I am going out tomorrow and scared.

[Kara29]

We have our annual clam bake tomorrow. We see people there that we have not seen all year long. This year all of my good friends had babies and my Husband and I were trying way before they all did. And we still have not ever had a positive pregnancy test. I've never seen the stick turn blue. I went through several years of infertility and infertility treatments and they all failed and as it ended I got sicker with IC and had to have major surgery to get around it. Well another year comes around for us and I feel like I have accomplished not a darn thing in my life. No career, no house, no kids.....Tomorrow marks the first day I see all of my friends and their babies that don't live in our area. I am serious when I say they ALL had babies in the last year. I fell way behind. I've always wanted a little girl and still do. I am scared that I am going to say hello to all of them and then cry in front of them. I just want to say hello, say how beautiful they all are and then go into the bathroom and have a moment but I am afriad it won't just be one moment. I have put off seeing all of these people do to our infertilty and health issues. Plus nobody wants to hear my depressing health history. They and thier babies would all fall sound alseep. Anyway I am afraid there willl be lots of moments I may feel like crying. I just don't want anyone to see. I don't want them to think I am a selfish woman who only cares about herself. I want to celebrate thier babies and thier lives but it also hurts so bad. I wanted to come here just to let my feelings fall where they are right now. I've tried so hard to get myself well to get back into the swing of life but I just can't do it. I feel like such a failure and I may even cry about that. Everyone will be talking about thier kids, jobs, and houses, and what do I say? I am scared. I want to say and do the right things but my heart is in a different place. I've been falling deeper and deeper into depression over all of this. Clambake here we come! Ready or NOT!

Kara

[poetgirl]

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time, Kara. :( Just know that you are not a failure as a person because you have not had a baby yet, or own a house. You've had some significant health challenges to deal with and that has required all of your body, mind and spirit in order to cope and recuperate. I've seen a lot of my friends graduate from school, get married, buy a house, have kids, and do all of the other "normal" milestone events way before I did. I just learned to accept that these things would unfold in my life when it was meant to...and that's coming true. In some ways, it's actually good that they have happened or are happening when they did, because as a woman in my mid-30s, I am more mature and ready to handle these changes than I was when I was younger. I did experience some setbacks (divorce, had to sell my house, accrued debt) in the past few years but I wouldn't trade what I have now for anything.

I am sure that you will experience all of these things your friends are, in due time. Just trust that the process will unfold as it is meant to, and have faith and positivity in the essential goodness of your life. You have a wonderful husband and what sounds like a loving, solid relationship, which is a great foundation for everything else you need and will have in your life together. I'm sure once your health stabilizes, the rest will follow. You've been through a lot this past year and at this clam bake, you can now celebrate that you are there to eat, drink and socialize with friends because your health is improving enough to allow you those pleasures that so many just take for granted.

Lots of hugs :grouphug: I hope you have a great time!

[ICNDonna]

My husband and I have both had some health problems in the past few years. When we get together with friends we haven't seen in a long time and they are telling about their travels, vacations, etc. (when you're our age, the conversation switches!), we finally came up with a response. We just smile and say we've been working on our total body transplants, one piece at a time --- it never fails to get a smile and we can then go on with the conversations.

You've come such a long way and you have a lot to be proud of. Not many people could walk the paths you have taken and survive. You'll make it and you'll be proud that you did!

Gentle hugs,
Donna

[blackcat25]

Hi,
I just want to say I can sort of relate to how you are feeling, although my problems have been nothing like the magnitude of yours. I met up with some friends a few weeks ago who I hadn't seen since my health problems kicked off. They are good friends but there is always a kind of competive undertone to things, and I felt like I had kind of fallen off the ladder, whereas up to now all of our lives had run in parallel.You will probably find that most of them will just be glad to see you up and about and on the road to recovery. I found that the best strategy was the one that Donna suggested - find some sort of jokey way of explaining thing and direct the attention to them.It is particularly useful if you are like me and can cope fine until somebody is sympathetic and then just fall apart.
Don't be afraid to sneak off for a cry from time to time - I think I did it about three times, and managed to hide it. Just remember that to come through what you have and survive is one million times more of an achievement than most people manage!
Sending you hugs and strength:smile tee
Blackcat:cat:

[ICLori]

Kara, it's understandable that you are feeling as you do, but I feel like you've fought a war - just like a person who was fighting on D-day in Europe during WWII. This past year (or longer) you have been fighting a major war, trying to just stay alive and keep on top of your disease. I see you as a warrior, a soldier. You've fought the good fight all this year, and I hope so much that life will grant you a reprieve soon from the combat zone, so that you can experience the good things in life.

None of your friends have gone through as much as you have - therefore they haven't, in my mind, accomplished as much as you have. You have reason to feel proud of yourself for having survived!

I know that it's normal to feel down when you've gone through as much as you have, and faced losses, and had dreams not come true yet for you. I truly believe the future holds much happiness for you, though, and I hope that happiness comes soon for you.

I hope so much that the clam bake turns out to be fun for you.

Blessings,
Lori

[callie0767]

i too have felt that way too lately. i went to my 20 year high school class reunion last weekend and all everyone did is talk about their jobs and show pics of kids when i had nothing except ill health. the last year i has been terrible-i couldn't eat,sleep and was in constant pain and lost 28 pounds because i could not eat. now i hopefully have that taken care of with the endo surgery i had 3 weeks ago. it been a year of hell but i at least have some hope now of living a pain free life. i usually just try to get through it then cry later at home. it sucks. i wish i could have done that but i am 39 years old now because it always seems like one thing after another with the ic diagnosis of at nineteen years old. its certainly not what i had dreamed for my life at all but i just try to cope the best way i can but its hard. its reminders like that that make me sad. i also try to stay away from people that are not supportive but that is most of my family. no one else can understand but a fellow icer. i hope things get better for you too.

[Mel53H]

This may sound stupid, but do you really have to go to this clambake? You are still recovering from your surgery and all and are depressed that you have not yet had any children. So, why cause yourself anymore pain? I don't know how you husband feels about this, but I know that you are scared and I don't blame you.

Just my opinion....

Mel

[Kara29]

I wanted to thank you ALL for taking the time to respond to this post. Your support was great for me to have as I went to the Clambake on Saturday. I took a lot of what you said and applied it to the evening! We had a wonderful time and it wasn't as scary as I thought it was going to be. I will post some photos in my journal. If it wasn't for your support, I may not have gone and I would have missed out on a lot of fun and memories! A lot of memories were made that night that I will never forget. I am glad I went. Thank You!

Kara

[Mel53H]

I'm glad you had a good time.:smile tee

[ShePurzz]

Well another year comes around for us and I feel like I have accomplished not a darn thing in my life. No career, no house, no kids..... I just have to ask you to stop, just a moment, and write down the things you HAVE accomplished so that you will recognize YOUR true worth -- YOU have managed to live with IC and that is NO EASY TASK -- you have a huge group of men and women right here that will assure you that they consider it a huge thing to live with and LIVE LIFE FULLY with IC... so please, take time to write down and journal your successes.

I am serious when I say they ALL had babies in the last year. I fell way behind. I've always wanted a little girl and still do. I am scared that I am going to say hello to all of them and then cry in front of them. I just want to say hello, say how beautiful they all are and then go into the bathroom and have a moment...
DEAR KARA,
First, I am wishing I could just reach through the screen and give you a big hug right now. I am sure that you are feeling blue when you want a baby and aren't getting one, and that has to be tough -- then to face these other people would be scarey for anyone -- I do want to encourage you to do what Donna suggested -- think of what reply would help you to not feel pressured to answer tough questions when you are already feeling down. You CAN celebrate their babies and their lives, and you can tell them how beautiful they are -- AND YOU CAN CRY -- it is OKAY to let your FRIENDS see that you are having a hard time with something... Perhaps they are the ones that want to support you --- trust in your friendships and be and behave as you truly feel. I pray that you will be able to show your true joy for their happiness, and not lose your own self in the middle of doing so. It is okay to cry -- it may even be good!


I want to celebrate thier babies and thier lives but it also hurts so bad. I wanted to come here just to let my feelings fall where they are right now. I've tried so hard to get myself well to get back into the swing of life but I just can't do it. I feel like such a failure and I may even cry about that. Everyone will be talking about thier kids, jobs, and houses, and what do I say? I am scared. I want to say and do the right things but my heart is in a different place. I've been falling deeper and deeper into depression over all of this.

Kara, again, another hug for you -- I wish I could tell you all of the good things that you have accomplished in the past year, two, three -- but I don't know what they are -- YOU DO THOUGH and if you will remember to journal on your good days, as well as on your not so good days, you will have a reminder for when you are feeling so depressed.

Dumb question to ask now, but do you have a counselor that you can talk with about all of this? I don't know when the clam bake is, but it would be so good to have had a good talk and prepare some things ahead of time... You sound like you are already thinking really clearly i.e.
you are already assuming that there will be a lot of talk about the babies, etc...

**so, if they talk about babies, you will be prepared by .....? what will help you in that time?

**so, if they talk about their jobs, you will share what you have done while at home ... ex. been a tremendous friend and support to many people on the internet -- something you CAN do from your home... I often remind myself that even though I don't touch lives outside of my home -- I touch lives THROUGH my home internet --

**Think about this a moment Kara and don't underestimate the value you have on a group like this...** How many of those people have the time to sit in front of their computer reading what problems someone else is going through and then taking time to pray, support, write a note to, or call that other person??? Probably not one of them can or does do that -- what you do is very special -- you are used of God in a different way -- that's all.

How many of them are filled with compassion for another person -- perhaps someone they don't even know -- and are able to share from their heart and open up and be a long-distance friend for a long period of time -- YOU are that person -- YOU ARE DOING THAT!

Be kind to yourself Kara -- you are a very wonderful young lady who is doing a lot of good -- but you won't know that unless you take time to look at yourself through a different set of eyes than you are now -- you have on your 'I am not like So and So' glasses -- put on your 'I am not So and So, I am Kara and I have done THESE things...(list them!) to better the world I live in' glasses.

That all said, you still have a situation to face that holds some real possibility for pain and hurt feelings -- not everyone is going to know what you have gone through and someone may likely ask "Why don't you have a baby yet? or What do you do for a living?" Just do as Donna suggested, prepare an answer that fits and works for YOUR LIFE -- I am an online counselor/friend/comrade to lots of women with a disease that I also happen to have -- IC -- have you ever heard of it? Oh, you haven't, that is why you don't understand why I don't have a baby yet... or that is why you didn't understand why I work from home or whatever works for you... TAKE YOUR POWER dear Kara -- you have it in there -- it is just being pulled down right now because the depression is trying to get the best of you.... However --- DEPRESSION doesn't have YOU --- it is a condition -- and while it needs to be addressed and treatment needs to be sought for it -- it isn't a marker of WHAT YOU ARE, WHAT YOU HAVE/CAN accomplish, WHAT YOU WILL BECOME!!! It is merely another product of living in the real world with real diseases and problems that come our way. You ARE a beautiful woman and you are a strong woman -- you happens to have depression right now, and happens to have IC -- YOU have and will continue to do and accomplish many wonderful things in your life -- don't you ever forget that!!!

HUGE HUGS YOUR WAY and I do pray that you will not only attend, but attend with your head held high --- if you can make yourself remember that this clam bake is to renew old friendships, not a time to demean yourself or compare yourself to your friends --

I just had a thought that may also help you -- think of this situation in the reverse for a moment so you can hopefully put yourself in the party without as much concern.

If you were at a party with friends you hadn't seen for a year -- would you 'size them up' based on their accomplishments, how many children they have had or what they are doing with their life? Of course you wouldn't.

If you were there with a baby and someone else didn't have a child, would you ask them why they don't have a baby? Probably not, but it may come up -- wouldn't you want to know if there was another young woman there who was having a hard time -- wouldn't you want to be a support to her rather than think she saw you as a burden?

LOOK FOR THAT person at this clam bake -- the one who is compassionate and kind -- that would be the one most like yourself and you will find someone like that there --

God Bless you with wisdom and peace!

HUGS,
Mary

[Sunflower2]

Good to hear that you enjoyed your time with your friends.:smile tee