Very important need advice it concerns my friend

[sleepyangel30]

I chatted with a real life friend of mine last night online. Anyway, She's married. She told me she had sex with another guy in her home after she got off work yesterday. She have a very good husband and having everything going good for herself. I'am very concerned about her, for 1 she had unpretected sex with the guy and 2 her husband may find out I would hate for her marriage to end I really do. I asked her why did she do it and she said that she was really h*rny "u know what I mean" she get that way all the time. and that her husband don't give her sex when she want to. I did tell her that it was wrong and that it can cause problems in her marriage etc. She said she just wont have sex with the guy for a while, because she felt bad. I told her just don't do it again and that it was wrong in gods eyes and so forth. I think she will do it again I know her to well. I think she have some kind of sex addiction. What other advice can I give her? She really does need help.

[ICNJess]

Angela,

As much as you care for your friend and the state of her marriage, I am not sure there is much you can do. Your friend has to work this out for herself...obviously there is more going on in her marriage than "no sex from hubby" for her to turn to another man--at least that's my opinion. I can't imagine cheating on my husband, no matter how "hot and bothered" I was...maybe there is love lost there. I guess the only thing I could imagine you advising would be for her to go to a marriage counselor, to sort things out. Even if she just goes alone.

Maybe she's losing feelings for her husband, or maybe there is more to the story than meets the eye. However, if it turns out that she's just in the mood for some lovin', and hubby isn't interested, she should talk to him and find out why he's not interested--maybe something is going on on his end.

Anyway, that's just my two cents. I hope your friend figures things out--and I wish there were more friends like you in the world!

Hugs,
Jess

[patricia1]

Its hard I know. I am sure you feel like you were put in a bad situation and she was not right to do that to you. I feel as though there is more going on in the marriage than what she was stating. She actually sounded like a guy saying that. You know for most men if they cheat by sex they dont think of it that way, because for most of them it is physical and stuff. To some men they think of cheating as the emitional aspect of it. I dont know what more you can tell her, you said how you felt and how wrong it is. Jess is right maybe counsling is they way she needs to go. Also if you think she is a sex addict counsling will help her with that to.

Also if she tells that "she was just *****" tell her there are other ways to get around that aspect and that she does not need a man for that...

Best of luck to you and your friend.

[dancemomof2]

Not really much else you can tell her, she will only stop and listen when she wants to. I agree it is wrong and sounds like she had no real good reason for this action.

[traceann]

I have to agree with Jess, there really isn't much you can do. The marriage counselling advice is really all you can give. There must be something else going on, that only she knows about etc, it's a big step to cheat, regardless the reason, and if the only reason is because she was in the mood and hubby wasn't available, that's a red flag of sorts. Like Jess said, maybe she's lost feelings for her husband or something. And I hate to say it, but maybe she wasn't quite ready for the committment of marriage?? If she's still young, maybe that is influencing it somehow, just my thoughts and ideas, not a comment on one's maturity and age at all, I know some very scarily mature 18 yr olds, and some very IMMATURE 40 somethings, LMAO! ;) Just trying to toss out some ideas!!!

Best of all, you can just be there to listen, should you find out there is more to it all that meets the eye, and be supportive, but firm. Maybe you can ask her why she felt she needed to cheat, maybe she's unaware of her own "feelings" whatever they may be, and you opening up the subject in a non-judgemental way might get her to examine her motivations a little bit. You never know! Good luck, and don't let it get you down too much, stress is rough on our bodies!!! Hugs! :)

[sleepyangel30]

She said she loves her hubby with all her heart and so on. She said he changed after he came back home from iraq. I'm thinking he's suffering from war depression thats all I can think of. She also said that she wants sex every day and that he's not giving it to her like she want him to.

[traceann]

Well as for the sex thing, him not wanting it at all might be a sign of something going on with him, and they both could benefit from some sort of counseling. But, like Patricia said, there are ways of taking care of the "sex thing" without involving another man ;)

I tease my hubby that he needs to put out more often, as when I am feeling good, I like to take advantage of it, but with his work schedule, it would be impossible to have sex as often as I would like, I have to wait for weekends! LOL He's on 2nd shift for a week and 3rd shift for a week, makes it difficult; and 1st shift week, he's usually too damn tired at night. ;) Cripes, as little as it seems we have time for sex, and as often as I would like to have it, I would never think of cheating on him!!!

Maybe what she's missing is the attention that he might not be giving her that he used to. Sometimes I know for me, I feel "rejected" if I am in the mood and he is not, I take it very personal, when I shouldn't. Just because he's physically tired, or stressed out and sex is the last thing on his mind, doesn't mean he doesn't find me attractive anymore or desirable (I have to remember what that's like when it's me who's body says no way to sex, doesn't mean I don't love him). Though, I do have to remind myself of that fact, lol. Maybe that's what's she's feeling and the "other guy" somehow validates her, not that it's right to do, but might be a motivator for the actions??? Just some thoughts!!!

Hugs!

[ICNDonna]

One thing she should be encouraged to do is to see her doctor to be checked for sexually transmitted diseases --- her husband should also be checked. She certainly dumped a burden on you, didn't she?

About all you can do is say a prayer for her. You're so sweet to care.

Donna

[poetgirl]

You are certainly a lot more compassionate than your friend. It sounds like her husband is possibly suffering from depression or post-traumatic stress disorder. Pretty much everyone I ever spoke to who came back from war (Desert Storm or this one) is messed up emotionally inside for a while. I know your friend has certain physical needs, but her husband's emotional needs probably need to come first. If you're married, it can't be all about you all the time. As Patricia points out, there are other ways to deal with those needs for the short term. Anyway, you are a good friend to care, but unfortunately, you may only have limited influence on her decision-making process.

[sleepyangel30]

hey all, thanks for all the advices.

[SrMaggie]

Coming back from Iraq can certainly change a lot of things. Counciling would be a good option. There are so many marriages that have been broken by war and it's fall out.

[Babs RN]

Speaking as another spouse with a hubby currently in Iraq, the war itself plus the long separation can bring havoc in a marriage. My hubby is working 20 hour days and getting 4 hours of sleep a day which has made him change his outlook on just about everything, including sex. In fact he e-mailed me a said he wanted to sleep in a separate bedroom and not be intimate. He is coming home for his R&R on September 7th. I would never, ever consider seeking sex outside our marriage. I am not trying to be judgemental, just share my ongoing experience with this. Most of these guys and girls that return from Iraq have seen some really scary stuff. In addition, they have been single so to speak for the time they are over there. They get up, go to work, eat, go to bed, work eat...they are doing this with no days off and then have to reintergrate back here into a normal routine. It is very scary for most of them and they need to be given some space. Going outside the marriage just adds to the confusion. Sorry if I rambled, but this topic is kind of an open sore to me right now.

Hugs and good luck with your friend,
Barb :grouphug: :grouphug: