Insensitive things people say

[judyblue]

After 5 months of symptoms, tonight is the first time I have cried over all this.

Tomorrow my family is suppose to go over to our best friends house for a cookout. We have all been dear friends for 10 years. My friend knows about my bladder and diet issues. She told me who would be at the cookout and the side dishes they were bringing. Everything she named was a no-no for me. Then she asked what I was bringing. I said I was going to cut up a honeydew melon. There was a long pause and then she said, "is there anything else you can bring?" I felt the tears sting in my eyes immediately.

I explained that I wanted to make sure there was something there that I could eat and she kept asking, but if you were fixing something for your family, what would you fix? I told her I would probably have the same thing or cooked vegetables. Finally, we settled on me bringing a veggie tray.

I had a good cry tonight. I don't even want to go to this cookout now. I am dreading it. I hope with some sleep I'll get over this feeling of anger I have, and I hope that by venting some I will feel better. Does anyone else have examples of the insensitive things people say? Maybe someone elses' misery might make me feel better.

[celine]

No, I cant say that I have, but you better believe, I will throw a prayer your way that all goes well at the picnic,o.k.? It's just such a hard disease for people to understand!! Just try to relax and have a good time. Celine

[MaEmBr]

I don't see whats wrong with a honeydew melon, I'm not sure where your from but it's hot where I am and honeydew melon sounds great!!! I'm sure whoever that person was they weren't trying to be insensitive, maybe she just doesn't like honeydew melon. What ever the case don't let it get you down, go and make the best out of the time you have with your friends and family. I hope you have a great day!!
Bonnie

[VickiB]

Yep,...sometimes it's hard! I know I've had my share of cook-outs & such I've attended with very little safe to eat. I think the worst is when someone mentions they brought the --- (something on the NO list), and you suddenly feel very guilty realizing that there's obviously none on your plate!

My only really bad experience was when I declined a soda and was told that they don't normally have soda, and had bought it just for my visit. I explained that I had a medical condition that prevented me from enjoying one. The lady kind of got in a huff and asked, then what kind of soda should I have bought? I replied that I can't drink soda, which only seemed to make her more distressed. Geez, like I wouldn't love to drink her soda! (or a margarita, or dip my shrimp in that cocktail sauce, etc!)

You know, I think the best you can do is eat something beforehand in case there's very little there safe for you. Come with a bottle of water and an IC safe dish or two, heck -maybe even a stash of snacks. Then do your best to have fun.

Oh, and you can bring a honeydew melon to my house anytime!

Vicki

[kadi]

People are ridiculous sometimes. People who know us & our diet issues should just be happy their friend is coming to their party, be glad to see them, and ask us how we want our food issue handled (bring something ourselves, have a plain burger set aside on the grill, steer rude/nosy guests away from our food issues etc.).

I usually just bring something to share (a plate of raw veggies or the butterscotch brownies on this site are super popular) & a small discreet meal for me to eat (usually plain chicken, rice, veggies).

What's maddening then is that people STILL make dumb comments, like "Wow, if you can eat these butterscotch brownies, then I want to be on your diet." Uh, yeah, right.

When someone starts getting too inquisitive about my food, I now just say I have food allergies, then change the subject to something about themselves. "I have a bunch of food allergies. It's not fun. So, how do you know the host? How long have you lived in the area? etc." It closes the topic of food, but doesn't reject the person asking. Not always, but most of the time, it prevents the worst comments or my bladder becoming the center of attention.

This takes some getting used to. Eventually most people in our lives catch on & become more helpful over time. The first year is the hardest.

[Shalai]

My best friend is a guy and a trucker. I've known him since grade school. However, we lost touch for several years, and only got back in touch with each other a couple of years ago.

Anyway, one day, my friend was asking me why I didn't join my hubby on the road, who is also a trucker. I explained to him because of IC, there was no way I could take bouncing around in a big rig with my bladder, and there was absolutely no way I could take driving those long hours.

After a pause, he says "I think a person can do anything they set their mind to do". In other words, I felt like he was basically telling me I could if I wanted to, but I really just didn't want to, and IC was a good excuse.

I couldn't believe he said that! After all the explaining I did before about IC, he still didn't get it. I was so hurt and angry that he would say such a thing to me. Needless to say, I went off.

For another example, after I told another friend why I couldn't drink any alcohol, he asked me if I had tried drinking just a little, to see if it would cause me any pain. When I said no, he said "well, how do you know it will hurt?" He wasn't intentionally being insensitive, he just couldn't understand why even a little sip could cause me a great deal of pain. I finally just told him "Look, I've felt too good for too long to even risk it, so there's no way I"m gonna take a chance."

I don't think people mean to be insensitive, it just comes out that way, because they speak before they think about what they are really saying. They can't comprehend what it's like to live the way I do, not being able to enjoy doing stuff like everyone else, even though it may look and seem like I am perfectly capable of doing anything. I look healthy, and most of the time I feel healthy (not right now though).

I got so tired of trying to explain this thing to people, I just quit trying. They don't understand why I don't "look" sick, or why one day I can do something, or eat or drink something that doesn't bother me, and on any other day the same thing can set the IC off. The only one who really understands what I go through is my husband, and that's only because he sees it firsthand. These other people in my life don't have a clue, and I don't feel like explaining it anymore. It's just too tiring.

Sherry

[ICNDonna]

I usually just don't say anything. When we're invited somewhere for a pot luck, I just don't take anything that could possibly be an irritant. And I always take something that could be considered a main dish and a dessert. That way I know there's something I can have. My favorites are to take a tri-tip roast that's simmered in my crock pot either overnight or all day, depending on when the dinner will be held --- and a blueberry cobbler, which has become a favorite among our friends. When we arrive, we are asked if I made the blueberry dessert.

I don't normally comment at all about the food, but if someone asks, I just say I have some food allergies, but I'm able to work around them; then I change the subject or comment on another dish on the table.

Donna

[judyblue]

I am back from the cook-out, and everything was very nice.

My friend loves to entertain, and when she does, everything centers around the food. So I decided before I went to hang out with the "guys" since they tend to get interested in other things, like sports on tv or cooking the burgers on the grill. I just became one of the guys! And my veggie plate that I got forced into was actually perfect. I had used Marie's creamy ranch dressing for my dip. So I used just a touch on my burger with lots of cucumber slices and it was delicious. I felt like such a sap.

And because I was with the guys - no one gave a rat's behind what I had on my plate! None of that, "oh, why didn't you try my baked beans?" stuff. Later when others mingled over to us, the food issues were long gone. I really enjoyed myself.

I appreciate all of the support, advice and tidbits. And Donna, I would love that blueberry cobbler recipe!

I guess you learn to live with this condition one day at a time.

[VickiB]

Glad to hear it went well for you!

Vicki