time), and the little boy used to come over and hug me as soon as he saw me, (entirely unprompted), and want to sit by me in the assembly too, (this was almost daily for the first 2 weeks, as well as the same thing at lunch every day for the first week, and twice a week thereafter! But, this morning, when I saw him, I said Hi to him, and he started to brush past me, even though I KNOW that he heard me! So I said again, this time much louder, "I said HI, Nolan!" Again, he just stared at me and went past me without speaking. So, as he passed I said REALLY loudly this time, "I take it you are not speaking to me this morning?" All I got was "NO!" And then he went on up to the top of the bleachers. The assembly started after that, so I never got a chance to talk to him after that.

Collin is tramatized over this, and of course it is killing me b/c it is killing him! Collin asked me tonite all teary-eyed, "Will he ever friend again?I cant believe that a kindergartner could be so mean and heartless!!! I need some advice from all you seasoned Moms on how to help Collin get thru this! It is terrible to feel so helpless while he is hurting!

Bless anyone who made it to the end of this! Sorry this was so long, I guess I just needed to vent too, and get it all out. Thanks in advance to anyone who can offer any suggestions. Hugs, Amy

[Mel53H]

Since your son is in Kindergarten, I would call and talk with Nolan's mom and try to figure out why Nolan is not wanting to play with Collin. You also might want to talk with the teacher about it. She or He might know what is going on.

Your son does sound like he is tramatized. Poor thing. I know that feeling when your kids are hurt or sick that you would move heaven and earth to help them.

But you never know, your son might find a new best friend to play with.:)

By the way, I have 3 kids. Two boys and one girl. All grown.

[Kara29]

Amy and Collin,

I am not a mom, however, I do know you and a fair amount about Collin. My heart and prayers are with you two! I wish I had the answer. I am sure the other Mom's on the board will have some wonderful advice for you!

Love and Hugs to You and Collin!

Kara:angel:

[ihurttoo]

Dear Kara and Mel, Thank you both for your caring and compassionate responses! I am just sick over this! I have thought about calling Nolin's Mom, but didnt know if other Moms did this sort of thing. I mean I have always known his playmates parents very well, and could pick up the phone to discuss anything at all with them. But, I havent met Nolan's Mom, and didnt know if she would think I was a kook for being worried about this and calling her or not!

The other thought I had was to host a a hayride and potluck for his whole classroom here on our farm, and have it to be sort of a mixer for the children and parents in his class to get to know each other. I thought that I might be able to accomplish several things by doing this, 1) I would be able to call all the parents to introduce myself as hostess and invite them personally, which would give me an intro to talking to Nolan's Mom before discussing things with her about the kids. 2) It would be a good opportunity for Collin to get to know more of his classmates outside of a school setting, where maybe he could get a little closer to some ot the other boys and possibly mend things with Nolan, if they had not already done so. (Obviously, I would throw this together fairly quickly and try to have it a week from this Sat to benefit Collin and the other children the most.

Lastly, I thought I could set up a conference with his teacher to discuss his social development, to make sure he is not having any difficulties in socializing with the other children in general, and to alert her to the problem between Collin and Nolin. (I am sort of afraid to take this last step, b/c I dont want to seem like I am just being overprotective or something. I am also afraid she would underestimate the impact this is having on him, after all, I am sure she sees kindergartners argue, or fight daily, and might dismiss this one, as I initially did.)

I may do all of the above, or just certain parts. I just dont know. But, I do know that I would rather be personally viewed as an overly involved, hyperprotective kook by anyone, as long as things are okay for him again! Watching him hurt from something that kisses wont fix is just more than I can bear!

Thank you both again for all your help! Hugs, Amy

[ICNDonna]

This is just a thought, but it could very well be that Collin remains upset partly because you are upset. Children can be hurtful to each other --- it's not unusual. When my children were upset about how someone treated them, I tried to encourage them to just play with someone else and if the one being cruel decided to be nice then he/she should be treated nice in return.

Things like this are going to happen with small children. Collin will very likely have a new best friend soon. You may want to talk with the teachers to see if things are going well for Collin, but I suggest you keep it as low key as you can.

Sending gentle hugs,
Donna

[dg2901]

I think discussing your childs social skills with the teacher to make sure things are OK re: Collin is about as far as I would take this. Unfortunately these things are going to happen. Like mentioned, the more you make of this the more your son is going to react. Let your son work this out on his own; its part of the learning process.

Take care, dear
diana

[mare mare]

Hi Amy and Collen!!

First of all let me tell you I have two teenage boys. I am so glad you can be there for Collen at school. It will mean a lot to him when he gets older and you will have so many wonderful memories of this time in his life as they grow up too fast!!!!!!!!!!!! I miss my little boys!! So spend as much time volunteering in his class as you can!! His teacher will appreciate it! You may also be making a bond with other children in his class for most of them will likely be growing up with him & they will continue to follow him through high school!!

Now some advice for "Mom" for this normal part of "growing up".... Talk to his teacher and see if she has noticed anything going on between the 2 boys. I also had to have a talk with my boys when they started school about how, in their lifetime, they may have only a handful of true friends and that everybody is not going to like you and it's ok!! Also you can visit him while his class is at recess and see how many other children he plays with. I'm sure you're probably worrying just a little too much!:smile tee
But that's what a good mom does!!!
Let us know how it goes!!!

[vm]

I agree with some of the others. Mention it to his teacher so she can keep an eye out on him - I'd just mention it in terms of Collin coming home in tears every day - she'd want to know that. Other than that I'd let Collin work it out and give him some pointers on continuing to play with the other kids and knowing that maybe Nolan isn't such a great kid to try to be friends with right now. Help him focus on all the other great kids in his class and that HE can be a good friend to someone else, too.

It is SO hard to see kids go through this, but it really is part of learning about friendships and so on. It's best to pull back as much as you can b/c they will pick up on you being upset about it - that makes it harder for them to move on sometimes.

[dancemomof2]

Amy,

I agree with others that mention it to the teacher, let her know what is going on. Then from major experience with catty little girls for 14 years, if you drop it they forget about it, if you keep mentioning things to him like how was so & so today, Did so & so play with you, Did you apologize to so & so etc..... it will keep him thinking about it and he will stress about it because he has to relive it alot. If he is playing with other kids and functioning around this child he will be ok. To this day if a teenager says something to Bayleigh and i grip about it she stays angry with them, when I drop it she moves on and life goes on.

(((((((((HUGS)))))))) You have so many more years of this I promise you that. They will always be fussing with someone. I actually now that my girls are older just stop them in there tracks and ask if they are bleeding or literally dying from the spat and if they say No I say then DROP IT!!!!!!!!

[BeachBaby]

Well, having lived through this age and survived, I have to weigh in. I have to agree with Donna's wisdom.

Although my children are grown, I can truly remember these "young" days. I suggest you DON'T call the boy's Mom...some very wise advice was given to me once. Essentially, kids do tend to resolve these issues while parents linger over words that can't be retrieved and in the end it can hurt Collin more than help him.

The separation issues going on in your hearts right now can and will keep this alive, and as hard as I know it is, I would strongly suggest helping your son to enjoy his new friends as they come along, rather than to keep discussing the situation with Nolan. It is really hard when we feel our kids have been wronged, but when you step back and remember he has been slighted by a boy of the same age and "maturity", I think it will help.

Kids can be cruel (w/o intent mostly) and parents can also get very wrapped up in "play" behavior...usually these are normal comings and goings of friends, but we do tend to make monsters of equally small and vulnerable children.

I think the best you can do for your son is to move away from this topic and spend time discussing all the fun he is having at school. It will help him learn as he grows to resolve conflicts on his own, and I would think only a quiet mention to his teacher of his ongoing tears might be worth a mention.

My own kids went through this a number of times, and I would be remiss if I said they never did the blowing off...I just never heard that side. :):rolleyes:

Don't worry, much of this is both of you being apart, the more you let him develop within his kindergarten community, the sooner he will grow a bit of a thicker skin. Try to hear him w/o reacting...it will make it bigger than it is and he has a lifetime of changes to go through.

Hang in there Mom, he is gonna be fine. It's us parents that suffer long after the kids have forgotten...:)

[ShePurzz]

I have to say, I disagree here --- but I do agree with Donna. I think that this is so very typical of children and not something that you should continue to discuss too much other than to ask Collin --- Collin, what do you think happened? Why do you think it happened? And how can you try to move on with other friends? If you solve this for Collin -- you are interrupting a very important skill building exercise -- he needs to have your guidance, but not have you THERE to fix it FOR him. Help him talk and think through how he can feel sad, but he can't control HOW OTHERS behave -- he can only control his own behavior.

I suggest that you sit down today after school and talk with him ONE time -- seeing if he wants to talk to you about it at all. It is likely that if you and he hadn't been discussing it so much so far, he may have just moved on and 'bounced back' as resilient little people can do so well (Man, we should learn from THEM! :angel: ) I would bet you that if you just acknowledged that he feels bad, tell him he can talk to you if he wants to, and then reassure him that he is a good little guy and that he hasn't done anything wrong -- he will be just fine. This is the way they learn to adjust to other people and how they learn their social skills -- It is trial and error. Chances are in a week, they are going to be best buds again -- then off and on and off and on... most of us can relate to that in our childhood.

Lastly, regarding talking to his teacher -- I think it is okay to tell her that you were concerned because he was so upset by it, but if you just tell her that you want her to be aware in case he is struggling in school with it, she can kindof keep an eye out for any 'wrong' behavior. I don't think I would talk to the other boy's mom -- I agree with what you said about seeming like a 'kook' if she isn't a sensitive type of person. If she were, she would probably have already heard about it from her son -- as you have from yours. Like seems to breed like -- and you have bred a sensitive young man (:woohoo: the kind we all want our daughters to marry!). However, if the other boy is not sensitive, this is a good time to explain to Collin that all kids are not the same. I wouldn't imply that the other boy is anything buy NORMAL. He got to school, met LOTS of new kids and he is happy being bestest friends with ALL of them -- Collin on the other hand, is more comfortable having ONE bestest friend -- and when that kid changed his mind and didn't bother to explain it to Collin, Collin got hurt. Understandable? Absolutely!!! Reason to make an issue or situation out of it? Absolutely not IMHO! IMHO that is crippling Collin into thinking that he has control of other people's choices -- he doesn't -- he only controls how he wil RESPOND to others actions and choices -- This is a great opportunity to teach him that LIFE IS NOT FAIR nor was it meant to be -- IT IS NOT EASY nor will it ever be. It is full of different people with differnt opinions and behaviors and going to school is the PLACE WE LEARN and that's what I personally would allow him to do.

HUGS TO COLLIN and mom -- this is a hard, hard lesson, but getting involved now is NOT the time to get involved... When someone HITS your son -- call the teacher... When someone bullies him -- contact the school. When someone doesn't want to be his friend anymore, talk to COLLIN and teach him to work it out on his own.. BE HIS GUIDE and be his friend by teaching him how to grow up and become a caring person to others because he will KNOW what it feels like to be pooped on by another kid!

BEST TO YOU and feel free to delete me if you wish --- again, this is just my own humble opinion. I hope it helps though, truly I do!

:pray:

[ihurttoo]

Thank you all for your kind and supportive words! I do want to clarify a few things though. First, I havent been bringing it up with Collin, nor does he have any idea that I am upset. The discussions came about because he was crying, and I asked him why. When he wouldnt talk, THEN I had to question him, but I havent been bringing it up, unless he does. I do ask him who he talked to at lunch, played with at recess, what he learned, what he did that was fun, etc every day when I pick him up, but those things have always just been part of our normal conversation since he started school, not somethng that I just recently started asking. I only started really asking specific questions about what happened and grilling him, yesterday, when he was STILL crying and upset about this to try to help him figure out if he could have said or done something to make Nolin mad. (Just in case!)

I did decide not to calll the other Mom, for exactly the reason Mary stated. I think since Nolan is not real sensitive, she might not be either, in which case, she would think I am a kook!

So, I decided to talk to his teacher this morning, while he was at B-fast. (he didnt know I was still there, or talking to her.) I just told her that I was a bit concerned, b/c he has been upset since last Fri, and told her that I knew that kids needed to learn to work things out for themselves as part of their social adjustment, and that I know that Collin needs to learn that it is okay if everyone doesnt like him, but that I wanted to make sure he had not said or done something to the other child that I needed to correct him for, and also that I wanted to make sure he was socializiing well with the other kids. She said that he does play with other kids at recess, and she didnt know what happened either, but that Nolan might not be a friendship that I would want to encourage, as he was somewhat of a disciplinary problem in her room. (He was sent to the principal the 1st day, after being reprimanded 5 times!!)

I could see on the discipline chart on the wall, Nolin hasnt gone a single day without being in trouble! **gasp!** After seeing that, I felt better too, like God is protecting Collin from a bad influence.

But, his teacher did say she would sit the boys down today and talk to them to help them patch things up.

When I picked them up today, Collin was happy and told me that he and Nolin were friends again, but he said that they didnt get to eat lunch together or play together at recess, b/c the teacher had assigned "buddies for the day" to each child, and the buddies were suppossed to eat together, play together, etc for the day. She told the class that for the next month, until everyone had a chance to get to know each other and play together one and one, that they would be given buddies for the day, a differant kid a day. She told them that this would help everyone get to know each other. (I liked this idea alot!) She had them play with the buddys for 1/2 of recess, and the other half they could play with whoever. Collin said that everyone just stuck with their day buddies though for the whole time, because "we were already used to 'em by then!"

So, all is well again! **Whew!!!*** Thank you all for all your help and advice. I am new to all this stuff, and it helps to have others around to reign me in when I am feeling a bit overprotective! Hugs to all, Amy

[Mel53H]

I am glad things are working out for your little guy. I want to say that the only reason I told you to talk to Nolon's mom is because I thought you were familiar with her. I figured that since the boys were such buddies that you knew Nolon's mom too. I would not have told you to talk with the mother otherwise. Granted, kids usually works things out on their own, but it does not hurt to help guide them. Especially since he is in Kindergarten. In a few years he won't want you to help them with any of these type of things.

Give that little guy a big hug from me.:)

Mel

[ihurttoo]

I totally agree with you, Mel!! :) Thank you for being so understanding and compassionate. I can tell you love children too! I kind of thought that you might have thought I knew her, since I didnt specify that I hadnt met her. Thanks again for your kind response and help!! I agree with you, that while children need to learn to solve their own problems, guiding him wont hurt! You sound like a loving mother too! Hugs, Amy

[tigger_gal]

Amy,
I would talk to the teacher too, and see if she noticed anything going on, and drop it.. I hate to say this but kids these days really are just mean.. My best guess would be is nothing happened... Some other child struck this other boy more interesting, the sad truth is, children do this all the and it is the circle of life. Grade school is going to be a challenge for you more then it will be for him.. Junior high will be tougher, and by the time they hit high school you will have grown some tougher skin.. Children are the hardest thing we will ever do in life. They will learn over the years with these experiences, annd learn the value of friendship.. Hang on Amy, the next few years there will be a lot of ups and downs.. You both will learn alot form each other and about each other..
You and Collin will be just fine, as they say roll with the punches, as long as they don't shed broken bones or blood.. one day colllin will decide thet he just don't want to be someones friend, and they may not be a reason.
Hang in there..

[ShePurzz]

Amy,
I would talk to the teacher too, and see if she noticed anything going on, and drop it.. I hate to say this but kids these days really are just mean.. My best guess would be is nothing happened... Some other child struck this other boy more interesting, the sad truth is, children do this all the and it is the circle of life. Grade school is going to be a challenge for you more then it will be for him.. Junior high will be tougher, and by the time they hit high school you will have grown some tougher skin.. Children are the hardest thing we will ever do in life. They will learn over the years with these experiences, annd learn the value of friendship.. Hang on Amy, the next few years there will be a lot of ups and downs.. You both will learn alot form each other and about each other..
You and Collin will be just fine, as they say roll with the punches, as long as they don't shed broken bones or blood.. one day colllin will decide thet he just don't want to be someones friend, and they may not be a reason.
Hang in there..


Well said --- sounds like you've been there and don't that too!

I agree wholeheartedly that there 'just aint any reason for the way they do what they do' but it is all part of the circle of life. The best thing we can do as parents is to teach them to love the unlovely, be a friend to those who don't have any, and to be kind to EVERYONE regardless of their race, creed, color, physical abilities, etc... then.. we can stand back and trust that we taught them well and the choices they make are what will form the adults they will become.

Best to you and Collin!!! :smile tee I am sure you will do well as long as you don't watch too closely --- grins --- it can be a scarey time, but a great time too!

Hugs,
Mary

[Judith56]

Glad things worked out for you and Collin. I have two sons, both in their 20's. A little advice about boys, they do not like to talk issues to death. Boys deal with problems in a different way than girls do, they also tend to move on quickly after something has happened in a friendship and they do not tend to analyze situations as much as girls. As others have said, little kids friendships are a lot less complex than adults. Some kids say have a "bestest friend" just because they play a game together and when the game is over they may have a new "bestest friend". I think you did the right thing by getting the teacher involved and seems like she came up with a great solution. I used to teach preschool and as well as elementary and special ed classes. When your child is sad it can break your heart, I know it still makes me want to cry when I remember some of the stuff I had to go through with my sons. Judith