Need Good Thoughts - Got Divorce Papers In Mail Today

[littlemyrn]

Hey, I know many of you out there have read my previous post regarding getting divorced. Well today I have finally hit rock bottom. I woke up feeling really sad (had tornado warnings last night - was left to be sure kids and I were secure in our safe room - am used to him being here and taking care of me and the kids), well anyway later in the morning the phone rings and my daughter answered it was him, he has gone out of town on a self awareness journey, (which may I add, my daughter had to have an emergency surgical procedure on Tues, she is doing better, but still alot of work to take care of her, my son is 8 and was on spring break, so I had him to deal with, I had to work, plus my IC is out the roof, and he still goes out of town) (so why am I so sad not to be with the person??) because I shared 16 years with him, I guess, and he didn't even ask to speak to me and then the mail comes and the copy of the filed divorce complaint was in there. Sooooo I am feeling really low right now.

Anybody out there that can relate and give me some good advice???? Please...

[SharonA]

I am so sorry so much is happening with you. I remember getting served with divorce papers 34 years ago. It was one of the worst days of my life. I thought I was going to cry myself to death. But...I did not die. I did go on to live a good life and meet my present husband who is God's gift to me. We have been married for 25 years, now.

I was thinking a few days ago about what it might have been like if my ex and I were still married. I am so glad we are not. I do not think he would have been as supportive to me as my present husband was in the beginning and still is with this IC. I don't think he had it in him to handle everything that goes along with my having IC.

I know that you are feeling lost and alone right now. That is natural. You need time to grieve the death of your marriage. I also know this is going to sound very trite, but things will get better for you. :grouphug:

BTW...I did not realize that your area had Warnings. We were under a Watch, but nothing came from it. Was there a tornado that touched down?

[ICNDonna]

I'm so sorry you are having to go through a divorce. I do have one bit of advice and that is, if you don't have your own attorney, get one tomorrow! If he filed for the divorce, his attorney will be looking out for him --- you need someone to protect you and the children.

I do understand. I also was divorced from my first husband --- and I think the thing that tortured me most was wondering if there was anything I could have done that would have preserved the marriage.

Like Sharon, I am very thankful that I did get that divorce. After being on my own for almost four years, I met and married my Terry, who has been so very supportive from the very beginning. We will celebrate our 34th anniversary this month.

Now get yourself that attorney tomorrow!

Warm encouraging hugs,
Donna

[ihurttoo]

Dear Marilyn, I am so sorry you going through all of this. I have never been divorced, so I can only imagine everything you are going thru. I just wanted to let you know that I am here for you if you need someone to talk to. You have my numbers, I hope that you will use them. It would kill me to know that you are feeling alone when I could be there for you. Although I am not a good traveler, I will gladly come down there if you want me to, or you are more than welcome to come here. As I have told you before, I have a guest room, and it is made up waiting for you whenever you want to come. I told you before to give me 24 hours notice so that I can have everything clean, but since you are in crisis mode, I would even waive that for you. :) As you know, I recently got my disability back pay, so it wouldnt cost you a cent. If you come up, we can do a girly weekend, and go to a day spa and get the works done, then go out for the best bland food in town :) , and then come home and watch some man bashing movies while we lay on our heating pads. The offer stands, if you want to come now or whenever. I wish I could take all of your hurt away. I do want to leave you with one thought though, and that is this. Whether or not you and your husband are able to live together anymore, does not mean that he isnt going to miss you. You were married for a very long time. He would not have stayed married to you for that long, if he didnt love you. You are still the same person that he fell in love with, and that will never change. There will always be a special place in his heart for you, whether or not you are able to live together. You are the mother of his children. Nothing can change that. You have shared many memories together thru the years. Nothing can change that either. I am certain that he misses you. I truly believe that he did not ask to speak to you on the phone because he did not want to give you the wrong idea. There is always going to be a part of him that loves you, no matter what. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to try and be as active as possible. You need to be getting out of that house and having fun. (If you cannot actually manage to have a good time, you at least need to give the appearance of having one. The reason for this is three-fold. 1) Sometimes, if you fake it, you may actually start to feel it, and you seriously need that right now. 2) Your children need to see that you are okay, if not better off than you were with their father. The only way for them to believe that, is if you are out there giving every appearance of having the time of your life. 3)You dont want your soon-to-be ex to think that you are sitting around moping over him. There is nothing that would make him feel worse right now than to know that you are having the best time you have had in years.These are things I want you to put on your "must do" list: 1) Go to all the restraunts that he never wanted to go to. For example, if you always wanted to try the Japanese place, but he didnt like Japanese food, go there. If you always wanted to see an opera, but he didnt like opera, go there. If you love the beach but he hates it, then take a vacation to the beach. You get the idea. 2) Do a bit of redecorating. Start in the master bedroom. Decorate to your tastes. You only have to please yourself. Make it your personal retreat. Even if you do nothing more than paint and get a couple of throw pillows, make it look differant. Also, moving the furniture around can really make a room look dramatically differant. I was an interior designer in my pre-IC life. If you want some help or ideas, I will help you for free, the next time I come to Nashville for the dr. (that is in 2 weeks). 3) Sign up for a class in pottery, computers, painting, or whatever interests you. 4) Go to the library and check out all those books you have been meaning to read, and actually read them. (It might also be fun to join a book club. Barnes and Nobles has some great ones. 4) Make a mental note of all the men you have seen or met over the years who are single and you thought, "Wow, if I werent married!", and then call every one of them up, and ask someone out. 5) Go out with your girlfriends some place where there are lots of men. Dress in your sexiest outfit, do your hair and make-up just so, and get out there and flirt your tail off. Come on girl! You remember how! Just do it! Your self esteem needs this. 6) Call me and get my mom's number. She is about 10 years older than you are, but she has dated several men in Nashville that are your age. Talk to her and see who she knows that she can fix you up with. My mom will know several, and she will be glad to set you up. (By the way, my mother is seriously stunning, and she has never dated anyone ugly or unsuccessful! :) ) 7) Call me anytime you are down. I promise you now, I will get you out of it, or I will stay on the phone with you until you lie to me and say you are out of it! :) I am sorry to write you such a novel tonite, but I just want to help you. I really care about you, and it hurts me to know that you are hurting. So please call me anytime. I hope that this helps! Love, Amy :kissing: :grouphug:

[Mel53H]

Wow! How nice of you, Amy!! :)

[littlemyrn]

Thanks everyone, Amy I will call you today hopefully. I was the one filed the complaint, but the actual document coming to my house yesterday showing filed was just too much for me. We went through mediation and everything was agreed at that time. Now 90 days from now, it will be like it didn't happen. I have a great girlfriend here, I have known her for 30 years, we are going to have a very special spa day when it is final, and no warnings, but a Martini. (I know I will hurt to all get out afterwards but I think I will deserve that treat). Thanks again.

[July]

Sending out prayers to you during this difficult time. I hope you feel better soon.

[Baba Yaga]

:grouphug:
littlemyrn,
I hope you start to feel better soon. The reason he left town now and didn't ask you to the phone was to inadvertently remind you why you finally decided to separate from him. I know you will have a great time with your friends. Remember Sharon and Donna's good fortune, and ponder Amy's words and assignments for you. I hope you get to hang out with her soon too. :)

[Cheries]

Amy you are so right on!!!! The best way to move on is not to linger. Period.

[traceann]

Hey littlemyrn, I totally understand what you are dealing with, only I didn't have children to worry about, so that I can only imagine, makes it worse ten-fold. I too, even though it sounds trite, have had the same wonderful luck that Donna and Sharon have had - I found a wonderful man, 300 million times better than the first, even on his worst days!

I asked for the divorce and filed first etc. And even though it was what I wanted and knew I wanted and was happy to be getting - the day of the court date when it was made final, was still sad. I had been married almost 10 years, and it was a very sad thing, and weird feeling - being officially single. I had been a Mrs for soooo long.... People who knew my situation totally supported me (and who secretly - or not so secretly wondered what took me so long to do it) even asked me if I'd cried yet. I looked at one of them like they were insane, lol. But then that evening I knew exactly what he meant, as I broke down in tears. Even though I already had my sweetie at that point (my now hubby) and loved him like there was no tomorrow, it was just sad - plain and simple. It was an odd feeling, even going out for drinks right after court with my girlfriend, it was like I felt there should be a "funeral" or something for it.

I guess my point is no matter what, you are still going to be sad, regardless if you asked for it or he did. But there will be brighter days, I promise that. Sometimes it may not feel like it - but they will come along. ;) And if you are like me, when you finally reach your happy place, you will look back and wonder "what was I thinking?!" Everyday I thank my lucky stars I did what I did - even though it was terrifying! (especially financially - I had to get a mortgage to buy him out of the house, and I just lost 2/3 of the household income!)

I do promise you there will be better and brighter days!!!!!! ;)

Hugs,
Tracey :)

[BellaTutu]

:grouphug: havent been there myself but wanted to offer my support to you. Lots of hugs.

[ICSF]

I am so sorry for your pain. I'm having trouble in my relationship right now, and I will swear, the "not knowing" is the worst. The indifference and uncertainty will drive you mad. You don't have to deal with that anymore.
I'm sure nothing we say will take the pain away, but know that you are heard and are being lifted up.

[liznazz]

I am sorry to hear about this. I was divorced exactly one year ago. I didn't see it coming. I was diagnosed with IC the end of March, my ex found himself a girlfriend a few months after (couldn't have sex, you know.... must mean I was worthless...) Filed in November and was divorced last April. Everything happenned so fast!! The best advice I can give ( i 'm still a newbie to this) is to immerse yourself in something... work, family, a hobby... and surround yourself with supportive friends/family. I increased my hours at work, worked on a new curriculum at school, kept me busy all the time. I'm not saying you won't have bad days... but the busier you keep yourself, the less time you have to think about things and feel sorry for yourself. AS someone previously said in one of the post... move on. Yes, there were good times, but my ex had a habit of cheating etc. Is this really what I wanted? A man who could not support me emotionally and be there for me? My friends would say.... what is it that you are missing so much? He cheated, he drank, he was not supportive of you when you were diagnosed.... They're right!! I think I missed the "idea" of a family unit. But my sons and I are still a family. We just do things without him. YOu always tend to miss the "ideal" qualities, but overlook the negative ones. But the negative ones are what wears the relationship down. I wish you much luck and will send my prayers. liz

[TabbiH]

I've heard of people throwing themselves a "reception" when the divorce is final in order to celebrate the birth of their new life. Congratulations on having the strength to take a very difficult step.