Losing it

[Shypup74]

Hey gang.

I wandered away from here for quite awhile. I was doing pretty well. My symptoms were down to tolerable levels and my friends had adjusted to my peculiarities. (No movie theaters, stopping at every restroom and/or rest stop passed, etc.) I managed to get a job change from my employer that made things easier on me and my condition. I even found a new hobby that I could do without my IC getting in the way. (Ham radio for anyone that is wondering.) I left my wife (reasons unrelated to IC) and that actually helped lower my stress level, which of course helped my symptoms relax, also. I had even managed to begin to lose some of the 70 odd pounds I put on with the lifestyle changes that IC forced on me.

Like I said, doing pretty well.

I am not sure what triggered the flare, but I have been having an absolute beast of a flare that has really messed me up. I usually live around a 3 or 4 on a 10 scale for pain. (Testicular and bladder manifestation of pain with occasional penis pain for good measure.) The flare has had me up to a solid 7 or 8 with the really bad days up to a 9. The pain meds bring me down to a 5 or so, but my job is in accounting now so I can't take enough to get it below that and still work.

To add to my fun, my employer just decided that under the law my job cannot be salaried, it has to be hourly. This has jacked up my stress level badly enough that I am wanting to leave the company and find somewhere else to work. It seems like a small thing to be as bothered as I am about it, but it changes how I am able to do my job. Before, I was coming in usually a bit early and staying as late as I felt I needed to make sure the job was done to a level that I was willing to put my name on. I was averaging about 50 hours a week, I think. There really are no other jobs in the company that I want to change to, so that kind of makes it time to leave.

I really want to go back to school so that I can pick a job that I can make a good living at that I would enjoy. Having IC, however, means that if I lose my insurance I am full-on screwed. Without my meds, I was in too much pain to even be able to stand up. I ran a constant 8 for pain with peaks to 9 and 10. (I'm sure there is someone else here that has gotten to do that screaming, crying, begging for relief thing that I was living with.) So if I leave this company, I have to try for something that would start me off with insurance from day 1. ( The continuing coverage cost for my insurance would be about $500 a month until the new plan kicked in otherwise. ) Without some sort of degree, the chances of that are minimal. It's sort of a catch 22.

I am at the point that I just don't know what to do. I have access to a therapist through my insurance, but most of the ones in this area are full of crap and textbook answers. (I got to meet alot of them trying to get my wife help for the problems I left her over.) I am finding that each passing day I am less eager to get out of bed. I just want to roll over and try to forget. The flare means that I am taking a lot of pain meds once I am off of work to try to cope with the pain. The extra pain meds mean I am not sleeping real well. ( I don't sleep worth a crap even without them. ) The exhaustion adds to my stress level which brings us back to square one.

I just feel like I am caught in a nasty evil cycle that I do not have the key to. I don't know what I am hoping to have happen posting this here, except that maybe someone on the outside looking in can help me see the door. I have to admit that I can't imagine how that could happen, but I guess I just have to try.

Thanks for listening to me rant. If nothing else, I appreciate that I can do that here and know that the person telling me they understand indeed might.

Austin
:help: :help: :help: :help: :help: :help: :help: :help: :help: :help:

[SharonA]

Hi Austin...

Yes, we do understand what you are going through and yes, we can identify with you. IC is very frustrating. Flares seem to come out of the blue and take forever to go away. Sometimes, pinpointing the cause is not easy.

Since you are going hourly and probably won't be working those long hours, is there a possibility that you could take some classes in the evening? Maybe over the internet in some field that you would enjoy? There are online colleges that are really very good and accredited. That way, you could get your degree at your own speed.

In that same line of thought, is there a chance that your job would pay for part, if not all of your tuition? Some do if they think you are bettering yourself for them. Maybe there is a way for you to stay at the same company but in a different position???

[armslee]

Hi Austin-
I too live in a "catch 22" but I work in insurance so I can only offer you some things to think about:

Most employers do have a new employee waiting period for benefits. Medical benefits usually run 1st of the month following 30, 60 or 90 days. All this depends upon how the contract was initially drawn up by the company and the insurance carrier. A good company usually will on have a 30 day period.

So if you were to terminate your current employment on say the 10th of the month and begin your new job on the 12th, you will have coverage through your previous employer until the end of the current month. Unfortunatley you would have to choose COBRA coverage for 1 month to meet the 30 day waiting period at your new job.
If this happens, I know COBRA is expensive, but TAKE IT. I say this because you could roll the dice and be uninsured for a month. Don't let any more than 63 days lapse between the date your previous coverage terminated and your new coverage begins. If you do, then the new coverage does NOT have to cover pre-existing conditions.

Group medical coverage has to take you no matter what, as long as you have had previous coverage without lapse.

My only other advice would be to maybe look around for another job if you are that unhappy. I am in a predicament at my job. I either continue to work full time or I they will fire me. But what can one do?

Best of luck!

[vm]

Oh, Austin. :( I can see why the flare if only from stress alone! You have had a lot of changes lately and just the worry over pending ones is stress enough! Do you feel like your IC is being addressed well enough by your uro?

I would think about a therapist. There's got to be ONE out there who could help, right? I hope???? Good therapists, REALLY good therapists, are worth the hassle of the search and some of the trial and error.

I hope something helps relieve your discomfort and pain SOON. And I sure hope you can find a job that gets you insurance quickly if you leave the current one. :kissing:

[ScottR]

Shypup,

As to school I would explore all of your employment options using the education you have now. Why don't you change profressions but still continue to use your accounting background. I see you live in NC. I know that the Vanguard Group and Fidelity are expanding in Charl, NC. They may have something less stressfull or even part time. Many companies give benefits to part timers now. How about working as a contract worker therebye giving you a break between jobs now and then.
Just a thought.

SR

[mare mare]

I'm with you Austin!!
Thoughts and Prayers!
:pray::grouphug: :pray:

[christalbean]

Hey,
I had to quit my job over all the IC crap:toilet:
I did however go back to school.:woohoo:
I don't know how you feel about restaurant work, but I found an employer who has Day One coverage=Ruby Tuesday:bow:
You can work out front, in the back, whatever. the insurance isn't that expensive and like I said day one!!!!
They aren't too tough on going to the bathroom all the time, and from my experience don't really worry about the meds. you are on.
Also, since it is restuarant work, there is no set schedule. you tell them when you can work. and if you are hurting on a day that you have to work, there is ALWAYS someone who would LOVE to pick up your shift!!!
AND THE BEST THING!!!
you only have to work one day a week to qualify for the insurance.
Just thought that I would throw this out to you.
It worked for me, untill school got so intense that I couldn't work. But, thankfully I qualified for state benefits.
Just an idea!!
Best of luck :smile tee, warm wishes and prayers are headed straight for you,:pray:
Love,
Christal

[Shypup74]

I guess I should fill in a couple of details since I am honestly hoping for an idea I can work with.

First, I am seperated from my wife and stuck paying off the bills she ran up. Short of paying a lawyer, that is how it will be until I am actually divorced. With this being the case, I only just make my bills working the 6 days that I am working. This also leaves me in such a position that I don't have the money up front to pay for school of any type. (I literally clear my monthly bills by about $50.) My employer will reimburse me for work related schooling, but I have to eat the cost up front.

As far as current education goes, I only have a high school diploma. I have no formal training in accounting, I just proved to be good enough at it that my employer moved me into that department. The position that I have now is directly working with the delivery drivers for our company. It is not a general accounting position. I was a driver myself for almost 7 years here which is why it is easier for me to handle this particular position.

The one other disadvantage I have for school is that I work usually from 11am to 8pm. That burns me for either day or evening classes.

I know that I sound kind of doom and gloom defeatist, but that is also kind of how I feel at the moment.

Thanks,
Austin

[marsi4]

Austin I have suffered with ic pain for 35 years. I suggest you hang on to you job as long as you can. Changing jobs won't change a thing. The best job you can have with ic is a sitting job but if you find the job is mentally stressful and too demanding and you are finding it very difficult to cope with your pain I would urge you to go on a medical leave and then apply for disability benefits. I left my job last year and was denied disability but I know if I ersist and get legal aid I will get it. IF you are in agonizing pain and can't take it anymore and coping with the pain is all you can do, then that's what you need to do. Like I said this may be a short flare which I hope but some can be never-ending. If it persists take care of yourself and if you can get disability benefits you might be able to make ends meet and perhaps you can try and work part-time if they allow you to if it's not enough. This is a very painful condition and I managed it okay for 35 years, until 2 yeras ago when it knocked me off my feet. Hope you get better soon and can hang on to your job. Pease keep us posted and et us know how you are doing.

Marsi4

[kadi]

Hi there,
This summer I've been sitting a lot due to taking a lot of online classes. If sitting is bothering you, I highly recommend getting one of the IC seat cushions Jill has in the ICN store. It's really a lifesaver & if it can take the pain down a notch or two, might be worth it.

Wishing you better days soon--

[ShePurzz]

Hey gang.

I managed to get a job change from my employer that made things easier on me and my condition. I even found a new hobby that I could do without my IC getting in the way. (Ham radio for anyone that is wondering.)

The job sounds like you like it and that it is easier on you in regards to IC -- perhaps you can eliminate some change by keeping that job in place for the time being -- you can always find another job later. The ham radio hobby -- can you utilize that to generate any extra income on the side? Perhaps teaching someone else about it, or perhaps something I can't think of since I don't know much about them... Just a possible source of a little extra income.

I left my wife (reasons unrelated to IC) and that actually helped lower my stress level, which of course helped my symptoms relax, also. I had even managed to begin to lose some of the 70 odd pounds I put on with the lifestyle changes that IC forced on me. Like I said, doing pretty well.

I don't want to misinterpret you at all here, but leaving your wife lowered your stress on one level, however, due to the bills you mention a little later, I would consider that perhaps on a different level it has increased your stress. It is great that you can see the importance of losing extra weight -- that is always a healthy choice and I commend you for doing it!

I am not sure what triggered the flare, but I have been having an absolute beast of a flare that has really messed me up.

I am suggesting that the stress of separation brings on stress whether it is good or bad -- it is change and change brings stress... doesn't REALLY matter what caused it if it isn't something you can change -- and a divorce isn't something you can generally change -- it may be a matter of choosing your response to it rather than not recognizing it as happening. Make sense? You control how you respond to things -- that can help lower your stress by choosing to respond in a good and healthy manner for YOUR own good health.

I usually live around a 3 or 4 on a 10 scale for pain. (Testicular and bladder manifestation of pain with occasional penis pain for good measure.) The flare has had me up to a solid 7 or 8 with the really bad days up to a 9. The pain meds bring me down to a 5 or so, but my job is in accounting now so I can't take enough to get it below that and still work.

Have you determined what is causing the pain? Is it sitting? (I agree to get the right pillow for your chair) Is it stress? (I again point to making good choices and reading "Who Moved My Cheese?" by Spenser Johnson -- a FABULOUS book for changes in our lives. Have you seen your URO to rule out something that can be treated and that may go away with treatment? (If not, I would consider scheduling an appointment asap.) Are you eating right -- following the IC diet to be certain that your flare isn't self imposed? (If not, clean up the diet and see if that helps the flare up) Are you resting enough every day and night? (A huge thing and I believe possibly THE most important thing we can do for ourselves -- get enough GOOD solid rest -- uninterrupted and EVERY NIGHT!)


To add to my fun, my employer just decided that under the law my job cannot be salaried, it has to be hourly. This has jacked up my stress level badly enough that I am wanting to leave the company and find somewhere else to work. It seems like a small thing to be as bothered as I am about it, but it changes how I am able to do my job.
HINT: You are pointing out a good thing here, but you aren't answering your own question -- WHY has this seemingly "small thing" bothered you so much that you can not do your job the way you usually do? Just some thoughts: Is it a feeling that you are working more hours but not getting as much money? (That could tick a person off or make you feel like you got demoted) Are you really wanting to leave the job -- see your first thoughts above -- or are you just angry about this situation and don't really know how to deal with it? (Really consider journalling your feelings on this for a couple of days and see what it is that is REALLY bothering you!)

Before, I was coming in usually a bit early and staying as late as I felt I needed to make sure the job was done to a level that I was willing to put my name on. I was averaging about 50 hours a week, I think. There really are no other jobs in the company that I want to change to, so that kind of makes it time to leave.
Not necessarily -- do you HAVE TO LEAVE? Or can you make it work at this job and reduce the amount of change in your life which will ultimately reduce the amount of stress. Again, you can always leave the job later if you find another job you want to take -- but don't be too quick to leave a paying job when there are so many out there on unemployment that would readily snatch it up! Again, I really detect that you are feeling a bit 'ripped off' or that you are getting demoted a bit here -- You worked more than 40 hours for your salary and now you are working way more than 40 hours for that same pay... I think possibly considering asking for a slight pay increase could do two things -- First, you would be able to let your boss know that you really like your job and don't want to leave it -- however, you are really strapped financially. You could let him know that you used to put in about 45-50 hours per week for $X and now you are working more hours and perhaps not making as much or maybe not enough more to justify the change in pay. Suggest an amount that you would need to help get you enough for your bills, and not SO much that he can't comply or counter offer you. That way you would sense that he really appreciates you and is willing to work with you to solve the problem.

I really want to go back to school so that I can pick a job that I can make a good living at that I would enjoy.

Consider night classes one or two nights a week, or consider on-line classes that will get you started -- but if you REALLY WANT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL, don't let IC stop you!

Having IC, however, means that if I lose my insurance I am full-on screwed.
No, it doesn't mean that -- that is what you THINK it means because you are concerned about your meds and getting check ups, however, I lived through more than one period of time without insurance, and there are other things available to help you if you aren't qualified for insurance at your job. Look into them by contacting your local agencies and ask what your options are -- talk to the college or university that you would be attending and ask what you are paying for in regards to health related problems while you are a student at their school.

Without my meds, I was in too much pain to even be able to stand up. I ran a constant 8 for pain with peaks to 9 and 10. (I'm sure there is someone else here that has gotten to do that screaming, crying, begging for relief thing that I was living with.) So if I leave this company, I have to try for something that would start me off with insurance from day 1.
IF you decide to leave your job, you would be taking a terrible risk if you didn't have these ducks in a row first... What you would do for work, insurance, paying your bills, etc... Don't jump the gun or make too many changes at one time... Following a divorce, many counselors will often tell you not to make any big changes for at least a year -- you are NOT dealing with your own full deck -- there was a loss -- and that hurts at some level -- and it certainly will bring about changes in your finances, your daily living, and your self confidence and esteem -- let yourself settle into your life after divorce before throwing more things into the mis.

(The continuing coverage cost for my insurance would be about $500 a month until the new plan kicked in otherwise.) Without some sort of degree, the chances of that are minimal. It's sort of a catch 22.
Again, I don't really believe that -- I think that you can keep working, add a couple of classes and go slowly, and that you can also do another big thing if you DO leave your job. You can ask your doctor to do the three month refill -- many insurance companies will let you buy three months at a time and actually pay less for these medications if you take them on a regular long term basis. I get almost all of my medications for three months at a time. When my husband got laid off in January I called my doctor and asked for a three month refil on all of my meds and went out and filled them all -- we didn't know it would turn into a 6 month lay off, but at least I was set for the first three -- my doctor was happy to fill my prescriptions with samples during the following three months on anything that he had in his office. Other companies will give you free medications if you can't afford to buy them -- ask your doctor if any of your meds offer that -- and ask for generics on things that he can't give you in sample form.

I am at the point that I just don't know what to do.
Yes, you do know -- you just don't KNOW that you know it yet... you are answering your own issues but it is all tangled up right now -- take time to breathe -- journal and reflect on these issues one at a time -- don't try to see "Z" right yet -- focus on "A" and "B" first...

I have access to a therapist through my insurance, but most of the ones in this area are full of crap and textbook answers. (I got to meet alot of them trying to get my wife help for the problems I left her over.) I am finding that each passing day I am less eager to get out of bed.

Therapists -- hmmm --- what joy you can get from them -- and what help you can find in them, and what a pain in the butt it can be to find the right match for you... Call and ask to have a consultation with some that you haven't met yet and ask them their 'thoughts' on doing therapy -- see if their 'belief system' matches yours so that you can really get a good rounded match with your counselor.

I just want to roll over and try to forget.
THAT is depression speaking and you MUST address it with a consult to your doctor... it may be a low grade depression or something more creeping up on you,,, but NIP IT IN THE BUD! and don't let it rob you of the precious life you have before you!

The flare means that I am taking a lot of pain meds once I am off of work to try to cope with the pain. The extra pain meds mean I am not sleeping real well. ( I don't sleep worth a crap even without them. ) The exhaustion adds to my stress level which brings us back to square one.

Brother -- you are dealing with a LOT OF STUFF and you have a classic case of 'flat tire' syndrome! You have been going and going and going and not stopping to check the air in your tires. You need a refil from time to time and it seems to me that you are running on less than a full tire! SLEEP is the #1 robber of a good day! Elavil is a wonderful medication for IC patients -- ASK YOUR DOCTOR, don't listen to me :loco: for a few reasons: First, elavil has properties that help with the lining of your bladder -- many IC patients are on it for that reason. It is also a non-addictive anti-depressant; and it is also good for helping you sleep through the night... SO, if you are not already taking Elavil -- ask your URO, your Medical Doctor and your Phychiatrist (if you have one) if that may be a good option for you.

I just feel like I am caught in a nasty evil cycle that I do not have the key to.
CYCLES do not have keys... DOORS do though and that is what you have before you --- many doors. I hope you will take time to reflect on what they are, which ones are worth opening or closing and which ones are just wasted time and energy. Decide for yourself which ones you will open, close or ignore -- you don't need a key -- you just need a clear head... You have that -- it is just a matter of sitting quiet long enough to hear what is going on inside of it...

I don't know what I am hoping to have happen posting this here, except that maybe someone on the outside looking in can help me see the door.
See you DO know that it is a door, not a cycle -- you just need to slow your mind down and listen to your own thoughts.. it's in there!!! I have to admit that I can't imagine how that could happen, but I guess I just have to try. God is good, and he is also mysterious -- He works in mysterious ways. Perhaps he sent you to the IC board so that all of these wonderful people on here could help you to figure this out!

Thanks for listening to me rant. If nothing else, I appreciate that I can do that here and know that the person telling me they understand indeed might.

Austin
:help: :help: :help:, etc...

YOU ALREADY HAVE THE ANSWERS INSIDE OF YOU AUSTIN -- now, you just need to slow yourself down, don't make any changes that you don't take time to really journal and pray about and look at the beginning -- where you are now -- not the end. When you have thoroughly thought one thing through, then act on it -- and don't question yourself if things don't go exactly as you had thought or planned -- LIFE IS WHAT HAPPENS when you are going through daily life -- ENJOY all of the experiences for what they are -- some are not fun at all -- ENJOY them anyhow! Some are wonderful and exciting and some are typical and often 'daily' -- recognize the beauty in every day and the gift that each day is to you.

I pray that you will find your answers and make your choices wisely. I also hope that you will consider the book I mentioned -- it is truly an inspirational (although very short) read!

God Bless you with peace and a sense of calmness to get you through to your blessing!

Mary