Have any marriages ended over IC? :-(

[earthwriter]

Hello,
I'm in tears and feeling awful so I hope this doesn't read like jibberish. I'd like to know if anyone here has suffered a tremendous loss of their marriage ending in separation and divorce over this terrible condition, known as IC. Last night I was ready to go to sleep around 11:30 pm or so, but I had to sit on the potty for 20 minutes, partly 1/2 asleep, but also because of the usual hesitancy and discomfort - waiting until I was "done peeing", the usual evening routine frustration. Then, I hobbled to bed in tears and sleepy because my self-esteem just keeps plummeting (sp) and I asked my husband if he was tired and was gonna come to bed. His reply was "yes, in a little bit, you made me wait so I'll be there soon when I want to." He didn't look at me when he said it and he was so angry and upset. Between the awful horrendous body odor that emanates from my body because of this and the frustration that we're both enduring, I feel like I just can't cope and there are moments when I just feel like he hates me. I forgot to mention that when I first had to deal with this and I went to the nurse practitioner at the health clinic, we suspected that I had a uti, partly due to the awful odor, because odor is often associated with bacteria. But the nurse assured me that my urine test came up negative and said there was no bacteria or infection present in my urine, hence the odor was associated with something other than an infection. I know he doesn't, he just hates this condition that's plagued my life. But the toll its taken on our marriage and my life and my self-esteem, there are moments like last nite where I just wonder if I'll be able to get out of bed and face my day. :(

My husband really cannot take this condition any more after more than 3 years of it and he's considering a separation from me. He doesn't want a divorce or to go our separate ways any more than I do, but he's frustrated, angry, disgusted with the awful odor and the way it's consumed my life...he's hurting a lot very deeply! I'm doing what I can to get help from some trained licensed therapists online - I don't have the means to go see a therapist at this time and it would be too far to drive to see one if I did. I'm also talking to my angels and asking for their help with this. Has anyone else gone through a painful divorce or separation because of this awful painful disease? I feel very alone and I don't know what to do. I really need to talk to someone and I need some support. I need a dear kind caring friend. Okay, here come the tears so I better stop.

Thank you for listening,
from my anguished heart,
Earthwriter :'-(

[icjen]

I know IC has been very difficult to deal with in my marriage as well. Mostly because of the painful sex. My husband sometimes can become very short with me if I tell him that I don't want to have sex. Although during, he is very compassionate about how I'm feeling. He thinks that I don't want to be with him, when I actually just don't want be in pain. I wish you the best with your marriage. I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. Have you been tested for a yeast infection yet? :grouphug:
Jen

[Babs RN]

Earthwriter,
IC has caused major problems in our marriage, most as a result of communication breakdown and in law over involvement. If you need to vent, feel free, or if you want you may e mail me or PM as well. Please do not be intimidated by people who accuse you of being inappropriate for looking for support, as long as you are not using identifying things that distinguish you(only because I have learned the hard way in the same situation where I was very conservative about the details I gave and had someone go after me). My hubby and his family choose to not to involve themselves in any aspect of this illness which makes it a very negative environment for me. Please let me know how I can help, ok?

Hugs,
Barb :kissing: :grouphug:

[Katrina]

:grouphug::grouphug: Your not a lone. Many have had IC have a major effect on their relationships. Finances from medical bills and not being healthy enough to work the way you used to, too much pain to do the things you used to...the effect can be huge I know it. It sounds to me like you understand well that this is very hard for him too...I think that is vital in making it through. You may want to consider seeing a Church counselor or something. :grouphug:

[liznazz]

Unfortunately, for me IC did cause the end of my 22 year marriage. However, my ex is a very selfish man and sex was at the top of his "priority list". Within 4 months of being diagnosed with IC, he was having an affair, and decided he was in love with this other woman. It has been 8 months since my divorce and he is still with her. On the other hand, there are many husbands that seem to be extremely understanding as I read different posts on the boards here. For me, even though it is a difficult loss, I feel less stressed and at peace knowing that I don't have to argue everyday about the pressures of not having sex. IF this is the most important thing in a marriage, than the marriage is not worth saving. I'm not saying sex is not important, but it can't be the #1 reason to base a relationship on. Unfortunately for me, that was the problem. I wish you the best of luck, and if there is anything I can "talk" to you about, please email me at liznazz@aol.com. liz

[ICNDonna]

Facing difficult issues tends to either make a marriage stronger, or just the reverse. I know of one marriage that failed due to the loss of a child --- the couple just couldn't seem to come together to face that loss.

I do think seeing a marriage counselor would be a good idea. I know there are some which charge very little.

Donna

[Sunflower2]

I am sorry for the situation. I know how IC affects relationship tremendously.
I agree with Katrina. See a church conselor. I know how frustrating it is to deal with IC every day. I finally got my diagnosis for my IC for a couple of month ago after 6, 7 years of severe pain. My husband and I went through a lot because of it, but he didn't leave me. We still struggle with it, but we are trying. Don't give up.

[ibtracy]

Hi there. I know what you mean about IC taking a huge toll on a marriage or relationship. Everyone on here knows that it's caused a great deal of problems for me, we've threatened eachother with divorce I couldn't tell you how many times. I too have the smelly urine issue and my hubby accused me of "smelling" right before family functions humiliating me to the point of not attending social events. For months he just didn't get the whole "ic thing". We've had some pretty drag out fights about me being in pain and he thinks it's a convenient excuse to get out of attending social events. Then like others have said there's the issue of sex, it hurts like hell, he says he doesn't like making love to me because I cry afterwards or because it causes me immense pain. A close friend of mine (another ic-er) gave him some personal advice on what to do before and after to make it a more pleasant experience and until recently he's never taken her advice. IC has about made us split or divorce I don't know how many times - I know what you're going through and have experienced alot of what you've talked about as well as others that have replied to you.

Recently it has gotten better and he has become more understanding and defensive on my part.

Dealing with a chronic illness is tough especially when it causes as many side effects as IC does. Counseling is an excellent idea no matter what the cost or how tough it may be to attend. We've gone to marriage counseling in the past and it really helped him to understand how hard it is for me to get through just a normal (if you can call it that) day. I know how tough it is to muster up enough energy to go to the sessions and how exhausting it feels to deal with the stuff that comes up and learn to understand what one another goes through.

My best advice and I give this to you from the bottom of my heart because I feel so badly for you and sad for your current situation is to take things ONE DAY AT A TIME and nothing more. I've had IC for over a year and I still only take things ONE DAY AT A TIME. Some times that in itself is a task to accomplish.

I hope some of this makes sense and if you EVER want anyone to talk about, send me a private message and I'll give you my personal email address. I think the more people you can seek support from and what better place to get it than the ICN because everyone here is so supportive and willing to offer friendship and kind words. Let me know if you want to email me or we could even set up a time to chat online. I guarantee you're not alone here in your feelings, I think at some point in time, we've all experienced this type of situation.

I wish you luck. Sending you a huge cyber hug :grouphug:!
Love,
Tracy

[traceann]

Hello Earthwriter, I agree with the rest, I think we have all been there at some point. And in my personal experience it was when I myself was trying to cope with diagnosis and just plain deal with all that comes along with it. My hubby had his own sadness, frustrations etc. I have said it before, with the way IC can affect us -- it affects both and in a way, equally. We feel the pain, they have to watch the people they love in pain. Sometimes I think that's harder than being the one dealing with the pain....

I also think some kind of counseling is needed. Sounds like you are both in over your heads and could really benefit from it. I know sometimes communication can break down so badly, that without a neutral party mediating etc, it can be difficult to get things back on track. But it can be done. :)

The idea of a church counselor is a great one -- especially cost wise. And you don't necessarily have to agree with the particular faith or be a participant (depends on the church etc), but most of them are trained in helping marriages, dealing with illnesses etc. And either charge a donation to the church or a very nominal fee -- or even nothing depending on the person/church etc.

I hate to see you two both suffering - as to me it sounds like that is exactly what's happening, when there could be a light at the end of the tunnel. Just on some off-note, have you tried putting your feelings down on paper in a letter to your husband? Sometimes that's easier than talking about it, as you can take the time to figure out just what you want to say, and how you want to say it. (I can have a tendancy in my frustration sometimes to say things I never meant to, or not explaining myself well enough so that now that too becomes a part of the whole mess I was trying to straightend out ;) ) Just an idea that has worked well for me in the past, as it gave me time to sit down, get it out and then go over it to make sure it's delivering the message I want to. You have time to re-work it and refine it -- vs just blurting something something out in the heat of the moment etc.

Hugs to you!!!!

[mayray518]

I can sure understand even a wonderful marriage having major problems because of IC. I was single when I got diagnosed but my relationships with my sisters took a big turnaround and has been the same since. They did not believe me in 1992, offered no support and now, even though they know all the facts about IC, one became a nurse, have offered no apology. I had good friends that got me through it but not family. I feel wonderful now with elavil and now all the doubting St. Thomases want to come around and say "Oh I feel so bad for you." ICers need help when they have are suffering daily from the disease. At least there is more information on the internet and a medicine that is specifically used for the disease (elmiron) so we have established it as a "disease." The toll it puts on you and chronic pain is another story. That is just impossible to explain to someone who has never felt it. The chronic pain of feeling like the rest of your life will be that way is so horrible. I was bedridden for 5 years and an now feeling great and it can turn around. Good luck to you!!!!!

[csocain]

Earthwriter, IC is hard on both in marriage, but with God's help it is possible to get beyond those difficulties. Good communication is essential. I'm praying that you find the help that you need in the midst of your frustration and pain. Blessings of hope, grace, and peace to you and your husband. If you need to talk, please feel free to pm me.

[Briza]

We're not married yet, but engaged, and the onset of IC 4 months into our relationship has been a real struggle. There have been times when I've cried, "If you don't think you're going to be able to deal with this, then leave." I'm lucky he's still here.
I have to agree with the others, communication is probably the most important thing, and, of course, having a sympathetic and supportive partner. We're still working on the communication part, and hopefully that will lead to more support.

[mela414]

My hubby met me when I was sick so he never really new the "healthier" me. We got married when I was sick and it's been a daily struggle to achieve some amount of wellness. I have other health problems besides IC and it really takes it's toll. there are day that I cry and don't leave the house. There are days that I want to end it all as I cannot take much more but he is always there for me endcouraging me or just listening to me vent (except when there is a hockey game on TV).
There are days that I want out of the marriage because of the overwhelming guilt I feel in burdening him with all this. I guess it's me just wanting to run away from it all!
Thank god we go to therapy both together and separately which helps to keep us focused and also gives us a place to really open up and say how we feel or speak about things that are on our minds.
I did the same thing with my hubby when we got engaged. I told him that I would give him 3 months to really think about what he was getting into and if he changed his mind I would understand. It's 8 years later and he is still here.

[TexasHoney]

Hello, Earthwriter. :grouphug: I am sorry to hear you are having such a rough time.I would say that IC was a major factor in my marriage breaking up. I was the picture of health when me married in 1999. My IC symtoms started in early 2000 and sex became dificult by the summer of 2001. We divorced in Sept 2002. It wasn't so much pain during sex but the next day I would feel like someone was stomping on my bladder. There were other factors such as my ex-husbands drinking and a few other things but IC was probably the #1 factor in him wanting out. His drinking was why I wanted out.The drinking seemed to increase as I began to avoid sex. I suggest that you seek counseling. Looking back I sure wish we would have.

Hang In There and Best Wishes
TexasHoney

[lujean51]

Dear Earthwriter,

I have spent the last year wanting to jump ship on my marriage. Now we are trying again. I avoided sex so successfully for years because of the pain that came afterwards that we got together only once or twice a year for the past 7 years. Now that I am beginning to understand IC, I see why I have had these symptoms. We have seen two therapists, but I'm tired of trying. I love him as a person and a friend. It's hard. Good luck.