15 Year old son - Help!

[cybersis]

I am a single mom raising two children, a seventeen year old daughter and a fifteen year old son. My daughter has never given me one days worth of grief, she is a smart, caring, and thoughtful child. My son is a mystery to me. He is also a smart, caring and thoughful child but boy can he give me grief. Last week he went out at 9 pm to meet his friends who live a block away. He was told to come home at 11 pm, which he did but he had been drinking. I confronted him at 3 pm when I heard him stumbling around in his room looking for the door because he had to pee. Needless to say I never slept a wink after that and have been in a horrible flare since. We had a long talk in the morning, I grounded him and tried to explain to him how much it hurts and scares me to see him experimenting this way. He tells me everyone drinks and that some parents actually have a "what I don't see I won't worry about" policy and even allow drinking in their homes. I am furious at what I believe is neglect and criminal behaviour by these parents. When did parents become afraid to parent and decide to be their kids "best friends". He has of course promised not to drink anymore but what do I do when the grounding has ended and he asks to go to someone's house? These are the times I wish I had some male back-up. Its so hard handling these problems by myself. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Prinny Joy]

My son is 19 and is still causing me great worry. It's not drinking I am worried about but attitude. The anger that boy has just makes me get depressed. I always feel like he talk to me like his father spoke to me. I have no answers for you, I'm sorry, I'm going through my own problems and everyone has said he'll outgrow it. Well, if anyone say's he'll outgrow it to you, not true, everyone is different. Yes one day they will outgrow but there's no set time. Do your sons friends come over to your house? My son lives in Hawaii and I'm here so it's not daily but my son is always calling me and arguing and getting mad. I hope it works out for you and sorry you are going through these years as well.! PEACe and JOY

[lalarainbow]

Hi,
It is a pain when other parents don't stick to rules..Is there anyway you could have has friends there..You don't have to stay in the same room but just be around and keep an eye on things..I have a 24 year old and 21 year old..oldest had no problem but youngest has given me so much stress..He is living out in Alberta now. In spite of the things he puts us through I miss him terrible.
Hopefully your son learned a lesson..He is young.. Make the rules clear to him and if he muffs up stick to the consequences! Don't give in like I did so often.. Not easy to do I know.. been there!! What about Big Brothers?? It is a good program..
All the best
~~Pam~~

[SharonA]

Boys...you gotta love 'em. :rolleyes: They HAVE to stretch the rules as far as they can. They are in such a hurry to grow up. They have so much peer pressure. They will make mistakes. Just pray that the mistakes are nothing serious and that they will get it out of their systems very quickly. Hopefully your son had a major hang over and became very acquainted with the porcelain barf bag. Usually, one night of hanging over the john retching their guts out is enough to convince them that drinking is not a very wise choice for fun.

Here's a :grouphug: and a :kissing: for you, Mom. I promise...they do grow up and become responsible adults sometime around 30. Well..most of them do. ;)

[tigger_gal]

I haven't encountered that problem so I have no advice.. but, I will tell you, when I was 16.. I got drunk... oh boy, thats was just horrible.... They dropped me off on my porch and told my dad they didn't know how I got that way... yea right we were all drinknig.. I was grounded for a month.. no phone, no friends, and in the back yard.. I wasn't allowed in the front... I deserved it. but, I never drank again till I was over 21....
The thing with the parenting is everyone wants to be there kids friend not there parent.. your right.. there way out of line..... on a better note Sharon is right, they do grow up around 30 lol.. (loved that one) when he's done being grounded... let him go and if he dose it again double the amount of grounding time, enroll him in madd classes and AA.. (too bad, no one did that when my husband (and everyones loved ones that drank as kids) was young, he's sober now tho).. Maybe some impact of what alcohol can do to another persons life might wake him up.... good luck to you....
maybe even the threat of telling him that you "could" press charges on the parents that are contributing alochol to minors...
Brat

[ICNDonna]

My brother had two sons and when they were about that age, their story was that a friend was having a party. Their mother told me she doubted there was a party, but she didn't want to call her kids liars or confront another parent. I suggested that she call the hostess mother before each party and ask if there was anything she could do to help --- it didn't take long for a group of parents to have a party of their own, at which they confronted about a dozen boys of the same age --- and grounded the lot of them. There's nothing like a united front!

Have you telephoned the parents of the boy providing the liquor? It could very easily be that they don't know about it --- or it could be that's not where they're going at all.

Another bit of advice from a mother who raised three --- it's usually not a good idea to tell a child they shouldn't do something because of what it does to mom --- they need to know they shouldn't do something because of what it does to THEM.

Good luck! My sister-in-law and I used to be in agreement that boys should be locked up at 13 and released at 18 --- and we'd both have fewer sleepless nights and less gray hairs! (joking, of course).

Hugs,
Donna

[cybersis]

Thanks to everyone for responding and giving me some great advice. I never realized how hard it was going to be raising a boy. Donna you are right I should have made a point about what drinking could do to him and his future and not how it affected me. I will bring that up when the grounding period is over and I let him loose again! About the other parents, he showed me the email for the invitation to a party where the girl says her parents were going to turn the other way about drinking but no one was to get out of hand, she then states- "Don't tell your parents, my parents don't want any phone calls yelling at them". I called them last night, got an answering machine and left a message that if their were any more parties at their house the police would be called and they would be charged with providing liquor to minors. Goodness as if our children don't have enough problems without weak adults contributing. I have a friend who lets her 16 year old drink in the basement "because its better I know where she is and then I can handle her". Does she really thinks this sends the right message? If the kid is drinking in her basement you can guarantee she is drinking in other "basement's" as well. Sometimes you feel like the lone voice in the forest that no one hears. Thanks again for the support.

Karen ( aka cybersis)

[SandyRN]

Hi Karen,

I think you did the right thing when you called that girl's parents and left the message. I would follow up and make sure they heard it. If the daughter was there you can BET she erased it.

Here in Charlotte, a woman was just sentenced to several years in PRISON because she hosted a holiday party around Christmas. A 16 year old boy literally drank himself to death, in her basement. She too turned the other way, and it got her a prison sentence.

Boys, in my opinion, seem easier than girls. My 17 year old boy is so easy, and really despises drinking, drugs, and "stupid kids" that get into trouble.

My daughter is 12, and though she is not out partying yet, I worry so much. She seems more vulnerable, more impressionable, and just more willing to follow the crowd than my oldest. I talk to her EVERY day, literally, about drugs, smoking, and alcohol.

My youngest is 10...my lil red headed monster. He's really a sweet kid, but he too wants so badly to fit in he will follow the 'leader' of the group of kids he's with in class. He's not been in serious trouble, and he seems genuinely hurt when I'm hurt that he got in trouble at school. Like I said, nothing bad, but still, it DOES hurt when your child does something they ultimately know is wrong.

The best thing I can tell you is keep a tight reign on that fella of yours. Like others have said, bring the kids to your house (if you can stand it, lol). Talk to the parents of every party, before he goes, and make certain they have rules they intend to follow while your child is there. If he knows you are not going to back down on your rules, he's probably going to learn to accept them sooner or later. It's easier to do what is expected out of you then be stuck in your room for the duration of high school.

You should be proud of yourself. You are doing the best you can for your kids, and you are busy being a mom, not a friend.

Take care, Sandy

[icnmgrjill]

I'm the proud Aunt for four boys.... the last two... 21 and 17. Wow... are they also really pushing the limits. The 21 year old is off to college today... and he spent the last few days just partying like mad. Didn't pack until last night. Go figure. The 17 year old might as well be called Romeo... because he has so many girl friends. I can see their parents agonize nightly over it.

Just to say... we've had several deaths in the last year from teens drinking and driving. They just don't seem to believe that lives really are at stick. I am a firm believer in grounding and having firm consequences for behavior that is unacceptable!

Good luck!

Jill :)

[Dixiefireball]

thank goodness my children haven't gotten that out of hand yet but i'm here to tell you my oldest boy age 13 acts as if he rules the world and sure act most of the time he doesn't care about anything i say unless i start to cry and by that time i'm either to hurt or to mad to punish him.
However my 15 year old nephew we use to raise is totally out of hand he dranks smokes pot etc. I've told his grandmother many of times i was going to call dss on her for letting this happen we have gotten in so many fusses over him.
he isn't in school hasn't been for two years either.
he lost his mother April 17 of this year to drugs. his whole world is a mess but yet she want let us have him back to try to fix things, but yet then again my health is so bad and i have my own children to worry about too. and my husband always talks me out of calling dss saying if she lost tyler exp after she lost her daughter his mother would die in grief.
It so scary to think that parnets out there let there children drink do drugs or what ever right under there noses but yet want do anything to fix the problem.
really it scares me to dealth!!!
I wish you lots of luck. I pray the punishment is enough to make him learn his lesson.

[ICNJess]

Just an observation from a 22 year old...

Here's the inside scoop...

Parents are letting their kids drink at home (while I do not agree with this) because they figure the kids are going to go out and drink elsewhere, but this way, they can keep an eye on them and let them be safe. I think it's foolish for parents to do this, as it's just encouraging the behavior. We've had so many teen deaths in the past few years from drinking and driving, that there is actually a memorial spot at my old high school for the many kids who were killed.

I also know what it's like to be a teen this day in age with all the peer pressure and the increasing emphasis there is to grow up. My 12 year old sister in law demands a cell phone from her parents, sits online all day in chat rooms, and demands all sorts of new electronics. When I was 12 (oh jeez I sound ancient) I barely spent any time on the phone, and I was always outside doing things, like biking and shooting hoops with my dad!

Ok what is my point? My point is that the peer pressure these days are immense, and kids crave to fit in. I wish I could give you some advice to help...my brother came home drunk once when he was 17, and my 5'2" mother slammed him up against a wall and read him the riot act...then went into his room at 6 a.m. and vaccuumed and cleaned, slamming things around. He never came home drunk again--and now he's 40, and he very rarely drinks to this day. ;)

I hope things work out for you.

Hugs,
Jess