Poll: Married b4 or after IC started?

[massagedoula]

I would like to know from all the people that are married or in long term relationships that feel like marriage:

Were you married before or after IC started?

I ask because I think that my husband is having a real problem getting over the fact that our "way of life" is totally different now then when we got married. He freaked out on me tonight (I am still teary as I write this) about the fact that it takes me such a long time to get up and ready in the mornings and that he is always sitting around waiting on the weekends and maybe he should just spend the weekends by himself instead of half the day waiting for me. I tried to tell him that waking up at 9am is not late and the fact that it takes me about a hour to drag myself out of bed and shower is not too much. I tried to explain that it is very hard for me to every morning have to wake up to the same old pain and feeling of having to pee...that every day I expect to wake up and it is gone, and when it is not I have to have time to myself to get the dark thoughts about "how I am going to have to wake up every morning like this" away....

Also he is upset about the fact that I can no longer (at this time) go out on long camping trips, huge hikes, places w/o bathrooms, no going out to bars or concerts....etc....

And the sex thing....it went from a "normal" once or twice a week to about once a month, maybe once every 6 weeks. And he can tell I can't wait for it to be over so he doesn't enjoy it as much either anymore.

Basically, I tried to tell him from the beginning (before I was officially diagnosed but knew I had IC) that there was no cure and I would have it in some form forever. He still always talked in terms of 'when you get better" or "you will be better by then". he even offered to take me to Hawaii when I "got cured". And I didn't correct him because I hoped....Now it has been half a year and I think he is finally coming to terms with the fact that it is not something that just "goes away". And I am worried. We have been together for 4 years and really had a set way that we lived, very active and fun. Now in the last 6 months (since IC started...."AIC" AFTER IC) things are totally different and I am worried that he will not be able to handle it, even though he has been fine up until recently.

So I was wondering if many of you have gone thru the same stuff or if you met your husbands/wives/partners "AIC".

[Sarojini]

I was DIAGNOSED after we were married, but I was having problems while we were still dating and am sure I had IC before the marriage occurred -- so in a way, I could answer this question both ways!!

Husbands go through phases though -- sometimes mine is so understanding, and then he goes off on me about various things relating to IC all of a sudden. The other day he whined that I didn't want to hike, but the fact was, he obviously didn't want to hike either because all he ever does is sit in front of the TV in his recliner, half the time snoring away (a real sore spot with us recently because I've gone back to work, and he is not working at the moment as we just moved to a new state -- and he hasn't done much to help with the rest of the unpacking, etc around the house while I've been at work all week).

Right now we are not speaking because of his laziness and his incessant bossing around -- I'm tired of being called unreasonable and psychotic for simply wanting help unpacking our new house while I am busy starting a new job. He cannot comprehend that I just can't stay home anymore and do all the stuff he hates to do...

[ICNDonna]

I feel very fortunate. I had been married just two years when I first had symptoms following an abdominal hysterectomy. We have now been married 33 years. My husband is very supportive.

Donna

[vm]

I've been married for 12 years and my husband has also been very supportive through all of this. My symptoms started when we had been married 8 years.

Emily - I bet once you find a treatment regimen that works you will be feeling better. Either from some of the alternative methods you are more comfortable with - or the traditional med route if you decide to do that. Don't lose hope for feeling better, OK? :kissing:

[K9wife]

I married my high school sweetheart, whom I had been "going with" since age 12, so there were no surprises as to the limitations my bladder brought into our relationship- however the actual diagnosis came at age 19 after we had been married for a year...that was in 1977 and nobody even knew about IC, so we just adjusted to its complications as we went along. I know that without a doubt we couldn't have lasted this long if he hadn't been patient, supportive, and as understanding as he knew how to be, but also I rarely spoke of the discomfort I was in.....I had family members that complain a lot and he was (and still IS) so afraid I would one day become like them, that I was determined to show him I could be different from them. Was it right to disguise my pain? I don't know.... Should I have tried to make my family and inlaws understand the disease when I didn't understand it myself? hmmm....another stumper... Anyway- It has been a learning process for both of us from the beginning, and we're still learning and make adjustments and sacrifices every day....BOTH of us. One of the best things that happened was the fact that my hubby had knee surgery with spinal anesthesia early in our marriage- and as a result he had a 24 hour peiod when he could not empty his bladder....he got a tiny glimpse into MY world and has been much more compassionate since!

[dhoffer]

My problems began at the end of my pregnancy with my son. After having my son the problems really began. We werent married yet but we were engaged and living together. we married when our son was an infant. I wasnt diagnosed until much later. after I had my daughter. my husband has been very supportive of my health problems. I also have migraine headaches and mitral valve prolapse. he has been great even when I have gotten completely depressed about my health especially my weight.

[Imustpee]

I have had I.C. since I was 6...1966..

[Trishie]

I have been married for 17 yrs. I was dx'd last Oct. - but I have had full blown IC for about 4-5 yrs (just didn't know what it was). My husband is very supportive.
But don't get me wrong he's not perfect. But then again neither am I! LOL

[Leslye]

I had IC before I married my now husband of 4yrs. I was not diagnosed with IC until 2004 in July. I had ALWAYS been VERY active & Looked like a teenager until last year when my problems became worse. My husband & I have known one another since 1995 & we have dated since 2000. We always joked about the age difference between us, he is 14 yrs older than me, & we used to say that I would be taking care of him in his old age. Funny, how now he is taking care of me & I am only 36. I do LOVE him more than ANYTHING & I do feel at times like I have let him down. He is VERY active & NEVER tires, he is MY Energizer Bunny & says that he does'nt mind that he has had to take on not only the role of the bread winner but also the Househusband.

[sleepyangel30]

I got IC after 8 yrs of marriage.

[trytosmile]

I was diagnosed before my relationship with James, he is supportive and caring. He has his days, but so do I. All in all, we work together to help us both get through the stuggles of IC as if has effective both our lives.

[massagedoula]

I wanted to let everyone know that I had a big talk with my husband and things are much better now. We are under a lot of stress because we are about to buy a house and also fly to England. I know that my first post seemed very down and that was accurate to how I was feeling then, but now things are much better. Also, ever since my husband found that he could help me by doing my pelvic floor releases at home, he has been much happier that he can actually DO something to make me feel better. I decided yesterday that it was time to have sex again, and then I got my period, so I guess I have to put it off again....but I explained all this to him so he doesn't lose hope of ever having sex again!

[Sherry5]

We were married about two years when I first started having symptoms(painful sex) and almost nine years by the time I was diagnosed. He had a little preview of what life would be like, though, when I was on bedrest with my third pregnancy about 4 years earlier. He has been great. He comes from a sympathetic family and has always been pretty good about any illnesses I have had. He is better at dealing with it than I would be. I come from a family that has a, "suck it up, get on with t, and don't complain." Mentality. The only thing he really has a problem with is taking up the household slack when I can't function. Sometimes he is good about compensating, but for the most part, if I don't do it it doesn't get done. Some of that is my fault though. Our house is cluttered, I am not very organized, and we have done a horrible job teaching our children how to clean up after themselves. They are basically useless.

This disease is very stressful on our spouses, and sometimes I know we need to cut them some slack, but we also have every right to expect some understanding and compassion. Does he think you enjoy taking so long to get ready? Does he think it is easy for you to be so different then you used to be. Sometimes men have to be forced to take a step back and look at it from your perspective. I am sorry oyui are having such a difficult time :grouphug: Good luck!

[patricia1]

My IC started in 1996 but I did not get my diagnose until 2001. IC caused the end of my previous marriage. But it was not IC alone, there were other factors involved. But I was sick alot then and I think that is because of the stress I have had. I remarried in Dec 2000 and this marriage has been a total blessing. He is the best and has totally been by my side from the beg. I could not ask for a better spouse....

[Katrina]

woops sorry...I think I voted wrong. I had symptoms of IC way before marriage...but diagnosis after marriage.

[CareBear]

I had symptoms before we met. But I was not diagnosed until we had been married for 5 years. My husband has never known me "well." We had been dating about 4 months when I had my first surgery--3 more to follow. He is VERY supportive and helpful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pain is a funny thing and I've found that people who don't experience chronic pain, can't understand it.

[classics]

We'll be married 26 years this August. I got IC in Sept. 2003. Lately we haven't had sex at all. He's afraid I'll be too uncomfortable. I usually am after.

[Danielle2392]

My husband and I have been married since Sept of 2004. We had been dating for five years before getting married. I have always had endo and as it got worse they thought it could be something else. So they sent me to different doctors and in May of 2004 I was diagnosed with IC. My husband has been very supportive through everything. Don't get me wrong he misses how our sex life used to be, but he gets over it:) In the beginning he did not really understand. So I took him to my uro's office for one of my many appointments, and that is when he finally understood everything. Now I could not ask for someone more understanding.


Danielle

[mags]

I got ic after 4 years of marriage. My husband is very supportive about it though. He has never really gotten upset with me because of the ic.

[csocain]

Although my being diagnosed with IC after 22 years of marriage, my husband is very loving and supportive of me. He has shouldered the burden of not only my poor health but also taking care of his mom who lives with and has dementia/Alzheimers. All of this is very hard on him. He survives, like me, only by God's grace. I love him very much. What a blessing he is to me!

[mary124]

I been married for 23 years. Was diagnoised with IC 4 years afterwards. (after 2nd son was born) Been very lucky, my husband has been very understanding about this disease and all of my other health conditions. Without him, don't know what I would do.

[DONUTGRAM]

I have been married 46 years and finally was diagnosed about 8 years ago.It was after many years of pain and going from dr. to dr.My husband has been a rock through all of this----and because of the pain,sex is almost always out of the question.I'm just 61 and was really hoping for a much healthier senior life but it isn't going to be.I take every day as it comes and somedays are better than others....and for those I am always greatful.

This is the 1st time I have replied to anything but I read this website most everyday...I have really learned so much from all of you.

[poetgirl]

Emily,

I'm glad to hear you and your husband talked and things are better. I had IC symptoms before I was married, but was not officially diagnosed until after I was married. IC and VV did cause some problems in my relationship, although I can't say that was the reason we got divorced. There were other pre-existing issues that we never were able to resolve. My ex-husband was supportive sometimes and not at others. He is very much a stiff upper-lip kind of guy and was rarely ever ill, so he couldn't really relate on a day to day basis, but when it concerned the big stuff (medical procedures, surgeries) he was always there and very caring.

I was diagnosed several months before we separated, and ironically, I started to see a big improvement in my symptoms a couple of months after he moved out. I don't believe that had we not separated that our relationship would have been so much better because I was recovering -- like I said, there were other issues. IC became, for both of us, the scapegoat for not dealing with them. When he was mad at me because he felt like his needs weren't being met, he'd accuse me of making up my symptoms, even though he knew they were real. I know there were times that I chose not to try harder, and instead hid behind my symptoms and depression. I've learned a lot from that experience.

I remember when I first started dating my boyfriend and had to disclose that I have IC and VV. I didn't really know what his reaction was going to be, but he was really understanding and great about it. There are still times when the symptoms will start up, especially lately, because my schedule has been very chaotic and the stress and constant travel for work is taking a toll on my physically. The other night we had sex and right in the middle of it, I started to feel really sore and had to stop. He was very understanding and actually expressed more regret for my sake than his! I spent the rest of the night in pain and had to get up 4 or 5 times to pee -- and then had to get up extra early to catch a flight! But although I felt bad that I had to stop, I didn't feel guilty because he didn't make an issue of it. As far as he's concerned, there's always next time. (And for the most part, I feel good enough that there is a next time soon!) He's never had to see me at my worst with these diseases, though, or not have his needs met because I was not mentally/physically/emotionally capable of doing more than just getting through the day.

Anyway, I'm sure things will get better for you, once the stress of your new house and upcoming trip are gone. And your symptoms may improve to where you can do more of the activities you both enjoyed doing before. It just takes time!

:grouphug:

[tigger_gal]

lol well the first marriage I wasn't dx'ed... after I got married the 2nd time I was.. so I can't vote lmao... but its a really great question.
Brat

[Annie2]

Donutgram,

I just want to say I am glad you posted! I really hope you will join in more of our discussions!

I agree with you on the senior issues! It's certainly not what my husband and I had planned! IC hit me suddenly, just out of the blue, almost 3 yrs ago when I was 55. My hubby is 6 yrs older than I am. He just retired in January. We had to alter our retirement plans because of my IC but are finding some modifications to our original plans can be made and are determined to make the most of these years in spite of the situation! Though I, too, am older than many posting here, my spirit is still very young and I never want to lose that! There's still a lot of good living to look forward to!

As to the original question of this thread, we had been married 27 years before I developed IC. We just celebrated our 30th anniversary and are still going strong. Accepting and adjusting to my IC was just as tough on my hubby as it was on me. However, he has never faltered and is by my side supporting me every step of the way. That's not to say he is never frustrated by it. Of course he is! My husband gave 42 years of service to the USAF. We had so many plans for retirement, so many things we wanted to do that were not possible while he was still working. Shortly after I was DXed I had a long talk with him. He had sacrificed so much for all his working years in order to serve his country and I suggested he might want to go on without being tied to me and live his retirement dreams, all the things he wanted to do in life but could not do before. He told me absolutely not. He had signed up for the full ride, not just the good parts. So we both made a choice, after the onset of IC, to finish living our lives together, just as we commited to do so many years ago.

[csocain]

Annie, I could have easily written your post. Our stories are almost identical. I too was diagnosed at age 55 and my husband had just retired one year before. We too have a stronger marriage and relationship now because of the IC. Even IC can be a blessing. Isn't that awesome? Thanks for your post. PM me anytime.

[A.J.]

I wish I was married, honestly. I'm only 19 and almost became engaged to my boyfriend of 5 years. I say almost because I knew it was coming. It's a long distance relationship though so it wasn't so easy. If any of you have read my other posts, I wrote about the horrible time we had in Las Vegas (I think I wrote about that!) and that we broke up. The thing is, we still love each other, but LD's are so hard because sometimes the person you write to, talk to on the phone, and e-mail is so much different than the person you see when you're physically with them. We're trying to work things out and I really want to because he was been there for me through all of this. Besides my mom, he is the only one who truly feels for me and understands, it seems. I love him with all my heart, but it's like I'm afraid to be with anyone else for fear of their non-acceptance. It feels like a lot of guys my age want one thing, and of course I'm not capable of that most of the time. I want to be married and be with someone who understands and will take care of me. It's been such a long road and I don't think I want to continue on it with anyone else but him. It's really difficult because sometimes in person we are great together and other times it's a disaster. Well, thanks for reading. If anyone has any advice or would like to share anything with me, please do!

[Prinny Joy]

I do consdier myself amongst the most fortunate. We have a mature relationship and when we got married my husband had just seen me through a hospital stay for Silver Nitrate and married me a week later. No doubt my husband loves me. I tell him everyday "I KNOW WHAT I GOT" and it is my husband who is thankful to have me. I couldn't ask for more in a husband, I am blessed! PEACE and JOY

[MeganAnne]

I met my fiance about 2 years ago and my full blown IC symptoms started about a year and a half ago. So, I guess he did know me "before" it started, but not for long. About 6 months ago, I had to stop having sex altogether because it is so painful. I keep thinking one of these days I'll miraculously feel better, or find a doctor that can help, or find a way to help myself, but it seems like months and months have gone by.....

Sometimes I get really angry and depressed because I feel that my quality of life has been so degraded... It seems like all the things I really love to do - travel, seeing concerts, hiking, etc. are difficult to do now. I get irritated because I always want to tell my fiance "I used to be able to do these thing without a problem!!!" I feel like I am a moody person now. He is very supportive and doesn't express any frustration, just compassion. But I get frustrated with myself and feel like deep down, he's probably feeling the same way.

[monica78]

I was diagnosed with IC before I was married but I was dating him at the time. He
has always been wonderful with my IC. If he would be more consistent with housework
it would be great! I really can't complain though, I do have an amazing husband!

[DebbieD]

Oh Believe me I had My IC Before I Met my Husband. It started when I was 8 years Old. I did no Even tell my Mom or Anyone until my Senior Year of High School. I started dating at 16 and was Having a Very hard time trying not to tell anyone what was wrong. Then in My Senior Year of High School I was diagionsed with severe IC with Bad Hunners Ulcers. I went through 2 years of Collage this same way. I met my Husband and We dated a Year before we got married. I also had my baldder removed 2 months before we got married . So on my Wedding night I had a bright my Stoma on my Side. But he told me before we got married that he loved me for me. We have been married 20 years.I Love him so very Much. I have still had alot of medical problems but he has been by my side the hole time.

Things will work out for you.
Hugs
DebbieD

If I can help out in any way let me know okay.

[Melanie]

I had a history of UTI's, especially after sex.
I met a guy. We waited awhile, but eventually had sex. BOOM! Worst UTI ever. UTI never "went away". 9 months later, diagnosed with IC. 4 years later married that same guy. Now it's been almost 8 yrs since my IC began.

I'm extremely grateful for my DH. He's an amazing guy. It's taken alot of work, but relationships are never easy. In some ways, IC has made us stronger as a couple. We had alot of issues to deal with before we got married.

[TexasHoney]

I was married in 1999 and began having IC symptoms in 2001 and was divorced in Sept 2002. IC was partly to blame for my marriage falling apart along with my husband's drinking. I really haven't a had serious relationship since.

[MOE1495]

I think that the IC started after my girls were born by C-section. If I remember correctly I had maybe a few UTI's before. I gained weight after my grandfather died and thought that it was my anti-depressant. I have always been tiny so it was a shock to just basically wake up and be 20 lbs. heavier. I even had liposuction done. That was $4,000.00 down the drain. I lost a bunch of weight and stayed that way until September. Everyone is shocked when they see me. My face is so big. I was even asked if I was pregnant by someone I had not seen in years. It is to the point now that I do not go any where because I am ashamed of the way I look. I used to put on make-up and fix my hair. Now I put on a cap. It sucks!!!!!!