Sarojini
06-14-2006, 09:43 AM
Sorry I haven't been on much lately; a lot has been going on. I apologize in advance if this is long, too, but I am completely exhausted right now; not only have I had several 12 hour days at work but I am in one of my IC/fibromyalgia flare times and I'm moody and tired because my period is due tomorrow -- so everything is about to fly out of my cyber-mouth right now and I have almost no control over it.
I'm feeling pretty depressed at the moment. I guess a few things triggered it -- fatigue is one, but there are others. First, my husband has only three vacation days accrued this year since he just started this job in January. All along, we had been talking about using a few of those days to go somewhere, just the two of us, for our 3rd anniversary (July 12)... we have NEVER had a trip alone, believe it or not!! Literally all of our trips have been to visit family, and even our honeymoon had family at it since we had a destination wedding in Jamaica. Because of that, family was around since some were staying at the hotel we got married at -- my parents were GREAT about the whole thing and stayed away from us unless we specifically said we wanted to hang out, but my father-in-law and his wife, dense as all heck (some of you have heard other stories about them that aren't so nice) pestered us daily. They even came up to us on the day after our wedding, when we were supposed to be having a romantic dinner set up by the hotel out on the beach and wouldn't leave!!!
But I digress... anyway, I had been under the impression that Hubby was going to use part or all of his vacation days for us to FINALLY go somewhere alone since we'd discussed it so much. Recently, though, I found out that he is using ALL THREE DAYSto fly out to Idaho for his grandmother's 90th birthday party instead. :(
I'm really bummed about this -- yet AGAIN he dumps me for some family thing, and right near our anniversary as well. I understand that a grandmother's 90th b-day is a milestone, but I saw neither of my own grandmothers on their 90th's, and in fact, I missed one grandmother's funeral (which I still carry guilt around about). I'm extra mad that he led me on by discussing places we could go together and then turned around and did this.
I understand the importance of family, believe me, I do... but I think he goes overboard with all of his family stuff. Either we're visiting them or they're traipsing through our house like it's a Motel 6 (in April, we had first jerky FIL, then my sister-in-law and niece, who just happened to bring other people without telling us first, and finally, my mother in law and her husband -- we had NOT a single weekend alone that month).
Perhaps I naively believed that when you married, you began a new family as well, and that person should be just as special to you. I look at my parents' marriage and see something really special; they've been together over 40 years and while they had tough times sometimes, they still love each other and put each other FIRST. I thought that would happen, again naively, when I married John. I watch my parents unfailingly spend a week alone on Cape Cod every summer for their anniversary and even if they fought, they always made up and went for their "week." I thought I would end up with something romantic like that too and I feel disappointed. I see John repeatedly put himself and his family before me, and I feel hurt.
I am also upset over work. While things are going better, they still aren't great. I'm busting my butt and it seems like very little is coming of it. I am about to start a new project, however, and I am clinging to the hope that we get great data from it -- it is something I have wanted to do scientifically for years but didn't have the resources, and I now I do, so that is one light in all of this.
Last week my boss was interviewing a new candidate for the program I am in, and I had to go out to dinner with four professors and the guy. Dinner was at 7, and I was exhausted by that point, and sooooooo did not feel like sitting there with a plastered on smile pretending everthing is hunky-dory (well, like all things, there's a lot of good stuff here, but I was having a down day and was having trouble seeing it). Anyway, dinner went remarkably well -- until my boss brought up this other guy in the program that most of us postdocs and grad students think is an idiot(he's an arrogant MD trying to figure out how to do lab work for the first time in his life and he has broken equipment, etc, and treats women like dirt). The guy wasn't there because he was taking some board exams that weekend.
Well, the professors went about what a genius this guy is, and how when he gets out of here he will be able to name his price, and how he is producing such great research!! Ugggghhhhhhh.... it bothered me because the guy is a schmoozer and largely a fake person who is mean to people at times, and I didn't think he deserved the praise. And secretly, it bothered me because I miss people saying that about me. When I was in grad school, I had a stellar reputation and had such a great experience -- and then made the mistake of taking a terrible postdoctoral position (the one before this one) and fell off the map for a while. It kind of bruised my ego, thinking that once that could've been me, but I made a bad choice, then got sick, etc...and now I'm lower on the totem pole than this idiot. *SIGH*
To top it all off, they were all drinking red wine and made me take a sip, so I took just one tiny half sip... and flared all day Saturday just from about 4 drops of the wine.
I need to find a therapist... I swear I'm going crazy. I can't vent about this at home, because my husband said that when I complain, he gets stressed out and it's essentially my fault he had his heart episode a while ago. I can't vent to my parents about the work thing, because they don't take me seriously (but at least I could vent there about John's choice of Idaho over me for our anniversary, thank God). I don't have any really close friends here since I'm at work all the time, and the other women in the lab are just catty and gossipy, and I hate that. Even my PSYCHIATRIST doesn't want to hear it... last time he rushed me out of his office saying I "really ought to keep a journal." So the only "person" that's going to listen to my hurt is a piece of paper??? :cussing:
That can't be true, can it? :(
These days, I would probably bet it was.... and this is AFTER they upped my mood stabilizers.
:bonk: :mad: :( :shake:
I'm feeling pretty depressed at the moment. I guess a few things triggered it -- fatigue is one, but there are others. First, my husband has only three vacation days accrued this year since he just started this job in January. All along, we had been talking about using a few of those days to go somewhere, just the two of us, for our 3rd anniversary (July 12)... we have NEVER had a trip alone, believe it or not!! Literally all of our trips have been to visit family, and even our honeymoon had family at it since we had a destination wedding in Jamaica. Because of that, family was around since some were staying at the hotel we got married at -- my parents were GREAT about the whole thing and stayed away from us unless we specifically said we wanted to hang out, but my father-in-law and his wife, dense as all heck (some of you have heard other stories about them that aren't so nice) pestered us daily. They even came up to us on the day after our wedding, when we were supposed to be having a romantic dinner set up by the hotel out on the beach and wouldn't leave!!!
But I digress... anyway, I had been under the impression that Hubby was going to use part or all of his vacation days for us to FINALLY go somewhere alone since we'd discussed it so much. Recently, though, I found out that he is using ALL THREE DAYSto fly out to Idaho for his grandmother's 90th birthday party instead. :(
I'm really bummed about this -- yet AGAIN he dumps me for some family thing, and right near our anniversary as well. I understand that a grandmother's 90th b-day is a milestone, but I saw neither of my own grandmothers on their 90th's, and in fact, I missed one grandmother's funeral (which I still carry guilt around about). I'm extra mad that he led me on by discussing places we could go together and then turned around and did this.
I understand the importance of family, believe me, I do... but I think he goes overboard with all of his family stuff. Either we're visiting them or they're traipsing through our house like it's a Motel 6 (in April, we had first jerky FIL, then my sister-in-law and niece, who just happened to bring other people without telling us first, and finally, my mother in law and her husband -- we had NOT a single weekend alone that month).
Perhaps I naively believed that when you married, you began a new family as well, and that person should be just as special to you. I look at my parents' marriage and see something really special; they've been together over 40 years and while they had tough times sometimes, they still love each other and put each other FIRST. I thought that would happen, again naively, when I married John. I watch my parents unfailingly spend a week alone on Cape Cod every summer for their anniversary and even if they fought, they always made up and went for their "week." I thought I would end up with something romantic like that too and I feel disappointed. I see John repeatedly put himself and his family before me, and I feel hurt.
I am also upset over work. While things are going better, they still aren't great. I'm busting my butt and it seems like very little is coming of it. I am about to start a new project, however, and I am clinging to the hope that we get great data from it -- it is something I have wanted to do scientifically for years but didn't have the resources, and I now I do, so that is one light in all of this.
Last week my boss was interviewing a new candidate for the program I am in, and I had to go out to dinner with four professors and the guy. Dinner was at 7, and I was exhausted by that point, and sooooooo did not feel like sitting there with a plastered on smile pretending everthing is hunky-dory (well, like all things, there's a lot of good stuff here, but I was having a down day and was having trouble seeing it). Anyway, dinner went remarkably well -- until my boss brought up this other guy in the program that most of us postdocs and grad students think is an idiot(he's an arrogant MD trying to figure out how to do lab work for the first time in his life and he has broken equipment, etc, and treats women like dirt). The guy wasn't there because he was taking some board exams that weekend.
Well, the professors went about what a genius this guy is, and how when he gets out of here he will be able to name his price, and how he is producing such great research!! Ugggghhhhhhh.... it bothered me because the guy is a schmoozer and largely a fake person who is mean to people at times, and I didn't think he deserved the praise. And secretly, it bothered me because I miss people saying that about me. When I was in grad school, I had a stellar reputation and had such a great experience -- and then made the mistake of taking a terrible postdoctoral position (the one before this one) and fell off the map for a while. It kind of bruised my ego, thinking that once that could've been me, but I made a bad choice, then got sick, etc...and now I'm lower on the totem pole than this idiot. *SIGH*
To top it all off, they were all drinking red wine and made me take a sip, so I took just one tiny half sip... and flared all day Saturday just from about 4 drops of the wine.
I need to find a therapist... I swear I'm going crazy. I can't vent about this at home, because my husband said that when I complain, he gets stressed out and it's essentially my fault he had his heart episode a while ago. I can't vent to my parents about the work thing, because they don't take me seriously (but at least I could vent there about John's choice of Idaho over me for our anniversary, thank God). I don't have any really close friends here since I'm at work all the time, and the other women in the lab are just catty and gossipy, and I hate that. Even my PSYCHIATRIST doesn't want to hear it... last time he rushed me out of his office saying I "really ought to keep a journal." So the only "person" that's going to listen to my hurt is a piece of paper??? :cussing:
That can't be true, can it? :(
These days, I would probably bet it was.... and this is AFTER they upped my mood stabilizers.
:bonk: :mad: :( :shake: