My life is falling apart

[blackcat25]

Hi everyone,
I just need to talk to somebody about this and I feel bad burdening my friends and family any more. My life has just collapsed in the last six months. My bladder has completely stopped working to the point where I cannot urinate at all without a catheter. Then on top of this, I get major urethral spasms which means that the catheters get stuck, which is incredibly painful. As things get more sore my urethra then closes up further so that I can't get a catheter in. My uro says that unless I have the interstim put in, all he can do is try to control the spasms as they happen, and if the catheterization problems get worse I will have to have a suprapubic catheter.
On top of all this, while all of this has been going on i have been made redundant from my job. In some ways this is a good thing because I was working ridiculously long hours, (6 days a week plus usually a couple of evenings) but I just feel like a complete failure. I'm sure the redundancy wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been ill. I feel like a fool, because I really was pushing myself to manage in this job, and I know that there were many days when I struggled in when I really wasn't well enough, and that is partly what let things get this bad.
I can't believe all this has happened in such a short space of time. If anyone had told me a year ago that this could happen, I would have just laughed at them. I've been to embarrased to tell a lot of my friends what has happened, because I feel so useless, and it has got to the stage whrere I dread going out or answering the phone in case I see people.
I spoke to my GP and he wants me to start taking anti depressants, but I really don't want to because that would just confirm my belief that I can't cope, and besides that, my husband and I are hoping to start a family soon, and I worry that going through a pregnancy will be tricky enough essentially without a bladder, without adding drugs into the equation as well.I have had counselling in the past, which helped a bit, but since I stopped in April things seem to have gone downhill. I'm not sure if medication would help as I don't think this is a chemical problem, I think I've just got myself into this situation and now I've just got to deal with it.
So I'm trying to stay away from my GP to avoid anti depressants and stay away from my uro to avoid the suprapubic catheter.
Sorry for ranting like this - I don't expect anyone to have any answers, because I don't think there are any, but I just needed to get this out.I know I'm being negative and self pitying and i hate myself even more for being like this, but I just feel so lonely. I guess I'd just like to hear that there is life beyond this and that people have come through this and survived.

Hugs to everyone,
Blackcat

[traceann]

Hey Blackcat, this is what we're here for, to listen even if we don't have answers!!! ;)

I think (just my opinion) that you should give the antidepressents a shot - and when you are ready to start trying to conceive you can be weaned off if necessary. But, in the mean time they might help you out and help you be better able to deal with what's been handed to you by reducing some of the stress that's coming along with all that's occurred. And that kind of stress can also inhibit conceiving, so best to get it under control now, so you can have a clear shot!! ;) Anyone would have a hard time dealing with what you have been handed!! That's a lot to have happen in such a short span of time! I wouldn't look on you as a failure in the ability to cope and deal with it if you took the antidepressents, in no way shape or form! And like I said, it could be just a temporary thing to get you through the difficulties in the mean time...

I know it helped my mom the first time I was married (me moving out, etc) - she did a 3 month stint on antidepressants and therapy. It helped her out so much - even for just that short span of time.

Oh, and you are allowed Pity Parties too every now and then, it's ony human, and frankly with what you have been through, I might worry a bit if you weren't a bit negative!! ;)

Sending lots of hugs your way!!

[ICNDonna]

First of all, antidepressants are not only for depression! My husband takes a small dose for arthritis pain and it is very effective for him. Actually, you may need to rethink your choices about medications. There are several out there that could help get rid of your retention problem --- some I think of are cardura, hytrin, and flomax --- and I know there are others. I would never consider something as invasive as interstim without first at least giving medications a try.

I hope you feel better soon.

Warm hugs,
Donna

[blackcat25]

Hi everyone,
Thanks so much for the responses - I'm starting to feel a bit more positive about things now. In terms of medications, I am already taking alfuzosin, which is an alpha blocker similar to flomax and cardura. It works to a degree but I have been told that the nerves in my bladder are now damaged to the extent that it will not contract at all. The upside of this is that I don't get bladder pain any more but the downside is that I cannot urinate and have no sensation of bladder filling, which leaves me prone to kidney problems. The urethral spasms are what really causes the problem.
My uro was reluctant to give me antispasmodics as it will decrease the bladder tone that I have left. When I have major spasms he just prescribes valium and painkillers, but obviously this is not a long term solution. Generally when this happens he leaves a foley catheter in for a few days and it quietens down - until next time.
In terms of antidepressants, my doctor suggested them when I was told that the nerve damage was permanent. I mentioned that I was worried because I was ending up in hospital unable to catheterize on a regular basis, and that the spasms just came out of nowhere. He then suggested anti anxiety drugs as well - are they the same thing or does he mean permanent valium? And surely most people would be anxious in this situation - I would have thought that this is normal,rather than being a medical condition in itself.
I don't mean to be negative about anti depressants, its just that i've been depressed before and this feels different. Then, it was just like a black fog hanging over me and affecting everything, but now I have times when i feel ok, and think I am coping, but then everything just crashes down. But I don't have the grey fuzzy sensation that I had before. ( I'm sorry I'm waffling here but maybe some of this makes sense:loco:)
I'm reserving judgement on the interstim. i think I'l wait a while and see if some of the problems can be ironed out first. From what i can gather it is great when it works but horrendous when it doesn't, and I'm not ready to take that chance yet.
Once again thanks for your help guys - you are a really special bunch of people, especially when you've all been through such a lot yourselves.:angel:
Hugs,
Blackcat:cat:

[poetgirl]

Lots of hugs and prayers :grouphug:

In addition to possibly trying anti-depressants, I would also suggest going for some kind of cognitive therapy that will provide you with the tools for coping with all of these changes in your life. Anti-depressants are very helpful for many people, but at the root of things is the helplessness and anxiety we feel when our bodies don't work properly. Anti-depressants can help lift the worst of those immediate feelings, but learning good coping skills will help you even if you do have to stop taking anti-depressant medications (for pregnancy, etc.) Hope you feel better soon!

[emilyrose197377]

Donna, on the commercial for flomax it says only men can take it for an enlarged prostate I would ask your dr. about it just to make sure it can help you.

[blackcat25]

Thanks again for all the replies - it's good to have someone listen. EmilyRose - Alpha blockers like flomax and others are mainly intended for prostate problems, but they relax the muscles of the bladder neck in women as well. I notice you had retention difficulties as well - what were yours caused by? I'm glad the interstim worked for you - that gives me some hope. The only other medication which has been suggested for my urethral spasms is Baclofen, which is a drug usually used for multiple sclerosis, but that is really nasty. Also, I still won't be able to urinate as it won't make my bladder start working again. :toilet:
I will look into the cognitive therapy. I know it is available in the UK but there is a long waiting list.
Thanks again guys,
Blackcat:cat:

[tkdrew]

blackcat,
My prayers are with you. You CAN do this. After my son was born premature, I would not leave the house with just me and him. He had an Apnea monitor. It was horrible. About a year and half ago, I started Lexapro. It improved my (and his) life. I can go places now, like the park, Wal-Mart without hardly thinking twice. I was like you, I thought needing that would be admitting I can't handle things. But a doctor told me, "If you had high blood pressure you'd take the medicine, right?" Its not exactly the same but, they are both things in our body we can't control. The anti-depressant has made a huge difference in my life. I'm also on Ativan for anxiety. BUT, I take the Ativan rarely. Its just there if I really need it. You won't have to be put on Valium permanently. Use it when needed. But look into the anti-depressants. You deserve to learn about all your options, because you (everybody) deserves to have the best QUALITY of life possible. It may not be right for you, but really talk to your doctor about your fears, getting pregnant while on it, etc. You'll know then what you need to do. Good luck and I'm here if you need me. :pray:
Kristi

[Babs RN]

Blackcat,
I took Baclofen for spasms and it worked pretty well with minimal side effects.

Good luck, and let me know if I can help.

Hugs,
Barb:smile tee

[July]

Many antidepressants such as Prozac are used to treat both anxiety and depression. Antidepressants treat a variety broad array of conditions.

You sound a lot like me. I just started taking Prozac two days ago to treat anxiety. For a long, long time I did not want to take an antidepressant because I did not want to add another medication to my body, and thought I could just decide to stop being so anxious and depressed. However, my anxiety got to a level where it was a daily occurrence and I feared that the anxiety was really making my IC, VV, and IBS worse. So, I'm giving the Prozac a try and also see a counselor to talk it out and learn ways to cope. So, I guess you have to weigh taking an antidepressant against the effect the depression/anxiety is potentially having on your health physically, and do what is best for you.

Thank you traceann for pointing out that it is easier to conceive if stress/anxiety is less. I did not know that.

[blackcat25]

Thanks again everyone for your support yesterday.It was really good to share things with people who are going through the same thing. I'm feeling a lbit more positive today - hope it lasts. I guess it's just going to be a slow process coming to terms with what's happened. I think I'll give things a few more days and if I'm still feeling low I'll ask about the antidepressants.
Thanks again guys:smile tee
Blackcat:cat:

[July]

I agree. It can take a long time to process and come to terms with stressful events. I'll say prayers for you, hoping that you will feel better all around soon!:angel:

[ddemos]

Blackcat,

I am so sorry for this awful pain you are faced with, you would have to otherwordly if it didn't affect you. My concern, and I speak from experience, is that if you are ashamed and feel like a failure and are isolating yourself from drs. and friends, on top of excruciating pain...things like depression can go from bad to worse very quickly, and because you may not be thinking clearly, you can find yourself wanting to give up altogether. Please know that I am not trying to scare you, or heaven forbid, make you feel worse, rather to urge you to get on an anti-depressant quickly ...with the knowledge that you might have to try a few or tweak the doses before you get it right. (combo of cymbalta and wellbutrin have worked for me, and cymbalta also helps with physical pain)

I so wish I had not been so resistant to medication for so many years...I would have saved myself much aggravation. I think the combo with cognitive therapy is the ticket. You have a full plate and you can't continue to think you can beat this yourself. I know, I was too ashamed and independent to ask for help, and it took so much longer for me to get back on track because of that. I am truly hoping you won't drag yourself through that...what you are doing now doesn't sound like it's helping you, so perhaps it is time to try something new. A little tough love from me!