View Full Version : Really down and can't just jump up from this on
12-10-2005, 01:43 PM
First off my hubby lives to hunt. That is is complete passion in life and his source of freedom and his alone time. My depression over whats going on with my as far as GYN history goes and my extreme bladder days has left him home taking care of things most of deer hunting season. I knowfeels let down about this a nd hurt and feels this way about anyhting that comes up that my health isn't having a public image day for. He has mastered pouting with me about this, but doesn't say anything, he goes off and slams pot and pans or load the dishwasher that he never touches unless he is made. Things like that have really been bothering me and have me wondering if I am being fair to him with my IC. Should I let him move on and have the fun he deserves. He is a young man and this really wasn't the life he married me for. Of course MY IC wasn't raging cajun then either. I told him I don't think it is fair of me to make him live his life at a young age dealing with raising kids, running my errands and pulling my head out of bed when I haven't felt like it. I told him I think maybe he needs to go enjoy his life and be the person he once was. Not the person he had to become due to me and hate that person he is now.The person he was, is nothing who he is today. I don't think it is fair that me and my disease change him to an un happy human being. I didn't get much respose from him after all was said and done. I Do appreciate that he leaves his wants on the back burner for me and stays with me when I am at my worst to be with the baby, but I still feel so bad in my heart that I amchanging the man I married into a mini nurse maid not the person he wants to be and deserves to be
12-10-2005, 02:02 PM
Remember you both married for better or wrose.
I wish I had the answers, but sadly I don't. I will say a prayer for both of you to work threw this.
It may be time to go talk someone about how you both feel this may make it easier to work threw this.
I wish you both the best.
12-10-2005, 02:10 PM
Thanks Rhonda, I just feel as if I am being selfish needing all his time to helpme when I am down instead of letting him go play in the woods. He won't leave me alone if he knows I am down and can't really deal with everything. I just feel crappy for him losing his life, when this IC crap has drained mine most days. Why should it have to ruin a healthy persons life also.
12-10-2005, 02:45 PM
I've felt that way so many times, and honestly cried and cried. Jeff tells me he wouldn't have it any other way being here with me. it wasn't my fault that life dealed me a bad hand. Nor is it yours Leslie! He loves you that is why he does stay to take care of you. He may act like a baby at times and whine, but really I don't think he would have it any other way because he does love you! You both love each other. Love will see things threw. There is always other times to go hunting just because he missed one deer doesn't mean they want be another one to come alone. However your different there is only one of you and know one can take your place.
Prayers on the way.
12-10-2005, 02:46 PM
:grouphug::grouphug: I understand those feelings...I think a lot of us have them at some point or antoher.
I feel the need to encourage you not to push him away...that may hurt him more. It isn't fair that you or he have to deal with all of this...but he loves you. He will love you even if you are apart and will be affected by this even if you are apart. I suspect he will be a lot happier if you two deal with things together. It will be better for the both of you.
This isn't your fault. You obviously love him a lot and want the best for him. Please allow him to make his own choices. He wants to be with you through this...even though that is hard for him....it would still be hard no matter where he was.
Maybe you two need to find out if loved ones in your lives can help out more so that he can get a way a little more...something that allows him to gain strength from fun so that he can come back home and love you happily. I don't know if that is possible but I pray that the two of you can get through this together...love is powerful thing...please trust it.
12-11-2005, 02:57 AM
your lives are changing together, you are not changing him.. I have learned that if he don't want to be there with you he won't be. He would go on and about his life and not care what you say to him. Sure he is crabby, and whines, and acts like a 2 year old.. its because he is a man, and he wants you to feel bad that he is stuck doing what he thinks is a womens job. He will get over it....
WE all have felt this way at some time in our lives. sending you great big :grouphug: 's and :kissing: 's Your not a bad person and you will never be... hubby just don't know how to show frustration any other way...
I am on the direct connect.. you know you can call me 24/7.
12-11-2005, 03:02 AM
Gee you are on a guilt trip it sounds like to me. Please, please do not feel sad, bad, down, guilty because you are sick and need assistance from your husband and family. Is there perhaps a girlfriend or a teenager you know or neighbor that could help with that baby? Is there perhaps a friend that could help you motivate you to get you out of the dumps and doing things again, regardless of your pain? You may need counseling for this depression you are feeling. Perhaps it is the Winter blahs?? You may need more sunshine, get outside. You CAN do things regardless of your pain. It is VERY hard I know.
12-11-2005, 03:54 AM
Here's another way to look at your life. First of all, you have a wonderful, loving husband, who is there for you through both the good and the bad times. When you tell him you think he should move on with his life instead of being stuck with you and your disease, he may see that as belittling that love. Try thinking of it this way --- what if he happened to be the one with IC --- would you even think about moving on?
Instead, let him know every day how very much you feel the love he has for you and how comforting it is to know that he will always be there for you.
If you can afford it, how about hiring a sitter to come and help you every day for a few hours so he can go hunting for a few days.
Sending warm encouraging hugs,
12-11-2005, 02:08 PM
I guess he just has that knack to make me feel really guilty when he doesn't get his way. I did break down into a hormonal cry fest and at least got his attention that I was dealing with 3 armloads of things and 1 arms was tied behind my back. Hopefully the guilt trip is over for now.
12-11-2005, 06:26 PM
Keep thanking him daily and keep telling him how much he is appreciated and valued. Keep telling your spouse and loved ones that you do love them. Keep trying to get better and to help yourself get out of this rut somehow you got yourself in. You're very lucky you have a husband that is so willing to help you out. Do not ever tell him to go leave you and go have fun and do something else, as he may feel you do not want him around and you do not want him to leave and go some place else. Besides, this is all just temporary you will improve and get better soon.
Try to find ONE thing each day that you can get done. ONE thing. Then try to get TWO things done in one day. Get the picture? Just do not sit and think of the pain and troubles you are in, as that does make one worse. Find someone worse off than yourself. That will improve your mood greatly. Try to find one person that you can help. That will help improve your mood greatly. Read a good book. Search the internet for what you are interested in learning. Find something anything that you are able to do to help someone. Help dry the dishes. Help set the table. Help wash the table. Something, anything to help out okay if it is something little. Remember you are not alone.
12-11-2005, 07:44 PM
Guilt is an ugly feeling to have when you've got so many things to deal with. The best thing you can do is to tell someone who's helping you is "I appreciate you, and what you're doing for me" and work towards healing yourself. Remember this is temporary... eventually he will be able to get to do the things he wants to do, but right now your goal is getting better and if that means he has to help you so be it, this is your time to be a little selfish.
12-12-2005, 04:02 AM
You know you have had alot going on the last couple of months, that really was not something you wanted or intend to happen. I am glad that you do have someone there to help you with all of this and not to go through it alone. When you marry it is for sickness and health and right now yours might not be the best, but that does not mean it will continue this way for the rest of your life. I am pretty sure that where it reverse you would be there for your hubby doing what needed to be done without a second thought about it. Please try not to beat yourself up right now because of what is going on. Which I know is easier said than done. But I am pretty sure when its all said and done your hubby would rather be there for you than anything else in the world. Right now he is having a hard time seeing that....I hope you feel better soon. :kissing:
12-12-2005, 08:24 AM
12-12-2005, 09:03 AM
I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. :( I do understand your sense of guilt that your illnesses have put your husband in a position where he has to be the caretaker - no one wants to be a real or perceived burden on anyone else. And men often have an especially difficult time dealing with chronic illness because they want to fix things, and IC can't be fixed. One thing I've learned is that all relationships suffer to some extent if each partner does not have their "me" time. I think it is important to acknowledge to him that you appreciate anytime he helps with errands or stays home from hunting to take care of you. Also, as the others have suggested, if you can find someone to help out or keep you company for a few hours to allow him some "me" time, you may both start to feel better. (Honestly, even getting someone to clean your house top to bottom once or twice a month will make a big difference to everyone, provided you can afford the expense.) Your two older children may be able to help out with some basic household tasks -- rinsing dinner dishes and putting them in the dishwasher, sorting or washing laundry or sweeping up.
Finally, if you are really down in the dumps, it's important for you to take care of you. Untreated depression can lead to lowered immunity, and also makes it a lot more difficult to get through the day. I hope you start feeling better soon!
My husband is an avid hunter as well, and I understand. Believe me, if he didn't love you, he would go anyway! He's choosing you over the hunting, and that's a big deal. Sure, he's going to pout...but in the end, he cares about you and you feeling better.
I think the guilt is something we ALL stuggle with. It is hard enough to deal with the sacrifices we have had to make. It's difficult to feel that your spouse is missing out on components of life. Guilt is a nasty thing. We can't control what has happened to us. I am sorry you are feeling down. Good luck and take care of yourself!
01-02-2006, 04:16 PM
Oh, Leslie. I know exactly how you feel. I feel guilty when it comes to my health a lot. We have no reason to feel that way, though. We didn't do it (get IC) on purpose! Your husband married you because he loves you - not because you had perfect health. I hope you feel better about this soon.
01-14-2006, 08:19 PM
Hang in there! Keep letting him know you have the best husband in the world and that you appreciate him. My husband of 45 years has had to deal with all my problems all these years and even with my mother living with us for the first 23 years of our marriage while he helped me take care of her! The first month after we were married, I had an extremely bad case of MUMPS. For 2 weeks he was taking complete care of me. I was only 20 years old!!
You have a special husband too, who will give up his hunting to take care of you! My husband loves hunting and has had to give it up plus many other things because of the many things always due to my health.
If it would be your husband that was in need of help with medical problems, would you hesitate to take care of him? You are his wife and the mother of his children, so you are special to him.
When I say to my husband that it isn't fair that he has to take care of me and do so many things for me, he says, "Nothing is fair. We just do what we have to do." Because of my high medical bills, he still has to work 40 hours a week and he already retired twice from 2 other jobs. He is almost 70 years old and we need the medical insurance and the money. It is true love to go back to Walmart when you have been there for 40 plus hours a week, just to take your wife shopping so she can get out of the house and pick out her own things.
God has given some of us the most special men in the world. Just by smiling at him and letting him know how important he is, accepting the ways he does things with a smile (yes, we don't normally do things the way the men do) makes his sacrifices very worthwhile.
Just do a lot of smiling. It makes you feel better and more relaxed and makes everyone around you happier! It is tough to smile with a lot of pain, though. But it is worth a try. At church, people always tell me that I always have a smile. It helps to cover up the pain, right?
Hang in there!
:) :) :kissing: :kissing:
01-14-2006, 08:35 PM
:) Leslie, I agree with every one on this thread, you are married for better or worse, sure we all have our moments, but your hubbie is choosing to stay with you, if he didn't want to, he would be gone by now... and man pout... they are good at it.
I feel guilty as well sometimes, my husbands does things for me and I feel he shouldn't have to do these things, but such is life, I would do it for him if the tables were turned.
just make sure he knows he is appreciated, we all tend to forget to say thank you sometimes, I do too, ..I'm sure things will work out,
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