Need support! Life stinks...

[ibtracy]

:( Hey all. This divorce is killing me. We're sharing custody of our daughter but it seems that she's always wanting to be with her Daddy :( . Last weekend was her visit with me and she cried til her Daddy took her home cause she didn't want to stay with me. Broke my heart. We don't have set visitation, we're just doing whatever she's most comfortable with. I'm sure once things calm down some and things fall back into a normal way of being it will all be okay but I don't know if I can hang on to that point. I'm so depressed. I can't sleep, eating doesn't appeal to me and somedays I have no desire to even get out of bed. Life is really hard right now. I'm so broke, can't pay my bills and trying to figure out how to keep food on the table. It's down to selling my car and using that money to get myself out of the hole and there's a few various items out of the house I can sell.

Not looking for a pity party, just hoping someone can encourage me to keep kicking and somehow help me see that tomorrow is a new day. It's so hard right now. I miss my husband but can't tell anyone that...12 years is a long time.:confused:

Tracy

[Dixiefireball]

Tracy,
Hon i sent you an email with some information. their is so much help out their for single mothers. You can get housing, get your power bill paid, water bill, phone bill paid. their is ways of keeping your ins. or getting state ins. for you and your daughter.
Their is more help out here for divorce or single women with children then they are for married couples, and its less of a hassle to get.
Tomorrow is a new day hon, and with each passing day things will get better.
I'm here for you, We all are here for you!!
I've tried to reach you threw yahoo, your email, and even called you.
I've gotten all your messages you sent me and answered you back.
I'm glad to see you posting at least this way I know o-Kay. I'm so worried about you!!

I agree once things settle back down I believe your youngest daughter will be able to cope better. At this point you don't know what has been driven into her little head. You all need time to heal. It will take a bit of time, but she loves her mommy very much and things will get better hon. you just have to believe! she loves you and still needs you very much!
sending you hugs and prayers
xoxo
Rhonda

[Katrina]

It is perfectly normal to moarn the loss of a 12 year marriage. No one thinks you should do any different. It is part of the hard process :grouphug: I am sure your daughters adjustment process is hard too :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: It will work out ok, I know it is a long hard process....and it probably will continue to be hard for a while but things will get better eventually. You and your daughter have my prayers!!!:pray::pray:

[Briza]

:grouphug:

I'm sorry for what you are going thru. It must be really difficult. :grouphug: I hope things start looking up for you and that you are able to heal.

Here's something I read over and over when I was going thru a rough time in my life. It helped me to heal. I hope it helps you, too. It's from "A Course in Miracles"...
There is a silence into which the world cannot intrude. There is an ancient peace you carry in your heart and have not lost.
:flower:

[Babs RN]

Um Tracy, I don't know what to say except, girlfriend this is happening to me right now. I have been with Chris for 14 years and to have him say he's done hurt sooooo bad. For extra fun read some of his other recent comments, I won't bore you with repeating them. I am taking it day by day and I am on Yahoo IM now so if you want a friend who is dealing with this and trying to make do too, let me know. I will be there for you.


Hug and love sweetie,
Barb:grouphug: :kiss:

[Sarojini]

:grouphug:

I'm sorry to hear you are having a hard time... I know that this divorce, in the end, is probably the best for you and Jon, but it's going to, well, SUCK in the meantime :( All I can do is say that I hope the "meantime" is as short as possible! I'm sure finances are tight now too.. ugh, what a mess. I know you'll find a way to make it though, and I hope that things settle down for your family quickly.

[ICNDonna]

Divorce is never easy. Try to think of it as a surgery --- eliminating a huge stressor from your life --- it's painful, but after a while you will heal and the pain will be gone so you can get on with your life.

Sending gentle hugs,
Donna

[poetgirl]

Divorce is difficult and painful, even under the most amicable of circumstances. Even though I knew my ex-husband and I could not make our marriage work, I still missed him and the good aspects of our life together (or at the very least, some of the conveniences of it) for quite a while. Katrina is right that it's a mourning process that people go through. There are many resources you can take advantage of to help you get through your financial difficulties -- don't be shy or ashamed to investigate them. There are a number of agencies or non-profit organizations (I am on the board of one that operates in metro Atlanta) that provide emergency financial and food assistance for people who are in need and qualify. No one judges you for your situation; all they care about is making sure you and your family are provided for during this transition time in your life.

It's hard to know why your daughter is expressing a preference for being with her daddy right now. Hopefully it's not because he is manipulating her feelings and saying negative things about you. If you suspect that may be the case, you will have to sit down with Jon and establish some ground rules about how the two of you deal with each other and how you refer to each other in her presence. My boyfriend and I are very careful never to say anything negative about his son's mother (if we are having issues or conflicts, which happens less over time) in his son's presence or within earshot. We have had some problems in the past with her saying things about us (especially me) to her son, which caused him a lot of confusion and anxiety because he loves us both, but since our overall relationship has improved, these sorts of things are rarely an issue.

In the meantime, when you are with your daughter, just be very positive and loving. She may also sense the anxiety you are going through and is internalizing it, so try to make your times together as relaxed as possible. I think it's just an adjustment she has to go through right now.

Things will get better, trust me. I've been there and yes, it's hard at times, but my life continues to get better as times goes on and I know yours will too. I'll keep you in my prayers. :grouphug:

[creatingkarma]

(((((Tracy))))) I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time right now. I know that divorce is hard, but when it's all said & done, your life will be better! It takes time to heal those wounds. It doesn't happen overnight, but I pray that each & every day you will feel a little better. I hope that you are eating at least something to keep your body & mind strong. I'm also sorry to hear about the way your daughter is taking all of this. Maybe she's acting this way because he is no longer in the home. You never know what goes through little one's minds, but I think that maybe she thinks he's gone & never coming back. Maybe that's why she's acting so attached to him right now. Once she realizes that yes, he doesn't live here anymore, but he always comes back to see me, then maybe she'll start acting different towards you. I'm sure that it's pretty scary for her to see her mom so depressed also. Maybe she's just worried about you? Divorce is usually harder on the kids than it is on the parents. They're too young to understand. Hug her & kiss her & tell her that you love her & that everything is going to be ok! I think the more that you say that to your daughter, the more that you will start believing it yourself. It will be ok! You will make it & you will be happier in the end! :kiss:

[ICLori]

Tracy, (((HUGS))) I am sorry you are going through such a horrible time right now. I hope so much that you can get those resources that Dixiefireball so kindly mentioned, and that things get much better for you financially.

I know that it must be heartbreaking to see your daughter choosing her Daddy right now over you, but please believe me, it won't always be this way. I was a child of divorce and I can tell you right in the middle of a divorce, a child fears that he or she is losing the daddy. I always knew my Mom would be around - she always had been, she was the primary caretaker - but I had a big fear I would lose my father forever. So I became clingy that way. Does that make any sense? I promise you your daughter still loves you and always will, she's just feeling normal fears right now and that's how she is expressing them. This stage won't last forever.

I've been through a divorce, too, and I can tell you that the first few months are the very worst - especially the first two months if my memory serves me right. Then about six months down the road, you finally realize you are having more good days than bad, and the terror and depression aren't quite as bad as they once were. Then about one year out, you feel as if you really have survived and it was all for the best and you hardly ever hurt anymore.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I hope so much the bad parts will pass quickly and the good parts of life will be there for you.

Blessings,
Lori

[Cali girl]

:grouphug: :kiss: :pray:

[SandyRN]

Tracy,

I just wanted to let you know that I've seen you go through years of h*ll and you should be very proud of yourself right now. Things are hard, but you ARE getting through it. It's not easy to go through a divorce, not at all, but I can assure you that you will see that you are a strong lady. Kids are funny little creatures....they are fickle, and I'm wondering if you husband has been saying things to your daughter to turn her against you. I wouldnt put it past him the way he's treated you in the past.

Things will work out, you'll get a routine, and before you know it you'll see that you feel SO much better about yourself because you're not being beaten down, and insulted by your ex anymore. He cant hurt you anymore unless you let him. Dont let him! The best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is prove to him that you CAN do it.

It's awful, its hard, and I've been there. I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time, but keep thinking that it will pass and there is a whole new life waiting on you out there!

You can do this!!

Hugs, Sandy

[ibtracy]

:kiss: :grouphug: I had no idea I would get this much support. I'm trying so hard, just seems like it's not enough but I'm still kicking. Each day is a new day with a fresh start, I just have to keep telling myself that. I thank each one of you for your advice, support and spin on things. I know deep down that I can do this, I've made it through another divorce and I was alot younger and not near as wise as now so this should be a piece of cake eventually.

I'm trying and will have to swallow some pride and see if these agencies will help me. I'm so afraid of rejection that's what keeps me from asking for help. I've never had to depend on anyone or anything else before.

Love you all, I hoped I would get some support and friendship from all of you. Thanks for the resource ideas, Dixiefireball. I appreciate all you help. I wasn't avoiding your calls, been busy alot lately and not even home or inside the house. Don't give up on me, okay?:confused:

Tracy K. :flower:

[ibtracy]

I'm back on meds to regulate my mood, depression and anxiety so I'm not a threat to myself or anyone else, so you all don't worry anymore about me doing anything stupid. I have too many people that love me and don't want to risk hurting my girls, family and friends that I love so dearly. My head's screwed on straight now, it's just a few days there I went to the bottom of my barrel and just couldn't see out any more. I'm sure more of those days will come along but hopefully I can help myself through them or with the help of all you guys as well. I'm sorry I was so down, alls I did was cry, cry, cry and sleep. It's getting better day by day.

Keep the support coming, it's so nice to know that I have friends and my ICN family to love me and support me through this difficult time.

My new motto: I take things just a few minutes at a time cause one day at a time is too much for me to handle at once.

Love you all....
Tracy K.

[patricia1]

Tracy first off I want you to know how very proud I am of you right now. You are and have always been an amazing person. Whether or not you think that right now.

Divorce is hard. It effects everyone around you. My son was just turning 4 when his daddy and I split up. And in the beg. it was very hard on him. But over time our releationship is now better than when we were married. I have always worried that when my baby got older he would want to go live with his dad, my daughter I have never worried with her, she hardly sees hers. We have a custody agreement set up, but most of the time we dont follow it. During the summer he is to go 2 wks every month, but I let him go when he wants then he comes home when he wants. Irrates my Mom to no end, but I feel that if he feels he can go and come home when he wants than maybe he will feel more satisfied with his relationship with both of us. Now of course during school he goes every other weekend, but during summer and breaks I am pretty much what ever he wants. But it took us a long time to get to that point. I meet my hubby about 3 wks after I kicked out ex. I meet him on the Internet, of all places, so my ex thought I was cheating. Which I never did. But because of that there was alot of crap for a while. And it is hard money wise when you split up. Especially if you were a stay at home mom. But believe me you will be so proud of yourself in the long run. Finding out just how much you can do on your own.

And of course you have every right to mourn this marriage. Being with someone for 12 yrs is a long time. And I am sure there where many happy times during it, but you can find happiness again. Just rediscovering the Tracy that was before you married.....We all believe in you and over time your daughter and you will bond again. I am sure that she feels that she might lose her dad forever, but once she realizes that he will still be in her life, just like you, the crying when she is with you will cease. She is in a hard spot right now and I am sure she feels pulled in many different direction. Alll you can do is show her your love.

[Betsie]

I really hope that despite the anguish you feel right now, that the end justifies the means. There WILL be a time when you can look back and understand why you needed to go through all of this in order to heal your heart. I dare say it might be like the 5 stages of grief, just with more hassle and anger thrown in!

As far as you soon to be ex, I think we all understand that you just don't shut off what was once there. I hope you keep putting one foot in front of the other, and everyday you take time to say to yourself..."good job".

Lori made some excellent points and though I was all grown when my parents FINALLY divorced, I can relate in so many ways. I truly wish they had done it years before they did, as we were ALL so miserable.

Try to keep the "prize" (your self esteem/rest of life/dignity) in mind! The better you can cope in any regard, even if it is an act, will serve you well. No need to give a controlling person so much latitude over your actions since the seperation.

Hold your head high even if it hurts and find your "let downs" quietly if at all possible. Do not give this man any other reason(s) to tear you down.

You will come out on the other side, though I understand it is so difficult to believe that. Trust yourself and your strength and think of each day as a step towards a better life! The financial hassles can be fixed eventually...but giving up your soul is too costly. Hang in there!

[kuntrygurl78]

Thought maybe I might be able to give a different persepective on this. I am a child of divorce. My parents separated on July 4, 1993. I was 15. My parents were young when they married, and over the years, I think they realized that they didnt have anything in common and really didnt like each other. But I think they tired hard to stay together for my brother, sister, and I. I remember them fighting so much. I remember thinking all those times, as I was crying in my room, that I wished they would get a divorce so all the fighting would stop. Then the day came, and I was in shock!

My brother, sister, and I all gravitated in different directions. My sister moved in with my mom. My brother became closer to my dad. I got a job that winter, and my boss became my mom/best friend. And she still is to this day. I think when someone is hurting they gravitate to one person. And they dont always think about it, and how it might affect others in their life. Be happy that your daughter has her father. It doesnt mean that she doesnt love you. It just means that her emotions might click better with her dad. And she may not even know it.

My dad and I ended up going thru our own divorce my senior year. My mom and my grandparents did all that they could to keep a relationship between my dad and I. After a while, it was too much for me. I ended up leaving one night after a big fight. I went to my grandpa and he gave me the key to the truck so that I could move out. He saved my life. I moved in with my mom and, even tho it was rough, I made it. I havent spoken to my dad since the day I graduated high schook, and Im a better person for it. Hes not a good person. What I remember most about all of that, is that my mom and my grandparents never put my dad down. They were never negative toward him. They let me make up my own mind. My brother and sister are still close to my dad, and I respect that. They also respect how I feel.

Be the good person that you are. Your daughter will see that. Be positive and stay strong. Today may be hard, but I always remembered that God would never give me more than I can handle. I will think of you and your daughter and I wish you well on your journey.

[Dixiefireball]

Tracy hon I at one time had to turn to other for help. at one time I didn't know this help was out their because I didn't grow up in a family that had to ever ask for help, but once I got married I learn everything wasn't peaches and berries so to speak. Its not shameful to ask for help. You can always call these people and ask if they have funds without giving them any information over the phone not even your name. (DO NOT GIVE INFORMATION OVER THE PHONE EVEN IF YOU CALL THESE PEOPLE NEVER!)
if they have funds ask if you need to make an appt. IF they say yes then give them your name, but other information DON'T! Tell them you will bring that with you when you come in. If you don't need to have an appt you get down their bright and early to be sure they help you!
Its more shameful not to ask then it is to ask. You don't want to have to go without power, water, phone, food, a home. (i know some of these issues are not yours just making examples.)
its better for them to help you then to go borrow more money that will make it harder on you to pay back and get up own your own to feet again. Your girls need you! It will be tuff, but your a tuff woman and can do this.
know one else needs to know that you are asking for help. Most likely you want even know the person who is helping you are ever see them again. so know need to be embarrassed.

we love you.
Rhonda

[ihurttoo]

((((Tracy))) I am so sorry you are having such a rough time. I know it is hard. I agree with the others. My parents were married for 37 years. They fought the WHOLE time! My father is a minister, and divorce was out of the question for religeous reasons. I prayed that they would, from the first prayers I remember as I child, that was what I prayed for. They were miserable and my brothers and I were miserable seeing it. My mother is bi-polar too, and that didnt help matters either. Finally they divorced when I was 30. (Mom cheated on him, during a bi-polar, manic, promiscious time.) Dad would have still stayed married, but she divorced him. They were so miserable together, I wish they did it when I was young so I wouldnt have had to see them argue all the time. I totally agree that this is best for the kids.

Rhonda is also right about it not being shameful to ask for help. She is right. It is much worse NOT to ask for help when you need it! Who do you think it is there for??!!! It is there for people like you! As a taxpayer, it is not people like you that people begrudge seekiing or getting help! It is those people that are healthy, but lazy and just wont work, and their long term finacial planning includes having more kids to draw a bigger check. That is NOT you!! You are a disabled single mother, who works whenever you are physically able to do so. You are doing the best you can for you and your kids, and leaving an abusive marriage. (At the very least verbally abusive!!!) People WANT to help you! Churches will also help you. There are lots that have food banks. Call around and find out where they are, and go get some help! Like Rhonda said, you dont know them, they dont know you, and you wont be seeing them again! So go!!!

There is so much help out there for single moms w/ kids. You need to go to Life-skills or somewhere and find a social worker to help guide you thru the programs that are available that can help you.

I will keep you and your kids in my prayers. I really feel for you. I cant imagine going thru the emotional, physical, and fiancial stresses you are going thru all at the same time! You are indeed a strong woman, and you are going to come out on top! Hugs, Amy