IC makes boyfriend drink

[loro]

Ok this is the secone boyfriend I have had with my IC full blown and they have booth turned into alcholics as soon as the sex stops for a lenthly peroid of time. Do any of you go through this and how do I acept this? It is very hard to watch.I am worried for his health not to mention the fact that I am suposed to not feel guilt because it is not a real realtionship anymore I mean I can't even hug him because the pain is so bad. It is very depressing. I am envious of other couples. I love him and I just don't know what to do. I know he loves me cause he sticks around through all this but i know he is not happy. He is drinking 24 pk a day sometimes more. I know there are know answers for this I just want to know if anyone else is experiencing this pattern or any males are out there who can help me accept this. I mean I am scared to even do things for him for my health because he is not taking care of himself. I have gotten yeast from the last guy i was with who drank like that so when he lets himself go I am not even inclined to help him out. What to do? :pray:

[ihurttoo]

Hello! First of all, I want you to erase all notions of guilt from your psyche. Your having an IC flare and not feeling up to it, is no differant than some women who hurt the whole week of their periods and cant sex. I am sure he has dated one of those before, and if he hasnt yet, he is most certainly heard of it from other people. So there are many, many women who dont feel up to the task for one reason or another for a considerable part of every month. As far as his drinking goes, I believe that he is counting on your guilt for having a chronic illness to buy him some understanding to allow him to drink as much as he wants to. If I am wrong, then I send my apologies, but this is just my gut reaction here. And the amount your describing is ALOT! It is an amount that he would have to build up to over time, which indicates this has been a problem for him long before your IC flares came along. IF someone is turning to alchohol to cope with one problem, they would turn to it to cope with another. Your IC is just the excuse of the moment. I bet he will soon be drinking because he had a bad day at work, then because he had a fight with his mom, then b/c his dog died, and then next thing you know, it will be b/c his sister's,boyfriend's cousin's wife's secratary has the flu. Alcohilics are notorious excuse makers. (and yes, 24 beers in a day to "deal" sounds like an alcholic to me). I know you love him, and I know even as I am typing this that you are probobly not going to listen to what I am going to say, but my best advice is leave him. You arent married yet, and you are not stuck. There are many men out there who will want to be sober when you are hurting to be there for you emotionally and remember it. They will also want to be sober to be your driver in case you hurt so bad you need someone to drive you to the dr. Yes, they might feel inconvienced by the IC, but it is only one peice of the whole you. And as I told someone else here recently, there are way more sides to you than the IC. You had enough of those other things to land this guy, and there are enough of those other things about you that are attractive enough to land the next. You deserve someone who wants to take care of your needs when you are hurting, not selfishly thinking of ways to fulfill his own thru booze and ways you can "help him out". So no, I guess you can see, I would not "help him out". Then only time I would consider "helping out" my husband while I am hurting really bad, is if he has just been so extraordiarily kind to me in a flare that I would feel guilty not helping him. (for example he drives the 1 hr round trip to the drugstore to pick up a med my dr calls in for me to help with pain.--If the med worked, and helped me, I would let my husband "reap the rewards" of his good deed. And in case you are wondering, this would normally involve a "helping hand", since pain meds sometimes make me too nauseated to help in other ways. I hope I have not been too blunt with you. I know you love him, I just want you to have what you deserve. I dont want you to fall into the trap of staying b/c you think no one else would want you due to the IC. If you are truly too far gone to leave him right now, please at the very least consider going to an AA meeting for family members of people that have this. You dont have to speak to a soul there. No one will be trying to "recruit you". But they may have some literature for you to read and at the very least, there will be people there who have gone thru situations like yours who can tell you how they dealt with it. I truly wish you the best of luck. I hope my bluntness hasnt scared you off of the boards. I swear, I am not usually so blunt. If you read my past posts to others, you will see proof of this. And certainly most others here would have probobly just said: "welcome to the boards, and I am sending you hugs," and left it at that. I just couldnt help myself on this one. It just kinda struck a nerve in me. (not with my husband, or IC, but with an ex and anytime I was ever sick.) Thank you for reading all of this. And I AM sending you some big ole hugs! :grouphug: AMY

[loro]

Thanks Amy,
I wish I could say it was only a month but it has been a year and a half since he and I could have sex. When he and I started dating 3 years ago i was doing well and I had a seizure. Even tho he drinks everyday he works to pay the bills and he makes dinner every night. He takes me to all my dr appointments because I don't drive anywhere and it is depressing. My question is why does this keep happing.. The same thing happened with the last guy I was with him for 6 yrs. He did not drink the first 3 years we were dating. All of a sudden I got diagnosed with IC in the middle of the relationship things got bad and I mean bad. I was on a morphine drip for a while and I felt dead. Then I recover for a year leave him because I think I deserve better and the next guy turns to booze. Now to an extent I can understand why someone would want to drink I mean this is depressing for me and if I could escape it I would. I am traped tho theres no way to escape my own body.n I am just trying to understand this pattern I am falling into and see if anyone else can relate to it. You din't scare me off, I can see what your saying. I am actually worried for his health. He told me he wanted to see a hypnotherapist for all this because as you said yes there is alot that he is dealing with and I don't think it is just me. I do think he was and I was happeier when I was well for such a long time. Theres no way to prepare someone for this kind of blow. I haven't left my house in months other then to go to the dr. I am trying new things and I am hopefull I guess If he doesn't improve with me then I can improve with out. The future will only tell.

[ihurttoo]

I am so very sorry that you are going thru all of this. You are correct in your assumption that I thoght it was only for a month or so. However, I am still with you, and can still relate. I have a condition called vulvar vestibulitis, and it makes everthing down there hurt on the outside, and then when things get going, it hurts on the inside as well. I struggled for years with this prior to my d/x and thought it was just me. I actually never actually had vaginal sex until I was 27 and had been married for 4 days. It hurt so bad down there that it literally clamped shut. I posted the story on a thread in the Vulvadynia section of this board, recently under a thread entitled, "need your VV stories for research". In this thread, I describe the pain, the dating dilemmas, what helped the pain, what didnt, and what ultimately solved my problem. (a surgery). There is also one other thing that might help you. It is called a Love Swing. That is the real name of it if you google it. It is a swing used for sex. It has handles, differant places for feet, hands etc. It would enable you to do it in differant postiions than you can now. I dont want to be too graphic here, so please google it to see what I am talking about, but it would enable you to be an acrobat even if you are not limber at all. This would help you so that you are able to try differant postions that would keep his weight off your bladder, and keep your bladder from laying on him while you do the work. The swing does the work for both of you. I would also suggest getting a prescription for lidocaine from your dr. Use this as a lubricant about 20 min before you get down to bussiness to numb you up. If you dont want him numb, use a condom. If he is a quick draw, use a tiny bit on him to numb him just a hair, and then have him put on the condom. There is an article too on IC sex tips that Jen wrote. (ICNMGRJILL gave it an award due to its helpful nature. But the best tip I have is the swing. They cost about $200 but are worth every penny. All of my friends have one, even those without IC. I'm telling ya, this thing is great! I like it because I dont feel the weight, do the work, and dont have feel guilty since he isnt either. It is the lazy person's way to great sex, and also helpful to people like us. I hope some of this helps you and I havent embarrassed myself in vain. If you are worried about the price, dont. It's about $200, but I guarentee ya thatif you show your man the picture of this and let him read it's possibitlites, he will commit highway robbery to get one for you! I hope this helps with the sex part. As for your other trouble, if you are too much in love, there is no way I can talk you into leaving. But if you arent so far gone that your mind is still in control of your heart, I would still have to tell you to get out while you can. The majority of alcholics dont get better. There are of course exceptions, but I am speaking statistically. There is nothing he is doing for you that the next man who loves you wouldnt do. Other men cook, clean, and would drive you to the dr. Staying together for fiancial reasons is common for many people, but it should never be a primary reason. You seem quite personable, and undoubtably have many people who would take you in to keep you from staying in a toxic relationship. Do you have parents or siblings nearby? I ended up living with my aunt from age 18-25 for this very reason. And we were not close at all until we lived together. Then we became dear friends. Going on disability and SSI are also possibilites, and if you still cant afford to live alone, you can always get a roomate. There are always options. It's one thing if you are staying because you want to. It is quite another if you are staying b/c you see no way out. There is always a way out. God would not allow you to be trapped. He put us on this earth with the understanding that we have choices all along the way. Even if you dont believe in God, the premise is still the same. You have options. Please search your heart and do what you feel is the best thing for you now and on the future. I dont want to come back on this board a year from now and see that you now want out, but think you cant leave b/c you have a child with him, that you didnt plan on having and are facing raising it with an alchohilic father. It is never easy to leave, but I can promise you this: It will be much easier to leave today than it will tomorrow. I have tried my best to help you in your situation if you choose to say, and give you the strength leave if that is what you want to do. It is a choice only you can make. The swing will be helpful in future relationships too. It is a transferable asset. :) (One word of advice, though. If you get the swing and leave, make sure you take it with you! :) I am sending gentle hugs your way! :grouphug: :kissing: Please have faith that your situation will improve soon. You are doing the right thing in seeking support to make your descion. We all need someone to stop, take notice, and give us a hug sometimes. If you ever need me, please pm me and I will give you my number. I want to help you any way that I can. Your post really touched me. Hugs, Amy

[ICNDonna]

One thing I recommend for you is to attend Alanon meetings. It's typical for an alcoholic to blame somebody else, anybody else, for their drinking addiction. You did not make this person an alcoholic, but you are allowing him to use you as an excuse.

Sending gentle hugs,
Donna

[loro]

Thank you everyone for your support it means the world to me. I Understand what you say about there being other men who can do the same thing. I a self confident that I can find another man. I wouldn't want one tho. I would just get better. I do have family and they would of corse help me if I needed it. I just love him and i want to sort it out. HE seems to as well. I will look into the swing. How do I get rid of the pain surrounding the urethra and vaginal wall? Any sucess there? I don't think I want to use lidocane sp?. I use frankinsense atm but it only brings the pain down a few levels.I just started Pelvic floor therapy witch he pays for. He got me insurance and pays for all my dr visits and supports me to get well. HE is just toxic. He never said out loud he is blaming me. I just feel it, do you know what I mean? I haven't been diagnosed with vulvar disfunction but i do have the pain. I will check out that swing. And I think the alanon is a good idea. Thanks Amy and ICNDonna for your support (hugs)

[Betsie]

Hi there,

I hope you get the chance to see this. I didn't read everyone's response, because I truly want to respond from my heart and unfortunately ~ experience.

IC and the issues it causes in relationships is a difficult one to navigate...that being said, I could list a number of other reasons for couples to have the same issues regarding sex and intimacy, health issues included.

Without saying more than I am sure you really want to listen to, i.e: a lecture: let me say this loud and clear.

You can't make someone an Alcoholic! That is a choice they make all alone, whether it is genetic, acquired or a variety of factors, or even a combo. Trust me...I have lost both my parents to this awful disease, and nothing any of us could do could fix them. It is a long painful story, but I know far more about this disease than I wish I did.

Your guy sounds like a good guy! My Dad was the best, the smartest man I ever knew, caring and handsome, and morals that stood in our way every day as we navigated growing up. :) BUT! The one thing he couldn't conquer or write equations to straighten out was the issue of drinking, and trust me, quantity is hardly ever the issue...it is the effect and the reliance.

I am not going to tell you HOW to deal with his problem, but I am going to urge you to realize that IC isn't capable of causing this, drinking is not a substitute for intimacy and you have not single handedly caused this. My guess is the problem has been simmering for sometime.

Please don’t add more emotional baggage to an already hard to understand disease, you discredit yourself greatly when you do this. I know why you do it, as I tried to fix my family my whole life....but please learn about the reasons a person struggles with addictions before accepting responsibility for it.

I once called AA - the city chapter in my state, when I was so desperate. I spoke to an amazing man for over 3 hours...I can't begin to tell you what he taught me and how I learned to let go of my ownership of my Dad's disease.

I am guessing your b/f is young, so I do hope he gets some help with this, but do understand he really needs to want it...what you need is to understand how it affects you and why you feel the need to accept blame for it. Trust me, AGAIN, it isn't possible for you to cause this...if that were the case, we would then have the ability to CURE our loved ones too.

I will think of you and hope that the hardship of IC and how it does affect your relationship won't convince you that this is your burden to carry....all you can do is care and also take care of yourself. :kissing:

Hugs!

[ihurttoo]

I know you're worried about the lidocaine, but it isnt like a narcotic or one of those meds that makes you tired or really anything besides being numb. It is just a topical thing. I honestly couldnt ever have sex without it. I have heard good things from several on the boards about the physical therapy for the pelvic floor dysfuntion. Although I have heard it takes a while and you really have to hang with it to get results. I tried this, but was not able to tolerate it. But if you can, I think it's a great idea. I hope I didnt offend you by suggesting you kick him to the curb. I realize that these suggestions are almost always easier in theory than in application. If he is willing to go thru everything with you, and you are willing to help him thru everything as well, then you have hope of things working out. In my experiance, the time to break it off has usaully been when one person stops caring or trying to work thru the problems that arise in a relationship. If you are going to stay,(and it sounds like you are), I do think that Al-Anon could be a great source of support for you. Perhaps you can go to a few groups alone, and a few meetings together so you can get the support you need as individuals and as a couple. I almost think you should go to the meeting alone BEFORE you take him to one, that way you can gauge if he would fit in with the dynamics and personalities of the group. After all, you dont want him to go once, and hat it and never want to go to another one. That's way I would suggest you feel it out first for him, and then take him with you. I truly wish you much happiness. If you ever need a friend to lean on for support, you will have it with me. Just pm me anytime you need to talk or need a friend. I am glad I was initially wrong about my assessment of your confidence level, and that you know that you can get someone else to fullfil your expectations and needs, should you ever want to do so. I am also glad that you realize that there are options for you if you ever want to utilize them. We are here for you if you ever need support. I am sorry if I over-stepped any bounds when I wrote to you in the other post. I guess your situation just really touched me, and I was perhaps a bit too eager to offer advice, when you probobly were looking more for hugs and support. I hope I have redeeemed myself with this one. :) I truly only meant to help you and lift you up. I was just worried at first b/c the way I read it, it seemed like he had verbally stated that your IC made him drink. I am glad you clarified that, and that he hasnt said that. It is possible that you are projecting your own guilt over having IC onto the situation. We all do this sometimes. I know that I am personally guilty of this. It kind of goes with the territory. I think most of us do. But, we all have to tell ourselves that it isnt our fault and we would not fault anyone else in our own situation, and we must try not to judge ourselves harder than we would a friend who had IC. Again, my apologys if I offended you in anyway. Forgive me? Sending hugs of support your way, AMY

[loro]

I want to truly thank everyone for thier support in this matter. As of now I am staying with him I do want to try because he does not lash out at me it is more of a health issue. See I am all natural, I am doing everything in my power to change and here is this weak person whom I love kiliing himself. Now I am suposed to except that. Now my body does not tolerate yeast so I juess I will always have to wear protection and not plan on having childern with this man. IF he does not wish to get well, He says he does but they all say they do. Now it is up to him to seek therapy if he wants to. Mean while I have decided to continue to work on myself. I just hope I don't pass him by. There was a pattern this has happened twice in a row how do I not see these addictive personalities. I am no place near being addictive at all.

I do want to try to have the relationship we had in the begining it was happy and it appeared to be normal.hhahaha. IE he did not drink I am telling you i had no idea or theres no way I would have gotten into this again. The last guy went for hyposis and he did not drink but he cheated so i left anyway.I don't want to leave I just want a somewhat normal life where I am able to have sex. I think I will stick to the pelvic floor therapy because even tho the lidocane is topical it is dirived from cocaine. I know about drugs I reaserch them well. All i do is reaserch. I feel like I have gotten far in my recovery. I used to have alot more problems. I wish i could write my story but I seriously would need a dictator not olny cause I can't spell to save my life but because it would be so long I just don't have the energy to write it now. When I feel like I am in remission i will write it and I know that day will come for me. I am hopefull. I have goten my menstral cycle under control and my IBS under control, It is one thing at a time one day at a time.

I love all you women I know I could never make it with out the support you offer. :grouphug: this group means the world to me. I am going to get that swing and I will go to a group. I think I already feel better just talking about it and I don't know how to thank all of you. :X :love:
Be Well