My Marriage is in trouble

[MakinIT]

Hi all

You know...you just get to where you are managing things then something comes along and WHAP! Smacked off the ol' horse again. My husband has been handling finances for the family since, well, since I've been such high pain meds, and we decided to buckle down and pay debt down. Now, we have very high debt...(had....now it's more like medium)..For along time, I had the only credit cards but they were ONLY used on emergency things like transmission problems (twice in 3 months, seperate cars), brakes, Medical copays, etc...we also had car payments, house payments, student loans, blah, blah, blah,....we had to take a second mortgage to consolidate our debt, Ohh....then Roger bought a brand new Hyundai Sonata. Nice but expensive. Now, bout 3 months after that, I got ill. Suddenly my salary was cut by 2/3rds (and I haven't seen a raise in 3 years) My husband is working many hours...The only time I actually talk to him is at the end of the month when he does the bills and then he is angry. I have one credit card. Has a limit of 15,000. I only put 300 or so in medical on it. I give him 2/3rds of my disability check, and try to buy groceries for the family and have money for myself with that. (He gets between $4,000-5,000 + 1600 from me.) Now does that suck? As a family we are obviously not in trouble, but he seems to think since I'm not "working" I'm not entitled to that money. We have made so many agreements about my stupid credit card being for medical or online purchases (very rare) yet when he sees My little balance (as opposed to the balance on his cards of at least 2 thousand...) He slams out of the house and says I'm ruining the children's future. Ok...slide back into guilt on the 5 steps of grieving. He also says we have no intimacy but says its not sex, we just don't talk....but he stated it like it was my fault. I told him I'm ALWAYS home. He told me I always go to bed. Well, with the meds I take I get very sleepy and he ignores me when I'm awake. I try to talk. So, he and my girls are camping in Canada for the Month with his sister and her friends. My oldest daughter called me last night and toldme, innocently, that dad spent about an hour talking to a woman. :ignore: Then she said the lady was gross, she smoked and "smelled wierd" :hmm: (Makes me wonder what she was smoking) She told Roger later that she didn't like that he spent so much time talking to one lady and he first laughed, then I guess was shocked, told her he was practicing his "small talk" skillls...which he is awful at. I guess what hurt most was that Roger kept saying happy he was to finally be away from home.

I'm very worried...he will stay loyal to me, but there won't be any emotion. I can't handle that. He understands this disease and the pain I'm in. But he doesn't know how to talk to me about it.

I'm sorry, don't need to unload but my marriage has been slowly going down hill. This damn disease is so insidious...it hurts everything ina persons life. :headbang:

Tracey

[ICNDonna]

I'm so sorry. I think it would be a good idea to talk with a marriage counselor. If he won't go, then go alone. If your area is like where I live, there are counselors through some of the agencies where there isn't any charge for this. Many years ago I worked with a marriage and family counselor at a Catholic Charities office and I saw many situations where only one of a couple sought counseling and it did help. Lots of times, the wife would begin the counseling and later on, sometimes weeks later, the husband would come in too.

Sending warm encouraging hugs,
Donna

[dancemomof2]

I agree talking to somone may help, but then who am I to tell this to when my own hubby sceams NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO to that statement. Good Luck willl be praying for you.

[MakinIT]

"sigH" yeah...I've been thinking about counseling for alooong time. :idea: My chronic pain psych is quite "firm"in his "request" for me to have marital counseling and yes, me only if he is uncooperative. Which I feel strongly he would be. let me see. I think the last time I suggested it (2 months ago) he said "I'm not tellling and paying some stranger my personal problems when I am fully capable of doing so myself". So There. :cussing: (he is a wee bit stubborn....Donna, I attribute that to his childhood spent in Junction City...Y'all are a bunch of stubborn cusses, specially the bunch that graduated in the early 80's) I, however, am a model of perfection. :biglaugh:

He did just call to say that he wanted me to take Amtrack to Vancouver, BC. (He has a conference there) when I get there, he is sending our kids to go with Auntie and grandma to stay in comfort INN. I'll stay with Roger in the Royal Crown Plaza? where they are having the conference. (sounds fancy...hope they don't put a fancy name on a fleabag motel) Then, I go home with my oldest to make sure she gets to cross country camp on Mt. Hood. Yuck. However, she's 15..she'll be fine...the running up and down the mountain will just bring much :mad: from her. But it should be fun. I spent alot of time when I was her age on MT. Hood, although it was usually skiing, It was always odd to be there when there was no snow. I'm still not driving ...I did make a drive because of an emergency yesterday. I was having hard time staying focused on the road.

Thanks for the advice so far...has anyone lost a marriage over this damn disease? I will admit my husband is sort of self centered but is also very concerned on the well being of our family which, to him, equals...money...

Tracey

[ICNDonna]

Actually I live near Alvadore, but if I say that someone always wants to know where the :ignore: is Alvadore.

:kissing:

Donna

[MakinIT]

You're right....I lived in Eugene for 8 years, and got to know J.C. quite well...I know Fern Ridge (the resevoir at this time of the year is particularly lovely......I can recall drunken college students chasing each other with bottle rockets...ahh the good ol' days) I know Cougar Dam, Creswell...all those places...but have no idea where Alvadore is...is it towards the coast? or up the Mackenzie? (I can't imagine it being north or south cause I know I-5 pretty well...)

Anyway...Have a great fourth...Idon't know about you, but I am sweating up at this end of the Willamette valley. And now, my father in law just bought some hot and spicey relish and is going on and on about it's marvels and keeps saying I have to try it. I just now said "Bill...have you not noticed what I eat? spicey, flavourful, and acidic are not included" He got miffed. he really doesn't get it. Thinks it's all in my head. Drives me nuts. he really gets upset because he likes to cook and he makes very meat and potatoes stuff (with alot of tomatoes) First of all, I have learned the smells of foods tells me whether I can eat em or not. Most stuff, I get real sick to my stomach. I figure it's my bodie's way of saying my bladder is going to go nuts. So, I just sit at the table during dinner, drink water, and talk with the family. he gets very grumpy b/c I won't eat, and i try to explain why. No matter what is made (Chili anyone?) he says "'there ain't nuthin that's gonna hurt you"


Oh well..at least I'll go to my parents for the fourth. It's my mom's birthday, won't have to worry about my husband being grumpy there.

Tracey

[ICNDonna]

If you know Fern Ridge Lake, we live a mile from the dam. We don't go there very often. This year the water is very low because they are doing some dam rapairs. There aren't even any boats moored there. We used to moor a sailboat at Orchard Point and sailed often.

Our yard is full of trees so it's cool here --- and I have two air conditioners upstairs running to keep the house cool.

Donna

[emilyrose197377]

Tracey, I am sorry for what you are going through. Talking to a counselor may help. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Take Care
Kim

[Dixiefireball]

I'm sorry Tracey If you need someone to talk to please give me a buzz.
:grouphug:

[DanaW]

I am also having a very tough time with my husband. I haven't worked since June of 04' and not having an income is killing our marriage. I have filed for Disab. but, we can't make it until I get approved. We have a lot of debt also bc of my not working. My husband said he was sick of livining this way and told me that I have to get a job. Before he stated this he told me a month ago that he asked for some work from someone we know in town. He would be driving a dump truck for him, part-time. (after his city job) I was so relieved when he told me that he was going to be making some extra money. Well, since then, he has not mentioned it and it looks like he is not going to do it. I am on heavy meds. and can't really stand or sit for very long. I use the bathroom constantly. Hence why I filed. I couldn't believe he just thinks I can go out that get a job. Like all of a sudden I am not sick?? It makes me really angry. He has never really supported me with this disease. Whatever happened to a man that will do anything to support his family? I am very depressed and feel very despondant. So, I can totally relate to your situation. Any advice for me ladies??

[MakinIT]

Thanks for your thoughts Dixie...I really appreciate it. I'm just curious how much he will seem to miss me, that is, how he'll act, when he sees me after a month. Dana...I am SO sorry for you too. My h usband, at least, knows I can't work. He won't even let me drive. If I have to go to the store he drags himself up and takes me (most of the time) even if its just two blocks aaway and I try to sneak out so as not to bother him. (I'm not supposed to drive but am fine with in a short area, its when I'm driving continously I get into trouble...My mind drifts, I fall asleep,...Had two near misses and my doc said he'd either medically pull my license or I had to swear not to drive so I did. He has a lot of trust in me, my doc) So, anyway...I do at least get some money and I finally have my social securiy hearing this fall (after 2 and 1/2 years) it won't change my income. My private disability insurance will decrease my amount by the amount I get. I'm just curious though, they have never paid me extra for child dependent benifits. Social security will give me some. Sounds like my private company will take those into account as well.

I'm just tired of living with a cold, emotionless man. He doesn't mean to be, but he is. I think under it all, he blames me.

Have a good fourth everyone!

[DanaW]

Thanks Tracy..... :) It is good to know that I am not the only one who has a cold husband. I think that my husband is really angry with me bc of my IC. When we first got married over 14 years ago, he knew that I had FM. Which meant that there were certain things I couldn't do. He seemed to resent that after a few years.....His Mom is miss boundless energy until SHE also came down with FM. Then, it was poor Carole (my mother-in-law) . Here I had had FM since I was 21 and there was no simpathy for me. Not that I was asking for it....just acceptance that I am limited to what I can and can't do. When I came down with IC, my in-laws have never once asked me how I am doing. They make me sick. Anyways, I guess it runs in the family. My husband says he understands but, his actions do not show it. Here I am taking serious medications bc of my bladder, am in pain every minute of every day of my life. And, all he can do is tell me "you have to get a job". Well, duh, why do you think that I filed for Disability?? I was a school bus driver, for gosh sakes.....He told me that he would get this extra work to help the family and now nothing!!!!!! It makes me really angry that he went back on his word. He is physically able to do the work. He is the man. The husband and father! Sorry for the vent. I hope things get better for you Tracy. I have also thought about counseling for myself. I think it would help my depression. I would love to go ONE day without pain, either from my FM or my IC. My life is misery. If it weren't for my children, I wouldn't want to live in my body anymore.

[Leslye]

Dana & Tracey, I am So sorry!! But I want to tell you both that You are not alone. I Do have a very understanding husband but he is clueless in Our financial situation & yes it is My fault. I can NO longer work Due this dredful disease that I have fought Like hell to keep it from taking over my life. The ONLY way I can get any kind of relief is to take ALL of my meds. & with that I can not function. I Worry so much that I have let my family down. I feel like at times that they would be better without me. I filed for disability & was turned down & I will be appealing this SOON. We can not even afford to pay attention. I have always taken care of the finances so at this time my husband is not aware of how bad we are. I do not tell him because I am so afraid that he will resent me. I feel like I am useless to him because I can not work,clean the house, or have sex! Right know as I am typing this I wonder how we are financially going to make it through another month. My husband gets paid on the first of every month & the money is already gone & there are bills still left to pay & Dr's appt. & meds to get. Our A/C unit is messing up, my A/C went out in my Car, & my son just came in & told me that my husband's boat is leaking gas & we need to carry the motor in & get it fixed!! Oh, I almost forgot the brakes on My husbands truck are going out. We have NO savings, except for my husbands 401K.(there is ALOT in it) We already are paying for loans we have taken out against it. Things were fine back when I was alble to work. I am already sick, isn't that enough, why do I have to feel like I am being punished for having a disease that I did not Ask for?(like any of us asked for this) I am fixing to lose everything that my husband & I have worked for! I see NO light at the end of the tunnel, right know things just keep on piling up. My husband is planning on retiring next year June 31st. He will be 50, I am 36, he was married to a RN for 20yrs they did not have money problems. My husband makes GOOD money but after everything is taken out the take home is nothing!! I feel as though he would do so much better without me & that he deserves better!! He is A wonderful man & I am so Afraid that he will have to give up his retiring or give up some of his 401K to get us out of this mess. If I could just get my disability it would be better. We need an extra income right know! I have thought about trying to go back to work but I can not even get out of the bed on some days. YES,I AM AWARE OF THE fACT THAT I AM DEPRESSED!!! I am So tired of hurting! Dana, I know exactly how you feel if it were not for my kids I would not be here also. As I type this I have just started crying uncontrolably. I want so bad for things to get better! Anyway, I guess i will go for know. I hope all of you get to feeling better SOON! Love & Hugs to you ALL!!

[patricia1]

First off Makinit I am so sorry for all that you are going through right now. I know it is rough. I hope your hubby will come around soon. I will keep you in my prayers.
.

[patricia1]

For Leslye and Dana. Please dont give up on your SSD. I know it can take along time, mine took 2 yrs and 3 months from start to finish. I was turned down the first time and won during my hearings appeal. And I also know how it feels not to be able to pay the bills. I to was the one in charge of paying the bills and also did not clue my hubby in to our finicial distress. I also came so close to losing my home and tried to hide it from him. But he found out and it was worse not telling him and finding out by something that came in the mail. I to get house note into something called a forclosure agreement notes. It costed me double the amount of our montly note, but he found out by seeing this come in the mail. I guess what I am saying is let him know, cuz if he finds out later it could be worse. I am sorry for all of you guys. Let me know if I can do something

[MakinIT]

Lesly;Unless you fear physical harm from your husband, you need to talk to him about the finances. Once the air clears on that, and he can get ****** and get it off his chest, you can work together for solutions. You are right. You did not want to get sick and should not be punished so much mentally (which leads to physical, as I well know). For the both of you...you HAVE TO FIND a PSYCHOLOGIST who specializes in chronic pain. 9 moonths ago, I was where you are Dana, and actually had a plan to do myself in, so it wouldn't be a trauma to my children. (ie: they wouldn't find me...what I started realizing was they would traumatized forever.) I woundup calling my psych in hysterics and he and I have been working very hard ever since to right my self esteem. THAT has improved. One of the things he nailed was that I had to have something todo other than sit around in pain and fret about the situation. So I volnteer about 4-5 hours every 1-2 weeks with an Educational Service District. It is with an environmental program (where I first got my interest in teaching) and I stay limited to light clerical (projects they've needed to do), answering phones, and just visiting with old friends. Maybe if you can find an hour to go to a womans shelter to read to the kids, or to your neighorhood school and work with some kids, coordinate some clothing drives....anything to make your self feel useful (and it is indeed useful) you will almost immediately feel better and realize that you are indeed a valuable person. That was my issue...Since I could no longer teacher the kids I was trained to work with (severly disabled) I was lost and had no focus.

As far as husbands...We are all up to it in our necks with morons aren't we? Patricia, You are wonderful, thanks for the warm thoughts. My husband has taken on so much extra responsibility that he uses it to emotionally beat me over the head with it, and keep control of household finances. so, Somehow, weall have to figure out how to drag our spouses, kicking and screaming, to counseling. It is NOONES fault we have IC. It is the fault of a Kmart bargain basement autoimmuime system. And I'm sticking to that story!!!

Try to keep a smile in your heart and on your face for your kids. I keep telling myself, it's not their fault their dad is a piece of male anatomy that dangles betwixt the legs. (how's that for getting around the censors?)

Tracey

[SrMaggie]

Sometimes I find when people don't know what to say, they are very gruff and seemingly uncaring. When I finally dealt with childhood sexual abuse from a neighbor, I remember sitting at the dining room table with my mother. I told her. She immediately go up from the table and went into the kitchen to do dishes. She said nothing to me. I didn't know where to go from there. A few months later we were alone in the car and she told me she left the room because she coulnd't keep herself from wretching after hearing it. She suffered so much and was alone it supporting me since my father had died when I was five. I was abused at 7. It was worse not telling for 30 year. Once she told me what had happened, I could understand at the time I didn't. If you have any religion, sometimes it helps to yell at God. Let him know what this is doing - vent with him. It might work. But do talk with hubby. Communication is key.
Praying for you. Maggie

[curlycue]

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck.

[Julie B]

I agree with the others that counseling may help. It took a lot of learning, but I eventually saw that I could only take care of coping myself. I couldn't control anyone else's emotions.

Three things that helped me (at least learn to cope with his occasional resentment of me being sick):

1-A wise and generous veteran ICer took me under her wing when I was first diagnosed. She helped me to see that my husband wasn't much different than others in his situation. She reminded me that most of us experience a scattered trail of emotions before we finally come to a state of acceptance. (Same as the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.) The BEST thing she told me was that our spouses/SOs/parents ALSO go through those stages.......they grieve too..........because their lives are not what they expected.

2- Being diagnosed with a chronic illness is life changing......but so are hundreds of other things that can happen to people. Everyone has to deal with something someday....it just as easily could have been the other person in the relationship that got in a car accident, or got diabetes, or has a heart attack........and it still could be!

3- (And I smile as I write this) a few years ago I had some new symptoms that I figured were gyn not uro related. I was very very uncomfortable, so I had my husband drive me. Now, I had been worrying that I might have something ELSE new on top of the IC, but once the gyn saw me he said not to worry; it was probably the IC. Right away my hubby piped up WAY out of context: "So when is she going to be able to work a full time job?" I thought I had been stabbed in the back.......until my doctor (bless his sweet wonderful soul) turned to my hubby and said firmly: "Her BODY is her full time job!"

Hang in there everyone..........that is what this place is for.........to vent, and sort out your thoughts, and try to make sense out of this crazy disease we have..........

Gentle understanding hugs, Julie

[DanaW]

I don't know what I would do without the support of all you wise and kind ladies! I can't believe how similar my life is to Leslye and Patricia. I also am hiding things again from my husband. You see, one of the things that is causing his anger with me was the fact that I hid financial problems from him in the past. This is a cycle that has been going on for years. Now, it is come full circle. This is the first time that I missed our mortgage payment....you see I have always been able to pay our mortgage before anything else....and, I can't tell him! I had asked for him to take over the finances for years and he won't do it. He has dyslexia and I know that that is the reason. But, it is not fair that I have to shoulder this burden as well as be sick and on all these meds. I can't tell him that I missed our mortgage. All I can do is try to fix the problem, again alone. He is already angry about the past and can't seem to move on and I know that he distrusts me but, I can't bear to hear it again! I told him to divorce me and he won't because of the kids. He is old fashioned when it comes to divorce and while that is good to stay together for the kids, I can't take this empty, angry marriage anymore! You see, before I got really sick I was working a home business and it was going well. When I got sicker and had to take more meds. etc...well, I couldn't focus on the business anymore. That was when the problems began with money. I stopped my business and had to rob peter to pay paul. Then, he found out and we had to take out a big 2nd mortgage to pay off most of the credit card debt. There are still some things that didn't get paid. But, in order to survive I had to not pay off a couple of things.....he just doesn't get it!!!!!!!!! He constantly asks for money, for chew and breakfast money and we don't have it. So, instead of hearing all the crap and anger and guilt trips, I give in and just try to make it up. It is a vicious cycle. He blames me for everything and that will not change. No way would he do counseling. I can do it for myself though. And, I am going to look into it. Meanwhile, since my pain is better managed, I am going to try to sell again. There is no way I could work a regular job. But, in order to sell, you have to have the right mindset and it is difficult being under this pressure all the time. I found someone who will do my closing until I am more positive but, it is so hard to even pick up the phone. But, I am a fighter and I will do my best under the circumstances. Thanks everyone for listening/reading this and giving me your wise advice. I can't tell him the latest setback bc it would make things even worse. I pray that god gives me the strength to get at least one sale to pay the mortgage. I am sorry this is so long but, I so needed to explain myself to people who understand. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. While I am sorry that you Leslye and you Patricia are going thru very similar things, I am relieved that I am not the only one. It is uncanny how similar our situations are. And, here I thought something was wrong with me! I think we are all afraid of making the problem worse. I do think that if you have a more understanding husband that it would be better to tell. My husband is not so understanding. And, he will take out this anger on the kids and me. I can't deal with that anymore. Thanks for the support everyone!

[pottywoman]

Maybe I shouldn't say this but after reading all these posts I just can't help but have one question. If marriage is nothing but for sex and money who needs it? It was for better/worse, richer/poorer, sickness/health. If the husband or wife starts to complain and put the other person down because the sex, money and health are gone then it wasn't a marriage to begin with. Who needs the other person then? I'm not married (thank goodness for that) but I would say dump the other person if they treat you that way. Don't stay just for the kids either. My parents divorced after I was over 20 yr. and I think it would have been better if they had divorced while I was a kid. Plus if the other spouse complains on how they are not getting any sex then kick them "in that certain area" and then bug them about wanting sex. I'm sorry if I should not have said anything but I can't see how people can be this way with this illness. All people seem to think it is nothing. I have my share of argueing with people and most I told to go away and never to talk to again. Would do the same if I was married. Everyone in the world should have this for 6 months and they would never complain about anything ever again.

[Julie B]

There is a line that can be crossed.........just for general information:

http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/emotional_abuse.html

Gentle hugs...........Julie

[Leslye]

Thank you So Much Everyone!!! Especially, Dana & Patricia! First off let me tell you my story,well, the shortest version. I married A guy from my home town in 1990, I graduated from school in 1987 & he in 89. I was 6 months pregnant with my son. I was totally in love with him & thought that his controlling & abusive ways(mental) was his love for me. After 2 kids a Boy & girl, & 10 yrs of PURE HELL I filed for a Divorce in 1998 he was stalking me & totally obsessed. During the later part of the marriage the abuse got worse Mental turned to physical. After I filed, he would not agree & fought against me on everything that he knew that I would not agree on. In 99 a friend of the family stopped by which was a man (Married) to check on me & my kids because my parents were out of town & they feared that my soon to be Ex would do something to more serious to hurt me. After the man left my Ex had been watching the house & came up to the house & I would not let him in, he broke in & beat me until I passed out with my 7yr old son standing outside the door crying daddy please do not Kill my mommy. After he knocked me out,& I came to, I called 911. When the sheriff's deputies arrived they could not believe what they had saw. I went with my kids to the Women's shelter & had my kids dad arrested(he stayed in jail Maybe 2 hrs before his dad got him out.) Our divorce was FINALLY finale in 2000.
In 2001 I married a wonderful man who was my best friend through All of this. He is not abusive in Any way & has never laid a hand on me. I am not afraid of him, I am afraid of letting him down. He has already fogiven me for so much. This is not the 1st time I have hidden finances from him. Each time I am going to fix it. I guess what I fear in letting him take over things is that all of the abuse from the Ex (in my mind) that all that he used to say about me will be true. That I can not do anything right & that I can never make it on my own. And that I always MESS things up. I LOVE my husband more than Anything!! He keeps on forgiving me & I seem to always find a way to mess things up. But I do have Good intentions. I am the type of person who will do anything to make someone Happy. I can not stand to see people needing something or upset. I want to fix everyone. My husband feels that when I betray him in this way by not letting him know what is going on that I do not trust him. I feel that I do but maybe he his right. But I feel that I do not want to tell him because I do not want him to worry about these things. I don't want to let him no that I have failed once again. My husband suspects that things are not good,(I know that he is not stupid). But he wants to believe that I have'nt messed it up once again. He loves me very much, the feelings are with me. I love him & I want to make him Happy even if it is one more day. He does not drink or go out with his buddies, he works & is home with me & our daughter. He goes fishing with our daughter & our son when he is visiting. He comes home & takes care of me. As for as the Sex, he is very understanding & we work things out in that department. I know that I need to tell him, I can not stand to hurt him once Again. In my Crazy mind, I still feel as though I can fix it. Although, I have not figured out how yet. I am MY Worst Enemy! Dana, You sound so much like myself. Thank you, so much Again for letting me know that I am not the Only one out there who wakes up every morning no matter how tired, just to be the first to get the mail. I also have caller ID to screen for bill collectors. Right know, I am afraid that they are on their way to get my washer/dryer & frig. My husband, is almost 50 & looking forward to retiring next year. He has worked almost All of his life for this, I feel as though I am hurting the one who matters the most to me. Sorry so long. Anyway, Dana & Patricia if you need to talk anytime e-mail me onthelake05@yahoo.com. Right now I still have my Cell & my minutes are free after 7pm. Thanks to anyone who reads this, I know that it is LONG. I ask for God's help everyday & evrynight. I will keep on praying. Bless you ALL!

[Leslye]

Just a thought, we have been trying to get Oprah to talk about IC on her show, maybe we can have better luck with talking about how screwed up some of our lives are. Then we can just kindof throw the IC subject out there.LOL:) Sorry, sometimes I have to laugh about things just to keep from going totally crazy.

[MakinIT]

Wow...boy I opened a dam on this topic. I know pottywoman mentions if marriage is all about sex/money (where ARE those darn vows?)I think it's just the day to day issues and a need to step back, (both people) a look from fresh eyes. I think when we post to these boards we tend to focus on the negative, and to be honest, my married life hasn't been so hot lately...there isn't much positive. But, he is trying to make an effort. I can remember my first child being born...we were not married yet....and he was angry b/c he felt trapped. I told him to leave, it was one of the three times I saw him cry in my life. The second time was the birth of our second child, who was premature and it was very touch and go for both of us...the third was just recently when I gave him the option to divorce me. He is a man who sets his jaw firmly and only shows restrained anger and frustration...he is very stubborn. Who volunteers to write a book called "Explaining IC to stubborn D....Heads?" (I'm laughing) Oh well, at least he has made sure we are going to have a couple days together next weekend. First time in years.

Tracey

[Adele]

Hey Tracey,

At the risk of sounding nuts... :loco: 2 words Dr. Phil! "Relationship Rescue". I have been married for going on 13 yrs. now and have been dealing with IC for over 20. My first marriage didn't make it on the health front... but this time round we're doing pretty good. We have many dissapointments, cancelling trips, dinners, company, etc. etc. Oh wait...and the big one....we're down to love making by appointment only!
And Interstitial Cystitis holds all the scheduling. :bow: Anyhow back to Dr. Phil...for kicks my son bought a copy for us to read and I think it was almost written with us IC Survivers in mind. Leave it in the toilet, on top of the T.V guide.... do what you have to do but get him to read it, if not "you read it". The difference between Reaction and Response can be taught without your hubby being aware of it... but you first need to know how to teach it without conflict. Its what I did! :dance: Don't forget there are numerous other ways to be intimate!

Good Luck to you, Tracey

Adele:kiss:

[MakinIT]

Adele: that is a good idea....for me anyway...my husband would have to have the book crammed up his....nostril to notice. (Basically, Our home overfloweth in books...Unless the title says something about gifted children and science or creative learning, he doesn't notice...L.O.L.) And yes, I am aware there are many ways to be intimate....personally, I would just like to be held and snuggled...I know that doesn't quite do it for a guy so I've been "creative" for him. Despite two years of Pelvic Floor therapy and the pain hasn't diminished enough for me to have intercourse, or even other stuff. We did try an interesting position that, after 20 years, I thought I'd tried all...side lying with kinda but due to my short body proportions (all the way around) we had to sorta play with it to get it to work. (I hate that part...The movies always make it look like two total strangers can figure out each others bodies and do all sorts of stuff without any problems) all in all, it sorta worked. Maybe such luck this weekend.

thanks.. tracey

[Leslye]

Adele, funny that you mentioned Dr. Phil, my husband Can NOT stand him. But then you mentioned putting it in the Bathroom, & I feel that in there he would probably read it.LOL:)

[MakinIT]

:biglaugh: :biglaugh: Not to be off the subject, but I have to be off the subject....why in the heck do THEY READ while they sit on the pot. GEEZ..I swear my husband will spend a half an hour reading the back of a hairspray can (if he forgot "material") after he's done his business. :hmm: I just don't get it.

Oh well, I digress...good night ladies...

My morphine is calling me to bed, and I've had migraines all weekend...truly sucks...nothing like giving myself a shot for those, catheterizing myself, getting the ph of my urine...in another 10 years...I'll be giving myself open heart surgery.

good night

[patricia1]

Dana and Leslye I am sorry. Dana I thought I was the only one who wanted to get to the mailbox first to. Since I started getting my disability checks in Feb and I was able to get everything caught up and paid I still find myself doing this. A habit I guess because I spent the last 2 yrs doing that. My hubby is the greatest I love him with all my heart and we rarely fight if ever, but I to felt like I was a let down and a disappointment. I felt he has worked so hard the last 2 yrs, being he was the only one working, I thought how can I tell him No you cant get a new gun for hunting or no you cant buy breakfast. Before we married in 2000 he had plenty of money, the he married me and we where living week to week. But in the end when he found out he told me he wished he had known because he could have done more. Not buy things and so fourth.

My hubby hates Dr Phil to, but I love watching him. Since its summer so does my kids :biglaugh: . But if I watch it so do they. Funny thing I love General Hospital and my youngest son, he is 9, he likes it to. I think it has to do with the mob theme on the show. He watch one day when the guns where blazing and that amazed him. I know he should not watch it and I am a bad mom for letting him but oh well.....That last comment is so off the subject :biglaugh:

[DanaW]

Wow. It is amazing to me how much support and love I get from total strangers!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks Patricia, Leslye, Tracey, and everyone else! I guess we are not all strangers when we suffer from the same physical, financial, emotional aspects of this hideous disease. I am a little jealous that some of you have loving, supporting husbands. I don't feel I have that. Just anger, resentment. I feel like I have to tip-toe around him so that he doesn't get mad at me, again! Thanks Julie for your document. I do think that I have been emotionally abused in the past. Why else would I be like this?? When he is angry he has even called me lazy, fat cow! He resents everything. My weight gain, my medications, my FM, my depression, my IC.....The only thing that keeps me here is my kids....I could not bare to see them hurt by divorce. He is mostly a good Dad. He takes them fishing, golfing, and other things.....He is just short tempered. I am not excusing his behaviour. I am all alone up here. My family is in Ohio, 14 hours away. If I divorced him I would be stuck up here with the children.....I could not take them away from him out of state. I don't make any money right now. I am not even sure I will get Disab. You tell me what choices do I have? I am stuck. Thanks everyone again for listening and letting me spill my guts.....

[Leslye]

Dana,
I am so sorry to hear that you are wanting to leave your husband but do not know how to get out. I too was were you are at now when I wanted to leave the kids DAD. He had destroyed my self esteem & broke me down mentally to the point I thought that I deserved everything that he Gave me. We were together for 10yrs & the last 4yrs of our so called marriage he was physically abusive. I had stayed with him for as long as I did for the kids (who by me staying with him harmed them worse.) & because I was scared to be out on my on & thought that I had No one. Some advice to you if you really want to get out is to go to your parents. I know that it is hard as you do not want to take the kids so far away & I am NOT saying that either one of you are Bad parents, but my kids knew from the time that they were able to walk that there dad was mentally & verbally abusive to me. I too walked on egg shells to try to Keep the peace & appologized alot when I was not wrong just to keep from fighting. If you have a Women's Shelter in your area they will help you! They realize that there can be mental & verbal abuse without being physical. Please everyone who may read this I am not condoning abuse of any sort, but by being abused myself in my experience the mental & physical did the most harm to me & my Kids. The physical wounds heal the mental I still am dealing with. With being abused & getting out I vowed that I would do everything in my power that the Lord sent my way to help them. I know this might sound a little or maybe even ALOT strange since we have never even met.(face to face) But you are not alone, nor are you stuck, I will Help you with anything that you need help with that I can. I remember being were you are & the feeling of being alone.(because he was jealous if I had any friends) If you ever need me I am here for you, just let me know what I can do. Sending Hugs & Love your way!

[MakinIT]

If ANYONE is ever feeling emotional or recieving physical abuse get the hell out of Dodge. The problem with the two, though, is physical is tangible. You can see it, hear it, and sure as hell feel it. Emotional is different. Where do you draw the line between the typical normal anger and frustration a confused and perplexed partner feels and the verbal barrage that makes you feel like the bottom of a shoe. My husband is extremely intelligent but never, ever, ever, wants to take a tiny piece of responsibiity. It might make him appear somewhat "human". He did, however, say on the phone last night (he's in Canada with the family...i wrote him a long email with just funny stuff and serious stuff thrown in...finally writing that I was sorry he left so frustrated with me, again. however, I was very confused as to what money we had, what I could spend when on one day he says he doesn't begrudge me new clothing, but freaks when he sees my bills...which are never over 50 bucks on my credit card)as I was saying, he said he had a really crappy internet connection and wanted to let me know he was thinking hard about what I said and that yes, he was surprised at how much he missed me. (and I am surprised at how much I don't miss him...it's like I don't feel like this worry about this grouchy man walking in the door is going to happen.)

Ireally hope our marriage works out. I've been out a couple times with friends or just at a store by myself. Found guys around my age behaving awfully friendly, walking me to my car (looking puzzled at the disabled permit) b-4 I realize I'm not wearing my rings. I don't know how to flirt. I met Roger at 20. Prior to that, I was a dork dating dorks...none of us played those flirty games...It was like...."hey, I like you, let's go out"

Anyway...I keep trying..I volunteer part time (very part time) about 5 hours every 2ish weeks just to help an ed. center with paper work. My husband sees that wears me out. I also worked in my front yard yesterday..holy poop..I had a beautifully landscaped front yard and its become messy this year b/c I can't keep up on it. So, I spent an afternoon Just weeding and cleaning, and ohhhhh crap...my body hurts. Every time I sit to go potty (which is of course often) my hamstrings screams...I get to a certain position with my rear about 3 inches above the can, then, I can't control anymore and I PLOP :rolleyes: (ouch) Golly gee whiz...considering I go about 35 times a day my toilet is going to take a beating this week.

Bless you all...I really hope you have better times ahead. You need to focus on your bodies. Please, please, please...find a psych who is a chronic pain specialist. I thinkk right now even more critical than a marriage counselor. You have to understand your own grieving b-fore you have the strength to deal with the testosterone in your family . I know I am going to have to deal with another round of "have you gotten into marital counseling" from my pain counselor. But, I can only do so much. He HAS been marvelous, though. I have known him since the beginning, almost...has stopped me from doing myself in a couple times (my husband carries his card in his pocket) and he has drug me, kicking and screaming, through the damn hell of this illness and made me stand up and face it in the mirror. And yes, he has given me great tools. (my mind) I don't think my husband doesn't want to help, he just doesn't know how to be comforting to adults, but is wonderful with kids. Interesting thought...My oldest daughter is, of course, the apple of his eye. AS a little girl growing up he was sooo close, and they were inseperable. I was jealous of their relationship, and would get, irrationally angry...But now she is 16. He still adores he but cannot relate to her, although he still "tucks her in" and talks to her. She has started coming to me now for advice, and he is feeling left out because he has no answers, but I try to include him. We have a younger daughter who is almost 10. He, of course, has always played with her. She is much more of a pistol, and very stubborn, very rebbelious. She will actually keep him quite busy through the next few years. (he is very good with kids like that...But even Kelsey is coming to me more and trying very hard to control her temper.)

Enough of the novel. Gotta go. Take care girls. Please Let me know how it continues. I will certainly let you know how it all goes when my little vacation is over.

Tracey :ignore:

[Leslye]

Thanks so much for your input Tracey, I think that we are giving each other Good support. I feel Very close to each of you on this board. I need that, Heck, we all do! I was so excited that I am going to be by myself tonight, my husband is going to work, daughter is staying with a friend, & son is going over to his dad's. Until I realized that this will be the Perfect time to work on my appeal for disability(YUCK!):( Well, it HAS to be done. As of today, I still have my washer/dryer & frig, so I will be getting some MUCH needed washing done if I can hold up. Wish all of you could come on over to my house for some Girl time!:) Which means that I could really use the help in all of the tasks I will be trying to accomplish this evening.LOL Bye for now!

[Leslye]

Not trying to get off the subject, but when I went to check my e-mails just now the first one read "How would you like to win a New Washer/Dryer?" Do they KNOW?LOL:) Also today, I recieved a Letter marked URGENT & it read that I could win 25,000.00. There needs to be a Law against them picking on "Desperate Poor Housewives"!!LOL

[MakinIT]

Leslye: way off topic but have you thought about going to a lawyer who specializes in social security cases? I have one doing mine...I pretty much have not had to do much in 2 years, he handles it all. I will have to give him 25% of my PRIOR EARNINGS, but that is all. If I lose, nuthin... The only thing I have been paying for up to this point is little piddly copy/research costs. So, when they need records, if i feel well enough, I get them myself, make the copies and send them to the lawyers. (they even suggested that) b/c it is way cheaper. When I am very tired and sick, they do it. All in all, for two years, it has cost me about $100 bucks. The lawyer I have is young, but he used to work for social security. He said they just kinda automatically kicked out 9 in 10 claims, barely looked at them, same thing with 2nd appeal. Most people, especially with a situation like ours, win at appeals in hearing b/c you actually talk to a judge, and the judge is generally sympathetic. What I have learned is that if they know there is an IC patient coming, they have an observer in the waiting room, and watch how often you go pee. Which isn't a prob for me. I'll be nervous, besides the typical IC stuff.My lawyer will be with me. ALL of my doctors have documented, every three months, that I am sick, in pain...on heavy duty narcotics and unable to work, much less to stay awake. My migraines have also kicked back up again. Lovely.

If your area there in Texas has lawyers who SPECIALIZE in social security law, I'd say hire them. Your chances are so much higher. Make sure they aren't hucksters though. I've heard of ladies expecting their lawyers there and they don't show up for the hearing. (My lawyer says that is very much expected in his law firm....I don't go to hearing without him by my side)

Glad we can all help each other...it is a catharisis and nice to hear other peoples husbands are penis's too. (Not that I would wish that for anyone..but...I don't want to be the only one) Oh man...the commercial I hate every year is on TV...some stupid commercial about Christmas in JULY (trying to sell freaking mattresses..) My father in law lives with us SO the damn TV is on all the time. That commercial is on every summer...I don't think it has changed since I graduated Highschool in 1983. I'm gonna drag my sore ass off the couch and vacuum my daughters room.

Tracey

[MakinIT]

Leslye: I just saw your post about the e-mail re: free wash/dry..I sure hope you didn't open it or everyone in the world knows where you are. Anyway...I got the same E-mail today..went straight to the "sent mail...spam, whatever file"...

egads..speaking of dreadful tasks..my father in law lives with us. So, while my husband, kids are seeing husbands sister (father in laws daughter) he is here. He doesn't bathe, doesn't wipe up his messes, and...(we have a small house) I came home from spending a couple days with my mom and dad....I walked in the house and it smelled so horrid. I normally leave all the windows open..especially on days like the past couple that are cool and smell good in the morning, and I have candles like vanilla, lit (Those big expensive ones) He had shut the house up for two days, it stunk to high heaven. I immediately opened all the windows, sprayed febreeze all over the house, and lit all the candles...he scowled the entire time. (he hates the smell of candles and deoderizers and doesn't like the windows open..he has a wierd behavior pattern about it..he wants them shut and locked) Since we don't have air conditioning I have a very good system for keeping the house cool. I've lived in here for 10 years..he's lived with us for 3. I get up at 5:30 AM, open the windows and doors...turn on TV so it looks like someone is up. Then, at 9 am ish I shut everything, including the curtains and doors to bedrooms. This completely freaks him out. Tells me I don't know what I'm doing. Roger has actually said Dad, don't mess with her system...it works...other wise we are melting at 4 pm. But He keeps his bedroom window shut, turns the HEAT on (it's July...I know its the pacific NW but it is still 70's to 90's...at any point) I don't know what to do..I've asked his son (MY HUSBAND) to help... please...I dropped the hint today..."so...what do you think would be better for you on the bottom of the tub, a mat or strips" he said it didn't matter, don't waste my money....hmm, what would your interpretation be?) I am very sensitive to smells...he used to at least clean himself daily, now he doesn't do that and I know he doesn't hit the toilet. Every day, I have to bleach around the toilet b/c the smell is like a little boys bathroom. I have enough problems eating but I see him with the same shirt he's been wearing for 2 weeks that is filthy, and the nasty food stained beard. And no, he's not senile....he's only 65, and he changes out of the nasty clothes when he leaves the house, changes back into the foul clothes when he comes home. He wanted me, the other day, to look at some bump on his back. his skin was Grey..almost black. Yik...... I mentioned his hygiene to his doctor but the doctor said there nothing he could do....Bill is a diabetic.

[Leslye]

OH MY GOSH TRACEY, I am laughing but I know that it is not Funny. I picture this smelly old man asking you to look at his back. It is NOT A pretty picture. If it happens again try telling him that he has something ALL over his back & that you need him to take a bath for fear that it might get on the kids. Doubt that it would work but it is worth a shot. No, I did not open the e-mail about the washer/dryer. I knew it would be too good to be true & therefore probably was'nt.
No, I have not hired a Lawyer but have thought about it. I figure I will give it a shot again on my own & if I have NO luck this time I will hire a Lawyer. I have a friend who has IC & everything else that comes with it that I might see if she will help me also. About your Father in-law, Call Adult Protective Services & tell them what he is doing or should I say Not doing. Have them put a Fear of being taken out of your home & put into A place that will take care of him. Have them act like they got a phone call reporting abuse. Tell them to tell him that he will be checked up on with out notice to make sure that he is eating well(we NO that he is),bathing, having clean clothes & being provided with a clean & safe enviroment. Tell your father in-law & your husband that you have NO idea who called could have been his Dr,some one who works with Dr,Family member/Friend, Anyone! Hell, I will call!!LOL Anyway it might be an idea, you are worried about his health & that of your family. Here I was jealous of you because I thought you had the house to yourself. I Enjoy our Chats, I really Look forward to them. Thanks:)

[MakinIT]

uh, no...I haven't been alone. He is such a grump though I might as well be. His other son (Roger's half brother who is only 24 and lived with us for 4 years before Roger finally kicked him out, came over and took him to dinner last night...that was nice...and yes, he changed out of his grungy shirt, and came home to put his icky shirt back on.) I'll have to think on the AFS idea...Every state is so different that I will prob back fire and he will go to foster care. Actually wouldn't be such a bad thing. He'd have structure. But my husband would come home and get him out. He was mad at me this morning b/c I ran the dishwasher last night and it wasn't full. With the two of us, it doesn't fill up, but it really stinks. I told Bill that..I had opened it last night and the smell knocked me on my butt. :ignore: He said he always rinses his stuff so must be me. I had to bite my lip...it was all plastic stuff from left overs that doesn't eat for awhile. i don't even eat, just drink water, and maybe some yogurt and fruit. (isn't IC fun) He's ruined these two chairs my parents gave Roger and I. They are Leather Dania recliners...for some reason, Roger let him have one in his room....(I think figuring he'd sit it in there to watch tv...it is covered with his stuff) the other is in the living room. God Forbid should anyone sit on it, and now, it is so nasty smelling I don't want to. Last week though, I was hurt really bad and didn't want to go to my room. So I covered the Dania chair with a Blanket (they were each $1,000 bucks each, the chairs that is) and turned on the stereo (not TV). Bill came out, looked at me and the TV, flung his hands at me, and stomped back to his room.

Oh well, I gotta go. i am volunteering today.

Tracey

[patricia1]

Gosh Tracey I am so sorry. Bad enough dealing with IC but then dealing with a Father-in-Law like that. Does he have mental problems. From the way you describe him it sounds that he might. Maybe he needs some help. Someone needs to talk to him about his smell and the smells in your house. Maybe your hubby or his half brother can talk to him? He really sounds strange. Not to be offensive or anything. I really feel for you.

[MakinIT]

no mental probs i know of except he is depressed now (has never had money, but always pretended to) and is forced to lived with us. I try not get into a dispute with him but he's one of those people who is always correct. Like...the other day...I was with my folks and my permanantly disabled sister...she is still a dependent of theirs. We went up to see and clean up my grandparents grave. As we returned, Dad was telling me about his funeral arrangements...apparently as he is viet vet, he has his funeral mostly paid for...mom's plot with his, and my sister as well b/c she still considered by the VA a dependant child even though she is 43. I was talking to Bill obout this (one of his many ventures that he was so good he wound up being a west manager for, but must have done it out of the goodness of his heart cuase he never had money) was selling funeral plots. He told me I didn't know what I was talking about. My sister could not be buried with my parents...I told him I has seen the paperwork...he just put his hand up and said. "WHATEVER...I don't know anything"...and stomped ooutta there. "sigh". And no, my husband will not talk to him. I've begged. He knows he stsinks but doesn't realize it's so bad. The other son's hygiene is almost as bad, (and he wonders why he hasn't had many dates much less a steady girlfriend.)

anyway, I came hometoday from my volunter]ob, stopped at the store, and bought 3 Big CANDLES...(the ones with three wicks...two vaniia, one cinnamon.Lit 'em all. The house smells gooood.....He just snorted and wneted to his room. (OH WELL)

I'M doing some grant work for my friend this summer, when I'm coherant. I got excited about it when I heard and wanted to start right away, but I'm pooped and really uncoordintated in my typing..retyping bout every third word, She's getting grant money for me to put together kits and curriculum for special ed kids who go to outdoor ed programs. Non paid, but something fun to do and I can work at my own pace. It will also help me keep my license active, should I ever get to go back to work.

Talk to you all later!

[patricia1]

I a really cant stand people like that. I have a sister in law that way. She is a nurse, so she thinks she knows everything about every medical condition. It like just shutup you know. I guess if hes other son stinks just about as bad I know I would not want him.

How long is he going to be there? It may be a long haul for you guys. Maybe you can tell him its your house and in order to stay he has to bath and wash his clothes on a regular basis. But if you are like me you might not want to rock the boat. Everyone always tells me I am to nice. And I do tend to let them walk all over me.

I feel for you girl.....

[MakinIT]

His brother does have to work so he is forced to shower at least once a day. it's the weekends and he is pungent. It's too bad b/c he is an attractive young man. has the social skills of a brick. But, he is a techie and loves to stay up late at night playing his Joystick (from him playstation, that is) He's thrilled by video games, but expects some gorgeous woman to just arrive on his door step. (just like when he lived with us, he expected a job, people beatin' down the door for his marvelous skills: When not working, he will sleep until 3 in the afternoon. SEE this all part of our marial problems..Roger goes to work, and meetings, does presentations...wnatever. I'm still sleepy andi's morning. I have a hair appointment at 1:30 so Igotta drink some coffe.

have agreat day!!!! Cant wait to get my hair cut!!(pathetic, isn't it)

see u

[patricia1]

I can totally see how this is affecting your marriage. Having someones family live with you can cause total problems in a marriage. Does Roger travel alot with his job? Your brother in law sounds like my ex bnl. He was over 30 yrs old lived with his parents and did not work. Played video games all night and slept all day. He finally got a job a couple of years ago but he is almost 40 now. At least he bathed.

[sheena6]

It makes me feel better to read that others are going through the same :loco: as I am. I have been married for 22 years, diagnosed with IC since 1990. Husband has been having affairs for past 3 years and moved out in April. He just can't seem to understand how IC puts a big crimp in your sex life. I guess I didn't talk much about the pain, cause I didn't want to scare him. Instead, I avoided sex as much as possible. NOT a good strategy. One of the biggest reasons he has for separating was the fact that our sex life was pretty non-existent. I think I was really ashamed of the problems I was having, and there was no support board like this when I first starting trying to cope with the pain. I wish there was a BOOK on sex and IC. Funny thing is he just told me his girlfriend has lupus and how bad it makes him feel that she is on disability. Really. Here I am dealing with pain day after day, working anyway, refusing to give in and give up, and there she is with my husband, no job and a steady income. How did I end up on this side of the equation? :headbang:

[Leslye]

Sheena6, to think I am here in another board B*%^#!&g about what a horrible day I have had & how the pharmicist treated me like Crap. Then I come & read your post. Look at this as his pay back, he left you & is in the same boat again. You on the other hand can move on & find some one who is better & will be more understanding of you. YOU are the one who is BETTER off, it might not seem like it now but you are in the long run. She gets to look forward to being sick & having him run around on her.

[MakinIT]

Patricia: My husband is just gone alot. He has always been a work aholic. He knows how tired and hurt I get but he'll come home sometimes and the house is a mess, bill is cooking, kids are fighting and I'm in a percocet relieved sleep. He freaks....starts madly cleaning and picking up stuff, cleaning up things w/o saying a word. No body helps him. I can understand how angry that make me!!!!!!! He is not so much mad at me...he knows the before Tracey. I used to be very uptight about the house and always set aside Saturday morn. Now..nuthin. b/c I work on stuff a little at a time. But noone will help him when he is frustrated, and he doesn't want to, out loud, bitcch. I'm too out of it to care. So, he gets thinks the kids should just know to get up and help. They don't...they avoid it all cost. Even if it means making Roger happy, (which they always say they want) they say the typically self ish thing "i didn't make the mess"..we always reply, "we've cleaned up so many of yours" . They then lose a something, and its usually done very off handedly. Later in the day when one wants to go somewhere...."You want me to do this for you? Oh , sorry, I didn't make those plans" and walk off and leave. My 15 year old LOVES this approach so we are making some headway. my 10 year just gets ******. I just reread what I wrote this morning, sorry I was tired..I'm getting there now, but it's passed my bedtime, and I've taken my meds. i talked to my husband tonight, he was a zombie...stayed up ALL night to make DVD movies for his parents (of the kids of in his day camp programs) I hope he doesn't do that all next week, I won't see any of him on the weekend. Ha, Ha

Sheena: Welcome to the Thread that never ends...I am so sorry about your husband. The one positve about my husband is he looked up IC on the internet and was pretty humbled by it. He wants me to have sex with him, but wants to learn how do it so it is not painful. But since he is fairly tradional, he needs to stop reading his porn mags (yes, sigh, I don't begrudge him those, he's had them since we started dating in 1989..at that time I was angry, now, i know it's cause men don't have the mental capacity to see stuff their heads :ignore: ) I need to get him stuff to read on how to Make love instead of having sex. AND yes, I'd be thoroughly disgusted with him over his situation with his new girlfriend. She actually has a disease along the same line in autoimmune stuff as IC. Maybe it's him.

Tracey

[K9wife]

Welcome to the boards, and I just wanted to say that sometimes life just isn't fair, is it?!? In my opinion, maybe your husband -who couldn't stand a marriage that didn't fulfill his selfish need for sex- maybe is getting his just reward for looking for greener pastures. Does he think living with Lupus will be any easier than living with IC and his own children? Don't let him make you "feel ashamed" as you put it for having IC....lots of us have felt that way at one point or another but our own loved ones should not make us feel embarrassed about having something we couldn't control! Read thru the posts here from the really supportive spouses and significant others, and you will see that there really ARE comapssionate and understanding men out there that would not give up on you because of your health issues. Hang in there, and come back often....soon you won't be "ashamed" any more- we promise!!!!!

[MakinIT]

Wow...I just read my post again(#47)...I get so damn tired and as soon as I start to write I start to doze...damn meds...this is the only damn time of day I seem to be able to write ( 4:30 AM) :bonk: Allow me to make some corrections: In the paragraph under Patracia it should have been Bill cooking (my father in law) instead of bill cooking. that sorta sounds like collections coming at us. :biglaugh: Then I realized i wasn't very clear on what I did with my kids...Basically, they sit on their butts either arguing with each other or being passive aggressive..especially to me, by saying "yeah, yeah", but never doing it (we all know the trick we've done it ourselves as kids. But they are sometimes just plain Rude, b/c Bill allows them to be that way and I have been too depressed/tired/ out of it to correct it. They don't behave way with Rog around usually..but I'll describe it and he'll be all clinical about adolesces pushing the edge...blah, blah. However, when he gets home and
they act that way the hounds of hell are let lose on these kids, If they happen to dare te ask for anything. The kids need new clothes so they'll (stupidly, on the same day sometimes) ask for him to take them to the mall. He'll fire back with "why, I DIDN'T ruin your clothes" and make them simmer until they do some chores. And yes, they have assigned chores.. the elder one had to have a puppy last year. He's adorable, a Welsh Corgi (the dogs the look like their legs have been cut off at the knees.)She didn't mind cleaning up his "messes" until he was about 15-16 weeks old. THEN it became everyone's dog. (now it's mine, he protects me over anyoe else when a "perceived" threat comes near, the kids he pushes back...me he stands in front of, Roger he figures is fine on his owm ALTHOUGH he keeps protective eye out.
Sheena: nuthin too major there except that i started dating my husband in 1985: It was 89 when I got prengant....

man..I, am zonking againl ao sorry, much I wanted to talk toc

[MakinIT]

Man, i gotta stop writing when I'm tired. Problem is, I get about halfway through a thought and then...zonk. I feel asleep during the prior email #49, my head fell sideways to the right (i think during the para trying to explain what my kids did) so now, I got me a great big spasm starting in my neck and my bad part of my right sidel Shoot. I used to write for hours. I must be boring myself, which means you all must think I'm agreat sedative. blah, blah, blah, blah, blah....Sometimes, I'm just loopy, sometimes I'm in pain so I[ve taken pain meds...then I get loopy. boy...I'm getting sleepy now....Just want to apologize If I said anything stupid,..It wasn't intended...i think i feel asleep a few times while I was writing and I think I forgot to finish some thoughts.

I'm going to take a nap...G'night.

[Leslye]

It's OK Tracey your Posts make me Laugh! I think that WE ALL understand how it is when you are taking the IC meds. I No that I can relate! You always give me a BIG smile & after the day I had yesterday, I NEED IT. So THANKS:)

[sheena6]

Dear Leslie, Tracey et al:

Many thanks for the words of support. I can really use them!! I am reading an interesting book lately that might be helpful for all of us struggling to self-advocate. Its called "Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships" by David Schnarch. It is an excellent book for anyone who feels stuck in emotional gridlock with their partner. I wish I had known about this book several years ago!