Can't handle this anymore

[SandyRN]

Some of you might have noticed I've not been online much at all lately. I owe phone calls, I owe emails, and I miss my friends.

I've had such a hard, hard time lately that I'm beginning to think I'm going to have to get on an antidepressant that wont give me all those nasty side effects--and the only one I've taken that was side effect free was wellbutrin......

Anyway, my apologies to all of my friends I've just seemingly disappeared from. I have just had my fill of crap lately. I've had that bladder infection, the urethral spasms, the problems with the instills, and getting the instill meds and caths.....then I just all round felt like crap :(

I wrote about a fibro flare that thanks to Cindy I now realize is a myofacial pain flare instead. I thought it was gone and I was getting over it til I tried to sit here and catch up on the posts I've missed from the people I care so deeply about.

Now it's coming back and my muscles are beginning to spasm again, and I've got that twitchy, jumpy feeling, and from my legs up, the spasms have begun again. It's depressing, to say the least.

I got a letter from the home health care company, the one that I HAD A job with, then didn't have a job with because they finally realized AFTER they hired me and I had orientation that I hadn't worked since 2001...it was a thanksgiving card, thanking me for my service. It broke my heart. I can't get a job. My rx bills are racking up, and I'm so sad in general and dont know what to do.

I've got an appt with a PFD pt on the 14th, so that ought to be interesting, then I just made an appt with my GP for the 16th to talk about the increasing fibro/mps symptoms, and the depression as well as to get my triglyceride level checked. THAT blows my mind too because I don't eat badly, I'm not fat, but I have levels that can literally kill me.......all this at 41.

I had an emotional breakdown with my bf the other night and he just held me, and I love him so much for that. I cant understand why he loves me or wants me---I'm just a blob of sick, who would want THAT? Well he does apparently and that made me feel better---but I want to be who I used to be. A thriving young mother with a great job she loved.......who am I now?

[dancemomof2]

Sandy,

I know how you feel right now, all I have managed to do this week is cry or lay around. I have never really been a depressed person until Monday adn my appointment at the GYN. I literally have no positive thoughts this week, I am filled with "what if's". I kow if I would stop that I may feel better.

I would love to have a melt fown on hubby, but he just can't seem to understand why I feel so crappy, therefore I have kinda shut down to him. If it hadn't been for Barb and Cindy, I probably would have lost my mind up until now. I am so glad your bf let you melt on him, that helps alot.

i am here if you need me, as I know how you feel right now.

[emilyrose197377]

I am sorry for what you are going through. I understand what you are going through I am on emotional meltdown myself . If you need me I am here . I am sending hugs.


:grouphug:

[poetgirl]

Hi Sandy,

I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult, painful time. Maybe the antidepressants will help you get through the worst of things -- it's worth a shot. Hopefully some of your other health problems will settle down soon too. You are very lucky that your bf is loving and understanding. You are a good person, not a blob of sick, and things will get better in time. You are still you inside, even though your body and certain aspects of your life are not cooperating with you right now.

:grouphug:

[SandyRN]

Ok, y'all have done it, now I'm crying again. Leslie, I really appreciate you taking the time to write me when I know you are in your own private h*ll right now. If you EVER want to call me, I'd be happy to pm you my number, or Barb has it (if she hasnt deleted it by accident again, lol) :) Thank you!!

Kim, thanks for the note. I know you're not feeling well either and I hope you feel better soon, and that the interstim helps you!!

poetgirl, thank you so much for saying I'm a good person. I just don't feel like ME anymore. I feel like a sick, complainer who can barely get off the couch anymore, and it makes me very sad. Maybe some sort of antidepressant will help......I sure hate the idea of paying for another RX, but this one is almost mandatory right now.

Hugs to all of you......thank you very much!!!

[dyno]

Sandy, I am so sorry you are feeling bad. Be sure to get that antidepressant if you need it for awhile. I am really a little scared too of what I am going to find for a job when I am able to look for one. It is tough out there, but you hang in there and I am sure something will work out. Thank goodness your boyfriend is so understanding.

[SharonA]

Sandy...sending you a huge (((((HUG)))))

[tigger_gal]

sending you big hugs

[amber sevy]

Sandy sweetheart,
You are not your IC!!!! You are a sweet and loving person. At times when I am down I ask my Husband why he puts up with me and his answer is just that "Amber you are not your IC. Please get Help form your Dr. if you need it that is what he is there for. Sandy please don't beat yourself up over things that you can not cahnge :headbang: I will keep you in my thougths and prayers. I also know when I am down commoing to this site always gives me hope to go on. :grouphug:

[ICNDonna]

It's pretty clear to me from these boards exactly who and what you are. You are a very sweet, caring person, who has happened to run into a huge snag in your life. Hopefully, one day very soon, you will find the right combination to help you feel better.

As others have said, you are not IC.

I'm glad you have someone special who sees you and loves you for who and what you are. And sometimes crying is a wonderfully comforting thing and tension reliever.

Sending gentle hugs (and tissues),
Donna

[SandyRN]

I don't know what to say. You all have said the kindest, sweetest things that anyone has said to me in a very long time. Coming here definately does have a positive effect on me, in more ways than one.

Just knowing you all are here and that you understand is one reason, and knowing that maybe I can help someone through times like I'm going through and have gone through before is great therapy.

Thank you all so much......Donna, I definately need the tissues!

[Katrina]

:love: Sandy, I am so sorry things are going so badly. You will be in my prayers. :pray: :love: :grouphug:

[traceann]

Hey Princess! You know you owe no apologies, there is absolutely nothing you have done to apologize for, so don't you worry that gorgeous red head of yours, ok? It's not your fault you have been feeling crappy, it's the name of the game chickie and I think we all understand that! So, and this is an order...You take all the time you need to get back on your feet..er, butt so you can chat it up with us, gotta tell you I miss you!!! No point in making yourself miserable feeling guilty like you gotta be here or we'll be mad, lol. We all know how it is to be feeling cruddy and just not up to it.

And um, hello, you can come here and whine and complain any old time! We play fair here and we ALL get a turn!! :)

Feel better, and don't be shy about asking for the antidepressant! I was hestitant at first, felt crazy and silly asking for it, but that was just nuts. Doc was very cool and very understanding when I explained how I was feeling and wanted to give it a shot to see if something could help me with my anxieties. Must be working, I have been on a roll here lately, lol.

Take care! And feel better and here's lots of hugs!!! :) least

[Silverfern]

((Sandy))

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad right now. I hope you find some relief very soon. Sending you huge ((hugs)) and warm comforting thoughts.

Hugs
Lynne

[mayray518]

I isolated myself for years after diagnosis from IC as well. I noticed that friends disappeared because they "got sick of hearing of the same old thing" all the time and at this time there was no internet, so I know what you are going through. I got IC at 37 and feel fine now but I feel like a whole decade of my life was wiped out. The only people that understand it are other ICers or others who have chronic pain. I hope you find something to work for you and get your life back.

[Morgana]

Sandy,

Tracey and I were only talking yesterday about how we all occasionally take 'a walk on the darkside'. It does take a while, but you do come out the other side.

I know you don't know me well, but I am here if you would like to talk, vent, or yell.

Love and hugz

Mo
xxx

[dyno]

Sandy, I wanted to add, get the soft brand that has the lotion in it for the tissues! Take it from someone who should have stock in the company after the summer I have had. Crying is so beneficial and we all know what a great person you are, you do a fabulous job on here and I know you would be a wonderful person based on that.

[SandyRN]

Everyone, thank you so much. I do feel a bit better this morning. I have no choice, the kids are coming home any minute and I have to take my daughter to her horseback riding lesson---while it's 38 degrees outside! ACK!

The muscular thing is still trying to sneak up on me, but I keep taking my soma on a regular basis, making the intervals in between doses much closer than my normal 4 times a day. I don't have any choice or I'll be in that crazy whole body spasm I was in the other night.

I can't tell you all how much I appreciate the kind words, and the info on the tissues :) You guys all mean so much to me here and I don't know what I'd do without you all.

[Babs RN]

I actually wrote your phone numbers down on real paper so I wouldn't delete them again. I hope you're doing ok, I'm worried about you kiddo. If you need to vent, I am here ok?

Hugs,
Barb :grouphug:

[SandyRN]

Barb, ya know I was teasing :) Thanks, and I'm here for you if ya need me too....I see your m-i-l is at it again, big time.

I don't think being out in the cold did me any good this morning because on the way home the spasms were getting bad all over again, I came home, drank some hot tea and washed down 1 1/2 soma, which seemed to ward it off for a bit. This is getting a bit old :(

[patricia1]

Sandy it seems from all of your encourageing support to others that you are a wonderful and beautful person. Sometimes it gets the best of all of us. And I am sure everyone understand and will always be there for you. I just wanted to throw my prayers your way and here is a :grouphug:

[mare mare]

Sandy, I want you to know there are times when I have the same feelings. I believe it does me good to have a good cry sometimes. (I feel better after anyway.) I wish we could get together and have some coffee and some good laughs!! Just know that you're not alone. I'm having a flare right now. It really helps to vent!
You seem to have a wonderful bf!! Lucky, Lucky, woman you are!!

Hang in there!
I will pray for you!!

[vm]

Aw, Sandy. :( I am just now seeing this. I'm sorry you have been dealing with so much lately. Sounds like you are feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. No wonder you are feeling tired and depressed.

I know before I went on an antidepressant 2 years ago I really fought the idea. I thought, "I already take 7 pills a day!!!!!" But then I realized it was silly not to take care of this so I could get back to feeling more like me. I hope if you believe in your gut that you may need to try an antidepressant again that you'll go ahead and do it. :kissing:

[SandyRN]

Thank you all so much. I've been AWOL for a bit again....feeling sorta on the cruddy side again lately, but mentally I'm doing a lot better. I'm not sure, but I think MAJOR pms had something to do with my breakdown, as well as total frustration over my symptoms and my pain.

Went to the GP yesterday and he gave me yet another muscle relaxer to try..Skelaxin. I'd taken it when I was first dx'd with fibro and it didn't help me much at all.....we shall see, this is a higher dose pill now...and I've got samples so I don't have to pay for yet another RX right now.

I appreciate all of the replies. They mean a lot to me and really helped get me through those darkest days.

Hugs to you all......Sandy