I really need help with a very stubborn and angry? man.

[MakinIT]

Hey all

one of my novels. Ok, I've had this illness purgatory for 3 and 1/4 years now. Now that I'm counting or anything. I don't know how to help my husband. We have been together since I was 20. I am now 41. (er..will be in a week or so) So, I've know him longer than I haven't. Yet, he is still a mystery to me. We drift further and further away. And he speaks to me in monosyllabic terms. and grunts. Never smiles at me, holds my hand, touches me...in fact...should we touch on the couch he literally jumps to move away. I've tried to speak with him, and in a way that is not angry, b/c I know him. He holds alot inside and who knows what he is thinking. He always tells me I'm too sensitive, worrying too much...then when he does get to actually talking he discusses his real frustration with work, he works the hours of a teacher...plus he puts in .2 extra so he gets no planning time (therefore he is at school until 8 pm some nights) he is also a consultant so he works his butt off doing what he loves, teaching teachers a new way to look at education.(And he is very good at it) I do housework, but generally one to two rooms per day. On a good day, I can handle about a 1/2 and hour of yard work. My pay has gone from 5500/mo net to 2400. I want to work and keep trying to find a job back with the school district. But he doesnt want me to work, as I do stuff like pass out or get terrible bladder cramps, and get very sleepy. (I don't drive during those moments) Anyway, he gets frustrated and angry, complains about becoming bankrupt (although I haven't figured out how, yet) and once said he didn't know becomeing married meant being celibate. Now, don't me wrong, I hurt like hell down south and I would love more than anything to, well, you know. But crap, as he well knows, the act of sex can include more than in out repeat.

So, my oldest daughter...(16) is catching the vibes and is crying, asking me if we are divorcing. (if so, I am screwed for medical benis, ha, ha) I told her her dad swore to never divorce the woman he married.

So...Do any of you have such a purgutory? how have you pulled yourself out......? Oh...BTW...He shuts out my attempts at discussions by playing war games with ear phones on...or working in his classroom.

Tracey

[ICNDonna]

My suggestion would be to talk with a qualified marriage counselor. If he won't go, then go alone. I worked with a marriage counselor for several years and we had many women come in without their husbands and, believe it or not, it helped in many instances ..... and in some cases, after the wife had been in several times, we would hear from the husband asking for an appointment ..... they could see differences in their wives and wanted to help improve their relationships too.

Don't give up. There is definitely hope.

Warm hugs,
Donna

[tigger_gal]

((((((((((hugs))))))))))) sounds like hubby is going thru some issues of his own. maybe he don't want to trouble you.. (mine is great for doing what you described)
hope things work out for you.

[MakinIT]

Donna..thanx, you're correct. He won't "share our petty issues with a stranger". Despite the fact he is adamant I share mine with a psychologist. (he got ahold of a notebook I was keeping thoughts in...looked just like a cheapo kids spiral book...started reading my entries and wanted me to see the psych on a reg basis although I'm outta visits until January.)At one time he said he said he was willing but now he is to busy...
Tigger...I also know that to be true. He never tells me ANY of the problems. I''m suddenly a child. Although stress makes things worse, the stress of him not speaking is worse than any financial stress or whatever. The things running around in my head. Has he met someone he wishes he could see. (I know he's not he's way to damn busy) He is stressed about his father living w/ us in our tiny house. His dad hasn't bathed in two years. I finally put my foot down and told him I wasn't driving him anywhere until he bathed, he stinks up the entire house. And I am not coy about it anymore, I wave my hand in front of my face and gag. Bill (the father in law) has diabetic retinopathy...it has been fixed so he can see. He had heart surgery (triple bypass) and he's over that. But he had a case of pnuemonia 2 years ago that when they brought him in, his lung had collapsed and they had to intubate directly into the lung, through the chest. ouch. He's been left with chronic pain there. He's only 65. He does nothing but lay in a leather chair and sleep or ***** about the kids making noise, the entire day....or trying to get me to drive him somewhere (yes, even when was I really dopey he'd whine and complain, they have a good bus service here for disabled folks, I use it.) He won't use the pain killers, which is fine...but if you want that, you either search for a natuarapath who can help, or quit *****in and expecting all to feel sorry for you. (hey, don't we know it.) And, uh, I don't care how bad I hurt...I shower EVERY DAY. Anyway, my husband is very worried he is going to be "stuck" with all of Bill's "final expenses" because he has no policies of any sort. (And Bill used to sell pre sold funeral plans) Roger doesn't want anything to ruin our meager money set aside for kids. And although Bill is relatively young he has convinced himself of his death soon. OH...and here's the kicker...despite my many years with chronic pain he flat out told me I have no idea what the hell chronic pain is and what the procedures are that they are doing on him. (yes, this was before I told him he stunk too much to ride in my car) I was trying to explain that the area of the punch prob had an irritated nerve and that traveled down to his liver and upper gastric area. He said a nerve wouldn't do that....I had no idea what I was talking about. Hmmm. Guess what his pain doc said? Then they tried the whatever procedure everyone seems to get when they have IC. I told him they would attempt that...and he's sitting at home with the temp leads in, much more comfortable. I just wish they would tell him he has to bathe every week or so once it's in to "keep it in working order". So. My husband always has to worry about grandpa being mean to the kids or unhygenic and wanting to make dinner, ( or leaving a stew in the fridge for 3 weeks and not letting anyone throw it away....I have a system he hasn't figured out yet but it ****** him off.)
Talked your ears off. I just wish my family was happy. We are not. I have an 11 year old who is extremely rude to me, despite my attempts to be kind. So, I have just shut her out for now. Told roger to make sure she bathes and for God's sake, not wear Pajamas to the Grocery store. We were watching the NFL draft yesterday and she asked what it was and I explained it was when super playing college kids get picked to play pro. She muttered under her breath (yeah, just like my dream of playing professional soccer, YOU ruined it) I said whoa nellie, what is that supposed to mean? She just started screaming that she wanted to play soccer pro and and I stopped her. First off, her dad was running her everywhere. He made her make a choice. second.She hated soccer. She played for 5 years and was very good. but hated it. she forgot. Lately though, I am to blame for all the problems. You know, i've said before on this board, and I'm not saying it for attention, but it would be easier to just be gone, I'm so unhappy and just hanging out with no one in the family even asking how I am. I passed out the other night (I was sick, turns out I had a nasty UTI, had a really bad migraine going......the world tipped and I landed flat on my back on the tile in the kitchen.) I came to quickly, no one was there.....I know I made a noise there were dishes all around me. I yelled for help. Finally, my youngest, the 11 year old, came out and screamed "mommy passed out", the oldest jumped up. I was very shaky and couldn't get up so they needed help. Caitlin had to actually go out to her dad and say Mom can't get up, you need to help. (he was on the computer playing a war game.) He got huffy, I could hear him say "she can't stand up at all?!!" He stomped in, basically yanked me to my feet, didn't ask what happened didn't make sure I was seated.....went back to his game.

That's my life....you know, I had a palm reader read my hand once when I was in high school. Of course, it was for fun, I didn't believe in any of that crudski .....She said I was kind, and loving but despite it all I would die lonely and cynical. Makes me scared.

[Cheries]

Wow, do you ever have a lot to deal with!! I think you are LETTING EVERYONE GET YOU DOWN WAY TOO MUCH!! Take your power back girl! Don't stand for it. If your husband is acting like an ASS, ignore him. It has nothing to do with you. If your kids don't appreciate what you do, stop doing for them unless they treat you with respect!! Stop letting people treat you like crap. I am 40 years old and I work in education, so I know a little of what teachers do. I am sure your hubby has a lot of pressure at work etc. Find your OWN counselor and they should be able to help you figure out how to respect your own needs and stop letting people run you into the ground. It is not your fault you have IC. The shoe could easily be on the other foot.

[MakinIT]

Hi Cheries

Wow..you popped that one the head. yes, I have as much figured out. My husband is getting the cold shoulder much of the time and I think he is just to damn proud approach me. Kelsey (my youngest) is the one who is the disrespectful child. I told her a while back that when things were good her allowance, in the bank was 20 and 10 bucks to spend. (thats polite, chores, etc....) lately I've only put 10 bucks in the back. Now, I told her I couldnot even do that with that EVEN with her 10 dollars considering her behavior. I got clown mouth. We shall see.

gotta go get the brat.

[Baba Yaga]

Makin it, Hang onto yourself, and be tough with your father in law. You have no obligation to be near something that smells bad by choice, much less be servant to it. I am very upset seeing how your own pain and burdens are being trivialized by him. I think he is really contributing to a depression in your husband, and he doesn't seem to know his place in your household.

Unfortunately a lot of kids take a long time to appreciate their mothers.

Please remember that you have us.

:grouphug:

[MakinIT]

Baba: Thanks for the kindness...I'm reading a book right now called "The Tao of Parenting." Enjoyable,especially if you have some knowledge of buddismn, enlightenment, etc. Alot of 3 paragraph or so "pieces" to think about, one that I keep reading is finding meaning in each behavior of a child, and to "meditate" on it. (I don't meditate...too boring, I'm too squirmy..But, I respond in a journal. And I handwrite b/c Im from the generation that handwrote alot. Computers came into "vougue" when I was in college.) Anyhow...my husband HAS HIRED 2 women to come in and clean my home 1x per week. (Windows 1x/month, inside....outside sometime this summer) But Bill still won't bathe. He asked me to help him fill out some paper work this morning so I sat down and he leaned over me, I told him i could do it myself. He said he wanted to watch. I told him, kindly, he needed to brush his teeth and shower to be that close. He snatched the paperworkback back and marched down the hall.

But then my husband pulls some crap like last night. He came home crabby...sort of.
He had promised my eldest to print something out she needed that day in his classroom. Why, for God's sake, we have to keep our home printer in his classroom is beyond me. He has printers in his classroom. Anyway, he forgot. He never writes ANYTHING DOWN. (at least I write stuff down, I just lose the list) When he got home, Caitlin (16 and very emotional...always has been) asked if he had it. He just scowled at her and said "NO". So she very politely asked if she could go with him to print it out. He got very angry. (It's a 2 page monolouge she needs for trying out for an advanced theatre class next year) She has to memorize it by Friday, So she came in bawling to me. I went to him, pulled the earphones out (he was playing a video game) and I asked what I could do to help him finish whatever so he could get it for her ( It's 5 minutes to his school). He slammed out of the door...I told Caitlin to stop crying and remember that he is extremely moody. She's very worried we'll divorce. I also explained what you said, his worry of Grandpa, and told her she needed to start trying to look at things from the eyes of an adult even though she's still a young person, and realize the stress on her dad. She is still pretty ego centric, which is perfectly normal, and she feels like it's all her fault. It makes me sad.

Take care,

Tracey