HELP feel like MIL is brainwashing my daughter.

[Dixiefireball]

I don't know what to do anymore I really could use some advice so here goes.......

In April of last year my sister in law passed away from a drug overdose Of course my mother in law took this very hard. what mother wouldn't? I have never agree with my Mother in law parnet skills what so ever! My husband was raised up in a very poor neighborhood. (which i understand that couldn't be helped.) MIL never made her children go to school either. When I married my husband he only had a seventh grade ed. (he know has his GED thanks to me.) His sister quit school at a early age also.....MIL has always raised her son.....Minis the few years we had him which he did great in school his graded upped to B and C....well before his mother passed away her medicaid got cutt out so did there food stamps so they wanted him to come back to live with them. from then on out our nephew never went back to school.....I then had to prove he wasn't living with us any longer etc. so i we didn't get into trouble.

Well now it seems as if my MIL brain washing my daughter.
At first we would just let her stay over night on the weekends since MIL is in poor health and her grandson. (our nephew is so wild he comes and goes as he pleases he is now sixteen on drugs himself.)
my daughter doesnt' want to stay all night with her friends any longer she just wants to go to her grandmothers. well when she comes back she is rude to me she yells and treats me badly. its like she doesn't want me to be her mother any longer its like I'm the evil step mother. I'm hurt my own daughter is acting this way (she is twelve) I know she isn't on drugs, I know she isn't haveing sex or anything like that, but I do believe my MIL is brainwashing her. MIL even told me she is talking to my daughter about sex boys etc. (that is my place I have done so, but in my terms I'm the mothers.) I feel she stepped out of line their. I also found out she allows my daughter to cuss. (we don't allow that in our home.)
my husband and I have agree our daughter can no longer go back to stay all night with her grandmother. We have tried and tried to talk to our daughter and MIL about what is going on how we feel etc. but yet it seems like there is no getting threw to them. then MIL throws guit trips on how our daughter is her reason for living since her daughter died.
I don't know what to do.....I feel so lost!! MIL is in bad health. I do know my daughter does take care of her. I do know our daughter loves her dearly, but i feel push out of the picture here. I'm very hurt, my daughter acts as if she doesn't even love me anymore!
I know it isn't right to keep a grandchild from their grandparnets I do know they love each other, but MIL is stepping all over me...it feels like she is getting a huge kick out of all of this....
in the mean time I'm the one who is getting hurt.....
what can I do?? or am I just being selfish?? I don't want my child to end up like her children did!! If not for me (my husband tells me this all the time. He would be dead by now from drinking.)

I'm sorry this is long, i'm also sorry if all of this didn't make sences, there is so much to the story I couldn't poss. but it all here.
If you have any type of advice how to make all happy plz tell me!!

[jaime15]

She definitely wouldn't go back there to even visit during the day.
I would state to your MIL that if she wishes to see her grandchildren that it will be under your terms, bad health or not, at your home ONLY.

This is very odd behavior of a grandmother, in my opinion. You would think she would correct your daughter at every turn when she doesn't behave....not the other way around.

I hope you figure something out that works out for everyone involved. The above is just my opinion as I've never been in a situation like you are in.

My thoughts are with you.........and if your hubby backs you up..........then your MIL should back off better.:grouphug:

[Sarojini]

Oh, Rhonda, I'm so sorry! I certainly would not let your daughter go stay unsupervised with your MIL anymore. It sounds like she may be a bad influence on your daughter...a VERY bad influence. You are right to be worried.

I am thinking of you and hoping that you and hubby can think of a way to make this work without hurting lots of feelings, but it's going to be tough... but if anyone can do it, it's you. You're one tough lady!! :)

[Katrina]

:grouphug: I don't think you are only one getting hurt here....so is your daughter. For that reason I think you should do whatever you have to do to make sure things change around. Having heard plenty of stories about your MIL I think Jamie's advise is good. You need to take your MIL control away from this situation and give it back to the parents!!!!!!


I know this is very stressful for you! :grouphug::kiss:

[dancemomof2]

I think i would stop the alone visits also for awhile. That just isn't right.

[tigger_gal]

yep I agree, time to step on the breaks, and real hard.. I would not allow her to go for overnights, and agree with Leslie on this one, no more alone visits.. The last thing you want is a teenager who thinks she rules the roost.. You need to put a stop to this now before it gets carried to far.. if she lets her swear, is she allowing her to smoke?
hope that you don't have a hard time dealing with this.

[ICNDonna]

I'm glad your husband is backing you on this one. Age twelve is too young for your daughter to be having responsibility for caring for her grandmother overnight under the best of circumstances. And if there's inadequate supervision and guidance for your daughter, plus a teen in the house who may be on drugs, she should not even visit there in the daytime without being accompanied by either you or your husband.

One thing about being the parent of a teen (or in your case a pre-teen) is that adequate, reasonable supervision is the most important thing that can be accomplished. It may be time for you and your husband to visit his mother and clarify with her what is and is not going to be allowed and the consequences if she either can't or doesn't choose to abide by the rules.

You may not be popular for a while with either your MIL or your daughter, but this isn't a popularity contest!

If there's a problem with the MIL staying alone at nights, you might consider her having an "alert" pendant. I have a friend who arranged one for her mother; it hangs around her neck and if she falls, feels ill, etc., all she has to do is push the button and emergency help is sent.

You absolutely need to protect your daughter.

Warm encouraging hugs,
Donna

[kadi]

As a teacher, just want to add a word of backing to all the other advice you've gotten. Kids are sooo much better off when their parents keep good tabs on them & set firm limits....

One thing that has really helped me with making changes other people don't always like is a line I learned in a ministry class I took this year. "Boundaries without consequences are 'nagging.'" If your daughter comes home swearing and hostile after visiting her grandma, something is going wrong & needs correction. You cannot in good conscience, wanting the best for your family, allow the situation to continue as is.

Makes me wonder too, if there is something distressing her over there that she is not sharing with you. Kids sometimes lash out at the "safe" ones in their lives when something is wrong. It might be something as simple as your daughter may be uncomfortable being someone else's "reason for living" - it's a big burden to put on a child, maybe even leaving her wondering if she doesn't go over there, what will happen and is she responsible? Or there may be other issues going on.

A cooling off period is definitely in order.

Wishing you good luck and sending a hug. These things are never easy.

[Trishann]

Rhonda, Donna gave you great advice. I don't think no one could say it better than she did. We know you love your daughter by the concern you have for her. Hang in there.

[emilyrose197377]

Rhonda I am sorry for what your going through. I defnetely wouldn't let your daughter go back and see your mil alone.

:grouphug:

[MichelleMarie]

I have to agree with what everybody has said so far. Your daughter is your number one priority, and you cannot allow yourself to be manipulated into letting her fall into harms way. Your MIL sounds like she's doing a real good job of manipulating the situation! What kind of grandma even does that stuff, sheesh?!:dizzy: Put your foot down, even if it makes you unpopular for awhile!

[SueC]

let your daughter read this whole thread as it grows
sorry honesty the best policy here and very up frnt with her. she is very loved too good parenting here is shown

[icsonja]

I agree with all the comments, I have a 13 year old daughter and they are by their very nature, testing their wings, and if they dont have good boundaries, or confusing ones (its ok to cuss here, but why not here etc,) then they can really become hard to understand.
I also agree that your MIL is putting too much pressure on your daughter to br her "replacemant" daughter and no one can ever live up to the rememberances of a grieving mother, so your daughter may be having alot of conflicting emotions happening, and since she is at puberty (it happens so fast now!) she does what the post said earlier she "takes it out" on you, she knows you are her safe place, and that no matter how much she yells you will still love her. She is probably very stressed and doesnt quite know how to handle what is going on.
This is just the opinion of one mom of a teen to another, hope it helps a little!
Sonja

[Dixiefireball]

Yes all of this great motherly advice helps thank you all!!

My husband and I feel that our daughter Courtney is trapped because of her Grandmother says she is her reason for living!

MIL and even my daughter swears she does nothing up there but sit in the house listen to the radio, watches t.v. (which only picks up a few channels.) so i know there isn't nothing to worry about her watching T.V. shows we don't approve of, but still there is so much going on we are unsure about...... We know what we see and we don't approve one bit!!
Courtney seems to be her normal self today. (thank you God!) She is being kind, well manner young ladie we raised, but yet i have to wonder if she is throwing one of her acts thinking well if i'm doing everything right at home I will be able to go to Joy's house this weekend. (children call her joy short for joyce, because she doesn't like to be called grandma, grandmother or anything that has anything to do with being called grand anything.)

Thanks all With your advice I feel we are doing the right thing. Its going to be hard with courtney and MIL whinneing about staying together, but yet I do know its best!

donna does those "alert" pendant. work even if the person doesn't have a phone in the household??

When we do allow courtney to stay over night she must take her cell phone so we can stay in contact with her.

[Betsie]

Rhonda,

First, all the advice thus far is right on the money. I have raised two daughters myself and I have to say that "boundaries" have to be the number one skill we as parents need to set in motion.

Twelve years old in this generation is much more like 15 when I was a child. The difference being that society is saying one thing about their maturity, when in fact they are just learning to navigate in life. Your daughter needs you and you husband to be the "only" ones that set the rules and stick to them, and regardless of how difficult is key.

Your MIL doesn't have her best interests in mind, she is in fact being selfish, and apallingly so! After what she experienced and witnessed with her own daughter, she should be protecting her, not using her as her guilt child.

She is a grown woman, and while I understand her heart is broken, she can choose to be an adult or a child. It seems to me she chooses the latter.

There is NO ROOM for any discussion of guilt here. Courtney is far too young at 12 to shoulder you MIL's issues. It is not fair to her as a child and developmentally speaking can do some serious damage.

Keep her home, and if she acts out, so be it. That is her job at this age. It certainly doens't mean you need to accept it. Pick your battles, as there will be many, trust me. :dizzy:

Bottom line is this! Courtney is far too young to be "looking" after your MIL. Not her job. Pull in the reigns, accept the fall out in the beginning and keep her a child...she has her whole lifetime to deal with the angst of being an adult.

I can't believe any grandmother would pull this #$@! Someone needs to lay down the law with her and fast! Preferably your husband. No, she won't like it, but she WILL survive. DO NOT let her games win you over and put your daughter in harm's way. The sooner you nip this in the bud, the sooner Courtney will learn that even grandmothers can dish out toxic relationships.

She deserves to be 12 years old.
Simple as that. IF your MIL "truly" values the relationship, let her be a guest in your home and abide by your rules. While it may be rough and rocky initially, at least you daughter (who BTW needs and wants the boundaries) will come around and see the situation for what it really is!

Sending you big Mom hugs...it's not supposed to be easy, so stuck to you guns. You will be grateful that you did. :) Too easy to slip through the cracks at this age, don't wait for damage control later....

Last but not least: DO NOT make excuses for your MIL, she's had her chance, this is YOUR daughter, she (MIL) needs to respect that and your values!!! It isn't your problem if she can't!

:pray: