Someone, please lift my spirits :(

[armslee]

I get so angry at myself sometimes for allowing myself to open up to others so that they can verbally hurt me. :mad:

Background:
I have been through 3 sessions now with my psychologist and asked her multiple times yesterday, what did she think? What sort of action plans did she see for my treatment? I really felt that her answers were vague but maybe that is because I wasn't thinking clearly.
She said that I she knew that I really had alot of responsibilities in my life and that I seemed to be dealing with them because I had to, an autopilot if you will. Also that I was coping with that well. That was when I fell to pieces and told her that my whole image was just a front. I put on this mask everyday so that things look normal, great even, but inside I feel like I am dying. I asked her again how she would help me cope with things and she mentioned some relaxation tapes, etc.

Fast forward back to this morning:
I came into work and talked to my mgr for a few minutes. She was going on about some people she knew getting divorces and how her husband (my boss) was giving the husband's advice. I said that they should just get professional counseling like the rest of us.
Oooops.
This was about the time that my mgr decided to tell me to suck it up that everyone has been through problems, blah blah blah, counselors don't help they just listen to you and take your money. I about snapped. Instead I just told her that I was seeing one at the advice of my doctor and that I had HOPE that they would help me learn to cope with my lifelong medical conditions. She went on and on about how I should just deal with it so I walked out.
I really wished that I didn't need this job.

[ihurttoo]

Wendi,

I am sorry that she was so insensitive about this. I think everyone has a verbal slip from time to time that we wish we could take back. As far as her take on counseling goes, her husband is counseling people too, and she is obviously proud of that, since she shared it with you. So, the counseling thing is no big deal, even to her, she just thinks it is weird to have to pay someone for that. But, ya know what? Some people feel more secure talking to strangers who wont be gossiping to people who they are helping and why they are helping them. It is definately worth paying someone if for no other reason than that!!! Also, I dont know about you, but most of my friends dont have their own lives together, so how are they gonna help me with mine? I mean seriously, all of my friends (you guys), have the same problems I do (coping with a chronic disease, insensitvity of family members regarding IC, etc), so since all of us are in it together, sometimes it is nice to have an outsiders perspective. Besides, sometimes people who love you, love you TOO much, and tell you want you WANT to hear, instead of WHAT you need to hear. That is the benefit of going to a professional! Besides, since when have any of your friends coached you thru guided imagery relaxation, or sat down and talked to your husband for you and told him how he can be more supportive, etc? Those are things a therapist will do that friends cant/wont. So, tell her that you are glad that she has friends who she can talk to about things that bother her, but that not everyone is so fortunate, but if she doesnt think you need it and wants to pick up the slack, that you will be more than glad to come to her and sit down and complain about your health for an hour whenever you need to, and SHE can listen for free!!! :)

On a side note, I know your appt with the pain clinic is today. I hope that you have a great visit and that you get the help you have been needing for so long! Lots of love and hugs, Amy

[ShePurzz]

Good morning -- I am sorry I am rushing out the door because I would rather spend time responding and lifting your spirits with/for you!

I just want to remind you that regardless of what you show others on the outside, you still have to deal with the real you on the inside when you are alone -- by yourself -- really being the YOU who God created you to be.

He didn't and doesn't make mistakes -- you are a beautiful woman -- inside and out and don't let anyone take WHO YOU ARE -- away from WHO YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE. What you THINK others think about you is what you will react/respond to -- start listening during these relaxation sessions that I FULLY SUPPORT doing!!!

Listen to the internal voice that is giving you messages and start journaling them and seeing what you are saying to yourself ---- THEN ---- after doing that for a week or two -- get the red pen out and circle the FALSE things you are saying to your self and a green one to circle the TRUE things you are saying to yourself (if you find anything true) and then write again -- telling yourself

1) Why these false statements are false and why the true ones are true.

2) That you are going to cross off and cut up the FALSE statements and will NOT allow yourself to repeat them to yourself any longer,... PERIOD, END OF DISCUSSION, NOT ON A GOOD DAY, NOT ON A BAD DAY --- they are NEVER TRUE -- THEY ARE ALWAYS FALSE~!!!

3) You are going to start repeating the positive things to yourself about your self that you either noticed in your journaling or that you will consciously write out about yourself NOW and you will begin to post these around your house, in your car, near your phone, every possible way you can get these TRUE messages into yourself and into your head and HEART!!! That is where you want to begin this journey --

DELETE the false statements from your vocabulary, your thoughts, your words, etc.... ADD the true statements into your vocabulary, thoughts and words DAILY and PURPOSEFULLY giving yourself something positive to look forward to each day -- someone >>>>>YOU<<<<<< need to become your OWN BEST FRIEND and then the rest will begin to fall into place.

Suggestions: Get ahold of some Bellaruth Naparstek CDs or Tapes and choose ones that will help feed you relaxing and positive feedback --- these are easily found by doing a google search -- probably pretty cheap on eBay as well.

TAKE WALKS alone and see if you can force yourself to compliment yourself all the way home....... it's not as easy as it sounds!

TAKE the advise of someone I admire -- Dr. Phil and read SELF MATTERS and you will learn lots more about finding YOUR BEST SELF and treating your SELF like the valuable person you are.

All my thoughts and hugs to you,
Out the door to take my parent's to their doctor appointments....
Happy that God allowed me to see this post and to send best wishes to you for a wonderful and SELF LOVING day!!!

Be Blessed and be a blessing today!

Mary

[mare mare]

Wendi,
I'm always reminding myself to "just keep my mouth shut!"Where is the compassion in people??? I have worked at a family run business before and they can make you feel a little left out sometimes! Counseling does help! My son has come a long way with counseling! (for depression) The first Dr. didn't seem to click with him so we tried another. I don't know about you, but a good cry always makes me feel better! It seems like your sessions are just venting and you can do that and get some good advice right here!!! Relax tapes!?? (Like you didn't know about them!) You've tried coping on your own that's why you're in counseling! Maybe your next session will be a little more productive. Are you happy with your psychologist? If you don't feel like you're getting anywhere with this counseler, there is one out there for you I hope your day gets better!
Thoughts:smile tee and Prayers,:pray:
Marilyn :grouphug:

[armslee]

Mary-
Thank you for the suggestions. That was really interesting and I may take your thoughts into serious consideration!!!

Marilyn-
I like my therapist. Since we have only had 3 sessions it is really hard to judge anything yet. I am going to wait a while before making any thoughts of changing therapists. So far she has asked me questions revolving my work, family and medical conditions. I have so much frustration and anxiety with all of the above that maybe she is just trying to find the middle ground? I wished that sessions could be longer than an hour because I am not ready to end when the time is up :confused: but I understand that is the way it works.

[mayray518]

I know what you mean. Many people think if they cant see an illness then you are dramatizing it. I used to hear "Well so and so had cancer, what are you whining about?" I feel for those with cancer but being in chronic pain 24/7 is no picnic either. Some people understand better if you show them a description of IC but other just shrug. They think "its rare and I wont get it so I wont think about it." Well, never say never. Many people were compassionate but there were those who were insensitive jerks. I stood up to them, tho. The best thing to do is to come to this site and vent. We have all been thru IC and can understand what everyone is going through. Thank God for Jill and all of you.

[Kara29]

Wendi,

Most of us put of a front when we have to work with IC unless we have a Saint for a Boss! I did it too and then I broke an couldn't hold it in anymore and I had a therapist and a Psychiatrist. I still do. Work got so bad that I had to go out on ST Disability and then LTD and then we had to move from Boston back to NY. My Boss was the worst Boss that exists on the planet. I tried so hard to explain this disease to her on many occasions even when one of my co-workers had to take me to the ER. She thought I was making the entire thing up and I would hear her complain about having a hang nail (I am serious!) in her office. She'd complain about paper cuts and tiny little things while I was out in the reception area trying to hold my bladder in, from fallling out on the floor. There were days I had to crawl on the floor to get to my car. She that I was just being a drama queen. I could write a whole book just on her alone but the point I think you were trying to make is that even our therapists don't get IC. Sometimes I don't think my therapist gets it. She'll say "you look so good today." And then I say back to her. "Looks are very decieving." She still doesn't get it. Grrrrrrrrrrr.

Wendi, I rambling because I know how frustrating it is to live with IC and have no one understand and not want to understand. I could show they photos of my surgery and post surgery and they STILL Won't get it. I have even a few friends close to me that don't get it so I just stopped talking about it and you know what..........no one asks me how I am doing and when they do, I just say ok and they move the converstaion onward. It sucks that we can't be open and honest about this disease.

[icsonja]

I will try to lift your spirits if possible.....just take a moment and think of the day when you hear that a cure has been found for IC, see yourself in that picture..look around and take in how much lighter the world seems and how the colors are so vivid.....put that feeling in your heart and your head and keep it there and recall it whenever you are having a down moment....just imagine the joy that will be on this support groups posts!! All our friends no longer hurting or depressed but all will be high with joy........
someday this will happen...keep it strong in you and keep the faith no matter what.
Sonja

[Briza]

Mary,
Excellent advice and suggestions. I think that is something we all need to remember. The negative circular thoughts going thru our minds are best put on paper and disposed of. Easier said than done, but I know that it does help. :angel:

Wendi,
I have had 6 sessions with a new therapist this summer...the first session was 2 hours and I still didn't get to say everything I wanted to say! After these 6 sessions, he now has a better sense of where I'm coming from, why I'm there, has a good idea of who I am and what my life theme is. I kept asking him, "should I stop talking, do you have any input,etc.?" but he said no, just keep going so I can get to know you and we can make a plan of action for the future when the time comes.

We have to remember that while it may seem like we got IC in a day, it was probably in the works for a while before symptoms started, and it takes just as many or more days to learn how to cope with it.

So hang in there, it takes time, often more than 3 sessions. They are professionals, hopefully good ones, but they need to know you completely to be able to help you in all aspects of your life. I'm a working woman, too, so I can really understand how hard it is to run the three ring circus of IC, work, family, friends, relationships, etc.

Best wishes :grouphug:

[Sarojini]

You aren't alone with the bad bosses... the job I had before this one included a supervisor who was, I think, Satan himself. There are very few people on the planet that I truly hate, but that man is one of them and always will be.

He was always yelling at people, cussing at people, and generally terrorizing his lab. He went through five secretaries in three years. He would terrorize graduate students and postdocs when they were giving presentations and reduce them to dirt, just because he could. He called me stupid, incapable, every name in the book. When my husband and I got married, he yelled at me for taking a HONEYMOON and said I should have been back in the lab right after the ceremony.

When my IC got really bad in December 2003, I tried to hide a lot from him but he would scream about me taking time for my doctor's appointments and eventually my cysto/hydro. During that time, though, he got excited about a single graph representing one experiment I did -- even though it was only ONE experiment (first rule in science -- it must be REPEATED first) and the results were not statistically significant. Later, I did repeat the experiment to see if the trend was real, and of course, it was not.

At that point, he flipped out. He had apparently spent money filing for a patent based on the one insignificant graph (thinking with his greed and not his brain) and when the data was not repeatable, he got ticked even though his loss of money was his fault and his fault alone. However, at the time I was preparing to quit that job because it was wearing me down physically and emotionally; my IC was out of control. When I gave my two-weeks notice, he got even madder accused me of making up and falsifying data -- and then said I was using my IC as an excuse to try and get out of it!!!!!! He started calling all of his urologist friends to see if IC was a real disease, and then he started calling MY DOCTORS trying to get information on my medical records (which they cannot provide, and he should have known better since he was an M.D. himself)!!

Anyway, it took me a LOOOOONGG time to get over what happened there and I didn't mean to hijack your thread at all. :) I wanted to illustrate that half the time, telling bosses about personal problems backfires for all of us, and it really stinks when it happens. I guess we all just want to think that they are human and understanding, but they are not always!!

My current boss is much better... but even he blows hot and cold regarding my IC, so I haven't even mentioned the other four or five conditions I have to him. He doesn't know I see a psychiatrist or a pain clinic, and when he asks how I am I usually just say, "I'm doing pretty well, thank you" even if I feel like crap. Just like you, I have to put up a front at work, even when I'm dying inside (either because I'm physically ill or because I'm stressed/anxious and my life feels out of control).

You've gotten some great advice so I won't add anything else in that way, but I just wanted to share boss horror stories and tell ya that I'm also an expert in "putting on the happy face." ;)

[ShePurzz]

BEAUTIFULLY STATED!!! Thanks Sonja! :angel:

I will try to lift your spirits if possible.....just take a moment and think of the day when you hear that a cure has been found for IC, see yourself in that picture..look around and take in how much lighter the world seems and how the colors are so vivid.....put that feeling in your heart and your head and keep it there and recall it whenever you are having a down moment....just imagine the joy that will be on this support groups posts!! All our friends no longer hurting or depressed but all will be high with joy........
someday this will happen...keep it strong in you and keep the faith no matter what.
Sonja

[ShePurzz]

I have had 6 sessions with a new therapist this summer...the first session was 2 hours and I still didn't get to say everything I wanted to say! After these 6 sessions, he now has a better sense of where I'm coming from, why I'm there, has a good idea of who I am and what my life theme is. I kept asking him, "should I stop talking, do you have any input,etc.?" but he said no, just keep going so I can get to know you and we can make a plan of action for the future when the time comes.

This is excellent -- it points a little back toward something I keep trying to get through to the entire group of threads -- PEOPLE CANNOT TAKE IT IN, because they don't know what to do with it.... Here is a perfect example --- a professional saying "Keep talking" so I can learn what it is that I need to say to you.... I will bet you money, that if you could record yourself (yourselves) and play it back to yourself -- you would hear the answer in yourself. I truly believe that it is in there, but we don't know the plan because we haven't let ourselves really get it all out there.

If we are waiting for someone to come along and say "keep talking..." I think we are dreaming ... unless they are paid to do that -- which the counselors are -- not to take away one thing from the value of the counseling, but they are PAID to listen and to HELP YOU (US) So, that is what they do. The people in our lives DON'T HAVE A CLUE how to help us -- there is no cure or fix for this -- so they are helpless to do anything to give us a plan -- secondly, they aren't psychologists, or therapist, so they aren't trained to take it in and listen and sort and keep notes and eventually play it back you us in the order that we can understand -- that is what the counselor is doing -- basically feeding you back what you said (Wow, I have such a great counselor, he/she really listens to me ---- isn't that what you are really in need of .... a listening ear?) However, they not only KNOW HOW to do that, that is the vocation they have chosen and they are PAID to do it... that is why it works.... (Not discounting or forgetting that you may need to see several before you find the one that really cares to do what they are trained to do -- some are in it for the money and don't really care except when you write the check!) However, assuming you have gone to a counselor and found a good match for you --- they will need time to hear it, sort it and spit it back out to you in a way that formulates WHAT YOU NEED to help fill the void and hurt and refil your love tank!

I do so much apreciate this note because it is clearly showing exactly WHY we do need others who TRULY UNDERSTAND and CARE what we are going through -- who can best do that without a degree??? Others with IC who have a first hand knowledge and care...

Sorry to say this part, but I think it is probably what it must feel like to be the family member of someone with chronic pain and illness --- "I feel so helpless when I am with you...I know you are hurting, and I know you are frustrated, but I don't know what to do to help you out. Since I can't do anything to help you or fix your problem(s) I am not going to get too involved with you or your problem -- I will be your friend, BUT, please don't bring up your health because when you do, I feel helpless and even angry that you continue to get me to listen to you when it makes me feel lousy... I love you, but I don't want to deal with THIS part of your life....

Just my own thoughts, but if you read these posts -- all the threads.. what is the common denominator in all of them???

1) We all have family that doesn't really understand -- some of us are fortunate to have mates that are supportive, but even they can't do anything to fix it.

2) We all feel loneliness in our own homes because we feel that no one understands us and that they don't seem to care about us either...

3) We all get angry that our families don't even let us talk about this with them, or if we do, they kinda squirm out of the room or change the subject at the first possible moment. Doesn't it make more sense to look at the fact that this is such a common denominator that perhaps WE need to look at it differentl???


Just for a moment, let me rant on... Suppose that today, we all went to our family, loved ones, spouse, etc... and said "I have this lousy disease. There is no cure (yet) so I am going to have problems that I have to deal with. YOU cannot help me through this because you cannot cure it either. So, beginning right now, I want to remove any sense of responsibility you may have regarding what you need to do FOR ME. I want you to know that I am not asking you for anything right now -- I am just going to free you from the sense of helplessness by telling you that I feel helpless too -- there is nothing I can do to fix it either.

Therefore, from here on out, if I start talking about the IC -- you are free to tell me if it is something that bothers you when I talk about it -- if it does, I will not discuss it with you. If I bring it up, forgive me and remind me and I will stop. If you want to listen to me, thank you, but I will not love you less or want to be your friend, daughter, sister, mother, etc... any less than I do right now.

You are freed from the burden of carrying this problem with me -- If you choose to help me at some time in the future, you will be welcomed. But, even then, I know you can't fix anything -- I know you would just be an outlet for me to express my fear, my anger at IC, my frustration, etc...


Does anyone else not see how this would be if you/we were the OTHER person??? If I had someone with a chronic illness, I think (speaking honestly here now) that I would be sick of hearing about it... sorry, but that is what I think of me... I can share with someone who I have EMPATHY FOR -- someone in whose footprints I have walked, but I can only have SYMPATHY for those who I haven't walked in their shoes.... I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO TO HELP THEM... so, either they tell me what they need from me, or I am going to feel helpless --- and frankly, if they continue to tell me what it is that is bothering them, and if they continue to tell me their problems, I am going to eventually feel so helpless and stuck that I am going to shy away from that person -- not because I don't care, but because I just can't do anything to make it better and sorry, folks, but I don't think ANYONE wants to listen to someone complain, explain, talk, whatever.... about their problems for extended periods of time --- and that is exactly what we do when we are burdened with a chronic problem... UNLESS WE CHOOSE not to talk about it with the people in the 'stuck' position -- that is why I believe that we need to talk here and get the BULK of our support in here -- others are here for the same reason(s) we are -- for support -- then go home or when your family comes home -- put on a smile and think on the good things that you can focus on -- we don't have a disease that costs us a limb; we don't have a disease that disfigures our faces or our bodies; we don't have a chronic illness that keeps us from getting ourselves in and out of a wheel chair/bed/couch, etc... We can bathe ourselves and feed ourselves and YES, we do have problems.... but we need to learn to look at the things we DON'T HAVE --- like these I mentioned and then, dig down deep inside and when you can -- enjoy life fully -- and allow those around you to live fully in your presence. Will we always be able to do that? Of course not, we all have depressed and down days... but on the better days, smile as often as you can -- and talk less about YOU and more about THEM and see if you don't find that THEY start to ask more about what they can do to help you with this pain in the bladder.

I hope this lifts someone today... I don't mean it as a criticism, I truly do mean it as a challenge to reach out a little further tomorrow than you did today and to try to stand in the shoes of those that we ALL seem to have a problem with...

God Bless and may these words not be mistaken, but be a blessing and a bridge across for someone today!!!

Hugs,
Mary

[Trishann]

Hi Wendi,

Amy said something that really caught my attention. Some people feel more secure talking to strangers because you don't have to worry about gossip and being judge. That is so true. We can get so inferior what people say to us so it can be a scary thing.

Don't give up Wendi on this because there are people who are really good and that do care. And most of the time people who say something dumb or back away from you, it has nothing to do with you. They just don't know how to deal with it.

Wendi, I just hope you have better days. Praying that you have people come your way that will have compassion and understanding.

Hugs, Trishann

[creatingkarma]

I'm sorry that you're having so many problems with your job! It's my opinion that your boss is ridiculing counseling because she's never needed it herself. People just don't get it until they walk in someone else's shoes. Please don't give up on counseling just yet. 3 sessions? You're just getting started & your counselor is just getting to know you. I've been seeing a psychologist for years & it is a great help to me. I have taken the summer off though, & I am really feeling the stress & hopelessness creeping up on me since I haven't been lately. Counceling is not an instant fix. It takes time. Don't give up! I think she's right on track with the relaxation tapes. I just love them & they really do help!

[July]

Sometimes the best thing to lift a spirit is a hug...So, wrap your arms around yourself and consider it a big hug from me. Repeat as necessary.

[armslee]

Thanks!
I am not giving up on counseling. I have been several other times in my life for different things and had very beneficial results.

Mary has a good point about using this forum to meet, talk and share with others our physical and emotional ailments. This is such a great place to come to learn, lift each other up and feel so welcome and loved! :smile tee

I do believe that our families feel very helpless. My husband has asked me so many times why doctors cannot just fix my pelvic floor. He thinks because it is muscular, there has to be a way to just fix it! Wow.

My work situation is just bizarre. Working at a place where people are related can be difficult to say the least. My mgr really can at times abuse her power by saying and acting out in inappropriate ways. But there is no one I can report it to. I mean, she is married to the boss! So, I just vent, grin then bare it :evilsmile . I would really love to find a financially stable work from home type job.

Oh well, let's just climb one mountain at a time.

[mare mare]

Hi Wendi!!
Just thinking of you!!:smile tee
Thank God it's Friday!! :woohoo: :woohoo: I hope you don't have to work this weekend.
:wink: Do something that you enjoy!! You deserve it!!

Hugs!! Marilyn

[ihurttoo]

This is excellent -- it points a little back toward something I keep trying to get through to the entire group of threads -- PEOPLE CANNOT TAKE IT IN, because they don't know what to do with it.... Here is a perfect example --- a professional saying "Keep talking" so I can learn what it is that I need to say to you.... I will bet you money, that if you could record yourself (yourselves) and play it back to yourself -- you would hear the answer in yourself. I truly believe that it is in there, but we don't know the plan because we haven't let ourselves really get it all out there.

If we are waiting for someone to come along and say "keep talking..." I think we are dreaming ... unless they are paid to do that -- which the counselors are -- not to take away one thing from the value of the counseling, but they are PAID to listen and to HELP YOU (US) So, that is what they do. The people in our lives DON'T HAVE A CLUE how to help us -- there is no cure or fix for this -- so they are helpless to do anything to give us a plan -- secondly, they aren't psychologists, or therapist, so they aren't trained to take it in and listen and sort and keep notes and eventually play it back you us in the order that we can understand -- that is what the counselor is doing -- basically feeding you back what you said (Wow, I have such a great counselor, he/she really listens to me ---- isn't that what you are really in need of .... a listening ear?) However, they not only KNOW HOW to do that, that is the vocation they have chosen and they are PAID to do it... that is why it works.... (Not discounting or forgetting that you may need to see several before you find the one that really cares to do what they are trained to do -- some are in it for the money and don't really care except when you write the check!) However, assuming you have gone to a counselor and found a good match for you --- they will need time to hear it, sort it and spit it back out to you in a way that formulates WHAT YOU NEED to help fill the void and hurt and refil your love tank!

I do so much apreciate this note because it is clearly showing exactly WHY we do need others who TRULY UNDERSTAND and CARE what we are going through -- who can best do that without a degree??? Others with IC who have a first hand knowledge and care...

Sorry to say this part, but I think it is probably what it must feel like to be the family member of someone with chronic pain and illness --- "I feel so helpless when I am with you...I know you are hurting, and I know you are frustrated, but I don't know what to do to help you out. Since I can't do anything to help you or fix your problem(s) I am not going to get too involved with you or your problem -- I will be your friend, BUT, please don't bring up your health because when you do, I feel helpless and even angry that you continue to get me to listen to you when it makes me feel lousy... I love you, but I don't want to deal with THIS part of your life....

Just my own thoughts, but if you read these posts -- all the threads.. what is the common denominator in all of them???

1) We all have family that doesn't really understand -- some of us are fortunate to have mates that are supportive, but even they can't do anything to fix it.

2) We all feel loneliness in our own homes because we feel that no one understands us and that they don't seem to care about us either...

3) We all get angry that our families don't even let us talk about this with them, or if we do, they kinda squirm out of the room or change the subject at the first possible moment. Doesn't it make more sense to look at the fact that this is such a common denominator that perhaps WE need to look at it differentl???


Just for a moment, let me rant on... Suppose that today, we all went to our family, loved ones, spouse, etc... and said "I have this lousy disease. There is no cure (yet) so I am going to have problems that I have to deal with. YOU cannot help me through this because you cannot cure it either. So, beginning right now, I want to remove any sense of responsibility you may have regarding what you need to do FOR ME. I want you to know that I am not asking you for anything right now -- I am just going to free you from the sense of helplessness by telling you that I feel helpless too -- there is nothing I can do to fix it either.

Therefore, from here on out, if I start talking about the IC -- you are free to tell me if it is something that bothers you when I talk about it -- if it does, I will not discuss it with you. If I bring it up, forgive me and remind me and I will stop. If you want to listen to me, thank you, but I will not love you less or want to be your friend, daughter, sister, mother, etc... any less than I do right now.

You are freed from the burden of carrying this problem with me -- If you choose to help me at some time in the future, you will be welcomed. But, even then, I know you can't fix anything -- I know you would just be an outlet for me to express my fear, my anger at IC, my frustration, etc...


Does anyone else not see how this would be if you/we were the OTHER person??? If I had someone with a chronic illness, I think (speaking honestly here now) that I would be sick of hearing about it... sorry, but that is what I think of me... I can share with someone who I have EMPATHY FOR -- someone in whose footprints I have walked, but I can only have SYMPATHY for those who I haven't walked in their shoes.... I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO TO HELP THEM... so, either they tell me what they need from me, or I am going to feel helpless --- and frankly, if they continue to tell me what it is that is bothering them, and if they continue to tell me their problems, I am going to eventually feel so helpless and stuck that I am going to shy away from that person -- not because I don't care, but because I just can't do anything to make it better and sorry, folks, but I don't think ANYONE wants to listen to someone complain, explain, talk, whatever.... about their problems for extended periods of time --- and that is exactly what we do when we are burdened with a chronic problem... UNLESS WE CHOOSE not to talk about it with the people in the 'stuck' position -- that is why I believe that we need to talk here and get the BULK of our support in here -- others are here for the same reason(s) we are -- for support -- then go home or when your family comes home -- put on a smile and think on the good things that you can focus on -- we don't have a disease that costs us a limb; we don't have a disease that disfigures our faces or our bodies; we don't have a chronic illness that keeps us from getting ourselves in and out of a wheel chair/bed/couch, etc... We can bathe ourselves and feed ourselves and YES, we do have problems.... but we need to learn to look at the things we DON'T HAVE --- like these I mentioned and then, dig down deep inside and when you can -- enjoy life fully -- and allow those around you to live fully in your presence. Will we always be able to do that? Of course not, we all have depressed and down days... but on the better days, smile as often as you can -- and talk less about YOU and more about THEM and see if you don't find that THEY start to ask more about what they can do to help you with this pain in the bladder.

I hope this lifts someone today... I don't mean it as a criticism, I truly do mean it as a challenge to reach out a little further tomorrow than you did today and to try to stand in the shoes of those that we ALL seem to have a problem with...

God Bless and may these words not be mistaken, but be a blessing and a bridge across for someone today!!!

Hugs,
Mary Mary, your post was dead on! I think you are exactly right in all of your thoughts and observations. That is why I come here instead of burdening my family and friends with discussions about my illness. I mean let's face it, they cant understand anyway, and they cant fix it, so all that would really come out of venting to them is that I would get it off my chest. I have thought for some time now that it makes alot more sense for me to come here when I have those needs instead of turning to them. After all, when I tell you guys stuff, I get the support and encouragement I am looking for, plus, lots of times you all have great practical suggestions that can actually help me out whether I am discussing something IC related or not! I dont feel like I am burdening people when I post here, because you all can choose to read my posts or not, and choose to respond or not. But, when you tell a loved one your troubles, they really dont have a choice on whether or not to hear it, and they also feel that they have to respond, whether or not they have anything helpful to say.

So, that is why I like to come here for that instead of turning to them. I have found that my relationships have improved since I began coming here in Jan. I have alot less problems with my husband now than I did before. I think as much as anything, when I was telling him things before, I was seeking support from him and for him to tell me the kinds of things you guys tell me. But, I finally realized a few months ago, that he cant give that kind of support, because he really doesnt understand. It doesnt make him a bad person or a bad husband, he just doesnt have it in him, even though he is a good man. So, when I quit looking for him to become something that he is not, and started to come here to talk to people who actually WANT to talk about it, hear about it, and help others cope with it, I am now getting those needs met, and it has freed him from the burden of having to hear me complain constantly about something that he cant fix.

Ironically, after I spend a little time on here each day, I find that I am "talked out" about IC, and now I really dont want to talk about it even when someone outside of here DOES ask me about it, because it is like I have filled my "quota" already for the day of IC talk. Does that make any sense?

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I think that your advice was spot on, as usual. Thank you for stating what I would like to have said, if only I were as eloquent as you! Hugs to all, Amy