I'm in pain with a painful delicate issue...*sigh* *in tears*

[earthwriter]

Okay supportive friends,
Since you encouraged me with love and care to share what's troubling me and causing so much anguish & heartache heartbreak in my life, I"m doing so. Thank you for not judging or criticizing and just being supportive and understanding with me in my pain. I hope this all makes sense. I cried a lot more tnite! I'm really just not sure what to do at this point. I'm also talking with my dear online close friend about this and asking for her advice as well. She feels very sad for my sorrow and feels bad that I'm suffering so much. I know he doesn't want to lose me and my friendship...He is making efforts with me to resolve this and help me feel better and heal from my awful anguish and pain! I wrote an email letter about my pain and how he hurt me. This was originally part of my previous message post about my estranged marriage so it sounds like it's an interruption or something, anyway, here goes...

On top of it, I made a painful huge mistake. A year ago I met a kind wonderful dear friend online via the Internet in an online chat room where like-minded kindred spirits would meet and talk and get to know each other. Long story short, 1 of these kind lovely souls was a sweet caring man 6 years younger than me who lives in France and we developed a very close dear friendship. Over the next several months, we discovered that we shared many common interests and ideals and we became the best of friends. What pained me and scared me of the possibility their being electronic interruptions is the fact that our only means of contact is email, online chat, snail mail, and phone conversations. I was in a very vulnerable stressful time in my life living in a very toxic environment where sleep deprivation and severe stress made it virtually impossible to function at all, let alone be employed in any way. I followed my heart instead of my head and I allowed myself to get emotionally involved & attached to this person.

At first my husband didn't have a problem with our relationship because he knew the pain I was in and the importance of sharing camaraderie with a kindred spirit who I felt safe and comfortable talking to and my husband talked with him at times too. Then, a little more time passed and our situation had become far worse and our family was starting to assist us a bit financially to leave that awful toxic place so we could relocate to a more peaceful healthier environment. The stress increased and my marriage became more estranged. I didn't want to admit it, but I preferred to talk with this male friend more than talking with my husband and I told my husband this a few times. What I didn't want to admit was that I'd fallen in love with this guy and that scared me so much! I couldn't imagine falling out of love with my wonderful dear kind husband and falling in love with another male, especially someone who lives so far away!

Over the next several months of being on our harsh journey...much further north from where we moved...my marriage became more estranged. I began to miss my dear male friend so much I cried and felt very sad. My heart ached feeling a longing to be with him and talk with him and meanwhile my partner and I were bickering more and we had really grown sick of each other. There had been times that I wanted to tell my husband what I was going through and the confusing difficult emotions and feelings I was going thru, but with the crisis we were in, not knowing where we were going and not having anyone to turn to and afraid of his reaction, I didn't dare say anything. So, I let fear keep me from being honest with myself and him. Several months later, due to financial strain and mechanical problems with our RV, we had to "land" in this toxic inexpensive "cheap" campground and pay for monthly rent with hook-ups.

After talking with my husband 1 afternoon about his feeling sexually deprived and our both feeling unhappy with each other, but not wanting a divorce, he broached the idea of an "open marriage" and we even talked about the possibility of going our separate ways at some point. He wanted to see if my feelings were real for this guy and the fool idiot that I was I "went for it" and told the guy how I felt. I really wish I'd never developed any feelings for this person because I had actually felt and explored the insane possibility of ending my marriage to be with this guy who'd I'd never met and may never meet. It's complicated and confusing and insane and believe me I didn't gain anything from this.

For a time, we enjoyed an online romance and rather than deal with and face the problems and painful issues I've been having with my partner, I allowed this so-called "love romance thing" to continue and all I have left to show from it is a painful broken heart - he's with someone else now and feels terrible remorse for hurting me - more estrangement with my partner because I don't know how to talk with him about the way I feel + as if that wasn't bad enough, our dear beloved kitty who we loved dearly became very sick, suffered a lot from our bickering and negativity and now he's gone! He died a month ago and we both miss him terribly. I'm sorry I wrote so much here...I didn't intend or expect to, but I guess I do need to let it out and share how I feel...

My self-esteem has suffered, our sex life has pretty much taken a "back seat" and I"m really not sure where we're going from here. My husband and I do not have children. I"m not frigid and I'm not anti-sex or pleasure, but I'm severely wounded from this stupid relationship and I feel like I've regressed. This guy and I did share some special moments together and while I am trying not to, I regret sharing so much and becoming so close with him intimately and sensually...I don't feel comfortable elaborating right now...I think I should stop writing now before I say something stupid...I've been feeling mixed feelings because we did indeed have a wonderful close friendship...He is trying to make amends with me and repair the damage he's caused...I just feel so hurt and confused...and I feel like I'm crazy or something and I've felt very stupid at times, but I don't know...I just really need a caring friend right now...and a shoulder and kind ear!

Thank you for listening,
from my anguished heart,
Earthwriter

[VickiB]

I'm sorry you're going through this! It sounds like an extremely confusing time for you right now. As humans, we often make mistakes or end up in situations where in hind-sight we wish we hadn't gone! I know I have! I try to remember that we have no way to change the past, but we can shape the future! It really does sound like you might benefit from finding a good counsellor who you could trust, and try to work through all this. I wish I could be more helpful to you. I can tell you're in so much pain and my heart aches for you!

Hugs,
Vicki

[ICNDonna]

Please see a counselor --- and make the appointment today. You need qualified professional help. Once you begin to sort your feelings out, with some guidance, you'll be able to see your life in a different light.

Sending encouraging hugs,
Donna

[tigger_gal]

I agree with Donna... I really believe it will help you greatly.

[Sarojini]

Definitely agree with Donna. It sounds like you are in a very confused, difficult time -- and a counselor is qualified to help you sort it out. You can go on your own for a while, and then perhaps in time you can take your husband with you if you feel you want some help repairing that relationship and dealing with the issues IC and everything else has raised between the two of you. Good luck and I am hoping for the best for you :grouphug:

[traceann]

Oh earthwriter, I was almost in tears reading your story. How hard it all must be on you, and it sounds like it is taking quite a toll. As Vicki said, you can't change the past, but you can change the future and shape it the way you would like it to be. We have all made mistakes, as I have said, I can even to this day make myself feel horrible for things I have done in highschool, (like breaking my first love's heart terribly).

But I have to agree with the other ladies, I think a counselor would be a wonderful thing for you!! They can help you sort through the emotions, and when you are at a point where you can see where you want to be, and then maybe you can include your hubby. You have so much weighing on you, you need someone who can help give you the tools to help you get a handle on it, and get where you want to be.

I went when my first marriage was in trouble. It started out as couple's therapy as I said, but after 1 session - the ex deemed us "fine", yeah, ok, lol. I kept going. I would probably still be going (had to end it due to financial difficulties), as I loved it. She helped me sooooo very much to figure "me" out, who I was and why I made some of the choices I did, why I reacted to things the way I did, and how to handle things the way I really wanted to, instead of just doing things to please everyone else -- which would make me miserable. I never took emotional care of me. She helped with that, and to this day I am a much better "Tracey", more true to myself. She also helped me deal with the people who were hurtful in my life, (besides the ex) that I never realized were hurting me. It was subtle things, that looking back now, I can see were definitely not in my best interest...people taking advantage of me when I was in a very vulnerable state, etc. But danged if I couldn't see it at the time. But I can now, that's for sure.

Obviousy you are a very loving, kind and sensitive soul, and sometimes those are the ones who get hurt the most, just our nature ;). I have been told (jokingly of course) that I am too kind and caring for my own good, and have developed some toxic friendships because of that, that did nothing but drain me and hurt me.

I am so sorry to ramble on, but I too would love to see you find a good counselor for yourself as the rest have said. (and you can probably find one to help who will work financially with you!! ;) ) I am so very sorry that you lost your kitty. That has got to be one more awful thing to happen, I am a kitty person myself (at one point had 6! :) ) and I know how wonderful they can be. Please don't blame yourself for your little sweetie getting sick and passing, you don't need to take that onto your shoulders as well. Yes, they are afftected by our emotions, but I don't believe for one minute it was your fault. I know how it feels to blame yourself for that sort of thing (I have lost a furry baby once every year it seems...now I have my Missy girl left :) ), and it's nothing you can control. (my situation was very close to yours, when one of mine passed away) Again, I am very sorry for your loss, our pets are very precious to us - they are huge members of our families.

Please take good care of yourself, and do seek to find a counselor as the rest also have suggested! And know you are always welcome to vent here when you want to, we have big shoulders....

Hugs to you!