Frustrated...

[tanster]

I feeling really silly posting this, I don't know what else to do. Just had a big blow up with my husband over something really small, but I just feel so frustrated (with myself primarily)...

This morning a friend of his from out of town called and wanted to get together. While he was on the phone, I mouthed to him that I didn't want anyone over this evening as the house is a mess. I planned to clean up this evening as we are having guests tomorrow. He told his friend he would meet him for dinner at a local restaurant. This afternoon, my husband called his friend and left a message for him to meet at our place and they would head out to dinner from here. I got upset because I specifically asked for him not have anyone here this evening. He was angry because he thinks I'm being ridiculous and people aren't judging us on the house, but what I can't seem to make him understand that the state of the house is just another thing that makes me feel like a failure. We moved here about a year ago, but a lot of stuff is still in boxes and we have very little furniture because I'm too exhausted to get around to organizing/decorating and often I'm too tired to clean up (we have a cleaning lady that comes in monthly but obviously it gets dirty in between her visits). My husband does all the cooking, so cleaning is my domain. Looking around the house just makes feel like it's yet another thing that I haven't done... just feel like a big loser...

My husband has been hugely supportive and goes far above and beyond what anyone could reasonably expect a partner to do in terms of being helpful. I admit that I have poor time management skills (tend to procrastinate) and could be more efficient, so it's not all IC related, in terms of the to-do list not getting done. Sometimes I just veg in front of the TV or surf the net aimlessly just to get my mind off things instead of doing things that would reduce my to-do list (and therefore my stress level). So it's my own fault I haven't made more progress on things I want to get done. I just wish I could make him understand that this disease has undermined my confidence and I feel insecure/stressed about a lot of things I didn't care at all about before -- I'm not purposely being anti-social. He's very social and I feel guilty for curbing our social life. I have no problems whatsoever with him spending as much time as he wants out with friends (I actually go too fairly often). I just can't deal with having people over frequently, it stresses me out. He doesn't know why as he handles the cooking etc and I can't seem to explain it to himself in a way that he can understand...

Part of this is probably the way I was raised. My parents were quite formal about entertaining and my mom would probably rather die than have people over when her house was messy (which was close to never!). He grew up in another country where having people drop by all the time was normal and I think he really misses that. I get the feeling he's starting to resent me as this is something I just don't want at this point. I just feel like if the point is to spend time with friends then going out with them should be just as good. I can understand wanting to reciprocate the hospitality when we've gone to someone's house for dinner, but otherwise, it seems like a lot of unneeded stress when the majority of our friends socialize primarily at restaurants anyway. I just feel like I'm not able to make him happy on this front at this point.

Does this make any sense? Sorry for rambling about such a small thing... just needed to get this off my chest and thought maybe some of you might have some advice for me....

[tigger_gal]

hugs to you.. and yes it makes sense... I finally started telling people if you come to visit me don't look at my house.... sometimes I just can't so it, so it don't get done....
you'll get it all done in your time and the only one you need to please is you..
hope you feel better soon.

[Dixiefireball]

I'm so sorry hon, and I do understanding what your saying here. it really sounds like depression and you should see a doctor so they can help you deal with this. They can give you some antidepressant medicine. That may work it did for me. However I don't take them no longer, but during the holidays season i should.
talk to your husband about the way your feeling and call and make appointment with your primary doctor to help you.

I can't stand for people to come over my house when I'm having a bad IC day because the only work that gets done here is what my husband does, and he just can't or want do the jobs around the house that i normally do.
Sending you prayers and hugs know we are here for you, and please let us know if you go to the doctor and if it helps. it may take some time getting use to an anti-depression medicine or it may take few times changing the meds to get it right but i believe once you get on the anti. meds you should feel better in no time.

[dancemomof2]

I understand I hate it when hubby does that to me. I have 3 kids and 4 dogs in my home, it isn't dirty by no means just lived in. With a baby in the living room doing most of his playing things tend to look alot worse then they really are. If i am having a bad bladder day he is gated in here with me and do are all his toys that keeps us both happy. All I ask is a phone call to pick up some of the mess before hand, I hate to have company come in and see the toy explosion .Then there are the 4 fur balls that have been in the house all day wet dirty etc, MEN have no clue that this is a major frustraion to us as woman with an illness. i am one who goes nuts when someone anyone might see my house unattened.

[Babs RN]

My hubby is notorious for doing that. He'll call from work and say so and so are coming over for dinner(and call me in the afternoon). It really stunk when I worked full time because most of my errands were left to my days off, and the house was usually a wreck after I word a stretch. My mom's house is impeccable and everything is white so I usually get the "Ok, so you have this IC thing. How can your mom be so compulsively clean and you don't even come close? God forbid I ask someone over at the last minute, then I am cutting into his down time. I absolutely can empathize with alot of your feelings.

Hugs,
Barb :grouphug:

[karen10300]

I sure do understand what you are saying and where you are coming from. I think we women see the way the house looks as a reflection on ourselves. There have been many times lately when I don't want anyone over because of how my house looks. It takes alot out of us when we are feeling bad to get anything done around the house. When I have a day off of work I try to pick one thing out the night before that I want to try to accomplish the day that I am off of work. That way I seem to get up with that on my mind and have a better possibility of actually accomplishing it. It sure doesn't happen all the time because if I'm feeling bad I end up just doing nothing and trying to rest so I will feel better. But sometimes just setting small goals makes it easier to deal with.

[traceann]

Amen Ladies!! I agree, I think to us women, even as old-fashioned as it sounds, view the state of our domains, lol, as a reflection on us personally. I know I do! And it sucks LMAO! I think it's hard enough to keep up with housework just working during the week, add IC or other equally challenging disease, and it becomes darn near impossible sometimes.

I still have wedding gifts all in my living room from a couple weeks ago...problem is I have more stuff than places to put stuff, lol. But it starts to wear on me, and I end up getting the guilts that I "should" be doing x, y or z. Then I get depressed and it seems overwhelming on top of everything eles, ugh. Then the "why bothers" set in...it a vicious circle...

Not to mention I had one girlfriend (and I use the term loosely) who used to make "comments". One time she popped over, and made the comment "oh, I should come over and clean your house for you!" Huh? And another time, I offered her a Coke and she thought about it for a minute then replied "sure, I guess cat hair can't get in the refrigerator" HUH??? By NO means was my house dirty (never dirty, just cluttered, ack!), just remembering it drives me nuts. Due to a disagreement over how laundry was folded (I am serious, lol) my ex husband used to do his own laundry and I did my own. I had NO problem with that at all...well, she thought that was just horrible. I was not taking care of my husband, yeah, ok. One morning he got dressed in the dark, got to work and realized he had on one white sock, and one black sock. He and I had a really good laugh over that. I was relating the story to her, and her reply was "oh that would have never happened if I was doing his laundry!" I felt like saying, fine do it then! LOL But as much as I knew she was full of it, it still stung me -- and this was before IC and all, I felt slightly like a failure... ugh.

So, yep I can understand all about how we girls feel about our houses and the various states of disaster they can be in and which level of disaster is appropriate for visitors! At a defcon 5, no way it's lock the door, turn out the lights and hide if someone knocks!! LMAO!!!!

Hugs! :)

[tanster]

Thank you guys so much for the kind words of support! It's taken me a few days to write back as I had been travelling for work. It is such a relief to know that someone out there understands and that I wasn't just being really anal!! I guess men see the world a little differently. They just assume that if you are friends with someone, they aren't judging you no matter what nor would they care if someone was judging them on something as mundane as the degree of clutter in your house. Tigger, you are right that at the end of the day, the only one we have to please is ourselves - I think for most women while we know that on a mental level, it's very difficult to internalize that and live by that. Maybe that is something we can learn from our significant others? Not to stereotype, but I think this might come more naturally to men.

Dixie, I have a uro appt for a 2nd opinion in two weeks and I will ask about depression or make an appt w/my primary care dr if we don't get to it at the uro appt. To be honest though, I am very scared to open up that discussion. I remember that last year I had an appt with a dr I was seeing for chronic pain and at our 5th or 6th appt, I cried. She was really surprised since I seemed really optimistic at our previous appts and I was so embarrassed. I also remember that my pelvic pain PT once telling me that she thought the fact that I was so "cheerful" was both positive and negative. Positive, obviously, because one's attitude can play a huge part in healing, but negative because she thought that the doctors might not have been realizing the extent of the disruption this disease is causing me. How lame am I that I feel pressure to be upbeat for a dr's appt so I don't bum them out? I must really be whack.

This is sort of funny in a wierd way now that I think about it. While he is fine now thank god, my dad had a severe heart attack in May at 5 am. After telling my mom to call the ambulance, he then walked downstairs and got his keys together etc. My mom asked him later why he walked downstairs and he said that he didn't want to trouble the paramedics by making them carry him down on a stretcher (he's only 155 lbs)! Then at the emergency room on the operating table when they were trying to re-start his heart, he was apologizing to the dr for making him wake up early to operate! We all (including the dr) thought he was really insane to be worrying so much about everyone around him including the trained professionals who deal with this every day, but maybe I'm a bit like that too, just hadn't really realized it.

I also think that maybe I have been in denial about the whole IC thing for a long time though I have been putting up with the symptoms for years. I was actually first diagnosed in 2001 but I hadn't told a lot of my friends about it (thinking they wouldn't understand or that it would go away) and I was really reluctant to identify myself as person with a health condition, so I think I am going through a tough spot trying to accept this as an ongoing part of my life. One of my close friends and I had a long chat about this for the first time just recently and she told me that she thought I was so bottled up about this that I was not only preventing myself from having an outlet but also withdrawing from friends as a result. Sighhhhhhh. So much to think about.

Once again, I really appreciate the support I have gotten from this board. While I feel horrible knowing that others are suffering from this crazy mysterious disease, it is nice that we have manage to connect with one another and try to make sense of it.