Very down

[redfearn]

I am in Cocoa, Florida visiting my Mother for about a week. My husband is the one who does not show any emotional support for me--I've lost my job and all of my friends due to this illness. My husband never trusts me with our 2 beautiful children (5 and 2)...before I left, we agreed that we needed a break/separation. During my visit here, my husband called me today and said he does not ever think our marriage will get better even with counseling so he wants a separation...he said he will get the children b/c he has had to be the one to take care of them for almost 3 years b/c I've been so sick. He's a cop and when I am around him, I feel so imtimidated as a wife, mother, exc...
BUT I know there are a lot of issues I need to work on also. I told him that I want to save our marriage, but he insists it will not work out. So, he pretty much said he's the one who is working, and who takes care of the children...He said NO judge would give the kids to me due to my health--my Mother has given us over 30,000 to pay bills. I feel like I should have some say so and I don't know what to do...He knows EVERY lawyer, judge and I don't think I would get a fair trial. I am so scared and I miss my babies so much that it hurts. However; when I first flew down to see my Mom, all of my physical symptoms improved...now I cannot eat again. What would yall do?

[ShePurzz]

......he said he will get the children b/c he has had to be the one to take care of them for almost 3 years b/c I've been so sick.
Red, he doesn't KNOW that for a fact -- he is trying to intimidate you by telling you ahead of time what he 'plans to do' and perhaps he hopes to reduce your confidence to the point that you won't fight for your kids.... breathe -- remember, you are their mother and illness isn't reason to keep your kids from you unless you will do bodily harm to them or if you are emotionally unstable enough to care for them... if those are not the case -- you keep your head held high and do not let anyone take away your power! You don't want to get into verbal disputes with him -- it will give him the ammunition he needs to beat you down... Just reply, we are both their parents and I have no intention of giving them up to you -- the Judge will decide, and I am willing to do what I have to in order to have my children grow up with me.


He's a cop and when I am around him, I feel so imtimidated as a wife, mother, exc...case closed on what I was saying above -- he KNOWS that he intimidates you -- take back your power -- COPS, Judges, Lawyers, etc... they have no more power than you do -- they just choose to exercise it more often... Just know your rights, plan to get a good lawyer from another town and with all the information, he/she will defend you to the best of his/her ability... TRUST and BREATE!!!


BUT I know there are a lot of issues I need to work on also. If that is the case, work on them -- not because you are pushed to do so, but becuase you want to be the best person YOU can be for YOU and your children.


So, he pretty much said he's the one who is working, and who takes care of the children...He said NO judge would give the kids to me due to my health
So, he thinks that he controls the judges now also? Again, plan to get a lawyer NOT related to your local police and district -- get someone who has been in cases that involve cases against a police officer.. TAKE a deep breath -- this is ONE STEP at a TIME -- not a 50 yard dash -- pace yourself and stay as healthy as you can along the path.

--my Mother has given us over 30,000 to pay bills. I feel like I should have some say so and I don't know what to do...You are grabbing at a straw here -- what your mother did for you was HER CHOICE to do -- it has nothing to do with where your children should/will live if you get divorced. Don't get sidetracked into 'poor me' or 'victim' mentality thinking -- it is a huge waste of your resources and energy. What was done monitarily has nothing to do with the best place for your children to live...


He knows EVERY lawyer, judge and I don't think I would get a fair trial. Again, this is a matter of getting yourself a lawyer that IS NOT in the local system -- he will not be forced to 'go along with protocol' to keep the peace in his own practice... ONE step at a time... and remember, your health is very important -- if you stress out, you will make yourself sicker -- focus on the things you can do today -- tomorrow will have enough worries for itself -- in the day, do what you can and always remember to keep that comment above in focus -- "there are some things you need to do to improve on yourself" make that your first priority so you will be the best you YOU can be!!! HUGS

I am so scared and I miss my babies so much that it hurts. I think I would be doing the same thing -- any mother would miss her children... just remember, they love you too!!!

However; when I first flew down to see my Mom, all of my physical symptoms improved...now I cannot eat again. What would yall do?If I were you, I think I would try to quiet my fears and ask myself what helped you to feel better when you came to see your mom, and what has changed that you feel bad again now --- then, set some goals on paper for how you can get yourself back into the 'mode' that you were in when you were improved. It isn't all CHOICE, if it were, most of us wouldn't have IC, but HOW we RESPOND to the IC is our choice.... just treat yourself kindly and try to get as healthy as you can so that if/when this comes to a head you will be physically, and emotionally healthy enough to go through it. I would also consider getting a really good counselor for yourself who you build a trusting relationship with -- talk to her about your fears and concerns and let her help guide you in how you talk to yourself -- those self talk messages can make or break us... BREATHE, RELAX, ONE STEP AT A TIME, TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART AND LEAN NOT UNTO YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING... IN ALL YOUR WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM AND HE (HE - not you, not me, not a judge, not a lawyer) WILL DIRECT YOUR PATHS....

God Bless you with peace, rest and an assurance that GOD is the greatest judge of all times -- HE can be the one on your side -- and HE LOVES YOU TOO!!!

HUGS,
Mary

[ICNDonna]

Please talk to an attorney as soon as possible. You need to know your legal rights --- including your right to support for both you and your children.

Warm encouraging hugs,
Donna

[ihurttoo]

First of all, I want you to know that you are NOT alone. You do have friends. You have us, and that is no small thing! You also, have family that loves you, and that is not something everyone can say. Some people dont even have that!

I see from the above that the others have already told you everything I was going to say. (Great job, ladies!) I just want to say that I agree with everything that they have said. I also want to let you know that I am here if you ever want to talk to someone. Just pm me and I will give you my number. I have unlimited long distance, so if your mother doesnt, I can call you back. I dont want you sitting there thinking that you are by yourself, because you are not. No one is an island.

The other suggestion I have is to seek out your IC sisters nearby. I know that BabsRN lives near you, as do several others. BabsRN is also going thru a separation with children, so I think she would be a very understanding, and supportive friend for you now. I encourage you to pm her and to post in your area to meet others and find the closest IC support group and attend the meetings.

I absolutely agree that your being sick doesnt mean that you havent been a good mother or that you havent been caring for your kids and arent capable of doing so. He sounds like he has quite the inflated opinion of himself, and I wouldnt be one bit surpised if the judges in your area didnt even know his face, let alone his name, no matter what he has told you! I know that my father in law is a judge, and he will very rarely EVER take a child away from a mother, and a stay at home Mom is an open and shut case, disabled or not!

As for your soon to be ex, I say good riddance to that man! He sounds extremely controlling, manipulative, selfish, and mean to even consider attempting taking the kids away from you! But please do not worry, just get yourself the best atty you can, and let him/her do the work for you.

I would like to say a prayer for you. I will continue to pray for you, but I want to pray for you now because I want you to know that I have done so.

Dear Holy Heavenly Father,

We come before you now to ask for your intervention on behalf of our sister. She is very weak right now, Lord, in body and spirit. You know the burdens she carries. We ask for your divine help on her behalf. We ask that you comfort her now and let her know that you are with her now and always. We ask that you help her to overcome the evil forces in her life. We ask that you let her children feel her love, and let her feel theirs. We ask that you weaken her husband, and to deflate his ego. We ask that you bend him to your will, and make him put aside his own selfish intentions. We ask that you lead our friend to an attorney who can help her and that you use the attorney as your instrument. We ask that you be with and watch over her children during these days and all days. We ask that you pour out blessings for our sister. We ask for you to help her get her children if it be your will and in their best interest. We ask for all of these things in the name of Jesus Christ, your holy son, Amen

I will continue to pray for you. If you need a friend, please pm me. You are not alone. Hugs, Amy

[Betsie]

OMG! I haven't even taken the time to read any responses to this, so forgive me if I repeat what has already been said.

Without knowing your entire situation, it seems as though your husband has found an extremely convenient excuse (ie; your illness) to "stall" or end your marriage.

Last I knew no spouse can just STEP in and assume he is the better parent!!! Unless there are extenuating circumstances here, which you haven't disclosed, it sounds as if you have a chronic illness rather than a case of parental neglect!

I don't care if he is a cop or a clam digger...he isn't entitled (as far as I know) to just remove you as a parent and decide what is best for your children! He sounds as if "control" is his mistress and mind games his trump card.:hmm:

IC can do a lot of crazy stuff when we feel lousy, but please don't allow your children to be ripped away from you w/o a decent fight. My advice is to RUN don't walk to an attorney ASAP!!! Trust me! While you sit there assuming you are the weakest link, he is mounting his case against you.:shake:

This is unconscionable and I daresay if you sit back, it only further substantiates his case! I know you feel like crud, but do whatever you can to rise above it and get the law on your side. Your kids deserve you!

Remember, he has no legal rights to assume parental control!!!!! Only a judge in family court can do that.

I wish you every ounce of luck, in health and in life matters, no matter how insurmountable they may feel right now.

[creatingkarma]

I don't know what else to add here, but I just wanted you to know that my heart goes out to you. Your husband is being very selfish & thinks he can control this whole situation. Stand up & fight for your rights & for your children! Please find a good lawyer asap - one who will fight right along with you for your best interest!

[redfearn]

Thanks to you all for your advice....surely was very useful and I will find a lawyer and understand my rights...In my opinion, he's the sick one b/c he has intimidated me so much that I LET him lower my self-esteem.:tsk: I was able to meet Babs RN today, while I am visiting my Mother in Cocoa, FL...She is wonderful and it felt great to have someone to talk to. I know she is going through a lot especially the same things with husbands...when we talked on the phone earlier today, she said "Are you sure you are not my twin?" We both have the same fears, so just being able to talk to her builds you up...I mean there's hardly anyone I know that has IC...and is going through a bitter separation. Thanks to everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!:angel:

[ihurttoo]

I am so glad that you met Barb and you guys hit it off!! I am so jealous!! I have been wanting to meet her forever! She is one of the ICers I talk to occasionally on the phone, and I totally ADORE her! She is my hero! She is such an inspiring person. I am glad that you were able to talk to her on the phone and meet her in person. I havent gotten to meet any ICers yet in person, but I look forward to the day I am able to do so.

Please lean on all of us during these tough times. We will be here for you whenever you need a friend. Hugs, Amy

[Trishann]

Redfearn, you got very good advice, hope things will work out for you. It sounds like you truly love your children, so don't give up.

Mary, have you ever thought about being a counselor. I think you would be very good at it.


Blessings, Trishann

[Silverfern]

You've got some fantastic advice here and there's nothing more for me to add.

It's interesting though that you felt better when you first arrived at your mom's. I'd put that down to the fact you'd left your husband behind and all the stresses that living with him entailed. It's probably the first time in ages you were able to be yourself and relax. That speaks volumes to me.

Be thinking of you in the days ahead.

Hugs

[Amanda 2006]

I really think stress is a big contributor to IC flares, so please try to take care of yourself as much as possible while going through this. Sounds like your a good mom and I truly hope things work out for you.

Take Care of yourself!!!:)