Fear and Failure

[Kara29]

We are in a really bad finanical spot right now that my Husband would like me to keep private so I won't go into the full details but we have fallen into a really big mess that we can't get out of. I am so paralyzed with fear because we are going to be kicked out of our apartment if we don't get some help soon. We are waiting for paper work to pull money out of our retirement funds so we can start to beak the ice in this disaster. While waiting for this money we are not having enough to pay for food, rent, basically we have nothing and nothing for emergencies. My parents can't help, his mother can't help but we are sinking, literally. My Granmother on the other hand does not want to see us sink and she can't consiously let us sink so she has stepped in to help get us out and try to set us on the right financial path. Neither one of us wanted to accept her help but we knew we would have no place to live if she didn't help us. She is loaning us the help and we will be paying it back with no interest over time. I feel a HUGE sense of FEAR and FAILURE! I feel like I have lost my Disability and My Husband has been fired. That is how messed up things are right now. It feels like it has all been taken away. I want to run out and work 3 jobs to make it all up to ourselves but common sense tells me with being as sick as I am that I can't do that and I don't want to actually lose the Disability. Also I am right out of surgery still and in the healing process so that doesn't make any common sense to mess up a surgery so delicate. I am just afraid that even with my Granmother to help us, that we won't be able to get out of this. I usually talk to my mom about everything, everyday but since this has happend I have not talked to her in a week, My Husband's mother is blaming this on me, so I am not talking to her. And My Husband has told me not to talk about this with anyone, so I've been suffering in silence for what seems like a year. I had to come here and let out some of my feelings or else I feel trapped. I just want to be able to make ends meet again and feel safe and secure. FEAR and FAILURE are my biggest demonds right now. This is my support group and IC has gotten us here so here I am.

Thanks for listening with a compassionate and nonjudgemental ear.

Kara

[ICLori]

I'm so sorry, Kara, the last thing you need is more stress like this! I hope so much everything works out okay. I'm so glad your Grandma is helping! What a wonderful person she must be.

The most common reason for bankruptcy, is medical costs. Most people, when faced with operation after operation like you have had, HAVE to declare bankruptcy because of it, because medical costs are outrageous and no person who isn't a multi-millionaire can afford it. I know bankruptcy seems like a terrible thing, but perhaps there would be a debt counselor who could maybe get your debt reduced by a percentage (I've heard they can do that) or maybe could talk the hospital into accepting just a certain amount of what they are owed...it wouldn't hurt just to talk to a free debt counselor. My BIL worked for awhile in that capacity and he was really able to help a lot of people.

Anyway, I hope things work out for you. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else.

I'm all for nationalized health care, where a certain level of good healthcare is free for all, payed by taxpayers. But that probably will never happen here in the U.S., no matter how bad things get...

You see, if you lived in Europe, you wouldn't be facing such debt problems, because all the medical care would have been free to you....

Blessings,
Lori

[armslee]

Kara-
First let me give you a big hug and kiss sweetie because you deserve it sooo badly !:kissing:
I have been very near where you are financially in the last couple of months and I also had a husband who was very "proud". The burden that you are carrying is too much so please come here and share it. You can pm me if you feel safer. Also you can email me at wendiwoman@comcast.net
I too had to cash out my IRA to pay the mountains of doctor bills that were overtaking my life. I have had to come back to work full time and coping with that is also a major challenge.
Is it possible for your husband to take a job, any job just to bring in $$$? I know for men that can be so mentally breaking but my husband will be taking a second job soon to help us. Sometimes we just have to do whatever we can to put food on the table and keep the roof, know what I mean?

I really, really, really understand your anxiety and frustrations with not being physically able to help out more financially. I have started seeing a psychologist as my anxiety has really begun to take over my life not just mentally but now physically too. I have watched my husband start drinking more as he is trying to find ways to cope with things himself. Seeing this is tearing me apart too but what can we do?

You will get stronger physically. Things will get better mentally but trying to find the strength in between is overwhelming. Seek your strength from God. It may not be today that you see the changes happen. Probably not even next week, but our Lord will work things out for you and your husband. He loves you and doesn't want to see you in pain. Pray to him for guidance and strength to get through this. I can promise you that you will reap the rewards.

Hugs,
Wendi

[ICLori]

Says a prayer for both Kara and Wendi...Please, heavenly father, please let things turn out okay soon for both of them...

Blessings,
Lori

[ShePurzz]

Hello Kara and thank you for trusting this group enough to share what is on your heart.
First, I want to let you know how difficult this year was for us in that we shared some very similar situations -- my husband lost his job for 6 months to lay off.
I prayed that he would be back to work by the end of the month, but that didn't happen... then two, three, etc.. at three months we lost our insurance, at four and five I was asking the Lord what else he had for us to learn -- what started out as a 'horrible thing' ended up being a wonderful blessing for us. I swear to you that the LORD is there and he is so concerned about you and your needs right now.

I re-read a favorite little one day book -- Who Moved My Cheese? -- during this time and I just hope that you can find a copy at the library -- or if not, I would send you mine to borrow. It is such a good read and the principles are set out by a man (Spencer Johnson) who knows about financial problems and life situations that throw us into a tail spin. He isn't a Christian author -- at least he doesn't write from that perspective in this book -- however -- the principles in the book are so exactly right on.

Oh, I hear you when you wonder about going to work and losing your SSI. I felt that I really helped out when I finally got over the embarrasment of signing up for SSI -- it went through first time I applied and I felt that I was finally contributing something to the family -- if nothing else, at least enough to cover the cost of my medical problems -- however -- it doesn't take a long time to feel guilty for not working to make a living. Some things you CAN do without losing your SSI... You can work some - from home if you have a hobby or craft that you can do. I did secretarial for a board -- which meant that I only had to go to meetings once every 6 weeks or so -- that was good because I worked from home when I was able. I asked for $15 per hour and they didn't shake a stick at it. The income for a few hours helps, but it wasn't enough to lose my SSI. I know I couldn't 'go to work' on a daily basis due to the IC and many other physical limitations, however, I can bead and I can type and I can do things that way to help bring in a few extra dollars... Just think on what you enjoy and what you are good at -- see if you can turn it into a few dollars on eBay or something like that!

Another thing -- when we lost our job, I wondered if the Lord was trying to teach us something -- I wish I had asked that question in the beginning of the 6 month lay off rather than waiting until about month four to ask -- however -- I do believe that he was teaching ME to fully rely on him... FROG -- Fully Rely On God -- as my kids would say! I needed to stop depending on myself and my ability to supply my own needs - or my husband to do it for us. I needed to see God as the real source of our daily bread. I eventually gave away things I didn't need, even helped another family in need by giving them LOTS of groceries during their layoff and no longer feeling that if I couldn't SEE IT it wasn't there. HUH? Yes, if I didn't see the food in the cupboard, I thought it wasn't coming -- if I didn't see the cash in the envelope, I thought we WEREN'T going to pay the bills. Etc.. Well, it was a little humbling, but I did contact a place in our area that is a food pantry -- you surely will have some near you too. I went and did ask for help with our food needs, and they also happen to offer help with smaller utility bills -- but we had a gas bill that went up to over $500 !!! I ended up contacting the Salvation Army and they told me about another group through the Gas Company who helped us pay that entire bill!!! God used organizations to show me that I AM NOT IN CONTROL of my life -- HE IS -- at least he WANTS to be. If I were too proud or embarassed to ask for help, then it was going to be no food, no paying bills for us(me). I eventually really was okay asking for help-- that's what friend's are for -- right?

I used our local food pantry during our layoff -- and they were so generous -- I thought they would be condemning... WRONG!
I used the local FIA (Family Independence Agency) to help with bills -- I thought they would be condemning... WRONG! They paid off a couple of our bills for us.
I thought we would lose our cars and our house -- WRONG again -- the people in our church helped us but not because they magically realized we were that deep in trouble - we had NO savings to fall back on and we had two new cars less than a year old, and a house payment. (We had two new cars because the summer before, we had two cars completely die on us.. we put thousands of dollars into them and one ended up dying anyhow... My daugthers school was 40 miles one way, so she needed a car, my husband worked 50 miles one way in the other direction, and I needed a car at home to get to and from my regular doctor appointments... so we figured it made more sense to pay for new little cars than to continue dumping thousands into dead ones... ) Anyhow, we had these payments and no income for 6 months and I am here today to tell you that the LORD PROVIDED (Jehovah Jireh) for those needs because we trusted in him to do it and we let go of the pride of asking for help.

Really -- are any of us further than a couple of checks away from being desolate? Absolutely not -- unless we have been brought up and taught about saving properly for the future and for problems. Most of us don't have even three - four months of savings to tide us over in a crisis.

Who really helps us in these times? Friends can't give us the money -- however -- some will happily send over a bag or two of groceries to get us through -- they may allow us to use their washer and dryer if we need to go to a laundromat... but who can pay your car and house payments, gas and electric bills, etc... Not too many people can pull that off for us.

However, the Lord truly does bless some people with the ability to help you to that extent, and he has set into place groups and organizations whose primary purpuse is to help those in need.

CALL ON THEM in your need -- but FIRST, I strongly urge you to call upon your Heavenly Father who 'owns the cattle on a thousand hills' and tell him what is going on -- tell him your needs and your concerns... HE IS REAL... he is just waiting for you to ask him to intervene in your life.

If it is a new job -- trust in those who have made it their job to find new jobs.. online searches, organizations for helping you find work that you wouldn't even have thought was out there...

If it is doctor bills, write them a letter -- I had so many 'write off our bills' and others who said they couldn't write them off, but they would be willing to wait until he was back to work, then we only had to pay as little and $5 of $10 dollars a month until they were caught up.

If it is food, gas, spending money -- talk to your church -- they are filled with people who will help and don't want anyone to even know who they are -- the pastor will know who they are because they have already come to him asking him to let them know of anyone they can send a little money to - who they can supply with food etc.

Our church does food showers when a family is out of work -- they also take up a collection -- we were given $200 during the first few weeks of our layoff -- that was reassuring because we still needed gas money to do job hunting -- although we used the internet and the telephone in many cases to save on gas. Then, someone sent us $500 because they knew we were not going to be getting help with our rent -- that nearly paid our rent for one month... God puts on the hearts of his children a desire to do what needs to be done... we are his hands and his feet -- we will gladly do ANYTHING we can to help others when we are able -- why would you not be willing to allow others to do the same for you??? Well, I am sure you would be willing to accept that blessing, but if you haven't made it known, then others don't know about your need... Talk to your pastor or your church board member and let them know there is a need and ask if there is anything they can do to help tide you over...

Lastly, I know this is really the first thing, but I wanted to save it for last here...

Heavenly Father,
Your daughter, my sister, is hurting and fearful of the unknown in her life. Her husband is out of work, her family isn't completely aware of her needs and she is facing things that she doesn't know how to deal with right now. I come to you on her behalf asking that you would help this family to find work quickly, that you would teach them what you want them to know and that they would be willing to hear what you have for them to hear.

I ask that you would provide the daily bread and the daily needs of this family and that others would be made aware of thier needs and come forward -- what a blessing it is to have someone care and show it with actions -- we are blessed and you bless those who give to the ones in need -- a double blessing... let us not stand in the way of allowing those blessings to be had. Help give them the courage and strength to go through this trial with grace and peace and confidence that they aren't going to ever be outside of your arms of love; that they are never going to have to walk alone - you are there beside them, and as the beautiful poem reads... when they only see one set of footprints in the sand -- they are yours -- not ours -- because you are carrying us in those times -- YOU WILL NEVER LEAVE US NOR FORSAKE US and we can trust and believe this even when we can't see it with our own eyes.

I pray that you will give this beautiful sister a joy that is beyond her own understanding -- a peace that the world cannot understand and a love for you that will take her eyes off of the daily concerns and put them upon your beautiful face and know that YOU are there, watching her through this trial. Help her to believe that YOU are going to help them find things that are better than they had before -- sometimes we don't LET GO of the old things and you need to allow us to be pushed away from them, so that you can open the doors to better things. I pray that this is the case with her husband's work -- I pray that you will bring a job that is exceedingly, abundantly more than they could have hoped for. I pray that you will give her a sense of your presense that will calm her concerns and her fears and that you will not allow her to be put into anxiety and stresses way -- protecting her from an IC flare or other things that come when we get stressed out rather than come to you with our concerns.

These things I ask in the precious name of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.

Thank you for what I know you are already doing in this family's life and home.
Amen,
:pray:
Mary

BE BLESSED TODAY!!! I would be happy to talk with you by phone if you want to PM me... God Bless you!!!

[ICNDonna]

I work one half day a month on a food pantry project in our area. I think it's a wonderful project. You don't have to fill in a bunch of paperwork and you can pick out your groceries.

And I agree that credit counseling is a good idea. Most of the free services will work with your creditors so you can pay them at a slower rate and avoid bankruptcy --- and if bankruptcy is the best option for you, they will tell you.

Things will get better.

Warm hugs,
Donna

[poetgirl]

Hi Kara,

I can appreciate how you are feeling, since I have had my share of financial problems these past few years.

There are a number of non-profit agencies and organizations that can provide financial counseling and debt management programs, as well as emergency assistance for those who qualify. I am a board member with one such organization here in GA and they have helped several hundred families get food, pay utilities and avoid losing their homes in the past year alone. Your local or regional United Way chapter can provide you with a list of resources to contact. If you belong to a church or similar worship community, they also work with many of these organizations and can refer you. I know it's hard to ask for help, but these groups are here precisely to help people like you get through an unexpectedly difficult time in your life. There is no shame in requesting assistance, nor will you receive any judgment. In fact, you may feel relief knowing that some of the immediate burden has been lifted from your shoulders by people who can navigate the system on your behalf.

I hope things get better for you soon! :grouphug:

[Kara29]

I wanted to take the time to thank all of you for giving me advice, wisdom, knoweldge, spiritual quidance and loving ,nonjudgemental, support. All of your words meant something to me today and always will! I would like to clarify that My Husand still has a job, it's just not enough to take care of our bills. He has a good job too. What we need is some serious financial counseling and reorganization to help us learn how to magnage our debts and take care of them. Poetgirl thank you for the information on the non-profit organizations. I will look into that in my area. Donna, thank you for the information about the credit counseling, this is something we DEFINETELY NEED! Mary, your post was most incredible and uplifting mentally and spiritually. Thank You for taking time out of your day to post to me in our time of need. Thank you for the prayers! Even though I mislead you to think my Husand lost his job. I meant if feels like he has lost his job and that I have lost my disability because we can't pay for anything. Sorry that was misleading. Lori, as always you think a lot like I do, your word always move and inspire me. The things you said the other day in the thread about the clambake, I am still thinking about! I am still carrying around what you said to me and how you made me feel worth something! Wendi, thank you for understanding my anxiety and frustrations. My Husband may have to find a second job if we can't dig ourselves out of this mess. I will email you or PM you to talk about some things. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to talk and share and learn. I believe that for now, God has sent my Grandmother in to help in this matter and what God has sent I need to take and listen carefully for this is a learning opportunity. Our elders carry a LOT of wisdom and knowlege that can only help better us in many ways! Again Lori, thank you for being the first to respond to me. I was afraid of the response I might get to this post. I was afraid people would judge me or lecture. Thank you for taking the first step in making me feel cared for in so many ways!

Thank You all for taking time out of your busy days and lives and own war torn bodies to help out and give. It means the world to me and I am so grateful to know you all and be able to learn from you. I am so grateful for your support in this matter as with all of the things that you have all helped me through this year. I hope I can return the favor and give you all the support you need when I am back up and running.

Love and Hug to you ALL!

Kara

[kadi]

Hi Kara,
You've been given such good advice I don't have a whole lot to add, but the electric company & phone company usually have low income rates & they are significantly lower than the regular rates. Worth making the calls.

Also, a friend of mine had a $240,000 bill for a nine month hospitalization. She did not make much money in her job, so she sent the hospital a copy of her pay stub, outlined how that money was going for rent, food, utilities, and how all that was left to pay the hospital was $50 a month, but that she was grateful for them saving her life & she would pay it. Several months later, she received a letter from the hospital that due to a very large charitable contribution the hospital had received, she was forgiven the entire bill. I don't know how common an occurrence this is, but perhaps one of the credit counseling/debt management services can help you write such a letter for your medical expenses.

Wishing you better days soon--

[ShePurzz]

I wanted to take the time to thank all of you for giving me advice, wisdom, knoweldge, spiritual quidance and loving ,nonjudgemental, support. All of your words meant something to me today and always will!

Again Lori, thank you for being the first to respond to me. I was afraid of the response I might get to this post. I was afraid people would judge me or lecture. Thank you for taking the first step in making me feel cared for in so many ways!

Kara

Kara,,, just thought I would post what you said for you to read again -- YOU were afraid people would judge you or lecture you -- but the response(s) you got were loving and non-judgemental!

That is what most of our fear is ... what we THINK others are going to say or do. I hope this will encourage you to step out and ask for the help you do need from the areas available to you.

I am not going to give a long reply -- man, I am good at doing that! -- however, I am going to make a venture that you are in a position that we were in a few years back -- serious credit card debt along with medical and other bills.

Regardless of WHAT the debt it, it is there. Slapping yourself around won't help you get out of it. You know that, but I hope you also know that you are not so far in debt that you cannot get out of it. There are many Christian Financial Organizations set up to give free service to those who have gotten in over their heads -- however you got there. I hope you will contact one and I am CERTAIN that there is a ton of stress on you and your husband that WILL BE LIFTED once you at least have a plan out -- and can see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel -- even if it is far off -- doing NOTHING does exactly that -- NOTHING! As I said to George in a different post -- putting ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER even if it takes a while to get it there is doing SOMETHING -- and once you get started, the momentum will keep you going!

God Bless and don't worry about misleading -- the LORD KNOWS what the need is, I don't have to know!

HUGS, Mary