Pass the cheese, because I'm whining!

[mattmom]

I wish we still had the Just Venting! board because that forum would be a good place for this post.

I feel rottenly depressed. I think it started back before my son went back to school. (Some of you may remember from my previous posts here that he has autism.) It just got to be too much to even think of interacting with him except for gettiing him things (food, etc.) Right now I'm hiding in the bedroom with both doors locked.

I made the fatal mistake of trying to get Matthew interested in some Disney movies . . . and now he's hooked on the second disc of the Beauty and the Beast set, which has a bunch of special features and a couple of games . . . and it also includes a music video which is a remake of the Beauty and the Beast theme song. Matthew has been watching that over and over and over. I think today alone he's watched it about five times in a row. Maybe more. It's driving me crazy!! :cussing:

This week school started, and we had a problem with Matthew's bus transportation. The bus didn't show at all the first day. Then, we tried to explain that he had to have a monitor on the bus for his own safety, only to be told that it was nowhere in his record that he had to have a monitor. The finally straightened that out after two days!! :cussing:

We also learned that Medicaid, which helps pay for Matthew's speech and occupational therapy, will--as of next month--only allow 2 hours a month of single-type therapy and about 4 hours a month of combined therapy without prior authorization from Medicaid. Matthew gets FOUR hours a month of speech and FOUR hours a month of OT. His therapists, fortunately, are willing to fight the paperwork battles with Medicaid. Not every therapist is willing and/or able. This is the THIRD TIME that the state of Georgia has attempted to restrict Medicaid coverage in some way, shape, or form, all in the name of saving money!! :cussing:

I think I ate something that didn't agree with my bladder and as a result, it's been really hurting a lot this past week. What makes me mad is that I think it was brussels sprouts--which I thought were supposed to be safe to eat!! I am at the point where I just want to say, to hell with the bladder, I am going to eat what I damn well please!! (Excuse the French. I don't care about not swearing right now, either!)

My DH's not too happy with work lately, either. They've (he works for the feds) dumped a whole bunch of stuff on his desk which, of course, has to be done immediately. Plus they expect him to answer the phone at certain times of the day as well as keep up with his own cases. He was interviewed for a job in Colorado back in July, which I don't think is going to work out. We have heard nothing about a possible second interview. He's applied for a bunch of other federal jobs and most of them have come back as either, position canceled or, he does not meet qualifications. I'm beginning to think that *if*
we want to get out of our city, *I* will have to be the one to get the job to do it. (Last month I just started court reporting school. That is also adding to the stress.) The last time we moved because of my job, it took DH ONE YEAR to even find something temporary. And it wasn't until 1997 that he was really on solid footing employment wise. I do NOT want to live through that nightmare again!

I can't keep the house clean. I have a nice neat schedule and do I follow it? NO!

I told DH I didn't want him to do overtime tomorrow. He's been doing a lot of Saturday overtime recently. He practically has to in order to keep up with the workload . . . but that leaves ME with Matthew the whole day, trying to figure out how to keep him busy, and unfortunately, it's either me at the computer with him at the TV, or he and I go shopping and/or run errands together.

We had been in counseling, but we have not been back since I started school because I have classes at night . . . and then there's always the question, who will watch Matthew? The person who watched him the last few times we went was the director of the counseling center. If we go back to see our counselor, it can't be at the same time we were going (again, because of class) and I don't know if the director will be available. I have given up asking people to baby sit because I am so tired of hearing no. We have been unable to find anyone who will help us consistently--and yes, we've tried our church and we've even tried respite. Nothing has worked.

I don't know, but I am at the point where I'm wondering if I need to seriously seeing a psychiatrist. I'm on anti-depressants prescribed by my family practitioner and I'm wondering if my meds need to be tweaked. But I feel so ashamed and embarrassed to say that I need psychiatric help. That brings up visions of people who are completely out of their minds having to be put in the hospital for their own safety and the safety of those around them.

I've been lying down too much also, just because I feel emotionally bad. Which doesn't help my sleep patterns and puts me in a vicious cycle of not being able to sleep at night, so feel tired during the day, so take nap, which means I can't sleep at night.

I've been wanting to be a writer, but forget that lately. I can't come up with a coherent story to save my life, and the novel I'm currently working on is just not working.

And, this is definitely a whine, but I want cable. I am so tired of our current programming choices and also, our UHF channels don't always get the best reception. But I don't know how to tweak the budget in order to afford it. And I'm afraid DH will just flat out say, "no." This is the guy that I had to completely nag in order to get Internet at home AND get my own cell phone (and he still won't join the 21st century and get one of his own!!)

I felt so bad today I did a little bit of retail therapy. My idea of retail therapy: the fabric section of Wal-Mart, where I bought $23.00 worth of fabric to make myself four pairs of pants. Which has just gotten added to the two lengths of fabric I bought to make two dresses . . . and the two unfinished pairs of pajamas for Matthew.

And on top of everything else, I have a test on Monday!!!!!

And when I tried to post this the first time, it wouldn't let me because I'm only allowed 10 images!!

:headbang: :headbang: :loco: :loco: :help: :help: :help:

[Kara29]

Tina,

With the amount of stress that you are in due to what is happening in your life, I think it would be highly beneficial to see a Psychiatrist. It would also help your son immensly if you could go and talk to a Therapist too. It helps for you to be able to have a safe, non-judgemental place and person to vent your feelings to. Many of us that are dealing with just IC see Psychiatrists and or Therapists to help out with life. It is completely normal to see a Psychiatrist and doesn't mean that you need to be locked up in an institution somewhere. Everday people on the street see Psychiatrists. Plus the Psychiatrist may be able to get a better handle on the antidepressants that you are on and help you to feel better all around.

I hope you feel better soon!

Kara

[traceann]

I agree with Kara - I think you could really benefit from some one on one counseling for just yourself, view it as something to take care of YOU! You have to have a saftey valve to unload all that is on your shoulders, and I am in amazed at all you have on your plate and you are still holding it together!! That's HUGE!!!! ;) I think it would be a great, safe arena for you to vent your frustrations, any "guilt" you might feel etc. You are only human, and you are quite the amazing woman (even if you don't think so, I think every one of us here would disagree with you on that one! ;) )

I also think your behaving badly bladder (yikes, say that 5 times fast!) might and or could be due to just plain old stress. You are carrying soooo much of it, it would be amazing if your bladder wasn't rebelling. Have you been able to eat brussels sprouts before? I know that for me, the minute I could feel myself tensing up from some stressor that my bladder was sure to follow, and yep it did. Quicky, I would say almost instantly really.

I just wanted to let you know that you can vent and whine all you like! We don't mind a bit!!!!!!

[dg2901]

Tina,
I just finished reading your post and was somewhat overwhelmed, so I can only imagine what you must be feeling like inside. Like mentioned, dont hesitate to seek out counseling for yourself, be it from a psychologist, psychiatrist, social worker, etc. Just because one chooses to seek help from a PSY does not mean theyre in need of being institutionalized (you rationally know that). And to boot, if you did start seeking help from a psychiatrist he/she would be able to monitor/tweak/change your medication(s) as needed, instead of your family physician.
While my recent/latest issue didnt involve what youre currently going through, it did bring me to my knees-to the lowest I think i've ever been. Fortunately I have access to a psychiatrist and while I didnt want to, I resorted to seeking out his expertise. And quite frankly I felt heaps better once I unloaded to someone who I knew would be nonjudgemental and who would offer me some much needed coping skills.

With saying all of that, do what you feel would be beneficial to your current needs; dont let a possible stereotype keep you from help.

Take care of yourself, dear.
Diana

[Trishann]

Tina, I think we all at one time or another seek out for help. Seeking out for help does not make you weak or crazy. I think you are very courageous seeking help when you need it. You have your hands full of taking care of your family and stuff and now it is time to help yourself. If that means to have someone to help you with this, I would go for it. Maybe you just need someone to listen to you or someone to help you to make changes. Learning to take care of you. Don't be afraid to get help.

Sending hugs, Trishann

[mattmom]

I sent an e-mail to a very close friend . . . who promptly told me that YES, I needed to get to the doctor! So now I have to hunt someone up who's on my insurance. :-(

[traceann]

Good luck in your quest, and I am sure you will find someone you are comfortable with!! Do keep us posted!!!

[ihurttoo]

Tina,

I am sorry that I am a bit late responding to this. I am just now getting caught up on reading the posts from the last week. But, I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone, that we all have those moments, days, heck, even weeks!

I see that the others have given you great advice. There is definately no shame in seeking help! ANYONE would be overwhelmed with everything that you have going on! Like the others, I also think that it would be helpful for you to talk to a psychiatrist, so that you can unload, and so s/he can tweak your meds to help you over this hump. If you havent done so already, I urge you to make an appt today.

There are lots of people who see psychiatrists. I saw one myself a few years ago, when I was having a rough time. It really helped me alot. He was able to find the right antidepressant for me, and also found one that had a bonus of being beneficial for neuropathic pain! Definately worth the co-pay!

So please dont be afraid to get help! Let us know how you are doing. I pray that you find some peace soon. Hugs, Amy :pray: :kissing: :grouphug:

[Amanda 2006]

Hi Tina, I hope you have found someone by now to talk with. I just want to let you know that I had those same feelings about see a psychologist at first. I knew I wasn't "crazy" and I thought that would be how I would look if I went to see someone. But it is not like that at all. If you can find the right doctor you won't feel that way. I had a lot to deal with this last year and if I wouldn't have agreed to talk with someone I may not be at the point I am now, which is more in control of my life, IC and all.
Just make sure that whoever you speak with you feel comfortable with, if you don't feel comfortable with that person then change as soon as possible.
Good luck and take care of yourself.

[ICNDonna]

I hope you are feeling a little better by now. You certainly have a heavy load to carry.

Warm hugs,
Donna

[sandramac]

Tina you are a amazing strong woman, with Ic and your son and family.It would be a great story to talk about all your struggles and such as having your son and trying to deal with everyday life and your Ic as well. Its not unrelastic to see a therpist to help you deal with what you are feeling, as they are your feelings and you have a right to yourself and family to work on why you are feeling the way you are! Please try to take the time for you and feel better and your son and hubby with also reep in the benefits as well as you for taking the very much deserved time you need to help yourself ! big Hugs Love Sandra:cat: :cat: :cat:

[ShePurzz]

Tina -- you are doing a great thing by venting all of this !!! You go girl!! Whoever said to suck it up didn't have a real life with real problems and probably never sucked up anything but more money than the rest of us have.

My friend also has a son with Autism -- she shares a lot of your frustrations with not getting anyone to babysit -- I think mostly because they don't know what to expect or how to handle him if he gets out of hand -- which he has been known to do. Is there a class offered that helps people learn what help is needed in your area? Or, can you invite a very people to come spend some time to learn what they would need to do? Possibly just knowing WHAT you want from them will reduce their anxiety about knowing HOW to help you.

As far as whining -- if anyone has a good reason you do... you have so much on your plate, and it seems that your last in line for a little pampering of your own. Laying down in the day is hardly a luxury -- it would be a necessity if I were walking in your shoes! I would have collapsed long ago with the number of things on your plate.

What kind of writing are you interested in? Perhaps even if you can journal a bit about what you WANT to do, it will give you some sense of accomplishing that desire or goal -- you can use your journal notes later to compile a book too so that time wouldn't be wasted.

School -- okay, you have a very full plate -- how on earth do you manage it? Work -- oh gosh -- I would be scared to death to think that on top of everything else, you may have to take a job to get moved -- Can you start a list of your priorities and see if moving is the first thing on the list? If not, perhaps letting your husband do some more job seeking in other areas and not put a deadline on the moving day so you don't have to try to add work to your already full life.

A psychiatrist --- haa haa haa --- you could probably use a whole host of them by now! :help: I don't know how you have done it without a psychiatrist or at least a very understanding and knowlegeable psychologist. If you need meds adjusted, a psychiatrist would be more knowlegeable, however, if you are seeking to get your thoughts organized and set a plan and a goal that is realistic, you may do better with a psychologist -- but I would do my homework to be sure you get someone who isn't just a good listener, but also can really help you to deal with all of these things -- health, family issues, work, school, personal interest time, etc... you have so much to straighten out and organize in some sort of priority list. But you do mention a concern with your meds -- and feeling depressed -- who wouldn't with a day that starts out with a list that is unreasonably long and overfilled -- how could superwoman get it all done... But, with depression comes the lack of sleep etc... (check out the sleep hygeine post --- hopefully you can incorporate some of it and get good REM sleep!)

Matthew wanting to watch the same video over and over and over... I am guessing that is typical Autism behavior -- right? If so, is there a way to just get another 'new' choice and distract him into chosing to change videos -- or if not, will he wear headphones while he watches -- that way, you don't have to hear it in the back ground... If you are like me, when my girls watch the 'Sound of Music' for the fortieth time in a weekend, I am ready to kill Julie Andrews -- the poor woman! But, if I can set them up in another room and then turn music on where I am at, I can at least drown out the video -- something like that may help when he is repetitive... Or, giving him three or four videos and telling him to choose two -- and he can only watch it one time, then has to watch the other, then he can repeat the first again -- that may also help... don't know ... my girlfriends son will repeat the same request over and over and over until he gets what he is focussed on -- it has to be awful to be trapped inside of a mind that just won't let it go... but it is the way they work and finding a way to tolerate it may be easier than letting it make you go crazy... Or, can YOU wear earplugs -- I do that a LOT around here just to get alone with my own thoughts and to block out all the noises if they start getting to me.

Last, I want to say a prayer for you -- hoping it will give you a peace tonight and tomorrow and the next day, etc....

Dear Heavenly Father, I just lift my sister Tina up before you and ask for your intervention in her life Lord. I ask that you will comfort and direct her and help her to sort through the many things and issues that she is facing.

I pray for a deep abiding peace that will help her to 'not feel the cares of today' are going to take her down to her knees in sorrow, but rather that she would sense that she has a freind in You who knows and understands what she is going through each and every day.

I pray that she will know that she is a very special person that you have given her Matthew to care for. I pray that you will bless her immensely for taking such good care of her son and for sacrificing her own happiness at times to help him to be happy -- thank you for giving Matthew a great mom who loves and cares for him and wants the best for him in so many ways.

I pray you will help her to sort her thoughts into small sections -- like writing othat ut all of the things on her mind onto separate pieces of paper and seeing just how many things are on her mind -- then help her to sort these according to the priority that YOU have for each of these things in her life.

Father, help Tina to take all of these things that she writes on paper and create a box near her bedside -- help her to put these things into that box at night knowing that only when she lets them go can YOU take hold of them -- so as a sign of letting go, help her to put these into a box and lie down in peace knowing that you will deal with them in the night -- then if she needs to pick them up in the morning, they will still be there -- however, if she wants to leave them in Your hands, you will carry them throughout the coming day.

I pray that when she lies down to sleep that you would grant incredibly healthful sleep so that she awakens filled with energy and love for the day ahead.

I pray that when her husband is home, that he will be a comfort and helpmate to her in all ways. And I pray that Matthew would be blessed and comforted even at times when his mom needs to be in another room for a while.

Thank you Lord for I know that you care and will comfort Tina not only today in the midst of trials, but every day -- whether her problems and concerns are overwhelming or not -- for you care for us in big and small things.

Thank you for this place where she is able to come and vent and that she is comfortable doing so -- thank you for what I know you are going to do, Amen.

Be Blessed Tina!!!
HUGS,
Mary:pray: :pray: :pray: :pray: :pray:

[ThomasMcKean]

Matthew wanting to watch the same video over and over and over... I am guessing that is typical Autism behavior -- right? If so, is there a way to just get another 'new' choice and distract him into chosing to change videos -- or if not, will he wear headphones while he watches -- that way, you don't have to hear it in the back ground...

Yes it is very common. It is called "perseveration." And God help anyone who tries to get him away from the TV! ACK!

Sometimes the child can be distracted and turned on to other things, but a lot of times there is just nothing you can do. You can either let him watch it (and watch it....and watch it.....and watch it) or you can face the consequences of not letting him watch it. I can't say for sure, of course, but based on what she wrote, I am guessing that yeah, there will be consequences! :(

The headphones are not a bad idea. But for that to work, he has to be willing to wear them.

I also hope she is feeling better.

[Bessie]

Just wanted to send you a hug:grouphug: